Tangled Ball

Artist, Second Ave. Sinatra and Rapper Step Up For Amanda Cummings

2012-01-29T17:09:00.004-05:00

They didn't know her. Geoff Rawling, a mural artist, Gary Russo, the 2nd Avenue Sinatra, and Rap artist JoJo Pellegrino came together at a local watering hole in Staten Island to offer their talent to help raise money to help cover the funeral expenses for Amanda Cummings, the 15 year-old who stepped in front of a bus holding a suicide note.

It's believed that bullying played a part in Amanda's decision.

Midland Beach, Staten Island, isn't fancy. It's real...and the reality is that it's a community in shock that one of their own -- and someone so young -- could feel this desperate.

In the midst of this tragedy, it's important to stop and appreciate the people who step up. They don't have to but something in them propels them to lend their talents to help.

They deserve our respect.

Geoff Rawling is an artist specializing in murals. Geoff laments that arts programs are being cut from schools at a time when kids could really benefit from using the arts to express themselves.

JoJo Pellegrino created a rap song, along with NYC Arts Cypher, for Amanda called "Alone." Amanda's mother told me that "Alone" expressed exactly what Amanda was going through. The lyrics ask, "Are we listening?"

Gary Russo believes that making people smile is a privilege and the more you give it away, the more you get back.

So what we wish is that Amanda didn't feel "Alone," and that the beauty that Geoff captured in her mural would have been how she felt inside and Gary's rendition of New York, New York would have made her realize that there is a whole city waiting and willing to embrace her.

Our prayers go out to Amanda and her family. To honor her memory, there are thousands of Amanda's that we can step up for, embrace, understand, mentor and show that they are not alone, they're beautiful and they belong.

Thank you for sharing your talents Geoff, Gary and JoJo and for showing us all that we have something to give.

No Name-Calling Week

2012-01-23T16:30:00.003-05:00

Retard. Homo. Lard Ass. Spaz. Ask a middle or high school kid and they can usually come up with many more words meant to be weapons aimed at anybody who seems to be a little different...or maybe even someone that isn't different but inspires jealousy.

This week is No Name-Calling Week. Language is really important and labels usually hurt.

It's a good week to examine what we say and who we may be hurting in the process.

An annual week won't solve the problem but what's important is that we focus our attention to what we say during this week as a start because language is one of the key strings in this tangled mess.

If, after this week, more kids and adults think before they casually throw out a hurtful label, then it's worth building upon and a few more kids won't be heartbroken when they're made to feel like an outcast.

It's also a great opportunity to teach kids how to be upstanders (a bystander that does something to help the situation!). Once when I was in a school, I heard one child call out another child on the spot for calling a classmate a "retard." She simply said, "Do you know what that means?" When the boy just stared at her, she simply said, "If you don't know what it means, then don't say it."

I don't know if she had someone in her family that was mentally challenged... or whether her parents taught her to do that... or whether she had been called names and was just sick of it. But she silenced the boy with one simple question and the target of the name calling continued to walk down the hall with a little more ease.

We can all do our bit to help a child walk down a school hall or stand in line in the cafeteria or get on a school bus without worrying how he or she will handle cruel and intentional name calling.

I wish I knew that little girl's name. She was about 10 years old when I watched her step up so skillfully. She must be in high school now, but this blog is dedicated to her...and if she was a little older I think she should be considered for a Cabinet post.

U of Illinois Study: Social Goals: How Kids' React to Bullying

2012-01-12T14:34:00.003-05:00

This study, spearheaded by Karen Rudolph at the University of Illinois, is worth a read because knowing why certain kids have more difficulty in bullying situations may help us help them much more effectively. Although anyone in the bullying prevention field would like to come up with ways to wipe it off the face of the earth, it will always be part of the human experience to some degree. But what we can do is help kids understand it and deal with it in a way that unburdens them and therefore, blunts the long tail of pain that mean behavior causes.

Originally Posted on Futurity by Diana Yates-Illinois on Tuesday, December 20, 2011:

‘Social goals’: How kids’ react to bullying

Children who want to build positive relationships with their peers are more likely to look for a solution to being bullied than kids who are more interested in status, researchers found.

U. ILLINOIS (US) — Many wonder why bullies bully, but a new study looks at the other side of the equation: How do children respond to bullying and why?

The answer, researchers say, may lead to more effective interventions to reduce the negative consequences—and perhaps even the frequency—of bullying.

“The main question we were interested in is how do children go about selecting strategies for dealing with harassment from their peers?” says University of Illinois psychology professor Karen Rudolph, who led the study, which is published in the journal Child Development.

Read the original study

“And what we focused on was an understanding of the goals that kids develop in their social relationships.”

Consciously or not, children tend to adopt one of three approaches, she says.

“Some are focused on developing their relationships. They want to improve their social skills. They want to learn how to make friends.”

Others are most interested in “demonstrating their competence,” she says. They may try to demonstrate their competence by enhancing their status or seeking approval from their peers. “These are kids who say: ‘I want to be cool. I want lots of kids to like me. I want to hang out with the popular kids.’”

Or they may try to demonstrate their competence by avoiding negative judgments.

“These are the kids who say, ‘I’m not going to do anything that’s going to draw negative attention, that’s going to make me look like a loser, that’s going to embarrass me,’” Rudolph says.

A series of questionnaires administered to 373 second-graders and their teachers revealed how many of the children had been harassed (half of the children reported being the target of teasing, gossip, physical intimidation, or worse, at least a little bit of the time), how they responded to harassment, and how each child generally thought about his or her peer relationships.

The researchers then followed the children to determine if, and how, their social goals influenced how they dealt with harassment in the third grade.

As expected, they found that children who were most interested in developing relationships “had more positive perceptions of themselves and were more likely to say that they would cooperate and work to reduce conflict with other kids,” Rudolph says.

When other kids harassed them, these children were “more likely to engage in proactive strategies to solve the problem,” she says. This might involve asking a teacher for advice or getting emotional support.

Students with these goals also were less likely to engage in other impulsive responses to harassment. Children who wanted to be perceived as “cool” or competent “were less likely to use those kinds of thoughtful, careful strategies” when dealing with harassment, Rudolph says, and “they were more likely to retaliate.” These children also had more negative perceptions of their peers.

Those who wanted to avoid negative judgments were less likely to retaliate against their peers. “But they were also more passive. They just ignored what happened,” she says.

This approach might be useful in some circumstances, particularly for boys who tend to be more physically aggressive and more likely to retaliate than girls, Rudolph says. But passive responses also may increase a bully’s willingness to up the ante.

Children who were more bullied in the second grade “were more likely to freeze up and try to escape from the situation, or to ruminate about it, keep going over it in their mind, but not actually do something active about it,” Rudolph says. They also were less likely to show problem-solving type strategies in the third grade.

Understanding children’s social goals may lead to better interventions to change the dynamic between a bully and his or her targets.

“Just telling kids, ‘this is what you should do’ might not change their behaviors because their goals might be different from our goals,” she says.

“So I think understanding where the kid’s coming from and why they’re actually acting the way they do is going to be crucial for changing their behavior.”

The research was supported by the National Institute of Mental Health and the University of Illinois Research Board.

More news from the University of Illinois: www.las.illinois.edu/news/

Amanda Cummings Went to School in My Neighborhood

2012-01-10T17:46:00.001-05:00

It's hard to believe that Amanda no longer goes to New Dorp High School. She didn't transfer or graduate early. Carrying a suicide note, she stepped in front of a bus and later died from the injuries.

What will it take for all of us to demand that we address the issue of bullying -- that over the top mean behavior that makes kids want to end it all? For every young child who takes their life, there must be thousands that feel the pain that comes from being taunted, humiliated, made to feel invisible, ostracized, and harassed.

We're not doing enough. This is a tangled mess and every single person has a role they can play to help ease the pain. I'm not saying that we can prevent all bullying. I'm saying that we can ease the pain.

One of the biggest pieces of advice that experts tell kids is to "tell a trusted adult." I have issues with that piece of advice. In many cases, we can't be trusted. It's not that we're not well-meaning, it's that we often handle the conversation in a way that makes kids not want to tell us.

Let's be honest. Most of the time, we either overreact or under react. Most of the time, we don't really understand their world. We don't understand that we can often make it worse by blowing up -- or the opposite, tell them "to just ignore it."

As Aidan McDaniel, a 15 year-old speaker on online safety says, "It's not our problem and your solution. It's all of our problem, and all of our solution."

My vote is that we stop talking to kids and start talking with kids. Ask them. Don't tell them. Sometimes a truly sympathetic ear is much more effective than hours of advice.

In Amanda's words, "'When i say im ok i want that one person t look me in the eye, hug me & say no ur not'

And if we can start engaging them to help each other, maybe we can ease some of that pain...and that's a worthy goal.

Bullying Diminishes the "Inner Resume"

2011-12-29T14:59:00.002-05:00

Claire, the well-spoken teen who appears with author, expert and founder of Girls Leadership Institute, Rachel Simmons in this Tedx Women Talk, beautifully describes the irrational acts of exclusion and the fallout of real pain due to bullying in middle school.

Rachel goes on to talk about the inner resume. Although I had never heard that term, it's a great one. We can either add to the proud inner resume of a person or diminish it and make someone feel worthless.

She also talks about the classroom of relationships. Another great term. When hearing it, it reminded me of all those times my kids talked to me about relationships. It's a hard thing for a parent. Sometimes you feel like you should let them alone to figure it all out -- but other times, you feel like this is a teachable moment being handed to you.

I think the world has gotten a little harsher. Although I was a little unsure at the time, I'm happy that when they talked to me about something callous that a "friend" had done, that I called it out. I didn't say it was ok. I didn't say "you're being too sensitive." I said it was bad. It's not that the person was evil but it was a bad thing to do. It's not ok to do or say something harsh and feel normal about it.

Sounds simplistic but I think that's part of the message. As parents, teachers, and mentors, we have to understand the power of the "relationship classroom." Kids are watching, learning, listening all the time. Eventually they will be talking to their own kids and remembering the time that you called out mean behavior and my guess is, they will do the same for their own kids.

We are helping them build up their inner resume and reminding them that they have no right to diminish someone else's resume or have their own resume damaged in any way. That's power.

Expert Father & Son Share Their Thoughts on Internet Safety Equation

2011-12-17T10:33:00.005-05:00

When looking back on 2011 and all the speakers I've heard on the issue of bullying and Internet Safety, a couple of them stand out. They happen to be related and were on the same panel at this year's International Bullying Prevention Association (IBPA) Conference in New Orleans.

Father and son duo, Gary and Aidan McDaniel, kept the crowd of nearly 500 riveted as they talked about their two perspectives on the issues of Internet Safety and Cyberbullying. At the age of 14, Aidan was one of the best speakers I've ever heard. He basically said what I've been thinking for a long time: there is no online world and offline world. It is now all one world and as adults, we have to understand that the culture we nurture offline is the same culture that develops online.

In other words, if a home and/or a school nurtures kindness and basic decensy, then you can expect that online, the same kind of courtesies will be there. As Aidan said, "A plant can't grow in the climate that doesn't support it." Aidan described that although he was homeschooled for part of his education, he is now in a high school that values how students treat each other.

Aidan doesn't have an online issue because his friends are his friends online and off. As a way to demonstrate how the attitude of the school spills over, he described an outreach effort that he's involved with in school and as he put it, it's goal is to "launch people into the friend zone." When someone new comes into the school or if a fellow student is having a rough time socially, they are befriended until that person is comfortable.

That school is obviously growing a lot of healthy plants.

Where are we, as adults, going wrong in this whole Internet Safety equation?

Our Problem and Your Solution

This is one of those tangled strings that Aidan just skillfully untangled in one short sentence. As adults we are taking on a teen issue that we don't fully grasp.

We don't really understand a world where the cell phone is as important as seeing someone in the hall or that facebook is simply an extension of your day. So how can we solve anything when this is not the way we, as adults, live? But if we concentrate on our main job of nurturing good citizens, then good citizens will be good citizens whether they're texting from the mall or sitting in the lunchroom.

In other words, Aidan says, "It's everyone's problem and everyone's solution."

Next up was his Dad, Gary, a clinical social worker for the Morgan County, West Virginia schools. Gary supports the 7 schools in their county in their efforts to meet the psycho-social needs of the students. That ranges from developing bullying prevention programming to suicide prevention, to family work, to crisis management, to reconciliation work, training faculty and staff, coordinating counselors, and providing direct care to students. Needless to say, Gary is up close and personal to what's going on in the lives of students and schools.

As soon as he started to speak, the light bulb went on. No wonder Aidan is so cool, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At his son's request, Gary threw out his formal talking points and spoke from the heart. He talked about two simple equations:

Citizenship = Relationship

Digital Citizenship = Relationship Amplified

That's it!!! It's not different. It's just amplified....so if it's a good relationship offline then the communications online will most probably be fine or even better than fine, but if it's a bad relationship, watch out. Technology can make it much worse.

Why is this important? Because as parents and teachers, we have to understand that the good behavior, attitude and respect that we instill in our children will be amplified. Or if we turn our backs and don't pay attention to our children's every day peer to peer relationships and we don't stop bullying in it's tracks, it will also be amplified.

Thanks, Gary and Aidan. You both just told us like it is...and my gratitude is amplified.

Accepting Others is the Anti-Bully

2011-12-12T17:19:00.012-05:00

Single Dad Laughing blogger Dan Pearce wrote a piece about acceptance titled "Im Christian, Unless You're Gay." It's not really about religion or homosexuality, it's about acceptance, in general. It's a powerful blog with powerful messages, which is why I wanted to share his follow up vlog.

My immediate takeaway? Make someone's holiday this year and just accept them whether or not they're "like you." That's all. Accept them. Give them eye contact. Engage them in conversation. Have a laugh. Treat them like equals because, of course, they are.

If you have kids, it will be the best Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanzaa gift you can give. Kids become bullies when they get in the habit of judging others. They either hear us doing it or they're not stopped when they try it on their own or they copy their peers to fit in.

There's no time like the holidays to change how we treat others...and to show our kids the power of simple love.

And after you've done something you're proud of, take a page from Ellen DeGeneres or Single Dad Laughing, Dan Pearce...and Just Dance...

2011-12-08T15:17:00.000-05:00

In case you were wondering and according to a study by the Girl Scouts Research Institute, yes, reality shows can make girls more mean.

We can put all the bullying prevention campaigns in place that we want, but when teens are surrounded by mean, it's hard to prevent it. People often say, "What's the big deal? Bullying has been around forever", but with the dawn of the reality show phenomenon, being mean has helped create a new low. Now, it's "funny" or "cool."

Are you reading this producers of Bad Girls Club? Do you care? Probably not, but it's ok for us to care. Ask your kids if they watch it. If they watch it and laugh at it, worry...and say something. Somewhere along the way, we have to get the message across that if it is reality, in any way shape or form, it's a very sad reality.

There's another aspect to this story. Often when we see someone doing something so extreme, we feel we're not as bad as and that gives us permission to be mean but not that mean. In other words, many popular reality shows lower the bar. It's not ok to be mean, even if it's not as mean as what we're watching for "entertainment."

When did it become ok to watch people, including teens, assault each other?

For Jamey Rodemeyer's Sake, Listen

2011-12-06T10:10:00.009-05:00

It was reported today that the kids that taunted Jamey Rodemeyer, calling him a f---t and telling him that he should kill himself got off with a slap on the wrist. This is a particularly disturbing case because the taunting and brutality didn't stop after the suicide. Jamey's sister was taunted even after her brother took his own life. The same kids that taunted him in life chanted at the Homecoming Dance -- when a Lady Gaga song came on -- and during the same weekend as Jamey's wake, "You're better off dead, we're glad you're dead."

This is not unique to the Buffalo area. Other families grappling with the suicide of a child due to bullying have experienced the same thing. That scares me. A lot. It's one thing for kids to not understand what their brutality does to another human being but it's exponentially worse when they still don't get it after a child hangs himself.

I once heard that young teens are wired for the "pack mentality," meaning they like to be in groups and what the group thinks and does rules. But to this degree?

Are we're losing it? Are we losing our outrage? Are we losing our ability to teach kids empathy? Because even if they do run in packs, this horrible outcome should have stopped them in their tracks.

This should be sending up a flare.

Jamey also said in a video shortly before he died that "I was always saying how bullied I am, but no one listens." If there is only one thing we can do as a result of this poor child suffering so deeply, we can listen.

Each one of us can listen. It should be without interruption. Turning off cell phones, TV, and all the other clutter and just listen. And if what that child is telling us is bad, we can be outraged for them. We can validate what they're going through...or just sit in interested silence.

And Jamey's Dad has this piece of advice for parents who are worried that their kids are being bullied, "Badger your kids and make them talk."

I think most of us have experienced the relief of having someone understand. Sometimes it was from someone you didn't expect.

Experts tell children to "tell a trusted adult" when they're having a problem with bullying. Listening is usually a sign that we can be trusted.

Thankful for the People Who Step Up: ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition

2011-11-22T15:40:00.011-05:00

Are you ever curious how and why certain people become involved in the bullying prevention issue?

Recently, I became aware of a great site and facebook page for ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. It's really inclusive. It made me wonder who started it and why. When I found out the founders, Cari, Candice and Aunt T, are based in Michigan City, Indiana, I almost fell off my chair. I grew up in Michigan City (Long Beach, specifically) and although I was 13 when we moved and I have no family there, I still consider it "home."

Their Mission:

We are passionate about implementing pro-active anti-bullying solutions into our school system and as far around the world as we can grow! We have found such need in our community to advocate for families as well as help change the belief that "kids will be kids" and "it makes them stronger" with the knowledge that even one bullying episode can have life long negative effects. And although our program is currently focused on school time bullying, we hope to spread the word; bullying is a personality and it spans all ages and crosses all boundaries; race, religion, size, gender, socioeconomic status, educational level, sexual orientation and does not stop in High School but continues on to the workplace, retirement homes, private clubs, organizations, it's everywhere.

Why They Stepped Up:
Cari’s Story:

There are moments in life that change us, define us for the next chapter, and it was one of those moments that inevitably led to the creation of ABC. I am a mom of three children, distinct and wonderful in their individual ways. When people ask me why I started ABC, they are always surprised when I tell them it’s not because I was bullied, or because my own children have faced it…. Is it a factor behind it? Yes, of course…. But it was not the inspiration. Instead the inspiration came in a defining moment, when I found myself openly crying in my office after reading yet another story of a child who had taken their own life due to bullying. I empathized with the child that felt it was their only escape and as a parent, who cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It is my greatest fear. Right then, I decided I would do “something” in the fight against bullying.

I researched it heavily, wrote letters, connected with teachers and friends… I talked with my fiancé of knowing this was “something” I was meant to do, but I didn’t know what that “something” would turn out to be. The “something” became clear, when my best friend, Candice, put me in touch with moms locally whose children were facing bullying and were being silenced by the school system. ABC was created within days and I continue to look forward to a future so bright “I have to wear shades.” ☺ I am determined to end bullying…. That is my goal, and while there may be those who scoff and say, “That’s never going to happen,” it only makes me that much more determined. Each time I learn of another child’s death, I cry tears… tears for the child, tears for the parent, the family and the friends… and my resolve strengthens. We CAN change this society from one of cruelty and violence to one of kindness and empathy. We CAN stand up, band together and have our voices heard. We CAN do all of these things….. together.

Candice’s Story:

I am involved with ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition for many, many reasons, but the main desire to help end bullying stems from experiences I had during my high school years.

When I was younger, I was teased, bullied, and sexually harassed beyond belief because of my large breast size, which lead to taunting and malicious rumors being spread about me. Because of the extreme personal nature of the bullying, I was too ashamed to tell my parents, a teacher, or an adult about the harassment. I am still ashamed about it to this day.

As a result, I developed severe anxiety issues relating to school, especially the classes that included my tormentors. Eventually, I had skipped so many classes, and missed so much school that I had to be pulled out and “homeschooled” for the remainder of the school year, and the administrators recommended that I attend the city’s Alternative High School the next school year. This “punishment” ended up being my salvation.

The alternative high school’s atmosphere was completely different from that of the public school. It was more family oriented, with students comfortable enough to stick up for fellow students when issues would arise, and teachers and administrators sincerely cared for their students, which was constantly demonstrated through their actions. Here, my self-confidence flourished, here I thrived. The shy, quiet, self-conscious girl who was so ruthlessly tormented at her previous school found herself standing up for others, and standing up for herself. The Alternative School was not perfect by any means and issues of bullying DID go on, but incidents were not swept under the rug and were dealt with by the administrator’s head on. Because of their actions, I have experienced a school environment that did not tolerate bullying on any level; I know from experience that such a place CAN exist. I also know how a school like this can heal a person’s soul.

Aunt T’s Story:

I have always had extraordinarily strong feelings about right vs. wrong. I am frustrated by injustice in this world and voice my opinion frequently. They are not always popular or well received, but I have always felt it is vital to not just sit back and watch someone be treated as inferior. To me, this is condoning the behavior/treatment.

Sometimes it is very hard to look someone in the face and ask them to not use a derogatory slur or questions their strong beliefs if they differ from my own. But I am confident enough in my beliefs that I usually don't let intimidation hold me back. The same cannot be said for all people I am friends with or even folks in my family. I would sit back and watch people laugh off comments that I know for a fact they do not believe or feel acceptable. I would question them later, inquiring as to why they didn't "correct" the person or verbally "defend" their beliefs? Without fail people would say; "What good would it do? It won't change their beliefs". While I understand why people feel this way, it is an unacceptable belief. It falls into the "If not now, when? If not me, who?" philosophy.

If I don't highlight right from wrong, I am NOT honoring my beliefs. If I don't fight to keep our children safe from the torture of bullies, who will? If I didn't help change peoples view, language and level of acceptance... I am condoning, therefore perpetuating, the prejudice. This crosses over into bridging the communication gap between school systems and families.

I do not believe our school systems are ambiguous. I believe most teachers and administrators care deeply about our children. Likewise I believe parents are acutely aware of their children's physical and mental well being. But so many people seem to get stuck on the accepted bullying wheel. Many beliefs and sayings are widely accepted by society; schools and homes are just microcosm of society. Bringing schools and families together to work through bullying issues changes society.

One child, one family, one school, changes society. That is why I am part of ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. Even one family helped, one mind changed, one school made more aware - profoundly impacts society. I stand up for what I believe in. I fight for what I feel is right not only for my own but for those who are unable or unwilling to do so for themselves. "Prejudice is learned. Teach acceptance" is my gospel. Aunt T~

Inspiration from Michigan City makes me thankful. (And wonder what the MEAN on their t-shirts mean? It's "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" Where does your inspiration come from? Would love to hear your story.

P.S.: The "MEAN" on their t-shirts stands for "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" (Moms are so "mean," and in this case, it's a good thing!)

New Study: Teens, Kindness & Cruelty on Social Network Sites

2011-11-16T18:29:00.003-05:00

I read about the recent findings from the Pew Research Center study on Cyberbullying and Internet safety -- Teens, Kindness & Cruelty on Social Network Sites -- but before I could write about it myself, I discovered this article and low and behold, it's by my cousin-in-law, Warren Raisch, an expert in all things online. Thank you, Warren, for allowing me to share this:

The Dark Side Of Social Networking – 88% of Teens Witness Online Cruelty on Social Networks.
Posted on November 14, 2011 by Warren Raisch on his blog Think Conversation!

An entire generation is growing up with the Internet as a central part of their daily lives. Social Networking is a big part of that daily experience. As social networks mature, it should probably be no surprise that they will start to reflect both the good and the bad elements of the societies that they operate in. Unfortunately meanness and bullying is a growing issue for teens according to a new report out from Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project, which surveyed 799 kids ages 12 to 17 and a parent or guardian.

As a parent, I struggle with how much access to provide to my children on the Internet in general and with Social Networks. Being in the industry I recognize the power of the Internet and all of the wonderful access there is to knowledge, entertainment and connectivity to family and friends. But as a parent I also recognize the danger of too much access and lean towards controlled and supervised access for my children. My general practice has been to provide one computer to the kids with child protection software located centrally in our home in our Kitchen/Family room area where my wife and I can supervise all Internet access.

We monitor the sites they visit and the content they interact with. We are just entering the Social Networking participation with our oldest daughter and we have allowed her to set up a Facebook account with my wife and I included as friends and with us monitoring the activity. To be honest, I was very uncomfortable with the decision but since we know all of her friends and the family members on her Facebook account it is going fine so far. But I encourage parents to stay involved and don’t be afraid to monitor your kids. It is our responsibility to monitor them and guide them. If we don’t someone else will.

KEY SUMMARY FINDINGS FROM THE STUDY:

The majority of social media-using teens say their peers are mostly kind to one another on social network sites. Their views are less positive than those of social media-using adults.

Most American teens who use social media say that in their experience, people their age are mostly kind to one another on social network sites. Overall, 69% of social media-using teens think that peers are mostly kind to each other on social network sites. Another 20% say that peers are mostly unkind, while 11% volunteered that “it depends.” At the same time, in a similar question asked of adults 18 and older, 85% of social media-using adults reported that people are mostly kind to one another on social network sites, while just 5% felt that people are mostly unkind.4

88% of social media-using teens have witnessed other people be mean or cruel on social network sites.

Among social media users, 88% of teens have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on a social network site. Asked, “When you’re on a social networking site, how often do you see people being mean or cruel?,” teens who use social network sites say the following about how frequently they witnessed such behavior:

12% say they witnessed cruel behavior “frequently.”
29% say they saw meanness on social network sites “sometimes.”
47% say they saw such behavior “only once in a while.”Overall, adults are less likely to say they have seen meanness on social media; 69% of adult social media users say they have seen people being mean and cruel to others on social network sites.
7% of adult social media users witness meanness or cruelty “frequently” on the sites.
18% say they saw meanness on social network sites “sometimes.”
44% say they saw such behavior “only once in a while.”15% of social media-using teens say they have been the target of online meanness.Some 15% of teen social media users have experienced such harassment themselves in the past 12 months, while 85% of them have not.

“Online lives and offline lives are now merging more and more, and that’s something parents have to be aware of,” says Jim Steyer, founder of Common Sense Media, a non-profit that educates kids and families about media use. “There is still so much we don’t know about how (social media) affects teens’ social and emotional development.”

About 93% of teens surveyed say they have an account on Facebook, and 62% say the profile they use most often is set to be private so only their friends can see what they post.

86% of teens say they have received advice from parents about how to be safe online.
55% of teens say they don’t post content that might reflect poorly on them in the future.
22% have had an experience on social media that ended a friendship with someone.

To read more, check out the full report.

Who is Your Be the One Go-To Adult on 11-11-11

2011-11-11T08:50:00.001-05:00

One One - One One - One One is a perfect day to talk about the real need for adults to understand the importance of stepping up. It's also a perfect day to honor the thousands of members of the military who have done -- and are doing -- just that.

Recently, at the International Bullying Prevention Conference in New Orleans, Kathryn Otoshi and I gave a workshop on her book, One, and the Be the One campaign. When we talked about the Be the One Go-To Adult, we wanted people to think about who their Go-To Adult was and how they helped or if they didn't have one, what they had to deal with on their own.

One of the leading pieces of advice for kids being bullied is "tell a trusted adult." But as talked about before on this blog, that's only good advice if we can be trusted. I didn't say well-meaning (because most of us are) but actually trusted. That means we need to think about how we react. When my kids would come home and tell me about some peer to peer atrocity, my first instinct was to want to dismember the other child. Sound dramatic? Perhaps, but I know I'm not alone. Other parents take a much more laid back approach and tell their kids to "get over it."

There's a happy medium, like listening, sympathizing, creating a strategy and following up. Imagine what a difference it would make if we knew what we were doing and kids felt safe. It would not only help prevent bullying but it would help blunt that long tail of pain that bullying causes. (Be the One Go-To Adult materials are downloadable and for free!)

On this special and never to be repeated day of 11-11-11, think about who the Be the One Go-To Adult was (and maybe still is) in your life, think about how important that role is, and if possible, hug them. And if it's a vet, hug them twice.

Lessons from Fred, Rodney and Paul on How to Step Up: From Tragedy a Little Hope

2011-11-02T08:54:00.003-04:00

One month ago today, 18 year-old Fred Drew died of a gunshot wound to the chest in Florida.

According to his family and friends, this crime was the result of Fred stepping up for others:

Fred Drew sacrificed his life protecting friends from bullies. Fred was always a loving and happy soul, a protector, not afraid to stand up for what was right and always there to help others in need. He was well loved by all, he was a mentor, a leader and an integral part of his community.

Fred was born on April 16, 1993. He graduated from Citrus High School, class of 2011, where he excelled in several sports, including the wrestling team, varsity football team (team captain), and weightlifting where he attained all-state status. Fred was a true champion on and off the field. He was scheduled to receive a full wrestling scholarship from Bloomsburg University. He was also being considered by the United States Navy for their Navy Seal Program. Raised in the Episcopal faith, he was a member of St. Margaret's Episcopal Church in Inverness, Florida where he served as an acolyte.

This happened only 30 days ago. His family must be reeling with grief. They deserve our love and support.

Fred's cousin and godfather, Rodney Briguglio, shared with me the pain that their entire family is experiencing. What a loss. He also told me that how in the middle of your darkest moment, what a difference simple kindnesses can make and how, sometimes, it's the most unexpected people who step up and give you hope.

Rodney decided very quickly after the tragedy to establish a charity to help the victims of bullying and their families:

Two days after Fred's death I decided to take action and start the Frederick P Drew Memorial Fund Inc. to honor his name and heroics.

I applied for the non-profit that day, within two weeks I had received all of the documents from the lawyers and was incorporated as a non-profit. Now I had the task of choosing the best bank to hold the funds. I have been doing business with Wells Fargo for years so I decided to use them. When I arrived at the bank I was greeted at the door by a customer service representative and asked how she could be of assistance, I explained my reason for being there and she escorted me to a waiting area.

Within a minute licenced personal banker Paul Schild greeted me and led me to his desk to open the account. I explained what had happened to my cousin and how I had decided to start the foundation against bullying. Paul listened closely and was sincerely moved and empathetic to my situation. He also commended me on taking action so quickly and turning our families sadness into someting positive that will benefit other families victimized by bullying.

After filling out all of the necessarily documents I handed Paul my first donation check of $25.00 to open the account. He took the check and went to the teller line to deposit the money. Upon returning to his desk he handed me the receipt and said "I personally matched the $25.00 donation so your account balance is $50.00. I was speechless. Acts of Random Kindness like this are practically unheard of these days. I was so touched that someone would give so selflessly and take a personal interest in his customer. It's nice to know that I chose the right bank and that people like Paul Schild are still out there going above and beyond.

Paul stepped up. He had no idea that Rodney would tell me that story or that he would be getting any attention at all. He just knew that Rodney and his family needed to know people are listening, caring and feeling their loss.

I've also never heard of a charity raising money to help bullied kids get the counseling they need. Stepping up for bullied kids in this way is a worthy cause and will truly be honoring an upstander. Peace to you, Fred, and to your loving family.

Celebrating My No. 1 Hero on 11-1-11

2011-11-01T15:48:00.001-04:00

One One - One - One One. What a fitting day to celebrate my No. 1 hero, Houston Rivero. Houston is 23 today.

Why is he my No. 1 hero? Because Houston knows how to love. Although strikingly handsome with a wickedly adorable twinkle in his eye, it hasn't been easy for Houston. Twenty-three years ago his mom was on a helicopter being rushed to a hospital that could care for this baby who came very, very early. As he got older and grew, so did the challenges...but it never stopped him from being patient and enjoying everything he possibly can.

He doesn't spend his days bringing others down and with a smile and an indescribable warmth, he makes sure he spreads that love around.

There should be more of the type of unconditional love that he gives and inspires from others. And his parents should get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award. Twenty-three years of constant care and support. Shouldn't people get some sort of parade for that kind of devotion?

So Happy Birthday, Houston. You're No. 1.

Listen to Ally: When It Comes to Being Bullied, She Knows What She's Talking About

2011-10-26T11:21:00.003-04:00

Several months ago, my friend, Nancy, and I attended a bullying and cyberbullying panel discussion featuring some of the top names in the field...but the most impressive by far, was an expert sitting in the audience. The most riveting remarks were by a young well-spoken girl by the name of Ally. She began to speak honestly and openly about her own experience:

Allyson is a 21-year-old from Franklin, NJ who was cyberbullied, bullied, and harassed in high school after an ex-boyfriend forwarded a topless picture of her to her entire school. She has since done multiple interviews, goes to schools and talks to students about the dangers of sexting, and educates others on digital abuse awareness. She also appeared in the MTV News special "Sexting in America: When Privates Go Public." She is currently attending school for Vascular Sonography and is writing a book about sexting and the severe repercussions she had to overcome after high school.

I reached out to Ally to ask her to share her three top tips for parents and teens:

1) Do not ever put anything in writing or pictures that you wouldn't want your parents, teachers, or family to see. Once something is sent it can never be taken back. It is virtually out there forever, and it CAN haunt you for the rest of your life.

2) If you are a parent or guardian and you suspect something is up with your teen, TALK TO THEM. Keep your eyes open to warning signs of bullying. i.e drop in grades, isolation, sudden personality changes.

3) If you are a teen who is being bullied online or off, GET HELP. Be it through your parents, a trusted friend, or a teacher, find someone you trust who is reliable enough to help you. You can not deal with it on your own.

Ally taught me so much in just a few minutes during that symposium. She was immediately likable and made me realize that this momentary lapse in judgment can happen to anyone and the fallout is cruel and brutal. (I always say that "even nice kids" can run into trouble on the internet but no one deserves to be tortured.)

October's National Geographic cover story, The New Science of the Teenage Brain, as well as CNN's story, Why Teens Are Wired For Risk explain why teens do things that seem risky and thoughtless. They mention 2 things: 1.) they don't think about the risk, they think about the reward (such as having a boy really like you) and 2.) they are preparing to leave the nest and become independent (from what I understand, kind of testing things out.)

Knowng this doesn't make it any easier to parent teens, but it may make it easier to understand why even "good" kids push the envelope (and actually most kids are good). We cannot abandon them.

Thanks, Ally, for being brave and sharing your story. It's noble that you're willing to help others.

And, thanks to my dentist, Dr. Tricorache. Have you noticed yet that your October issue of National Geographic is missing? (Some brains actually never fully mature.)

A Question Bullied Kids May Be Asking: Is Love Alive?

2011-10-24T10:35:00.003-04:00

Is love alive? For kids who are made to feel worthless by peers, siblings or sadly from some adults in their lives, they may not think so.

This message is simple. We all have what it takes -- two ears, a heart and the opportunity -- to help kids feel like love is alive.

Kids most often suffer from bullying in silence. They cannot know what they cannot see or feel. If they don't have someone in their lives who "sees" them or has the guts to listen to them and feel their pain, then love is not alive for them.

Can we step up and Be the One Go-To Adult? For tips, go to Tangled Ball...but if a little reminder is all it takes, listen to Winter Song again by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson.

"My voice will be a beacon in the night." -- Winter Song

The Charles M. Blow Essay on Bullying You'll Never Forget

2011-10-22T14:34:00.003-04:00

I had never thought of suicide before and had never remembered ever speaking the word, but, in that moment, the idea fell on me so completely and so agreeably that it was as if I had planned it.

I dug the bottle of aspirin from my pocket. I was going to take them all. I had no idea if they would kill me, but I hoped that they would. Then the questions came. Would it hurt? How long would it take? Would my mother be sad? Would I go to hell for committing suicide? Heavy questions piling up like boots at the bottom of a dark closet.

Before I could form answers, one of my mother’s songs came to save me.

The New York Times published this essay, The Bleakness of the Bullied, by Op-Ed Columnist Charles M. Blow on October 15th. He was referring to a time in his life that bullying and teasing were partly responsible for almost driving him to suicide. He was 8.

In today's letter to the editor by Stuart Green, Director of the New Jersey Coalition for Bullying Awareness and Prevention, he adds,

And when bullying does occur, we must ensure that all children have the lifesaving adult support that rescued him, if not at home, then at school.

I couldn't agree more. How do we make sure that each child has that Go-To adult in their life? Why is it so important? It can be the difference between life and death. Or it can be the difference between suffering and the light-heartedness children truly deserve.

By sharing his story and lending his beautiful writing skills to helping us feel the problem, Charles should get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award!

Anderson: Bullying Prevention Expert on What Parents Can Do

2011-10-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

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Recently, the new Anderson show covered the topic of bullying, which featured bullying prevention expert, Dr. Dorothy Espelage. (By the way, Anderson Cooper went on to host a week of shows about bullying and prevention on AC360 a week later and that's why he should get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award.)

I'm sharing it again, here, because Dr. Espelage gives a tremendous amount of solid advice for parents in a very short period of time and it's worth watching and sharing. She talks about the school's responsibility but also how critical it is for the kids to come home to a safe environment -- one in which they can share what's happening without worry that we'll overreact or under react -- and one that can cushion them from some of the negative things they're experiencing. In other words, they need a sympathetic ear and reassurance that they're important and loved.

Tips from the interview include:

WHAT YOU CAN DO:

• Insist on a bully prevention plan or safety plan for your child
• Call parents of bullies or bully group and arrange a meeting, if you can
• Get your child involved in other activities to build confidence
• If you have the means, get your child in therapy

WHAT YOUR CHILD CAN DO:

• Get off of Formspring and other social networks
• Tell, tell, tell! Talk to parents, and your support network
• Keep record of all bully incidents
• Manage your anger
• Reach out to other kids in your school that are being bullied
• Do not let the bullies know that they got to you
• Role-play

When you listen to her interview, she also mentions that the school bullying policy should match what is really happening. In other words, it's not good enough for a school to say they have a policy if kids aren't being stopped from bullying kids with disabilities or the way they look, etc. It's a great point.

Come to think of it, Dr. Espelage should also get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award.

Being Called 'Fatso' Seared My Soul: Mayor Koch

2011-10-19T13:53:00.004-04:00

Gay teens -- or teens and kids perceived as gay -- get bullied often and brutally. It's horrible and needs to stop.

No doubt about it.

But there's another group of kids that can't seem to escape it either. Ironically, it's another three letter description -- Fat -- or perceived as "fat"-- in our "size 0" society.

I don't think kids who get teased for their size get as much support as other kids. The list of mean adjectives thrown at kids in the hallways, on the bus, in the schoolyard and online are endless. Fatso, lard ass, grotesque, etc., etc.

Can you imagine how hard it is to struggle with your weight and feel like you'll never fit in because you're not wearing those cute jeans, you're not comfortable in gym class, you feel like everyone is watching what you eat in the cafeteria and nobody wants to sit next to you on the school bus? Torture.

Recently, former NYC Mayor Ed Koch, released his new children's book, co-authored with his sister,Pat, Eddie Shapes Up, based on his experience as a fat child (his words, not mine.)

In an Oct. 7th radio interview with CEO and founder, Linda Frankenbach for fitsmiForMoms.com, Mayor Koch not only talked about his weight as a child but the burden of being bullied.

I was a fat kid, and when I was in the schoolyard, the other kids would call me ‘fatso,’ and I will tell you that it seared my soul.

He shared some words of wisdom for parents, and since he's 87, it demonstrates that these childhood experiences never quite leave you:

You have to encourage a child, never make fun of a child. Other children are mean-spirited and will make fun – that’s the nature of being a child. But a parent can’t make the boy or the girl feel additionally upset because they think you don’t love them because they’re fat.

My parents never asked me about being bullied. That was a private matter where I had to depend on my friends. But I think every parent should say to their child, let’s you and I be really close friends and share our secrets. Tell me, maybe we can help.

I'd like to add to that list. Don't let your child tease about someone's size. Overweight kids often pretend it doesn't hurt but there's no way hurtful comments that make you feel diminished are ok.

If you have a teen girl struggling with her weight...or if you're a parent of a child who is overweight, visit fitsmi.com and it's companion but separate site, fitsmiForMoms.com. Kids and parents need extra support -- not nasty comments -- when they're struggling.

Ask any overweight child why it's so hard to be bigger than the other kids. As Michaela McNutt,a young 11 year-old girl in Florida who lost over 50 pounds with the help of her mother and is now inspiring others to do the same, says:

I know the bullying, the teasing. And you can do this. It's not impossible."

5 More Tips on How To Be the One Go-To Adult

2011-10-18T11:16:00.000-04:00

Elizabeth Lasky , a leader in social work, specializing in bullying, cyberbullying and relationship issues, spoke at a conference in NYC recently. I was struck by her grasp of the bullying issue and her common sense approach.

She works with kids on their own turf and seems to really understand how their world works. Often, there's a disconnect between what an expert will advise and what really works for kids.

The reason I followed up with her is that while she was on the panel, she said that she asks kids to write down on a piece of paper the name of the person they would go talk to if they had an issue.

In other words, who would be their Go-To Adult? This is key. You can't advise kids to talk to a trusted adult when they haven't thought of who that person would be or if that person doesn't have the tools to be the "trusted adult."

Liz kindly contributed her tips to our Be the One Go-To Adult Campaign. She kept them simple but powerful:

5 TIPS FOR THE GO-TO PARENT

1. TALK TO YOUR KIDS!

2. Treat your kids as the expert!

3. Be supportive. If there’s a problem, work together patiently.

4. Promote good digital citizenship.

5. Seek help – help your child create a web of support.

5 TIPS FOR THE GO-TO TEACHER

1. Get to know your school policy

2. If you see bullying, INTERVENE IMMEDIATELY

3. Report the incident to the right person

4. Make your classroom a safe place that embraces tolerance and respect.

5. As a follow up, check in with all students after any incident.

One that is not often discussed is if you're a teacher, 1.)"Get to know your school policy."

Believe it or not, many principals don't know their school policy...or if they have one. If the school isn't clear about a bullying policy, help them. Do a little research and find out what other schools are doing. Some states, such as Massachusetts and New Jersey have public school policies in place by law (and I'm a little on the fence about them). But what about the other states...and what about private and/or parochial schools?

This is an area where parents and teachers can make a huge contribution by being an advocate. Don't get mad. Do something.

Anderson Trying to Untangle Messy Issue of Bullying

2011-10-10T13:35:00.005-04:00

Anderson Cooper should get a Tangled Ball Award for putting so much effort into trying to untangle the complicated mess of bullying through his series this week: Bullying: It Stops Here. He is definitely a Be the One Go-To Adult.

If you missed the televised town hall meeting that he hosted on CNN from Rutgers last night, tune in to AC360 for the next 5 nights as he, along with expert guests, shave away at this tangled up problem affecting the emotional and physical health of so many kids.

Rosalind Wiseman, Dr. Phil, Lee Hirsch of The Bully Project and even mom and celebrity Kelly Ripa and Jane Lynch were on hand but clearly, the stand out experts last night were the kids and clearly the stand out message was "Listen."

Bullying is such a huge issue. There are three strings in this knotted mess that I would like to address: Early prevention, parenting and the role of the bystander (or a better term -- upstander.)

Early prevention:

We need to start young. Waiting until middle school is too late. Even waiting until middle school to encourage kids to talk to a trusted adult is often too late. They're self-conscious at that age and it helps if they've established trusted relationships with adults they can talk to before they have an issue.

Parenting:

• We need to encourage young parents to prepare their kids for school and then set the expectation with their children that they need to be treated well and they need to treat others well.

• We need to bridge the gap between the school and home. What's wrong with having mandatory school-wide meetings at the beginning of the year to discuss the school's expectations when it comes to bullying? Often it's only addressed after a problem arises.

• As they get older, we need to know how to respond when they come to us with a problem.

Bystander (Upstander):

Money, time and effort have to be spent creating school climates where you feel like the outsider if you treat others poorly. Train kids how to -- and expect them to -- step up. Make them feel good that they have that power. (There are plenty of great organizations that help with school climate. The National School Climate Center is one.)

There are dozens of other tangled strings and I hope some are going to be discussed this week on AC360. On my wish list is the role of media. Literally, our kids are surrounded by mean.

Tonight Rachel Simmons will be on talking about the role of the counselor. Tune in.

What would you like to see addressed?

Steve Jobs on Doing What You Love

2011-10-07T16:33:00.003-04:00

http://youtu.be/UF8uR6Z6KLc

How To Make A Child Feel Better When They've Been Bullied

2011-10-06T12:57:00.011-04:00

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Notice that the headline doesn't say "How To Prevent A Child From Being Bullied." Because sometimes we can't. These things often happen in their worlds, not ours. Sometimes there's not a solution. Sometimes the only thing you can do is notice, listen, sympathize and make them their favorite meal. (And then try not to cry yourself to sleep.)

It is heart-wrenching when we don't have the answers and we may not ever know if just listening and "being there" did any good. Chances are though, that it does. You only have to look back at your own experience to know that it's true.

Bullying prevention expert Dr. Dorothy Espelage appeared on the show to share her thoughts on what to do for your child. It's good Be the One Go-To Adult advice. I sincerely hope you don't need it but in the event that you could use expert advice, here it is.

How To Help Prevent the Pain of Bullying

2011-10-01T11:11:00.011-04:00

How is it that it's become almost common to read about young kids who have committed suicide due to bullying. Just this past weekend, it only took me a couple of minutes to find three news stories relating to three different kids growing up in three different places -- The Wall Street Journal, The Irish Times and KLAS-TV -- but who have one horrible thing in common. They took their own lives.

Are we in danger of thinking this is normal? Bullying is so complicated. A tangled mess of factors make it hard to tackle -- but there are things we can do.

A leading problem:

#1: Kids Feel Alone

Kids feel alone when they are bullied. For every horrible extreme tragic story of suicide, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of kids who are walking around with similar pain and are struggling to figure it out for themselves.

Experts usually advise kids to go tell someone -- a trusted adult.

Why is it that many kids don't tell an adult? Answer: They're afraid we don't really understand the situation and we'll make it worse. They are often right.

Part of a Solution?

Be the One Go-To Adult

We can start bridging this gap between adults and kids when they're young. We can empower them in school and home with an expectation on how to treat others and how to be treated, set a school climate where it's not cool to be the bully, and engage adults by guiding them in some basic "do's" and "don't's" when communicating with -- or acting on behalf -- of a child.

If kids feel we're not going to overreact -- or under react -- or not judge them -- or embarrass them, then they might start sharing more. We might be able to hear the pain in their voice and at the very least reassure them that they are valuable. If kids understand early on that they can get the validation they need to stop their emotions from spiraling, that skill may be invaluable as they get older.

I once heard an expert say, that as a child, you only need one person to get you in order to be ok. (It was Gary Neuman who helps, among others, children of divorce.) That's so hopeful, especially if we all understand that we can be that one person who makes a child feel like they're ok.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Kathryn Otoshi, author of One, and I are proud to have created materials for elementary schools that allow kids to identify their "Be the One Go-To Adult," (hopefully in advance of a problem) and provide the adults in their life with some basic tools and advice to help them "Be the One BEST Go-To Adult" possible.

We would be honored if you downloaded the Be the One Go-To Adult Certificate and the Be the One Go-To Adult Congratulatory Letter for your school or after school program. Could it mean life or death to a child? Maybe by using tools like these and working together we won't find out.

Sometimes It Just Takes One.

Want to Help a Bullied Child? Be the One Go-To Adult

2011-09-29T16:27:00.019-04:00

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Here's a gift. Free. Just for you and the children in your care, whether it's at school, at home or in an after-school program, on the field, or in the art or music room.

One of the top pieces of advice from bullying prevention experts to children who feel bullied is to "tell a trusted adult."

Question is, although we want to help, can we actually be trusted to do or say the right thing? We can't be too hard on ourselves. It's a tricky subject even for trained counselors. But it's a child's self-esteem at risk so it's worth a try.

Award-winning author of One, Kathryn Otoshi, and I, came up with the Be the One Go-To Adult campaign. You can learn more and download a Be the One Go-To Adult Certificate and Congratulatory Letter from Tangled Ball.

We've also asked experts in different fields to give the best advice they have to help adults do the right thing.

Dr. Amanda Nickerson, Director of the Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying Abuse and School Violence, shares her top 5 tips:

LISTEN in an accepting and active manner. Adults often think that listening is not doing anything, but really listening, without interrupting, is often immensely helpful on its own. Thank the child for talking to you, as this was likely very difficult.

CONVEY EMPATHY AND CONCERN – reflect on how upsetting this must have been and how sorry you are to hear that they had this experience.

PROBLEM-SOLVE NEXT STEPS – what would be most helpful for the child? In some cases, active intervention is needed to ensure the child's safety; the child may also need help developing coping skills to prevent the situation from happening again or coping with it if it does – this is not intended to put all the emphasis on the target, but the reality is that it may happen again and just saying to kids "it's not your fault" may take away their sense of having any control over it. Seeking out the support of peers can be critical so that kids are not alone in facing someone bullying him/her.

CONTACT THE SCHOOL – the school needs to know what is happening so that action can be taken to deal with the bullying behavior. Document and provide specific details about where it is occurring and who is involved (including staff witnessing it). Realize that schools can't possibly see and know about all incidents, so avoid placing blame on the school. Rather, have a dialogue about what can be done to protect your child, while advocating strongly for your child. Realize that schools may not be able to tell you what they will do to discipline the other child. Partner with the school but if you do not receive a timely and/or satisfactory response, be persistent and realize you have other options (law enforcement, etc.).

FOLLOW-UP – with your child, with the school…keep tabs on what is happening and what you can do to help.

Thanks, Dr. Nickerson. This makes you a Go-To Adult.

Bullying: What "Drama" Means

2011-09-24T21:11:00.002-04:00

Just watching Mean Girls. Whoa! The drama! Do your middle or high school kids come home talking about drama? Is all drama equal?...or is it code for "bullying."

Researcher Danah Boyd and Alice Marwick sets us straight in this week's New York Time's blog Bullying as Drama:

Jamey recognized that he was being bullied and asked explicitly for help, but this is not always the case. Many teenagers who are bullied can’t emotionally afford to identify as victims, and young people who bully others rarely see themselves as perpetrators. For a teenager to recognize herself or himself in the adult language of bullying carries social and psychological costs. It requires acknowledging oneself as either powerless or abusive.

In our research over a number of years, we have interviewed and observed teenagers across the United States. Given the public interest in cyberbullying, we asked young people about it, only to be continually rebuffed. Teenagers repeatedly told us that bullying was something that happened only in elementary or middle school. “There’s no bullying at this school” was a regular refrain."

Older kids tend to think bullying is "kid stuff." In high school it's called "drama."

If we don't understand how kids explain what's happening in their lives, then we can't ask the right questions or be there for them in the right ways.

When kids talk about "drama," check out their body language, ask questions and whether they call it "bullying" or not, if it's mean drama, there's a good chance there's pain behind it. It's not that we should be "in their business," but cancel that...we should be in their business, especially when we can remind them that they're valued.

And as I've always said to my kids, "Save the drama for your mama." (And if you're thinking, that makes no sense, you may be right. I just said it to make them laugh.)

Kudos to KooDooz for Bullying and Cyberbullying Prevention Efforts

2011-09-19T11:24:00.000-04:00

KooDooZ, a new kids' site using "social media for social good" is going directly to the source to help untangle one string at a time in this whole bullying mess. On Friday, September 23rd from 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm (PST) which of course is 8-10:30 (ET), KooDooz is presenting a unique panel discussion encouraging participation from children and adults from around the country. The event will be livestreamed. The live and livestream audiences can ask their questions through Twitter with the hash-tag #SMWLAyouth.

I asked Lee Fox, founder of KooDooZ to fill me in on the event:

Our format invites 6 youth panelists who have either been bullied; initiated an anti-bullying campaign; or been a bully in the past with hindsight.

In addition to the panelist participation, we have also been video interviewing over 40 kids and have compiled video clips of answers to 5 specific questions about bullying. Moderators asks a question, we run the video clip, the panel discusses. We then invite our live & livestream audiences to ask what's on their minds.

As a TownHall meeting, all concerned citizens and community members are encouraged to join in this conversation. We even suggest organizing sleep-outs and dinner parties from the comfort of your own homes, youth group centers and schools.

YOUTH PANELIST BIOS:

Kylie Morgan, 16yrs
Special guest singer / Song-writer Kylie Morgan dedicated her song, "Phoebe (It Matters What We Do)" to Phoebe Prince who tragically took her life after being bullied by classmates. Kylie is also a key spokesperson for PACER.org and will be performing her music live.

Faith G., 12
Faith moved around a lot after her parents got divorced at the age of 8. Once she settled into a new school, she became bullied because of her red hair and her pigeon toe condition. Sometimes the bullying got so bad, she didn't want to go to school. She found strength in her horse, Smartie and started using horse therapy to cope with the teasing at school.

Maya M., 12
Friends describe Maya as strong. She has to be-she's overcome a lot. Growing up with a mentally ill mother, Maya was abused and put down a lot by her. It got so bad, she contemplated suicide. Maya confided in her dad and began going to therapy. Now Maya uses art as a way to express her feelings.

Malik W. 15yrs
Malik has been on both sides of bullying. He's been bullied and he's also found himself being a bully. Through guidance and leadership programs, Malik was able to pull himself out of the vicious cycle of youth violence.

Alyssa P., 13yrs
Alyssa is often seen talking with people who seem lonely and is a valued member of the Bully Prevention Club at her school. Additionally she was selected as one of the finalists in this year’s TEEN TRUTH Film Festival for her video, “STAND”.

Tyler Page, 14yrs
Tyler asked youth in his leadership academy, Kids Helping Kids to adopt Rachel's Challenge, a bullying and violence abatement program after he experienced bullying abuse.

Funny. We often talk about bullying but we don't ask the kids directly, so by the time we offer advice, it's already out of touch. I encourage everyone who is interested in the subject of bullying to watch the livestream and if you have middle and or high school kids, watch with them. (And tell your school and/or youth group.) It's a great time to get their perspective. Invaluable!

International Bullying Prevention Conference

2011-09-16T08:56:00.000-04:00

If you're reading this, you're probably already interested in doing something about bullying and cyberbullying. The statistics are staggering but the reality of the pain it causes to kids, families and schools is mind blowing.

Schools and counselors know what a tangled messy issue it is but don't have all the resources they need to turn this issue around in their schools. Instead of being angry at schools for not doing the right thing, we need to step up and help.

An opportunity is approaching. The International Bullying Prevention Assoc. conference is coming up in early November (Nov. 6-8) in New Orleans. Everyone can attend this conference and it will not disappoint. Experts from around the world representing every side of this toxic problem will converge over these couple of days to discuss the newest research about what it is and what works to help stop it. (If you have to fly, the airfare to New Orleans is worth it because the conference is very reasonably priced at $250 for non-members.)

When I became interested in this topic, I went to the conference when it was held several years ago in Indianapolis. I came away with more knowledge in two days than I could have gotten in a year. The world renowned speakers are there to inform and inspire and the workshops give school administrators, teachers, law enforcement, counselors, and superintendents hands on tools to take back to their communities.

In addition, the event will include “Bullying Prevention 101,” a day-long workshop where participants will learn specific techniques and strategies that will help them develop a great understanding of offline and online bullying behavior and learn practical ways to ensure that their schools have peaceful learning environments where positive and respectful behaviors are practiced.

If you want to do something good for your child, student and school, recommend this conference. We don't have to talk about how bad bullying is, we can learn from experts and each other and take the information back to our schools -- and stop accepting this type of school climate.

Lessons on 9/11 are Good for 9/12, Too

2011-09-11T18:07:00.003-04:00

I've had a lump in my throat and a heavy heart all week. My heart aches for the many families we know who had the worst thing happen to them on this day 10 years ago. Of course, I have my own story of fear and confusion but at the end of the day, my family was intact.

Since we had so many in our neighborhood on Staten Island who were directly and tragically affected, I assumed that my kids were basically ok. But perhaps my kids, like so many others, may have been afraid to say they weren't ok. It must have frightened kids to see their parents so visibly full of shock, fear, and sadness. Many parents were functioning but not in a way that gave kids the comfort that there was someone in charge. There is no one to blame for that except the evil people who carried out this plot.

But now with the privilege of time, we know there are lessons to be learned. Among them are how to talk to kids and address some of the things that may be causing anxiety. These pieces of advice from Common Sense are invaluable and can be used beyond the anniversary.

And of course, I have to bring this around to the issue of bullying. Kids in elementary school do not remember 9/11. Organizations, such as My Good Deed, that are promoting 9/11 as a national day of service should be commended and supported. I have a suggestion. Make it a Day of Service as well as a day to promote peer to peer respect. What do you think of this idea?

So I wish you peace on this important day. And if you are denied peace, please know that you are valued.

The Real HELP: Facing History's Lessons on the Civil Rights Movement

2011-08-22T22:38:00.005-04:00

I just finished The Help and loved it. It brought me back to my childhood and made me think about Nina. Although we lived in the north, we were a white family with a black maid. I understood how Skeeter felt about Constantine. Nina was warm, kind, had a great sense of humor and since she lived with us until I was 11, was a major part of my upbringing.

And by saying I "loved" the book, I mean that it resonated with me and made me think. It also made me want to wake up Nina because I have my own questions. Did she have a family? Children? Sisters? Brothers? Did she ever feel disrespected by us? (I know she must have felt exhausted because I'm one of eight kids.) It made me want to go back in time and although I was young, it made me want to make everything alright for Nina. It made me want to be an upstander.

This summer I was privileged to be invited to sit in on a workshop hosted by Facing History and Ourselves. It was a training session for teachers who are interested in teaching their middle and high school students about the Civil Rights Movement. Facing History creates curriculum that goes well beyond dates, places and names. It skillfully analyzes why, how, and could this happen again?

As a young child, I didn't truly understand that racism was a such a deeply ingrained system of bullying. Why not teach how deep it ran, how helpless it seemed, how hard it was to start somewhere and fight the tide of oppression? Facing History's lessons about that era untangles the collective problem and makes it personal. That's skill. Through news clips and newspaper articles, letters and a host of other sources, you felt the pain, the sting of being black in a generally mean white society.

You also felt the triumph and the bravery of the original leaders of the Civil Rights Movement, including Charles Hamilton Houston.

If you want to know more about his intellect, leadership qualities and heroism, do a little research. That's what sitting in on this class did for me...and what it probably does for middle and high school kids who need to take history personally so we never forget, not just as citizens but as humans who have choices every day on how to treat others.

Once again, Facing History you hit it out of the park. Both The Help and Facing History made me reflect on all that Nina had done for my family. Although she felt like family, I had a shocking thought sitting in the middle of that workshop. I didn't know Nina's last name.

"Tell A Trusted Adult" Is Only Good Advice When Adults Can Be Trusted: Bullying

2011-08-11T14:11:00.003-04:00

Something is missing. On almost every list for kids and teens of "What To Do When You're Being Bullied," there's a bullet point that advises:

• Go Tell A Trusted Adult

But who is that trusted adult and do they know what to say or do? Even the most well-intentioned adult might mess things up even more. It's the elephant in the room but like most tangled ball problems, there's a way to untangle one string at a time.

I've been studying bullying and online safety issues for a long time but sometimes when kids confide in me about the hurts they feel from being disrespected and mistreated, I'm at a loss for words. I always start out by telling them that I'm not a counselor. It doesn't seem to matter to them. I guess they know I'm interested and for that moment, that's what they need.

The statistics that scare me the most are the percentages of kids who suffer in silence.

There's a reason for this. Adults tend to overreact or under react. Both are natural responses because either you want to solve the whole problem for the child and take control or we don't understand the subtleties of their relationships and their worlds.

What we need is some type of training or guidance and then "Go Tell A Trusted Adult" will actually be good advice.

Kathryn Otoshi, author of the award-winning children's book, One, and I came up with a game plan. As part of our Be the One© campaign, we would like young kids to identify and honor their Be the One Go-to Adult. In other words, who is the person in their life who is easy to talk to and supportive?

Along with their very own Be the One Go-To Adult certificate, the "honoree" will get a letter that gives basic advice about "How To Be the Best Go-To Adult" possible. Additional information from experts on what to do to help a bullied child will be on Tangled Ball.com beginning Sept. 5th.

Once again, this takes a village. Do you have suggestions for the Go-To Adult? Tell us your stories, give us your recommendations.

If you're a parent, teacher, administrator, public servant, expert, coach, counselor or just your every day special Be the One Go-To Adult and you're interested in the materials, let us know.

Why Anti-Bullying Programs Miss the Mark

2011-08-07T20:57:00.007-04:00

Couldn't have said it better myself...so I didn't try. Enjoy this great article from Jane and Blair:

(Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com)

As I direct my focus to a new school year about to begin, I reflect back on the past school year and the approaches I’ve seen schools take to address school bullying among their students and their staff. The one that really misses the mark is starting an anti-bullying program.
It is common for us to see something we don’t like and to join an anti-[fill in the blank] campaign. We talk about, write about, and complain about how bad it is. Our focus is on resisting the thing we don’t like, in this case bullying. We push against it. And that’s the problem.

What We Resist Persists

There’s an old saying: What we resist persists. Put another way, when we are negative about an issue, we perpetuate or spread negativity.

When we jump on the anti-bullying bandwagon, our attention, energy and focus are on the negativity of bullying. From this place of negativity, we lack emotional access to positive solutions. The anti name has a persistent negative influence.

As an alternative to a dooms day attitude or an angry approach, a more effective option is to recognize the bullying we see. Name it. Be curious about it. Look at it from several angles. But don’t stay stuck there.

Once we’ve gotten clear on what we are seeing and where it is coming from, work to clarify what we DO want. We want better social skills, social competence, emotional intelligence, social intelligence, healthy friendships, a positive culture, a positive climate, and positive role models.

A Springboard to Create a Replacement of Bullying Behavior

This positive focus gives us a springboard to create what we want.
Once we know what we want in bullying prevention, our job is to provide structures, training, and ongoing support for our students and for our school staff – all based on a focus of creating what we want, not on stopping what we don’t want.

Let’s replace those anti-bullying posters (of kids bullying or being bullied) with posters representing healthy friendships and acts of kindness. Start social skills training early. Put forth positive examples, language and visuals everywhere to influence your students in a positive way!

© 2011 A Way Through, LLC

The Real Housewives or the Real Bullies. You decide!

2011-08-01T16:18:00.016-04:00

I was in the television business for many years and loved it. But television is one of those things that as a parent, you have to take seriously. Even if none of the other parents seemed to be disturbed about what their kids saw, I will be eternally grateful that I did care. Of course, my four kids tease me unmercifully about my attitude towards the tube when they were little but I take it like a man because I know that at the very least, it made them think about what they were watching. (Not that they always followed the guidelines. When I would walk in from work, I would hear them nearly killing themselves by leaping over furniture to turn it off before I could get upstairs. Naturally, the remote was always lost.)

Now that I'm completely immersed in the bullying prevention field, my concerns are not just for my own kids, but all kids. No matter what anyone says, I think most reality shows encourage crazy amounts of meanness. Plain and simple.

The other day, I tripped over this blog post written by Sally Berenzweig, one of the co-founders of KidSafe Foundation and asked if I could repost it because I think it's spot on. Here it is:

Ok, I admit it..I watch the Real Housewives and I am a little embarrassed about it. Those that know me may be surprised…my family (well not my sisters because they watch it too) Friends? (Well not my closest because they too watch) But I am sure colleagues might be surprised. But I do watch it and I had to write this blog after watching “The Real Housewives New York Reunion” last night.

Now I may be a little late in the game for just writing this because I tape the show and don’t know when it was first aired(another slight embarrassment) So, last night as my husband is falling asleep and I am up I start watching. Not 10 minutes into the show I feel my blood pressure rising. My husband picks his head up and says “Oh my g-d they are so mean!” and I realized these women are bullies.

So now the importance of the blog…..I start thinking ….What are these women modeling for their children?
· To speak their mind…yet not to care how another will feel about what their saying!
· To be strong…yet always at the expense of others.
· To stand up for what they believe in…and to talk over people until they see things your way.
· To tell the truth…but be mean-spirited as you tell it..
· To not listen to others because they don’t agree? To me, that speaks Bully, and that is what they are modeling for their children…how to be a bully (and boy are they good at it)
If I had the opportunity to ask each and every one of these women what have they taught their children about how to treat other people. I am sure that they would say they want their children to treat others with respect, dignity, empathy and kindness. But if you watch that is not at all what they are modeling for their children. As I am watching I wonder to myself when they look back on this footage are they embarrassed? Do they wish they did things differently? Do they realize they are the “Mean Girls?”

All I know is that I don’t want my child to be a bully or a bystander – I want him to be the kid that helps his friend who is being bullied. I want my child to treat people the way he wants to be treated – with respect, dignity, empathy and kindness and that is why I try to model that behavior for him. Children do what we do. Not what we say, and I guess at the end of the day that is why I wrote this blog. For us as parents to ask ourselves what kind of children are we raising? Act how you want your child to act – Model good behavior.

Now I know the Real Housewives shows have millions of viewers and I am one of them. Why are we watching? This is something I will have to explore further at another time. If for nothing else. It made a good blog!

ps. I promised my business partner that I would share that she has never watched any of these shows.

Teen Girls Struggling with their Weight, Bullying, and Finding Help

2011-07-21T14:02:00.035-04:00

"Children who are overweight or obese are more likely to be victimised by bullying when compared to children who are not overweight."

This statement is from a recent study in Ireland exploring the links between obesity, chronic illness and bullying. Once again, a study is coming out with something that we all instinctively know: kids perceived as fat get teased a lot. In fact the teasing often crosses the line to being just plain mean. It's bullying. (And sadly, it's not only their peers. Siblings and even parents often get in the act.)

Support Is A Life Saver

Kids feeling ok about themselves is the ultimate goal and although all of us in the bullying prevention field would like to create a bully free world, it's not likely that we can control it completely. Bullying still happens and that's why support is critical.

"Obesity and overweight are of major concern in Irish children with girls being more affected. It is associated with a higher likelihood of having chronic conditions and being bullied."

Although this study was based in Ireland, I think it mirrors what's going on in the U.S. and other countries, as well. Recognizing the particular emotional, health and social challenges girls with weight issues face, a unique Web site called fitsmi was created to offer a comprehensive resource for teen girls where they can first and foremost just be typical teens but at the same time find health advice. fitsmi believes in helping girls make small changes with big positive results. It's one stop shopping for everything from tools to help keep you on a healthy track, makeup tips, fashion advice, peer support, compassion, and inspiration. A place where they have fun, feel relaxed, get inspired and have a voice.

Since I had worked with the founders of fitsmi in the past, I contacted them to share this study and ask them:

Why was fitsmi created and why did you decide that girls struggling with their weight deserve their own place on the Web?

Teenage girls struggling with their weight need a place that speaks to them directly and mirrors their immediate concerns -- how do I look? what's cool? how can I feel better? how can I deal with my parents when they keep nagging me about my weight? how can I take charge of my own body in the way that I want to? how can I be seen for who I am and not what I weigh?

Most weight-loss programs target adults and are very narrow in their relentless focus on the scale. But diets have a very poor track record and may even contribute to longterm weight gain. In contrast, fitsmi's entertaining and holistic approach -- with blogs, polls, and community around eat, move, inspire and style -- engages girls beyond the urgent desire to "lose weight" that they often come in the door with.

Fighting the Stigma

Plus we can't forget how toxic weight stigma is -- as a society we tend to blame overweight people for being fat, lazy, irresponsible, out-of-control. Many teen girls have internalized this and it can damage their self-esteem and/or drive them to try starvation diets, drugs, or other radical schemes that only backfire and make the problem worse. Instead, fitsmi works to normalize ("I'm not alone!") and take a girl's focus off of the scale and towards feeling more positive and loving towards herself just the way she is.

Being in a group with her peers, away from the pressure of boys, parents, and the media "thinspiration" all around her, gives her the breathing space she needs to feel empowered to make the healthy changes she wants to track in fitsmi's Change Machine. And studies show that this more gentle, lifestyle-tweaking approach is far more effective in terms of weight management (the tortoise wins out over the hare).

Although millions of teenage girls are struggling with being overweight, they tend to suffer in silence. Just like any other problem, we need to hear from these girls in order to give them the support they need. (Also, parents, check out fitsmi for Moms!) One such girl is Denise Campbell, a blogger for fitsmi who sheds a light on the typical challenges of having a healthy teen life including, self esteem, relationships and the process of change. She was interviewed for fitsmi blog radio by Abby Ellin, journalist and author of "Teenage Waistland." It's worth a listen.

Listen to internet radio with Abby Ellin on Blog Talk Radio

Cyberbullying: Two Things Schools and Parents Can Do

2011-07-19T08:55:00.030-04:00

At last night's cyberbullying summit sponsored by the New York City Council, two things struck me: 1.) It's great that the room was full and there's clearly more interest and awareness on the subject and 2.) We don't quite get it yet.

Hearing From the Real Experts: The Kids

ENACT, an awesome NYC high school performing group, opened the night with a fantastic short play about sexting. That woke everyone up. It got our attention because it skillfully showed how even good kids can get pressured and send provocative photos of themselves.

One brave girl was there to tell her real story. She was a good all around student but in a spur of the moment act -- it took six seconds --sent a photo of her breasts to a guy which he forwarded and it spread like wildfire. Her mother was nearly in tears talking about the bullying and harassment her daughter received for four years after the incident. It was heartbreaking to hear her mother talk about the fact that kids are being charged as sex offenders. It's true. Think about that. They have to sit in the same room as rapists and pedophiles in court ordered therapy sessions. They can't live near a school, for example, for 25 years.

Another highlight was listening to a Wired Safety panel of teens and tweens (and even an eight year-old) talk about the various ways that the internet, and particularly cell phones, are being used as weapons. Among the 77 ways (yes, they said that 77 ways had been identified) that kids use technology to hurt each other were things like picking up someone else's phone when they're not looking and sending mean messages or pretending that others sent you harassing messages to get them in trouble. Then the drama starts, which is why a lot of cyberbullying is done in the first place. Teens love drama.

The reasons and the perpetrators can be categorized in a variety of ways. Some are mean girls (and boys); some have been bullied before and want retaliation; some are shy offline and are flexing their muscles online. But the bottom line here is that all kids are capable of doing this. Many just don't know better. Most are just kids.

Tangled Ball Problem Needing Many Solutions

Next steps? A panel comprised of reps from Common Sense Media, NYC Dept. of Ed, MTV, Facebook, Microsoft, AT&T, and the Relationship Abuse Prevention Program were on hand to report on what they were doing as organizations to help stop the epidemic. Unfortunately, it's not enough. Two basic things are missing. We need a reporting infrastructure in middle and high schools that can handle sexting and cyberbullying incidents. Schools literally do not know how to handle this issue -- and the policies and laws are not clear, which is scary. We need to help them out by untangling a few of these strings. (An organization in D.C., iKeepSafe, has an initiative called Generation Safe which is trying to do just that.) Secondly, we have to start teaching internet safety as young as kindergarten and include parents. (Common Sense Media and others mentioned to the right have fantastic and often free materials.) No two ways about it.

Other Countries Struggling With Same Issues

Just saw this piece from Australia this morning on this very subject. I'm with you, mate.

If you had two suggestions, what would they be?

Expert Rick Ackerly: Yes! Schools Can -- and Should -- Teach Empowerment

2011-07-12T16:58:00.018-04:00

I follow Rick Ackerly's blog, The Genius in Children (and his book, The Genius in Children: Bringing out the best in your child is a must if you're a parent or an educator.) Rick is a nationally known author, speaker and educator but I like to call him "the school fix-it guy". His approach to education and to kids, in general, is really refreshing. He tells it like it is and treats kids like people, meaning they have a lot going on in their brains and hearts. I asked him the following question. And although, I love his entire answer, I especially like what he says about "labeling" kids. (I also love the ten Disciplines of a Learner and the fact that when he was a principal, he had it printed on the report card.)

Is there a place for teaching empowerment in schools? If so, how important is it to the success of the individual student and to the school as a whole?

Yes, of course, schools should teach empowerment, it is in fact their job. Empowerment is critical to the success of the individuals in the school (adults as well as children). It is, also, critical to the success of the school as a learning community—even if it only aspires to be a teach-and-test academy.

Because of all the baggage around words like power, empowerment, powerful people, I have rarely used them. I think it is slightly better to say: In a good school the measure of a person’s authority is their ability to increase the authority of others. A good principal increases the authority of the teachers, the teachers increase the authority of the students. The quality of adult authority is a function of the degree to which it increases the authority of the children. (Yes, I am trying to change the way we normally think of authority.) Isn't that one way to look at an educated person: she's an authority on something?

To begin with, naming types of people is worse than useless. Our brains take to it naturally, but we need to exercise a certain set of mental disciplines to resist the temptation and, instead, strive toward seeing ourselves and others as unique. One could define education as the process of transcending the generalizations we make of ourselves and others, because the purpose of education is accurate self-definition, and generalizations are distortions of reality.

As all good doctors are charged with helping people learn how to take care of themselves, all teachers and parents should be charged with helping students have a growth mindset about themselves. In my vision children would never be named bully or victim, because once you have a label in your head, you spend the rest of your life being NOT that, and you are off the track of defining yourself; you have let a label frame your development.

In order to change behavior, we have to change the cognitive constructs of the social context, and to do that we have to change our language. If I am on either end of a bully-victim continuum, then my goal is to be somewhere in between, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to be neither here nor there. But my job, remember, is to define myself uniquely in the world.

It is more empowering to have two continua: “takes a stand” more or less, and “cares for others” more or less. I can evaluate my progress toward self-actualization by using a four point scale with 4 being “consistently” and 1 being “rarely.” Of course, I would want to be “4” on both.

Speaking for myself, for example, when I was in grade school, I was a 2 (“sometimes”) on the first scale and a 3 (“usually”) on the second. I avoided conflict (and bullies). When in trouble, I usually presented the jugular vein. People liked me because I geniunely cared about all people, especially the underdogs. I was often elected president of the class. Becoming all I could be in the world has required that I learn to go nose to nose with people without getting mad, stating my position clearly and firmly without trying to defeat the other person. It has been the challenge of a lifetime, and although most people would give me an “outstanding” on “takes a stand,” and although I might sometimes give myself a “4,” I know that I still have a natural tendency to present the jugular vein and usually try to defuse conflict with humor or charm. I rarely go nose to nose with people, and feel that that somehow makes me less of a man, even though I know it’s not true. At the age of 66 I am still working to fulfill the image I have defined for myself.

To help people toward this double-headed challenge of defining Self in Relationship parents and teachers can establish a set of disciplines. At my last two schools we put the following list of ten “Disciplines of a Learner” on page one of the report card.

“Disciplines of a Learner:”
1. Asks questions
2. Speaks up
3. Uses mistakes as learning opportunities
4. Takes criticism constructively
5. Builds on other people’s ideas
6. Welcomes a challenge
7. Takes risks
8. Listens with an openness to change
9. Perseveres in tasks
10. Knows when to lead and when to follow.

Notice that one could actually count the defined behaviors and use the 4 point scale more or less objectively. If all schools focused on graduating eighth graders who are skilled at using all the tools in this toolbox, all of our graduates would be great learners, great leaders and great students—powerful people.

As I wrote in “Banishing Bullying” A person’s behavior is strongly influenced by the social context. Establishing these disciplines as normative in a school can have a powerful effect on all other aspects of school culture and create the conditions in which victims nearly disappear and bullies are more easily confronted and changed into truly powerful people.

Genius, Rick!

Bullying: A Case Study in Ostracism from Facing History

2011-06-23T13:48:00.035-04:00

Facing History and Ourselves recently launched their new online resource, Bullying: A Case Study in Ostracism. Based on their other initiatives, including their core curriculum, I knew it would be good but it exceeded all my expectations. Before I get into why you'll thank me for bringing this to your attention, especially if you're a parent (of any age child), principal, teacher, counselor or mentor, it might be helpful to understand Facing History's mission and why they're such a strong resource as a whole:

The Ostracism Case Study evolved as part of research conducted by Harvard and Facing History and Ourselves and funded by the Carnegie Corporation of New York. At it's core, are riveting interviews with girls regarding a simple problem that began among 7th grade friends that escalated into a complicated and serious ostracism issue. (I urge you to listen to the overview of the study. Fascinating.)

A Guided Tour Through The Minds of Middle School Girls

It's also worth the time to listen to the transcripts of the girls' interviews. Like me, you may not be able to stop thinking about these word for word transcripts from girls who are only 12 to 14 years old. This is the best tool I've come across to help adults understand the world and relationships of middle school girls. I'm going to urge the schools that I work with to consider using this online and free curriculum and to include it as part of their professional development but I think it's helpful for parents at home, too. The discussion questions are simple but extremely thought-provoking and make a great platform for discussion for girls (and probably boys, too) during their middle through high school years.

An Important String in the Tangled Ball of Bullying

The girls' descriptions of what happened to cause the complete ostracism of one of the once popular girls -- to the point that she was contemplating suicide -- reminded me of a recent situation I came across involving 7th and 8th grade girls ignited by Facebook. Both situations involved feelings about a boy, the "pack mentality," cliques, self esteem, miscommunication, harshness, and cluelessness. They both escalated very quickly and by the time adults were brought in, the situation was so muddy, that it was difficult to actually help. In fact, the involvement of some of the adults at that point actually hurt the situation.

This curriculum would have been useful at the time. Facing History and Ourselves has expertly brought the global history lesson of the devastating affects of ostracism home. Thank you, Facing History.

If You're Working on Bullying Prevention...Keep Going!

2011-06-22T13:59:00.014-04:00

Do you ever wonder if this is worth the effort? In the Northeast, it's the end of the school year. Principals, teachers, counselors...and yes, parents...are exhausted. If you've been working or volunteering your time to help kids learn how to treat each other better...or to help those who have already been the target, rest for a bit. And then, KEEP GOING.

I applaud you for taking this on. The other day, I was thinking "Why do I do this?" I'd be happier renting kayaks or something equally simple and carefree. Bullying prevention is one complicated discouraging difficult task.

But then I came home and saw this article in U.S. News and World Report about the long term effects of bullying. It didn't surprise me because people in their 60's, 70's and even 80's talk to me about their childhood bullying experiences. (Believe it or not, the ones who were the bully feel as bad as the targets.)

I have to agree with Dr. Strayhorn in the U.S. News article:

Being the target of a bully involves real suffering," Dr. Earlene Strayhorn, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Loyola University, said in a university news release. "The constant stress of physical assaults, threats, coercion and intimidation can take a heavy toll on a child's psyche over time. The abuse may end at some point but the psychological, developmental, social and emotional damage can linger for years, if not a lifetime.

So take a dip in the pool, enjoy the sun, eat guacamole and tortilla chips and get your energy back. Kids need you.

Iraq, The Bronx and Empathy

2011-06-21T13:13:00.008-04:00

I know I ranted a bit through yesterday's blog about Reality TV so it may be a little ironic that today's post is about sharing something I saw on TV.

Here's a segment from last night's PBS NewsHour. It's about a teacher in the Bronx using curriculum provided by the Morningside Center for Teaching Social Responsibility. The five-week curriculum is a journey connecting the lives of children in war-torn Iraq with the lives of children here.

It's not only an effective way to teach about the Middle East, it's a beautiful way to teach empathy. Congratulations to Morningside for such innovative curriculum. And Ms. Fardig, you hit it out of the park.

Watch the full episode. See more PBS NewsHour.

Is Television Making Us Bullies?

2011-06-20T17:47:00.009-04:00

There is one big factor in the bullying conversation that hasn't made it's way into all the media attention. It's the media.

I like reality shows as much as the next shallow person but there's SO much of it! I actually heard Bobby Flay call a weeping young chef out on a food challenge show, telling her that her cupcakes were crumbly and this is the FOOD Network, not the FUN Network. I thought food was supposed to be fun.

(I don't want to necessarily pick on The Food Network because I had hours of joy watching it with my beloved mother-in-law during the last year of her life, but I think she would even say that some of the shows have gotten a little too mean-spirited. God save the poor chef who doesn't know what to do with the secret ingredient!)

But food competitions are the least of it. Just turn on Bravo or MTV and hold on to your seats. All fun and games until you realize that kids are watching the same shows: Jersey Shore, The Housewives of Everywhere, etc., etc. Screaming, cursing, hitting, stomping, blasting, blood vessels popping and manic texting.

This is what concerns me. We can deliver great school programs to help combat peer to peer cruelty from elementary school on up, but what is really influencing our kids and our culture? How do we stop this deluge of mean?

And as a side note, some of these programmers are getting in on the bullying prevention band wagon, but is that a good idea, either? Here's author and expert Rosalind Wiseman's blog post about the rather odd partnership with the NEA (National Education Association), the Creative Coalition and the WWE.

I'd really welcome your thoughts.

THINK Before You Speak

2011-06-13T15:46:00.020-04:00

A friend of mine who has three young daughters just sent "THINK" to me. Nancy is a believer in teaching her children from a young age to respect others and to expect respect in return. To do this, it takes the 3R's we don't normally think of when we think about elementary school education: reflection, relationship and resilience. Seems like these are sophisticated concepts for little kids but it's amazing how much they absorb and how simple the messages can be, for example:

THINK before you speak:

T - is it True?
H - is it Helpful?
I - is it Inspiring?
N - is it Necessary?
K - is it Kind?

Is it possible to teach young kids in school to be "mindful" before they speak or act? According to The Hawn Foundation (as in Goldie!), yes.

Post 9/11, Goldie was thinking about her legacy and after some mindful thought, decided that she had to make an effort to introduce something important but generally missing in the classroom. JOY.

Mindfulness curriculum, called the MindUP Program, is now available through Scholastic. It sounds very "new age" to talk about social emotional learning (SEL) and particularly mindfulness but it's just common sense. (MindUP is the cornerstone of the initiative, The Optimistic Classroom.) Teach children about the brain when they become school age and they will develop more of an understanding about their emotions, their behavior and their stress levels. It should come as no shock that stress makes it harder for kids to learn.

What's so cool about this training is that it's simple. Although many teachers may be resistant, in the end it's as much a benefit to them as it is to the student. A calmer, more thoughtful class is so much easier -- and much less draining -- to teach.

I sat in on one of the trainings and the teachers on hand who used the tools, were quite enthusiastic. One of the trainers was a principal in a high risk school. She said that incorporating simple techniques throughout the day, made even the emotionally challenged students able to control some of their aggressive impulses. One of the techniques is ringing a hand-held gong three times a day (or anything that makes a pleasant noise) and upon hearing that, the students stop everything and push all thoughts out of their brain in order to catch a breath and re-focus. Sound crazy? I don't think so. If adults did this at work, we wouldn't get so burned out.

Check it out. These techniques can even be used at home. Most of the time, "bullying" behavior is impulsive behavior gone unchecked. What if we taught our kids how to be in charge of their own feelings and behavior?

I think you're on to something, Goldie!

Parents and the Pain of Bullying

2011-06-07T11:15:00.010-04:00

My heart aches for all parents who are suffering watching their child be ostracized, physically bullied, called names or hurt online. It's one of the hardest things a parent can go through. It causes a flood of negative emotions.

The frustration is enormous and the fact that there is no crystal ball indicating when and how it will get better is so discouraging. Sometimes the anger is hard to manage. You may be wondering, "How did I get to the point where I'm furious with a child that was once my child's friend? Or with the parents who don't step in?"

You work so hard to build your child's confidence over the years and someone comes and steals it. That's what it is. A theft. When others don't care, it's an insult.

I hear over and over how parents of children who were once close, are now enemies because of the change in behavior their children have towards one another. I've noticed that when girls start forming cliques and start leaving one-time friends out, the mothers of the girls in the clique turn a blind eye. I often wonder if it comes down to something as simple as they are secretly pleased that their daughter is perceived as popular. No one wants a child to be perceived as a "loser." Parents are supposed to be mature. It's not always the case.

This goes for boys as well. Why upset the apple cart when the apple of your eye seems to be the one everyone wants to be around? Negative or positive attention -- it doesn't matter. It's attention.

Sometimes it just takes one parent of one of the popular kids to step up. I recently heard of one of these moms. She heard that her son and his friends were cutting out a couple of the boys in their class. Why? Because they could. The mom confronted her son and asked him why certain boys weren't invited to go get pizza. The boy's answer was lame and the mom knew it and straightened it out. It didn't happen overnight, but the situation definitely improved.

That's a cool mom. She was realistic about her own child's behavior and instead of being defensive, she was objective. She felt it was a teachable moment and the way her son was "leading" was not the desired type of leadership.

Every once in a while, you meet someone with a backbone. It's so refreshing.

To all the moms and dads out there who could be helping, please step in. It's good for you, for your own children and for your community. Kids are not going to magically do the right thing. You have the power to blunt the suffering of others.

And to all the moms and dads out there who are suffering along with your child, I hope you meet someone with a backbone and a capacity for compassion. In all the heartache, don't lose heart.

Bully Free Summer Vacation

2011-06-06T11:28:00.014-04:00

Summer has such a nice ring to it. It conjures up wonderful thoughts of lazy days and relaxed fun -- unless you're working and your child is having friendship problems. The pain that bullying brings during the school year can spill over to vacation time and not only cause continued heartache but a practical problem, as well.

What do your kids do during the summer if they can't rely on friends to help fill up the time?

Summer can be difficult and if your child isn't having fun, there is nothing light hearted about the season for you, either. It's a constant reminder that off time isn't easy.

The upside is that it may be a good time to build your child's confidence and help them find another group of like-minded kids. It's worth the time to seek out programs -- free or otherwise -- that will give your child new skills or build on the ones they already have.

Sometimes they only need one other person who likes what they like.

In our area, there's a day camp for kids who like to hike. It's great for both girls and boys. Sometimes boys who don't like traditional sports are stigmatized but hiking can be a great alternative. Even guys who like arts and crafts are often given a hard time in school but in a program that uses sticks, leaves, and bugs as materials, the stigma is gone. And girls who don't fit it with certain cliques may actually click with others on the trail.

This is just one example. There are countless programs that may appeal to kids who's interests may be on the "fringe." All that being said, I KNOW what a hassle this can be. Getting a child to and from camps or activities during the summer while you're at work can be brutal...and if your child is having a problem with other kids, you can't rely on their parents to help you out, either. In other words, it's a lot of effort for parents, but doing your homework for summer can really pay off. It may be a time when your child's confidence can actually be the project which may lead to a more positive school year in the fall.

It's also a good time to help them with their social skills. Since they'll be meeting new people, remind them how to make and keep friends.

If you ARE working (and most people are), it's also a great opportunity to set ground rules and time limits on computer use. If your child is one of the over 7.5 million kids under the age of 13 on Facebook, consider taking them off for the summer. A lot can happen when you're not home and according to statistics, over half of the kids harassed online DON'T tell a parent. (They're probably afraid that as adults, we won't handle it right -- and they may be correct.)

The bottom line is that it's nearly impossible for a good parent to have a good summer themselves when their child is miserable. Do yourself a favor and organize a summer that will give both you and your child a vacation from the fallout of bullying. Life should be a beach.

Elementary School Graduation and Teaching Gratitude

2011-05-30T12:52:00.012-04:00

My husband and I call this the "Season of Clapping." Between graduations and awards ceremonies, your hands start hurting.

It can also be a season of gratitude and a good time to teach kids to be thankful for the people in their lives.

As part of the Be the One leadership program at Our Lady Queen of Peace School, students in the older classes mentor the younger children on messages based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One.

The eighth grade mentors the second graders and it's been a good partnership. They've read books, played word games, created Venn diagrams, decorated ornaments together and in general got to know each other while building a relationship of respect.

It seemed a good idea to use the eighth grade graduation as a time to teach gratitude...and who said these lessons have to be boring? As a farewell, the second graders organized a surprise party for their older counterparts. On a day that the eighth graders were off campus, the second graders went to work making cards and signs and practicing "You've Got a Friend in Me."

In the process, we were able to talk with them about gratitude. They talked about what made their Be the One partner special.

(When the seven-year olds were asked how we should fool the eighth graders in going to the party, they suggested things like, "Tell them Jesus is in the gym," or "Tell them to come look at the two-headed bird.")

When the big day came, the second graders hid on the stage and when the curtain opened they yelled SURPRISE! The eighth graders genuinely seemed happy in a "I have to still look cool" kind of way.

They ate cupcakes and drank juice and did an activity together. Using a template of a shamrock, they were asked to wish four things for each other. One of them said, "I wish you could come to high school with me to hang out."

Understanding is the anti-bully. Gratitude is the anti-bully. Really getting to know a person that you didn't know before is the anti-bully. Listening to someone younger than you and remembering what it was like to be 7 is the anti-bully. Having someone look up to you -- hanging on every word -- can be a life saver.

Introducing these concepts in the early years is One of the ways we can change the culture of mean.

Facebook Is OK for Kids: LOLJK

2011-05-23T19:07:00.015-04:00

You're a fat pig. LOLJK*

You're so gay it makes me sick. LOLJK

What's wrong with you? LOLJK

You smell. LOLJK

What kind of outfit is that? Loser. LOLJK

You are soooooooooo stupid. LOLJK

Want to be my friend?

Over 7.5 MILLION kids under the required minimum age of 13 are on Facebook, according to a recent Consumers Union study. According to this article in the LA Times, parents with children on Facebook and under the age of 10 do not even "friend" their child on Facebook.

If you are one of those parents, I would really like to hear from you why this is ok. Are you certain that your child or your child's "friends" aren't saying stuff like this online? Are you sure it's a child talking to your child?

I hear from parents that their kids tell them "it's not fair" that they can't get a Facebook page. What's really not fair is to put kids in sophisticated situations before they're able to handle it. In all honesty, 13 is even too young.

The LA Times brings up a several key points:

For minors who lack the experience or judgment to use a social network, this raises the scary potential of sexual predators tracking down kids who reveal their age in an online chat, cyberbullying and more.

“A million kids were bullied on Facebook in the last year," Jeff Fox, technology editor at Consumer Reports, told FoxNews.com upon the release of the study. "A 10-year-old is not well-equipped to deal with those things.”

"Friending" your child isn't the complete answer, either. What do you do when you "friend" and you don't like what you see? Do you take your child's page down when you don't like what the other kids are saying? Are you sure an adult isn't posing as a child? When do you step in?

I do believe that kids need to learn how to handle social media but that is best done on sites that are kid-friendly, like Yoursphere, and others. And even then, it's only ok if it becomes a "teachable moment" and you sit next to them and guide them. How did you teach them how to cross the road safely? Did you stay in the house reading a magazine and tell them to come and tell you if they got hit by a car?

*LOLJK: Laugh Out Loud Just Kidding

Step up parents. This is no laughing matter. Your kids are hiding behind their LOLJKs. And who's hiding behind the kids?

If I Was Asked to Give a TED Talk about Bullying

2011-05-18T01:12:00.008-04:00

My daughter, Alice-Kate, just sent me this TED Talk with Ric Elias, who survived the Hudson River plane crash in January 2009. Like most TED Talks, it's thought provoking and it made me wonder what I would say in a TED Talk about bullying prevention.

My talk might start with something like this:

The pain of feeling insignificant is almost impossible to describe. People who fill whole do not understand this but people who have had love and respect withheld know exactly what this means.

It doesn't matter what you look like, how much education you've had, how many people physically surround you or how well you try to hide it. You can be an adult or a kid. It makes you feel small and the smaller you feel the less joy you have. Without joy there is very little reason to get up in the morning. Your life is diminished. This is when bullying leads to suicide...or at the very least, a slow dying inside.

Is it my imagination or are people less compassionate? When did we become unplugged? Withholding compassion can be terminal. It's torture.

Make no mistake, listening to someone with heartache today can save their life.

If you are a parent, this is your job. Do not let your child feel alone. And if you're the one withholding unconditional love or if you're showing favoritism, or not giving eye contact or criticizing them in front of others, than make no mistake, you're doing permanent damage. You are definitely not being the best parent you can be.

If you let a sibling, a spouse, a co-worker, a friend or just an acquaintance, suffer in silence, than you're not being the best human you can be.

My posts are usually more positive but I know what heartache can do. It's crushing. But help is only a kindness away. It's at the tip of your tongue and the warmth of your heart.

Thoughts on Early Bullying Prevention from the Street -- Sesame That Is.

2011-05-14T19:08:00.023-04:00

All roads lead to Sesame Street. Last week, a colleague/friend of mine forwarded a link to me about bullying. I had worked with Allen at Nickelodeon and again at Sesame Workshop. When I opened the link, it was the Sesame Family Newsletter and low and behold, it was an article written by another Sesame Street buddy, Elana Halberstadt. Little did I know that since working with Elana, she had gotten married and had a little boy, Max.

Elana and I had a fantastic catching up session on the phone. We always had a good working relationship but it was even more fun to get to know Elana as a mom.

Max, now 4, is already experiencing the joys of pre-school and also some of the challenges, as well. And so is Max's mother. Elana is already up close and personal with some of the gaps in the bullying prevention issue. What I was impressed with is that she seemed to have a handle on walking into the situation and addressing the right things for her son. First and foremost, it was to reassure her son that he's not stupid. Secondly, that he needs to learn as early as 4, to tell the child being mean to STOP. It was important for her to go to the school and discuss the issue with the teachers and they happily worked with her.

It didn't surprise me that she wrote about it for Sesame Street. I worked on many public affairs campaigns while I was a consultant there. One of my favorites was Sesame Street PEP (Preschool Educational Program), which focused on training day care providers on how to help teach very young children. This is their genius. As you may know, Sesame Street was co-founded by Joan Ganz Cooney to help reach and teach children, particularly the underserved, during the tremendously important ages from 2-5. Kids were at home and television (aha!) could be used as a tool. The humor and music on Sesame Street is skillfully scripted to not only delight the child, but to entertain the adult caretaker. Without realizing it, the parent is interacting with their little one which helps their developing minds grow. Brilliant!

And speaking of brilliant, hats off to their top-notch research department. When the numbers starting showing that kids were more likely to be in day care, PEP was developed. (Although it no longer exists in that form, it looks as if it has been replaced by high quality online resources.)

How does this all loop back to bullying prevention? Training, trust and toddlers. I think what Elana's Sesame Family Newsletter article says is that it's never too young to set healthy expectations about respect. It's important that from as early as the toddler years, if kids are in school, a parent-teacher relationship needs to start. It's not just about numbers and colors, it's about behavior at home and in school. Learning happens no matter where they are or who happens to be the teacher at the moment.

It doesn't matter how old I get, I hope I never forget the lessons from Sesame Street. And Cookie Monster, I miss you! Give me a call.

Just A Kind Word

2011-05-03T17:43:00.019-04:00

My husband's Uncle Jim Regan passed away last week. He was the President of the Board of Education in New York City during one of the most tumultuous times in its history. During his tenure in the early 1970's, the system almost went bankrupt, the mayor laid off over 10,000 teachers and the city was in turmoil. Who would want that job? Uncle Jim.

Even during the most divisive times, each day Uncle Jim would enter the downtown offices of the Board of Ed through the basement. Holding a styrofoam cup of coffee in his hands, he would have a light-hearted morning chat with the maintenance workers, then the receptionist and work his way up to his office on the upper floors. When his actual work day began, he was prepared to handle anything thrown his way.

Always the Irish charmer, Uncle Jim had a way with stories. During his last six weeks of life, though, there were no stories. Barely a syllable. Within hours of his passing and unclear as to how much he was understanding, one of his daughters asked him if he needed anything. Surprisingly and out of the blue, he said:

Just a kind word.

In a recent post, I shared Alye's video. Silently, she was asking for the same.

Many responded online but I was incredibly touched by the kind words shared on the video below created by students at Ramapo College.

These students took the time and effort to reach out. Their direct messages to Alye have probably helped thousands more. Uncle Jim would have approved.

As the President of the Board of Ed, he touched the lives of hundreds of thousands of students and teachers but you never know how he may have touched the lives of the workers in the basement or the receptionist on a bad day. He always made it clear that their kind words on some of those tough mornings gave him courage.

James F. Regan was always a good teacher. He will always be loved.

You Won't Forget The Bully Project

2011-04-28T08:57:00.014-04:00

The Bully Project premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival this past week. Since I had been involved with the film in its early stages, I took my 17-year old son to see it. It got a standing ovation.

It got a standing O for a couple of reasons, I suspect. First, it's an outstanding piece of cinematography and the audience of film lovers probably appreciated the talent of director Lee Hirsch. But above and beyond the beautiful camera work, the subject matter and the subjects themselves -- a handful of families and kids deeply and sometimes tragically affected by bullying -- took your breath away. You wanted to crawl into the screen and hug the kids and their parents and beg the misguided school administrators to stop talking and tie back the hands of the bullies on the bus.

It got to everyone. We sat in the front row but you could tell how deeply affected the audience was by the gasps, jeers and the constant sniffling that comes with tears.

This is a brave film, not only from the standpoint of the director's work but also by producer Cynthia Lowen's ability to convince the families of the bullies that this needs to be seen. Although there are definitely villains and victims, I applaud the Sioux City, Iowa school system for being the ultimate brave souls in this film. It reminds me of ABC's Hopkins 24/7 that aired several years back. As I worked on the promotion of that groundbreaking documentary series, I couldn't help but be in awe of Johns Hopkins Hospital for letting the country inside a very reputable -- but not perfect -- hospital. I feel the same way about Sioux City. It's a sacrifice to be vulnerable.

So if you're interested -- which there's a good chance you might be if you're one of the caring souls that follow blogs like Tangled Ball -- go to their facebook page or The Bully Project web site. We can figure this whole tangled mess out together.

Bullying Prevention: Are You With Me?

2011-04-26T20:20:00.002-04:00

We can all do something about bullying prevention.

Three of the strings in this tangled ball that provide hope are:

• Early Prevention

• Parenting

• Role of Bystander (or the Upstander)

There are many, many others but if we concentrate on setting standards in school at a much younger age, if we send kids to school more socially aware and we compliment good behavior and correct bad behavior and we teach kids HOW to step up for one another, then I think we have a shot at improving kids' lives.

Are you with me? Or a better question, "Are you with them?"

Future Teachers are Key in Untangling Bullying

2011-04-22T14:03:00.009-04:00

As part of a regular lecture series, I was invited, along with a St. John's University professor, to make a presentation to education students regarding the issues of bullying and cyber bullying.

I walked away feeling like I was the lucky person to learn something. It struck me how important it is to raise awareness and offer training to future teachers.

They were a great audience. Engaged and compassionate.

In this tangled mess, teachers represent one of the most critical strings. As most people know, most bullying doesn't happen in the classroom but the most consistent pieces of advice that experts give children is "Tell a trusted adult."

Aha! I think we've hit upon a huge disconnect -- but with training it can be improved. Adults, either in school or at home, don't really know what to do and kids know that instinctively. Even well meaning teachers say the wrong thing that can make a child feel even more isolated and hopeless.

OK, so here's an example that I hope horrifies you as much as it horrifies me. In my travels, I was visiting a 3rd grade classroom recently and although I wasn't there to discuss bullying, it must have been on their minds. Their hands were waving and their little bodies popping out of their seats trying to shout out their stories of bullying. I was shocked at their need to tell me all of this in such a flood of urgency. I wasn't sure why until I asked the teacher in front of the students, "Mrs. X, what do you think?" and she, (hold on to your seats) says "Oh, don't worry. They were just bullying you 'with love."

What????? Is that even possible? I don't think so.

You catch my drift. The kids can't confide in her. She makes it worse.

I think we really need to make high quality training mandatory or at least very accessible. There are many top notch organizations such as the National School Climate Center who host workshops. What if the school doesn't have the money? Have a fundraiser and send at least one or two teachers who can come back and share the materials and information. Teachers are not supposed to be social workers but they should feel prepared to react in an effective way when their students need them, especially when it directly affects the class climate. Teachers are also in a position to stop bullying behavior when they see it in their classroom or when they're walking the halls. They can also help encourage kids to be good digital citizens because young teachers, especially, have a better understanding of how kids communicate online.

I applaud St. John's for making this a part of their education outreach for future teachers. The children in their care will be very fortunate.

Bullying Can Stop a Soul from Singing

2011-04-12T14:09:00.007-04:00

There's a line from another Rascal Flatt's song, "I'm Movin On," that says "you find strength in your moments of weakness."

If we can teach kids to find their strength even when others try to make them feel weak -- and to help others do the same-- we might save some lives.

One of the most difficult parts of working on the bullying issue is that you don't know who you're helping. You can look at a whole classroom of kids and not know who is hurting inside. That's why a mentoring program seems to be helpful. It's a way to cover everyone. It's a way to make sure that each child has someone that looks them in the eye and is happy to be with them --and it goes both ways. Sometimes it's the eighth grader who needs the validation from the first grader.

I knew I had to use this video when I saw the lyrics referring to the tangled thoughts. One of the questions asked is Was there anything more I could have said or done? Maybe it's about saying, doing -- and seeing. Making sure that someone sees and validates a young child's worth on a consistent basis is so important.

Why? It might be the reason someone stays on stage and finishes their beautiful song.

Blood is Thicker than Water: Bullying Prevention and Intervention

2011-04-05T08:14:00.010-04:00

Family Discusses WH Bullying Conference: MyFoxTWINCITIES.com

The role of the sibling is so powerful. A caring sibling can make all the difference and is one of the roles that doesn't get enough attention. Siblings are often better positioned to understand the subtleties of bullying. If they are compassionate, they can be confidantes and allies. Maybe they aren't on the scene when bullying happens, but they may be that one person that makes the target feel ok about themselves.

By now, most people are aware of the story of the Australian boy slamming another boy to the ground. There's a lot of talk about who's the villain and who's the victim but it sounds like neither one of them was having a good time of it at school. After watching an Australian talk show that interviewed both boys, I was really struck with one of the side stories. Casey Heynes, the bigger bullied boy who threw his much lighter bully to the ground, talked about how bad the bullying had been affecting him, including contemplating suicide. When the interviewer asked him what saved him, he said "my sister."

Unfortunately, bullying prevention can't prevent all bullying but if a child has anyone in their life that makes them feel safe and important, then the bullying will have less of an impact.

Sibling issues are hard but it's also part of early prevention. If we compliment our children when they're good to each other, perhaps they will continue to value that role.

In a recent post about PACER, it was mentioned that the organization was invited to the White House Summit on Bullying Prevention. One of the PACER parent advocates, Lynn Miland, was asked to attend with her two girls. Kelly is 19 and on the autism spectrum and was bullied a lot in school. Her 16-year old sister, Maggie, is a junior in high school and is obviously an advocate. They both deserved to be invited to the WH. It represented the power of family.

This is what they had to say about the summit:

Kelly: It was so amazing you had to be there to believe it!! The President wants to prevent bullying in any way, shape or form. It will definitely make a big difference in this world. If you want to make a difference, then you need to hear about what people like me have gone through. We don't want any more kids to take their lives because of bullying.

Maggie: People think that bullying is a normal part of growing up, however I know that isn't true. I am thankful that President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama agree. I am confident that we have only seen the beginning of the fight to end bullying and the rest will come as more people become aware and involved.

Siblings can also watch each other's backs online. If we teach our children to look out for each other, it's amazing what they can accomplish-- and we can't. Older responsible siblings may have a bigger impact on teaching the younger ones the rules of the online road -- and we may never know about it. Were you ever the brother or sister who had to warn a sib about drinking? Were you ever the sibling that stopped a rumor about your brother or sister...or told them to stay away from a certain crowd...or were you ever a sibling that benefitted from a kind word when you were feeling like a loser?

Things haven't changed all that much. Blood is still thicker than water. A good sibling can be a lifesaver.

Brother, We're Too Young For Facebook!

2011-03-31T11:55:00.020-04:00

Kids are asking to be on Facebook younger and younger these days. Although some people think these twin babies are talking about the cobra escaping from the Bronx Zoo, I think it's about Facebook. It may sound far-fetched but I also think parents letting their nine year-olds have a Facebook account is far-fetched -- and it's happening.

Hello, people. The minimum age for Facebook is 13 thanks to COPPA, the children's privacy act. And in my opinion, 13 is still too young. Can 13 year-olds really handle it when a "friend" online doesn't act like a friend?

Newsflash. Kids are not only going on too young but they're creating multiple accounts so no one can look over their shoulder. This falls into the same category as when your teen says "I promise, I'm at the library" or "I'm not going to drink at all at that party, but don't wait up for me because I'm going to spend the night at a friend's."

(Just so you know, I love kids and I don't think they're all sneaky but we have to get real.)

Anti-social media you ask? Not at all. I actually think it's really cool and can help a child feel connected to others but it has to be age-appropriate.

This brings me to Yoursphere.

Since I'm told by it's founder, Mary Kay Hoal, that 87% of the kids on Yoursphere find it themselves, your kids may already know about it. When I heard that Mary Kay, a mother of 5, took matters into her own hands and built a safe social media site strictly for kids -- as young as 5 but not older than 17 -- I had to check it out for myself. (Note: The average age of the kids on Yoursphere is 11 or 12.)

Once I did, I had to agree with the bottom line in a recent PC Magazine review:

Bottom Line
If you're looking for a kid-centered social network that has all the features of a Swiss Army Knife but none of the sharp edges, make Yoursphere your choice.

So before you get worn down by your 10 year-old begging you to go on Facebook because "everybody is," check out Yoursphere. By creating "spheres" of interest, kids get to pursue their hobbies and learn how to interact with others in a safer way than social media sites meant for adults. (Note: I say safer because there is no guarantee that kids won't trip over something that another child has said that is not age-appropriate, but the folks at Yoursphere have gone the extra mile to make it as safe as possible. When I went through it, I felt it was fun and respectful. As parents, though, we need to be going online with our young kids when we can and of course, keep the computer in a public area in the house.)

By the way, you'll thank me for telling you about Yoursphere for Parents. Fantastic resource that helps keep parents up to date on the pros and cons of the online world.

It doesn't do the site justice to say that it's like having training wheels, but it's the training wheels I think kids AND adults need. Kids have to learn how to navigate and build judgment and parents need a tool to help them start to build that judgment. Online safety is a little about technology and a lot about maturity.

So one of the twins is right, "Brother, are you crazy? We're babies. Facebook will make us cry."

Bullying: This Video Needs No Explanation

2011-03-26T11:21:00.012-04:00

This video doesn't need explanation but it does need action. Let's fix the disconnects here. How did we get to be a country that accepts such meanness in our children and for that matter, in ourselves?

Here's an idea. Teach them when they're young.

As part of a pilot leadership (bullying prevention) mentoring program in a local school, the seventh and eighth grade kids play word games with 3rd and 2nd graders. The goal of the game, created by one of the school's dedicated parents, is to introduce words like leadership, kindness, and generosity. The point is to make sure that all the kids know that these aren't just words. They're actions. The older kids are instructed to compliment their young partners when they seem to get the concept of friendship and respect. This is a long process, but the idea is to set help set the tone from as early as Pre-K about the school's expectation: Not everyone has to be your friend but everyone IS expected to treat others well at school. This includes on the bus, in the cafeteria, schoolyard, hallways, and even the bathrooms.

Even after setting this expectation in multiple ways, bullying will still happen, especially from 6th through 8th grade, but it won't be quite as acceptable. Kids may feel more comfortable about getting help if they know that adults in the building care and steps will be taken to make it stop.

When parents create this same type of expectation at home, as well, we all benefit. Here's a hopeful story to demonstrate this point. One of the volunteer moms, Cathy, told me that she was already starting to see some mean behavior bubble up in her daughter's fourth grade class. She and her husband sat their fourth grade daughter down and spelled out their expectation: she is to treat others the way she wants to be treated. Mean behavior would absolutely not be tolerated.

Recently, Cathy overheard her daughter talking to a friend on the phone. She was telling her friend that she wasn't going to participate in gossip about another classmate. She said that she didn't feel that what was being said was true and the other girl didn't deserve it.

Cathy walked past her daughter's room, asked her if everything was OK, and then gave her two thumbs up. Her little girl was caught in the act of stepping up and later, Cathy made a point to tell her how much she admired how she handled it.

If this was an Olympic event, Cathy should get a gold medal. She set an expectation and stuck to her guns. Then when her nine-year old rose to the occasion, she recognized it and gave her daughter a chance to feel proud and empowered. Her daughter is now part of the solution and not part of the problem. A great step in changing the balance in the classroom.

Young kids want to make adults proud at home, in school, on the field, in band practice or anywhere they get an adult's attention. Now let's set clear expectations and watch them rise.

What We Can Learn From PACER: A Great Bullying Prevention Resource

2011-03-23T11:06:00.032-04:00

I love the midwest. I've lived in New York for 35 years but I'm still a midwesterner at heart...and the PACER Center, a national organization based in Minnesota, is just one more reason to love it. Who knew that one of the most successful organizations in the bullying prevention field is rooted in one of the most successful resources for families with children with disabilities?

PACER doesn't talk about the problem. They step up.

I learned about PACER when I was researching the National Bullying Prevention Month last fall. As I followed the trail to the organizers of this campaign, it turned out to be PACER.

I had to ask them the obvious question and Julie Hertzog, director of PACER's National Center for Bullying Prevention, explained:

Why did PACER become involved in the bullying issue and how does it tie in with your original mission of being a resource for parents of children with disabilities?
Around ten years ago, PACER began receiving more and more calls around the bullying of children with disabilities. The stories were very sad, heartbreaking. When we found that statistically children with disabilities were considerably more subject to bullying than their peers, we knew that we needed to take action around education and awareness.

Who would you consider to be your most important audience and how do you reach them?
The students themselves are the key, as they are the ones experiencing the bullying, they know the social hierarchies and dynamics, involving them in the solution is critical - but, they can't do this alone, bullying prevention is everyone's responsibility, students need to know that they are supported by adults and teachers, that there is an infrastructure in place through legislation, policy, and education. They can't do it alone.

We reach them through KidsAgainstBullying.org and TeensAgainstBullying.org which are sites designed for the specific audience – information is presented in a way that is relevant to kids.

PACER was recently invited to the White House Bullying Prevention Summit. Isn't that amazing? Ten years ago, PACER got involved in the bullying issue because it was "heartbreaking" and needed to be addressed. Ten years ago, bullying wasn't in the national news. They weren't responding to the bullying issue for any type of attention. PACER stepped up because in their journey to help kids with disabilities, they realized that bullying was diminishing the lives of kids in all types of circumstances. Once again, families with kids with disabilities, have inspired change and are teaching all families a thing or two.

If your child or teen is being mistreated, encourage them to visit the Kids Against Bullying or the Teens Against Bullying websites. In addition to good information, young stars Demi Lovato and most recently, MICHAEL and MARISA are adding their voices to help PACER reach kids by getting the point across that "we all are the same."

They're right. No one can do it alone. Thanks, PACER.

The Bully Project

2011-03-19T14:29:00.008-04:00

I defy you to look at this trailer for The Bully Project and not understand that our kids are suffering.

Sometimes it's hard to walk into a classroom and be able to identify who, along with their backpack, is carrying this heartache around with them.

Is it necessary? I really don't think so and if you don't think so, either, consider making a donation to this film. I'm thrilled that the White House hosted a bullying summit. I have confidence that good things will come from that meeting...but I think this documentary will make the biggest positive impact to date. FYI: The Bully Project will be featured at the Tribeca Film Festival on April 23rd.

We need to untangle more strings faster because at the core of this tangled ball mess of an issue, is the heart of a child. We can either stand by and watch it break or we can step in and make sure it remains whole.

Safety in Numbers: Parents and Schools Working Together in Bullying Prevention

2011-03-15T12:24:00.007-04:00

Recently, my cousin was telling me about her sixth grade son, Tom, who was being excluded. It seemed to start all of a sudden. A big group of "friends" started to go to Wendy's after school but would make a big point that he wasn't included. I don't have to tell you what that does to not only the child, but the parent. It's so confusing and hurtful. Not only were the kids friends up until now, the parents had always been friends, too.

This is a tough one. Anger is the first reaction. It's incredibly hard to not want to dismember 12 year-olds but my cousin held it together (for the most part -- of course, she couldn't help but give the smug kids the "hairy eyeball" when she dropped him off to school.)

She kept it to herself except to tell a few trusted family members until one day when another mother noticed her change in attitude. She was not as friendly as she usually is to the other moms and a bit sad and frustrated. When the other mom asked my cousin if there was anything wrong, she calmly explained that she was disappointed in the class and explained the facts. (This is an important detail -- stick to the facts.) Of course, she cried a little bit but that's to be expected.

Guess what? It's one of the few times that the other parent did EXACTLY the right thing. It dawned on her that her own son, Conor, was one of the "bullies" and had to be corrected. She corrected her son without making a big deal out of it and made sure he included everyone the next time they got together as a group. It didn't end there, though. The other kids then excluded the TWO of them. Shocked, Conor confronted the group as they sat in a Subway restaurant. Their excuse -- there's not enough seats. Totally untrue.

Next step? One of the popular eighth graders saw this whole thing unfold and invited Tom and Conor to join him and his friends at a pizza parlor.

The eighth grader went home and told his mom what had happened. She encouraged the other moms to talk to their kids and it hasn't happened since. They all gather after school and go to a local fast food restaurant. They may not all be best friends, but they all feel included.

The moral of this story: When parents ban together to do the right thing and in the right way, kids do the right thing... and cool eighth graders should be cloned.

After the White House Summit on Bullying last week, the PTA announced new materials that parents can use to help their schools diminish the incidences of all types of bullying.

Parents are absolutely key. Hopefully, these materials will be a helpful FREE Resource for parent groups who want to step in.

White House Summit on Bullying: What Can We Do?

2011-03-11T09:23:00.016-05:00

In President Obama's opening remarks at the White House Summit on Bullying, he said, "No child should feel that alone." That just about sums up why I'm involved.

In the closing remarks after all the true but tragic stories, the overwhelming statistics and expert advice had been shared, the audience was asked to ask themselves, "What more can I do?"

In answer to that question, I want to share with you what others are doing in the field of bullying prevention and online safety and who are dedicated to providing real help...but first, I want to share a couple of things I personally took away from the conference.

This is such a huge issue but I constantly come back to three things that I think are critical in making a positive impact:

• Early Prevention

Bottom Line: If we start very young -- PreK and up -- and create the expectation of respect, we have a shot at changing the balance when they get older.

• Parenting

Bottom Line: Parents are where it's at. Kids need to be prepared at home for social interactions. Parents can acknowledge and encourage their children when they treat others well and correct them when they don't.

• Bystander (or Upstander):

Bottom Line: When you think about it, the bystander is everyone. Compassion and leadership skills can be taught and we can teach kids how to step up for others in ways that are comfortable to them. (If you ask kids, they know that their peers make the biggest difference.)

If you want to start somewhere, there are so many resources. Stopbullying.gov was announced yesterday and there are others listed to the right. Not every community, school or home is the same so tailoring campaigns or materials to fit your needs is really important. In my community, I, along with the support of the principal and the help of other interested parents, started the Be the One mentoring campaign because it suited the needs of the school and it appealed to both the adults and the age span of the children. I also wanted it to be fun which is very key to holding the kids' attention (and mine, too!) It has created an infrastructure that allows parents and teachers to introduce curriculum they come across and activities that promote friendship and respect. As a matter of fact, next Tuesday, we'll be using some of the tools from Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Center. (I'll be posting more about their fabulous work next week.)

Best Advice from the Summit: My favorite was expert Rosalind Wiseman's advice to any adult on what to say when a child comes to them about being bullied:

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me. I'll stand by you.

"What more can I do?" We can all help by sharing ideas and keeping the conversation going. Let me know what you're doing and I'd be happy to share it with others.

When Young Kids Feel the True Meaning of Power: The Anti-Bully

2011-03-07T12:33:00.025-05:00

You don't have to be "powerful" to stand up. Standing up will change you, change the world, and may even change the bully.

Rick Ackerly, education expert and author of The Genius in Children, offered the above comment on a recent Tangled Ball post regarding Jennifer Aniston's upstander moment.

I'm so grateful that he did because it really got me thinking about that word "powerful." As anyone knows who reads this blog, I use the book ONE, by Kathryn Otoshi as the foundation for a mentoring campaign for K-8 schools. Although technically a children's book, ONE demonstrates that some children seem to naturally know how to step up but others need to be shown. In other words, it's a teachable skill. Sometimes it's taught by an adult but my guess is that more often it's taught by example and by a peer.

Among the many reasons I love this book is that it so beautifully and simply changes the perception that only a few kids in a class are "powerful." Popularity, charisma, physical strength or aggression are not the only sources of power. Each child, if trained to step up in a way comfortable for them individually, can become empowered. When you see it in action, empowerment is no longer a buzz word. It's a joy watching kids become very comfortable in their own skin. They seem less self-conscious, more relaxed and quicker to appreciate their own voice.

His comment made me feel hopeful. Since I'm a big fan of hope in general, I reached out to "Mr. Rick," as he's known to students, to ask the following question:

When it comes to elementary school-aged children, what's your definition of 'powerful'?

My definition of a powerful elementary school child is the same as for all people, i.e someone who is skilled at defining themselves creatively, effectively and gracefully in the world. Since people are defined not only as unique entities but also by their relationships, this self-definition has everything to do with our relationships with others. Since the world is ever-changing, it is a never ending, dynamic process.

A powerful kindergartner is one who comes into the room, ready for the next challenge that their teacher or classmates dish out, someone who will see a project and make it her own whatever the given constraints. One of my favorite Ken Robinson stories is of the kindergartner who is drawing madly at his desk when the teacher comes by and says: “What are you drawing?”
K: “A picture of God.”
T: “But no one has ever seen God.”
K: “They will in a minute.”

This kindergartner is powerful. Following our genius to become our character is the everyday challenge of life from conception to death. It is also the purpose of education. Powerful people take responsibility for their relationships (100%-0, not 50-50), strive to harmonize their desires with those of others, and come across as comfortable in their own skin. For most of my career I have acted as if all people can be powerful like this and have pretty good anecdotal evidence that it’s true.

That's what I like to hear! "All people can be powerful like this." They just might need some help starting in Kindergarten.

In future posts, I'll let you know what Rick said about defining a child as a "bully" or "victim." Hint: It doesn't work so well when you're trying to nurture empowerment.

Geotagging Is One More Reason To Know What Kind of Technology is in Your Children's Hands

2011-03-04T14:52:00.009-05:00

Geotagging! Obviously, this has nothing to do with my regular topic of bullying or cyberbullying but it has everything to do with online safety.

It's something we have to be aware of when we give children cell phones. To be honest, I worry that we, as parents, don't know enough about the technology in our hands and/or in the hands of our kids. Sometimes when I talk to parents about online safety, I get that deer in the headlights look as if to say "this is too much to figure out. When it comes to cell phones, computers and social networking, I just have to hope for the best."

I must admit that I've been one of those parents. Even when I read about geotagging in the NY Times, I thought, "Oh no, not ONE more thing to worry about. Do I really have to worry about this today?"

It's Friday, so I promised myself that sometime over the weekend -- maybe over pancakes -- I'm going to make a game out of figuring out how to turn off the app. If there isn't a way, then the carrier has to be called or visited. This is only slightly better than getting a root canal but it's somehow going to be better in the end. At the very least, it will make me feel like less of a chump for having some big wig tech exec take away one more aspect of our privacy. (By the way, have you ever noticed how tv producers and tech people make decisions like there are no children on the planet?)

Pass the syrup and the phone.

Don't Let Anyone Call You Stupid: A Lesson in Bullying Prevention from Michael Angelakos and P.S. 22

2011-02-28T08:43:00.005-05:00

(If you saw the Oscars last night, you'll understand why I am re-posting this story about the boy from P.S. 22 who needed a kind word and a little reinforcement from a compassionate adult. The adult who paid attention just happened to be Passon Pit's lead singer Michael Angelakos. This little boy is probably now in middle school but hopefully Michael's words will stick with him throughout life. And just as a side note, I was proud of the Academy for including Staten Island's pride and joy!)

Experts agree that the role of the "bystander" is key in blunting the affects of bullying. The Center for Social and Emotional Education and other experts in the field refer to the key role of the bystander as the upstander, to indicate that standing "by" is not helpful...but standing "up" can make all the difference.

You could just be minding your own business and WHAM, there's a need to step up and support someone who is being mistreated. In that moment, a decision has to be made. Do I step in to the problem or do I just let that person/child fend for themselves? Do I care enough to lend a sympathetic ear, or tell the bully to "stop," or get additional help... or do I just stand by?

During this recording with the chorus from P.S. 22, Michael Angelakos, lead singer of the award-winning band Passion Pit, proved he is an UPSTANDER. In under 30 seconds, he could have possibly changed this lucky child's life.

Do we have to be a celebrity to be an upstander? No way. In that moment and in that child's eyes, it's extremely likely that Angelakos was just a person saying the right thing at the right time.

So to every upstander out there, ROCK ON.

Jennifer Aniston Proves that It Takes Seconds to Stop a Bully

2011-02-19T17:47:00.011-05:00

Dr. Michele Borba, a renowned parenting expert, speaker and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, recently outlined her list of 6 Teachable Skills to Stop a Bully. In it she describes a study that indicates that when a bystander (or better yet, upstander) steps in to confront a bully, in over half the incidences, the bullying stops in 10 seconds. Imagine that. 10 seconds.

Recently, a megastar proved that point. Although this is fairly old news in the world of celebrityhood, apparently Jennifer Aniston stepped up to ask Perez Hilton to stop saying nasty things. Very, very tricky. It could have gone very well or very badly. What if Jennifer approached him and he used it against her? There are no rules when you make your dough dishing the dirt. But apparently the self proclaimed "Queen of Media" took it like a man and has promised to tone it down a bit. Risky for him as well, because being mean has been part of his schtick and even poor Perez has to eat at 5 star restaurants. (Not sure I still trust the guy but I have to give him credit for listening.)

This may be old star watching news but it deserves to be discussed a little more. What if we can train kids from young ages to step up? That's what I'd like to accomplish in one school with a mentoring program called Be the One, based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One. It's important to give kids skills to help stop bullying situations in ways comfortable for them -- directly confronting the bully, getting an adult to help, not participating or laughing when someone is being mistreated, using humor, showing compassion, etc.

This recent article in the New York Times describes how often bullying happens within the popular crowd. Anyone who's involved in a school knows that there's a lot of truth to that...and it makes stepping in even harder. It makes me think that this training has to start early -- kindergarten on up -- before kids get too sucked into cliques.

So Jennifer is an upstander. A well paid, well publicized, glamorous super star... UPSTANDER!.

More on How Young is Too Young On Facebook: Michelle Obama Weighs In

2011-02-12T11:44:00.013-05:00

Why Is 10, 11 or 12 too young to be on Facebook?

Isn't it obvious? It's not about giving our kids permission to do something that all of their "friends" are doing, it's giving them permission to do something that may be hurtful. I'll agree, that some kids may never experience a problem but you wouldn't give them a glass of beer and say, "Well there's a good chance they'll never be alcoholics." I know this sounds extreme but it's really not.

The one statistic that blows my mind is that 84% of kids that are bullied online don't tell an adult. That means that unless you supervise like a hawk (and not many parents have the time for that), you may not know it when something has been said to hurt them...or if they've said something that might hurt another. The damage is done in seconds. Kids have a hard enough time in middle school navigating the ever changing landscape of friendship. It is sophisticated stuff to do this online.

Do such young kids need it? No. And if your answer is yes because a.) everyone in their class has it and he/she feels left out than I have a suggestion. It might be a good idea to talk to the other parents and decide together that at least some of you won't let them. Of if b.) my child is shy and has a hard time making friends and this makes it easier for them, I understand because shyness is painful -- but this may not be the solution. The old-fashioned way of helping them make one or two friends outside of school might be a safer, more long-lasting way to go.

What's the risk? Check out Ryan Halligan's story...or Phoebe Prince...or the many other tragic suicides of kids who were being hurt online and couldn't take it anymore.

In all honesty, I think 13 is too young, too. And something I really don't understand is why as parents do we give ourselves one more thing to worry about? My youngest son didn't go on Facebook until he was almost 17. It was his decision. He's a social guy and has a lot of friends but for some reason he didn't want it. It got to the point that he felt like he was missing out on knowing about events, parties, things going on in general so he now has an account. He's happy with it and it's added something to his life. I'm not anti-Facebook but I'm very grateful for the many nights of peaceful sleep I got because I wasn't worried about his online life. I know I'm lucky because he wasn't badgering me for it but I know what that's like, too. I have four kids and know how hard it is to say no.

Not that it counts for much, but if you do say no, you have a fan in me. I would be happy to hear from you and if I had the money, I'd throw you a parade or send you to DisneyWorld. At least there, you could let your kids just be kids.

Dear Parents, Why Do You Let Your Young Kids Have Facebook Accounts?

2011-02-09T15:22:00.011-05:00

After witnessing what is happening to so many kids online, I wanted to write a really preachy post about not allowing young kids to go on Facebook. Instead, I would like a parent to enlighten me on why they think it's ok.

I've had a really bad couple of days, including not sleeping, because I've become aware of "nice" kids being totally cruel online. The kids I'm referring to are 12. The minimum age for Facebook is 13. In my opinion that's way too young, too, but letting kids under the age of 13 have an account is telling them to lie.

I know all the excuses. "My child wore me down. EVERYONE is on Facebook. He/She is a nice kid and can handle it. He/She has nice friends. It's cute."

Parents, get your head out of the sand. When you finish reading this post, go "friend" your child or somehow get access to their account and check it out. You may not like what you see. If you don't like what you see, make it a teachable moment. Kids need to be supervised online. That's the bottom line.

Cyberbullying is NOT about technology. It's about building judgment. If you see stuff you don't like, take it down and don't let them go back until you feel they have the maturity to handle social networking. I know what you may be thinking. "They may just go over to a friends house and go online. They'll be impossible to live with. I feel so bad for them because they're the ONLY kid in 7th grade that's not on it."

If you don't think it's a problem, you haven't been looking hard enough. And if it's not a problem today, it may be one tomorrow. Kids do not know how to handle tough social situations in writing. They don't know enough to stop before they click.

My analogy is that internet safety is like building a pool in your back yard. You build it because it's fun but you wouldn't let kids use it unless you give them swimming lessons, have them wear flotation devices if they don't swim, have rules, buy an alarm and build a fence around it. Same thing with the internet.

Although I said I didn't want to write a preachy post, I just did. Couldn't help it. What I saw this week is a recipe for ruining childhoods.

I started with a question and I'll end with a question. Parents, why would you let your kids drown?

What Happens? A Girl's Heartfelt Question About Bullying

2011-01-31T12:33:00.016-05:00

This original poem was read as part of a presentation on bullying prevention at St. John's University. When I told the presenter, Ariel, how much I liked the poem, she introduced me to the author, Alexandra, her twin sister. Alexandra told me that she changed the ending after having a discussion with her mom. (Look for the explanation below.) After knowing the full story, I was even more impressed. Alexandra is a talented girl who wrote the poem; Ariel is a supportive sister who shared it in her class; and Denise is an awesome mom whose interest in her child turned a hopeless ending into one of inspiration.

What happens when you reach and no one is there
what happens when everyone's expectations are unfair

what happens when all you face is disappointment
what happens when you're the one they're annoyed with

what happens when you can't understand why
what happens when no one can hear you cry

what happens when you're just a kid
what happens when you can't figure out what you possibly did

what happens when your love isn't reciprocated
what happens when you wake up to hatred

what happens when you realize you're not free
what happens when you're prone to just flee

what happens when they control your every move
what happens when sadness is a permanent mood

what happens when you want to just go away
what happens when no one wants you to stay

what happens when you finally give in
what happens when you don't care if they win

what happens when now it's too late
what happens when their remorse is fake

what happens when this is a continuation
what happens when it's all over our nation

what happens when we realize lives are on the line
what happens when we start to fight bullying, one at a time...change happens

What was the original title and ending?
They Win.

What happens when you finally give in, I'll tell you what happens, They Win.

Alexandra explained, " I decided to change the ending because my mother had challenged me when I read it aloud to her. She asked,

Well do you think their biggest concern at that point is winning or losing? These people are on the peak of suicide and I'm not sure someone would even think about who's winning. It’s not about that. It's not a game

... I really liked when she went back at me and questioned me because I think perhaps while writing that last sentence I was no longer expressing my initial reason for doing it, my initial passion. Although it was an effective ending punch line I wasn’t trying to express that people who take their life are weak and letting everyone win. I was writing it purely to show the harsh and sometimes fatal reality of bullying. I was writing to show the struggle of a victim. Often with bullies it's about them, they take out how they feel on others. Bullies probably don't wonder if that person had a bad day or maybe that kid might be going through something within their life. If I were to keep the 'They Win' ending, it would leave the lasting thought about the bully and that was not my intention."

When asked why she thought it was important to challenge her daughter and take an interest in the poem, Alexandra's mom explained it this way:

I feel it’s very important for me to take an interest in my daughter’s poetry because as a mother my role is to encourage my children in all that they do, and all that they are interested in. As far as the topic of bullying as sad as it is I think many people ignore it and hope it will 'go away'. For Alexandra to write such a powerful and moving poem acknowledging the issue is amazing. I think many parents struggle with getting their children to open up to them. I consider myself lucky that my daughter wants to express her opinions and feelings and I would be foolish not to encourage and support that. I also feel many children’s talents are suppressed in school alone (by bullies) but also not fueled correctly by caretakers within the home. Negligence of any talent is a shame. It’s sad that some amazing writers, singers etc. go unnoticed and never have the chance to flourish.

Wow. We can all learn something from the poem...and a mother's interest.

Mrs. Behrens, Goldie Hawn and The Optimistic Classroom

2011-01-24T17:00:00.028-05:00

Mrs. Behrens is probably 110 years old now but wherever she is, God Bless her. She was my third grade teacher and she introduced my class to mindful education. But Mrs. Behrens didn't know it.

I just spent a weekend at a MindUP Curriculum workshop, a collaboration between The Hawn Foundation (as in Goldie!) and Scholastic. The concept behind MindUP is a bit revolutionary. It's goal is to introduce more joy of learning in the classroom. Joy in the classroom? Is that allowed?

All kidding aside, I was fascinated and inspired by the presentations by impressive experts, including social scientists, neuroscientists and educators. Over the course of the two days, I learned more about my brain and was thrilled to find out that it doesn't look exactly like my Tangled Ball logo. Not at all. It's probably fairly ordered like everyone else's. It has a compartment that reacts to fear and novelty, it has a fairly big part that stores info, it has a part that makes me aware when I've had one glass of wine too many, and it even has a filter.

It was explained in a way that a first grader could understand (except for the bit about the wine) and that's the point. The more kids know about how their brain works, the more they understand themselves and can adapt to different situations and to each other.

Less stress. As a matter of fact, the exercises that teachers introduce in the classroom through this program include stopping to mindfully breathe several times a day to relax the students, help them push away the clutter, find a little peace and help them become aware of the moment.

This brings me back to good ol' Mrs. Behrens. I went to Notre Dame Elementary School in Long Beach, Indiana. It was absolutely wonderful but I can't say that in the 1960's it was very progressive. There was a lot of discipline and memorizing and general fear when you didn't do your homework, but Mrs. Behrens' class was safe. She would have us stand up and stretch every once in a while. She would encourage us to look out the window. She would speak in such a way that you felt that she liked you. And my absolutely favorite thing she did was asking us to clean off the top of our desks, then take out a pen, pencil or crayons. In a soothing voice, she would instruct us to draw or write or just sit and think as she would turn on the record player and introduce Bach or Beethoven or some other amazing piece of music.

It was no wonder that we had such a nice class. That type of atmosphere nurtured inclusion, happiness, and understanding. (Not a lot of bullying went on that year.) It's funny because I always thought that I was an outstanding student in her class but when I found my old report cards, I really got average grades. She just made me feel extraordinary and I went on to get very good grades.

Introducing evidence-based curriculum like MindUP in the classroom makes so much sense to me. Positively changing how children approach the academic learning process as well as developing greater social and emotional intelligence will change school climates and the rewards of an Optimistic Classroom will last a lifetime.

Secret Bullying Prevention Weapon? Friendship.

2011-01-18T15:13:00.020-05:00

How to Make and Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges is a new book out by Massachusetts based founder of Social Smart Kids, Nadine Briggs and director of the Peter Pan Center, Donna Shea. The book is one of their many collaborations, including their recently announced Social Success in School, a bullying prevention training initiative for teachers and administrators. Social Success in School was developed in direct response to Massachusetts' new bullying law. If that wasn't enough, they're hosting a conference on March 5th: How To Make & Keep Friends: Partnering with Children for Social Success and in the summer they run a social skills camp together.

Bravo! With these seemingly separate projects, this dynamic expert duo (and obviously good friends) are aiming at the heart of the problem and coming up with solutions.

Let's talk about the book first. Friendship is the secret weapon. If we can connect with others, not much can keep us down. Friendships can carry us -- and our children -- through most situations, including bullying. According to the authors, "Parents care more about their kids making friends than their grades." I completely believe that and although many children have difficulty creating friendships for a variety of reasons, Nadine and Donna say it can be learned. They should know. They've been teaching it with success for years.

This gives me hope. It's heart-wrenching but common to see children having trouble socially. I'm thrilled that they've come up with a book that kids can read on their own with little but effective tips like instead of asking on the playground, "Can I play with you?" and possibly getting rejected, they can say, "I'd like to join in."

Sometimes having one friend can give a child, or anyone for that matter, the resiliency to get through life's curve balls. Teaching social skills is an admirable vocation. When I asked Donna and Nadine why they do what they do, they simply and powerfully said, "Every kid should have a friend." And when they say, every child, they mean every child, including kids with physical and emotional challenges.

Based on what they've learned, Nadine and Donna recently launched their school training program, Social Success in Schools, developed for grades K-6. Built upon the same premise that social aptitude creates a better school climate, the tools were designed to build empathy and tolerance.

Fascinated by their tagline, "dedicated to educating and supporting kids with social challenges," I asked them:

To date, what is the most satisfying part of your work?

We get a tremendous amount of satisfaction when we see one of our friends in a social skills group learn a new way of interacting with others. For example, when we hear them say “how about we…” when they would have previously said “you have to….”.

What's the most important thing parents can do to help their children have a friend and be a friend?

Schedule playdates. We understand that parents are busy with work, siblings, and life in general but the single most important thing that they can do is create social opportunity for their children. The second most important thing that a parent or educator can do is understand that children who are socially awkward need an adult partner to help them navigate social situations with patience and understanding.

I wish them luck with book sales, conferences, training programs and summer camp but mainly I thank them for stepping up and identifying one of the most important things in every single child's life: friendship.

Schools, Parents, Internet Safety and the New Year

2011-01-17T10:44:00.020-05:00

Internet Safety! Horrors! Where do we begin?

Recently, I noticed a few basic disconnects when it comes to elementary school-aged children and teaching Internet Safety basics. There's an information gap between school and home. Most schools now have a computer class. The computer teachers I spoke with talk about Internet Safety in class. But where is there a need to actually practice Internet Safety? In the home, of course. Who is the teacher in the home? The parent, of course.

Many parents are tech savvy but many more are not and it's created a generation gap of sorts. It may close as younger parents come up the ranks but in the meantime, it's a dangerous gap. Although it's a big scary subject, it can be manageable with the right tools and good basic information, especially if parents and schools communicate.

In preparation for a parent workshop, I came across this "one-stop shopping" resource: Net Cetera. Their downloadable tools are awesome and I also ordered the booklet for several schools to share with parents at workshops and to send home to parents who couldn't attend. It's not People Magazine but it's an easy read. It's free and I've been able to order 500 at a time.

Parenting is so crammed with things we should do: immunizations, reading, test scores, sports, hygiene, cleaning, play dates, haircuts, feeding, clothes buying, washing and folding. (Who am I kidding? The folding doesn't actually get done in my house but you get the drift.) Sometimes it's too much in a day to do but unfortunately, just like teaching our kids "stranger danger," Internet Safety is on the "must do" list.

I've done a little work for you. Here's a sample letter that can be sent home from school with the Net Cetera booklet and bookmark. It can be signed by the principal, assistant principal, computer teacher or PTA President. It's a start to closing the gap in a simple, effective way.

Dear Parent,

A brand new year is a good time to set priorities and to focus on all the good things we want to achieve for our children and ourselves.

In that spirit, we are sending home this booklet from Net Cetera, which is full of information and tips regarding online safety.
As your children get older, their dependence on technology for help with schoolwork and connecting with friends becomes stronger. In most cases, the Internet is a fantastic resource.

Realistically, though, we can’t be 100% comfortable with all it has to offer. For example, statistically, one out of four children are bullied online. There’s also the issue of “digital literacy,” predators and privacy issues. In other words, you can’t believe everything you read – or trust everyone you meet -- on the Internet. Our children will be safer and happier if we take the time to be informed. Simple tips, such as where you place the computer or rules on cell phone usage, will help protect them and help you sleep better at night, too.

Students at (name of school) learn about Internet Safety issues in computer class. Since the majority of their computer and cell phone time is outside of the classroom, we want to ensure you have the proper information to reinforce these lessons at home.

We hope you find this booklet helpful. It doesn’t take long to read but it may save you hours of worry.

Sincerely,

(Principal, Parent Coordinator, PTA President, or Computer Teacher)

It's amazing what can come from one little letter bridging the most important teachers in a child's technology driven life.

Bullying and Plastic Surgery

2011-01-13T18:32:00.008-05:00

I'm not sure how I feel about this. How about you?

Years ago, my first reaction would be, "This is ridiculous. Kids should be happy with what God gave them. Blah. Blah. Blah." I thought that way until a friend opened my eyes several years ago. We worked in media together and we were watching a similar story about high school-age girls and plastic surgery. I was unaware that his sister had gotten a nose job when she was a sophomore. Thank goodness I didn't say what was on my mind. He said that people criticize girls who get nose jobs because they don't know what it's like to have a nose that people make fun of on a constant basis. In other words, walk a mile in her shoes before rushing to judgement.

It made me think. At that age, teens are very aware of the "pretty" factor. There's no way around it. Every tween and teen knows how important it is to look good -- or at least feel like you look good. Remember when getting a pimple could make you want to stay home?

The problem with this story is that I actually think both girls looked beautiful even before their surgeries. In these cases, is it bullying or is it feeling very sensitive about looking perfect?

I'd really like to know what you think.

The Pain of Bullying for Parents

2011-01-10T16:58:00.005-05:00

If you're reading this and you're a parent who's child is being bullied, I have one thing to say to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you're feeling the pain of feeling your child's pain. It's true heartache.

I was recently talking to a mom who is going through the devastation of watching her daughter be excluded. She was wondering if "exclusion" can be considered bullying. The answer: Yes.

In this case, her child had been slowly excluded from a group of friends that seemed fine until they got to sixth grade. Then it started. Not making room at the lunch table. Making it hard for her to join a game at recess. Laughing when she made even the smallest mistake in class. Then it became too obvious to ignore. A bunch of kids were going out for pizza after school. They made the plan right in front of her, didn't invite her and told her it was because the most popular among them, didn't want her to go. And what made it the hardest is that it was her birthday.

As a mom in these situations, we can feel rage. It's so difficult to see our children hurt, especially when we can't fix it right away. The frustration is horrible. In so many cases, the parents of the children responsible actually, in some way, contribute to it. They're happy that their child is popular. And these are parents that you thought you knew. It's so tricky because handling it correctly is a slippery slope. Ugh!

This post is not about answers. (Although here's a link with suggestions.) It's about sympathy. If your stomach is in a knot and you're confused and hurt, you're not alone. The statistics are that over 5 million kids are bullied each year. That means potentially 10 million parents are watching their kids suffer. Of course, not every parent suffers with their children but the good ones do to some degree. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that parents have to step up and solve everything for their kids but they do need to stand by them. Sometimes an interested parent is all a child has in their life and it's not easy.

It's lonely. It's painful. But hang in there. Stay cool. Be that child's best friend. I applaud you for having the guts to walk next to your child in their time of need. Although I probably don't know you personally, I understand that it's one of the most difficult parts of parenting. Your child is worthy of being included. Never forget that it's not about your child. It's about another's need to have power. Don't let that person, even if they're only eleven years old, have power over you, too.

Right now it doesn't seem like there's any silver lining...but this is a chance to show your child that they will always be worthy in your eyes. What a gift.

Progress in Cyberbullying Prevention: Go California!

2011-01-05T16:38:00.012-05:00

California has come up with a law that is simple and brilliant. Although it's a California law, every parent from coast to coast should know about it.

This law makes it a crime to set up an online account impersonating someone else for the purpose of causing harm. In other words, if someone pretends to be you -- or your child -- online and then starts spreading rumors or damaging information, they could go to jail.

Although the law is apparently only a paragraph, it has big potential to help. Up until now, there was very little someone could do if they were at the receiving end of harmful impersonation. That's hard enough for adults, but can you imagine being a teen and trying to cope with someone pretending to be you and then spreading poison?

I'm hoping that the remaining 49 states jump on board but it's key that California is the first. As Hemu Nigam, Internet Security Specialist, explains in the interview, most of the internet companies are based in California so there's a better chance that no matter where the internet crime happens, it could possibly be prosecuted. (If I understand this correctly, when information passes through servers based in California, technically it could be considered under the California law.)

This is going in the right direction to protect all of us, especially for "that kid at home." Come on New York, Indiana, Florida, Colorado.............................

A New Year Brings New Possibilities in Bullying Prevention

2011-01-03T16:33:00.014-05:00

Hopefully, more children won't have take their own lives in 2011 in order for us to remain vigilant about bullying prevention.

Three years ago after going to my first Family Online Safety Institute conference in D.C. and then the International Bullying Prevention Association meeting in Indianapolis, I came away with several thoughts:

• There should be one conference that discusses both: bullying offline and online. Kids see it as all one seamless community. For those being bullied in the schoolyard and then online, it's all one big heartache.

Good News: This year I noticed a shift. Experts are starting to talk about kid's online and offline lives as one life. It's a concept that's a little hard for adults to understand but is key for prevention.

• Bullying Prevention messages need to be mainstreamed to the general public. There are great experts doing fantastic work but not enough people know about the tools that are available. Are any of those tools the entire solution? Absolutely not. But if we can help a handful of kids in every school in America, we're talking about thousands.

Here's my pick of the day: Steps to Respect. Check out their materials. I believe in early prevention and also involving the entire school community, including teachers and parents, so I was impressed. Pre-K through elementary school is where it's at if we want to nip some of the abusive behavior in the bud.

In a recent study, researchers found that Steps to Respect helped lower incidences of bullying, such as gossip and spreading rumors by 72%.

According to the study:

When students' playground gossip was observed in the spring, children in the Steps to Respect classrooms had 234 fewer instances of gossip per class of 25, or a 72 percent decrease in gossip among students who had gossiped before participating in the anti-bullying program.

Even if it was half that percentage, it's worth a shot. (Anecdotally and surprisingly, spreading rumors is one of the top reasons given when I ask kids in fourth and fifth grades what bothers them most.)

I'd really like to hear from teachers and/or parents who've used the Steps to Respect materials. My goal is to share any and all tools and information that will make a difference.

Here's to a happy, healthy...and lighthearted 2011!

Teacher Training and Bullying Prevention

2010-12-29T14:31:00.004-05:00

Good teachers humble me and I love schools. Every once and a while, I think about going back to school to get a degree in education. Why haven't I followed through yet? Whenever I spend time just visiting a classroom, I go home and take a nap. I'm exhausted. I don't know how teachers do it.

Luckily there are other brave and passionate souls out there preparing to make teaching their career. Recently, I was interviewed by education major Nicholas Macula, a second year student at St. John's University on Staten Island for a group project on bullying. The presentations were an assignment given by professor Dr. Sandra Abrams for a required education course titled Human Relations in Inclusive Settings. That's an unusual course title so I had to ask Dr. Abrams what it meant:

Students in the School of Education at St. John’s University are required to enroll in Human Relations in Inclusive Settings in order to become well equipped with interpersonal communication and self-reflective tools that will enhance their teaching and learning experiences. As noted in the academic bulletin, this course involves collaborative and individual projects that help students not only understand the importance of parent and community involvement, but also develop an “appreciation of the values and cultures of English language learners.” The work students complete for this class helps them acquire strategies for improved communication and classroom practice, preparing students for dynamic, real-world scenarios.

When asked if I could write about this, St. John's graciously said yes under the condition that I include the following statement:
“The views expressed on the pages of this blog/web site DO NOT reflect, in any way, the opinions of St. John’s University, its administrators, faculty and staff.”

That being said, I do have to add that St. John's should be very proud of what I saw and heard -- a professor inspiring her students to think and students who were doing just that.

They shared great information regarding the definition of bullying, cyber bullying and exploring solutions but for this post, I’d like to share a few outstanding points that may be of interest to parents, especially since parent/school relationships are key.

• First and foremost, it's important for parents to know that these types of courses exist for teachers in training. Whether dealing with bullying issues is part of the exact job description of a teacher or not, it can be a part of the classroom experience. Being aware of it makes a teacher more prepared.

• Above and beyond academics, the role of the teacher can be very challenging.

As part of the assignment, one of the groups conducted an informal survey on campus and online. Only 14% of students surveyed who responded yes when asked if they had been bullied in primary and/or secondary school, told a teacher.

This is a statistic that now holds much more significance for the St. John's students as they prepare to be that teacher, especially given that most advice we give children is to "tell a trusted adult, such as a teacher or parent."

When Dr. Abrams asked her students why they thought 86% of those surveyed did not confide in a teacher, the general consensus was, based on their own recent memories of being in school, they didn't feel the teacher would do anything about it or the teacher's involvement may even cause more problems.

Aha! That's why courses like Human Relations in Inclusive Settings are so necessary. Within a few years, most of the St. John's students will hopefully have jobs in elementary, middle or high schools, but they're not waiting until then to start thinking about the teacher's role.

Dana, a senior who has already had some classroom teaching experience, suggested that there should be required workshops that include both teachers and counselors that discuss bullying specifically, just as there are other professional development workshops.

One thing became clear to me. Teachers are trained to teach and not to be social workers. But I love Dana's suggestion because in order to help teachers teach, we have to support them in handling difficult situations that impact the success of individual students and the class as a whole. Teachers need to feel prepared, even if it means learning what not to say or when to work with a counselor. Counselors are often not prepared themselves.

How do we help fix that disconnect? Putting teachers AND counselors in a room together and giving them both the same information and letting them share their knowledge sounds good to me. This will help build an infrastructure in the school to help pave the way for real help for kids who need it.

I'd like to thank Dr. Abrams and her students for caring. The future students of these future teachers will thank them, too.

What's Your Excuse for Not Having a Bullying Prevention Plan?

2010-12-19T09:22:00.014-05:00

Tangled Ball would like to clear up a few misconceptions for all elementary schools who are reluctant to step in when it comes to bullying prevention. (Prevention being the key word here -- meaning taking measures so something doesn't happen.)

This is what it isn't:

• It's not admitting that you have a problem.

• It's not taking away from "teaching" time.

• It doesn't have to hurt your budget.

• It doesn't have to be a "downer."

First, bullying happens at EVERY school and starts young. That is in no way blaming the school. Schools are full of people -- small and big -- who come with their own personalities and their own learned behavior. Bullying happens. No guilt necessary, unless, of course, you don't recognize this basic fact and step up to help dial it down.

There are countless of creative ways to introduce bullying prevention messages in core curriculum. If you want some suggestions, just email me at: thetangledball@gmail.com!

• There are great free resources out there for schools and parents.

• It can be empowering and fun and positive. As a matter of fact, when you start prevention campaigns as early as Pre-K and upwards through elementary, it better be somewhat fun or it won't stick.

So to all those great principals out there who put their own ego aside and say,

Heck, yea, this is a problem and I'm not going to sit by and pretend it doesn't happen. I'm going to at least try to send the message in school that everyone counts.

A toast to you! You're awesome and the kids in your care are lucky. (I have to give a shout out to Mrs. Theresa Signorile at Our Lady Queen of Peace on Staten Island. She's a great example of stepping up for her students. The smiling happy kids in the picture above are part of the OLQP Leadership Campaign. The Be the One project includes the entire school and it's focus is to create a partnership between upper and lower grades to teach respect. Respect is the anti-bully.)

If you're a parent reading this, assist your school by doing a little research and helping the administration and teachers organize and implement a bullying prevention plan. Schools can always use an assist.

PTO Today is a one of the good resources out there supporting the parent/school relationship. It's a win-win.

And if you're a parent or principal and you're reading this and rolling your eyeballs and saying, "This is delusional. None of these things are going to solve the problem." You're half right. The problem will probably never be solved per se, but it may improve, and if a handful of kids don't end up carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders because you made an effort, is it still worth it? I'll let you answer that yourself.

Kids, Bullying, and the Holidays

2010-12-12T19:38:00.008-05:00

This is a challenging holiday season for me and my family. It's been a season of loss. No matter what, loss makes you sad and there's no room for sad during the Christmas season.

When things are going well, the holidays make everything that much brighter. But when that's not the case, the holidays somehow make your lows feel lower.

Then I started thinking about how kids feel when they're being ridiculed or ostracized or physically pushed around. Are the holidays a needed diversion or are they hard? Isolating? Lonely?

When kids are happily buying gifts or making cards for their friends, do bullied children feel worse? When kids are getting together to go to the mall or go ice skating or caroling -- or whatever the traditions are for whatever religion you are -- or whatever region you live in -- do kids on the outside looking in, feel despondent?

I love the holidays but this holiday has made me more aware of kids who don't have the skills yet to understand that it's not their fault.

The point of this post is simply to say that during the holidays, perhaps we could give the gift of awareness, eye contact, interest, time, or just a kind word. Every child deserves the warmth of friendship.

It's too embarrassing for kids to admit that they're not happy during the holidays. Perhaps we can help lift that burden. Even if we can't fix their problem completely, we can remind them that there's still a reason to smile. Can compassion be wrapped? No, thank goodness. It's a gift that doesn't need tape and nice neat corners...but it does need an open heart and maybe a little glue.

Teaching Empathy and Bullying Prevention

2010-12-08T19:46:00.015-05:00

My last post talked about the elementary school "One for All" Leadership campaign. It's simple goal is to have older kids mentor younger children. It's not the whole answer by a long shot but it's one of the answers in creating a more positive school climate. Although the older grades are asked to teach the younger ones lessons in friendship and respect, the overriding lesson is compassion.

You can't talk about compassion. You have to demonstrate it. As the "buddies" get to know each other, they learn to listen to each other. Why is this so important? Because some types of bullying make kids feel invisible. No one should suffer with the feeling that they're not important enough to be seen.

Why do we need to teach young kids empathy?
According to an article in Time Magazine's August issue, How Not to Raise a Bully: The Early Roots of Empathy:

Increasingly, neuroscientists, psychologists and educators believe that bullying and other kinds of violence can indeed be reduced by encouraging empathy at an early age. Over the past decade, research in empathy — the ability to put ourselves in another person's shoes — has suggested that it is key, if not the key, to all human social interaction and morality.

Someone commented on the post that a leadership campaign is "good in theory" but there are "mean teachers and mean kids out there." I agree with three quarters of that comment. Meanness is the enemy and that's why this fight is worth it. If part of the answer is making sure that there is someone in the building that "sees" each child, it's worth a shot. Building compassion takes a lot of effort. It doesn't happen overnight but the benefits get passed along for generations. It's also fun and we could all use a little of that every day.

The most surprising part of seeing these partnerships in action? In the process of helping to build self confidence in the younger kids, sometimes it's the older kids that benefit the most. When a first grader looks up to them as an eighth grader, it doesn't matter if they're the most popular in the class or if they were just ignored at lunch. All that goes away at the moment when a 6 year-old thinks you're the coolest thing on earth.

Every School Has a Bullying Issue. So now what?

2010-12-05T16:29:00.019-05:00

Let me put it this way, it is highly unusual when a school doesn't have a bullying issue. The national statistic is about 30% of kids in schools say they've been bullied. After I conducted a survey in a local school (with 4th-8th graders, actually) it was, surprisingly, 30%. I say surprisingly because this is a well run school with "nice" kids.

What I thought was cool, is that the principal didn't hide from that number. She is a confident administrator who didn't get defensive. She said, "Well, then let's do something about it." My hero!

The challenge was two-fold. It's not just the "what," it's the "how" on a limited budget.

What are the goals?

• to focus on early prevention

• to engage all students in the building

• to make it positive and to empowering

• to engage teachers

• to engage parents

• to make it sustainable

• to build a foundation for growth

• to promote friendship and respect

• to provide multiple opportunities to repeat positive messages

• to make it fun and effective

Was it possible to accomplish some of these goals...with very little money?

Impossible!...until One came along.

The book is ageless and beautiful. It's message of standing up for one another resonates with children of all ages and adults. With One as the foundation, we built a One for All Leadership Campaign where the upper grades mentor the younger children by reading and working on activities with their "buddies."

Although Ms. Otoshi is extremely busy and lives across the country, she kindly designed a t-shirt for the partners to wear when they get together to talk about what it's like to Be the One. They're a team.

I highly recommend this approach. It's about prevention for the little ones and it's a teachable moment (literally) for the older students, who are quickly becoming fantastic mentors.

It's sustainable because there are other books, too, that are great tools. Kathryn has even come out with a sequel called Zero.

Obviously, it's not the whole answer. Training for the administration, teachers and parents is key and still has to happen...but it's a start. And starting somewhere is much better than standing still. One string at a time.

By the way, money for training and programs should not be the stumbling block. Organizations like National School Climate Center and Pacer have FREE training tools. But If states are passing bullying prevention laws that require training -- New Jersey being one -- hopefully, money will be attached. Parochial and private schools need training money, too. I'm just saying...

Taking Action in Bullying Prevention

2010-12-02T11:24:00.022-05:00

More people are getting involved in the bullying issue. Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, even celebrities are stepping up to tell us how they really feel about the whole culture of mean. Listen. Whatever works. Bullying is such a messed up and difficult problem to tackle that I personally applaud anyone who tries to untangle one string at a time.

It's always compelling to see "stars" speak from the heart and it's really helpful for awareness. Go Ellen, Madonna, Jaden, Greyson, Tracy Morgan...

It's even better if we're prepared for solutions. Multiple solutions.

The National School Climate Center provides free bully prevention resources, classroom activities, and supports to schools and students-in-need through their national BullyBust campaign. I asked the center's co-founder, Dr. Jonathon Cohen, the following question:

Is it possible to actually improve school climate?

Yes! Educators, parents and students can learn and work together in ways that actually make schools significantly safer, more supportive, engaging and helpfully challenging. And, when they do so, academic achieving increases, student dropout rates and teacher retention rates increases. However, improving school climate is – necessarily – a multi-year effort that needs to be a central goal for the whole school community.

As we have recently detailed in ‘School climate reform: Mobilizing and supporting the whole village to support student learning and positive youth development (Cohen, J.[2010] in Principal Leadership, September) there are five important lessons that we have learned that support effective and sustained school climate improvement efforts:

Lesson #1: Principal as leader: School climate improvement efforts need to be fully supported and led by the principal.

Lesson #2: How to measure school climate? School climate data provides the “anchor” as well as direction for school climate improvement efforts and the actualization of the school climate standards. It is important that school use a school climate survey, like the Comprehensive School Climate Inventory (http://www.schoolclimate.org/programs/csci.php) that is valid and reliable; recognize student, parent/guardians and school personnel “voice”; and assess all of the major areas of school climate (safety, relationships, teaching and learning and the environment).

Lesson #3: On the value of school climate improvement road maps: The vast majority of principals recognize that school climate matters. However, we discovered that many principals are not sure how to best support effective school climate improvement efforts that build on past successes and challenges. School climate improvement ‘road maps’ that included specific tasks and challenges that shape each of the five stages of the school climate improvement process provide an essential foundation for change.

Lesson #4: Creating school policies that support safe, engaging, healthy and helpfully challenging schools: Educational research should shape policy, which in turn dictates practice. When schools adopt or adapt the National School Climate Standards (www.schoolclimate.org/climate/standards.php) they are setting a social, emotional and civic as well as intellectual or ‘academic’ bar that schools must strive for.

Lesson #5: Educational practice that support the whole child: School leaders face an almost impossible task. It is an admirable – and essential – goal that no child be left behind. But to insure this we must understand and address a myriad of needs and barriers to learning.

Pass this info on to your schools and check out their resources. Now that we know better, we can do better.

Bullying and the Brain

2010-11-30T17:34:00.008-05:00

This week's Boston Globe article, "Inside the Bullied Brain" is riveting. Although many people don't consider bullying dangerous and are of the opinion that it's actually a normal part of childhood or a "right of passage," this article comes to a completely different conclusion:

A new wave of research into bullying’s effects, however, is now suggesting something more than that — that in fact, bullying can leave an indelible imprint on a teen’s brain at a time when it is still growing and developing. Being ostracized by one’s peers, it seems, can throw adolescent hormones even further out of whack, lead to reduced connectivity in the brain, and even sabotage the growth of new neurons.

Read it. Really.

Studies researching the long term effects of peer to peer abuse suggest that the brain may actually become altered and the side effects range from depression to memory loss.

It's so sad but not shocking. It's obvious that when a child or teen is consistently mistreated, eventually their outward personality often changes. Those are the things we can see. What about all the things going on in a child's brain that we can't see? Children can function but they may be suffering. What IS shocking is that we continue to let it happen.

Early prevention should be a priority. If we catch kids at young ages, we may be able to prevent some brain damage. Sound dramatic? Not when you have studies like these to back you up.

Childhood Obesity and Bullying

2010-11-29T18:54:00.004-05:00

In doing a little channel surfing today, it seemed like everyone was talking about childhood obesity and bullying. If you're an overweight child, you know they go hand in hand. Everyone from Rachel Ray to Dr. Oz to Dr. Phil mentioned this issue today. Although this post was written in September, I thought it would be an appropriate day to re-post this information. (Is that as bad as re-gifting??)

It's something to pay attention to for a variety of reasons. Kids who are overweight have long term emotional scars from the teasing, bullying and downright abuse of their peers.

That's a total bummer for kids with extra pounds. Physical AND mental health are at risk. It's also a total bummer for parents who worry about them.

Naturally, it's important for parents to take the reins and help their children with good nutrition and exercise. According to the Mayo Clinic: "Childhood obesity is particularly troubling because the extra pounds often start children on the path to health problems that were once confined to adults, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Childhood obesity can also lead to poor self-esteem and depression."

So speaking of self esteem and depression, what can be done about the put downs from peers?

No. 1: If you're a parent or any adult with kids in your life who are NOT overweight, don't allow them to call other kids Fat...or Tubby...or Blubber. Seriously, it's in the same category as saying "You're so gay." You may not think so, but just read the study and think again.

No. 2: If you're the parent of a child that's overweight, let this be motivation to you to start helping them with their health. It's hard, I know. Weight, like bullying, is complicated. It's a Tangled Ball. It's not just about restricting calories, it's about emotions which makes it one of the hardest parenting issues to handle. More often than not, there's a lot of frustrating baggage that makes it hard to help a child with a weight issue.

There's a site for teen girls who struggle with their weight called Fitsmi, as well as a companion separate site, Fitsmi for Moms. Fitsmi recognizes that girls need to have a safe place to be teens first. Girls with extra pounds have the same interests in fashion, boys, celebrities, and makeup as any girl (as well as sports, academics, etc., etc.). They just need a network of friends who know what it's like to be a plus size in a size 2 world. It's a place online where they're not judged and they can be honest. It's a source for good information, including tips on clothes and relationships as well as nutrition and exercise. (Boys should have their own site, too! But if you're a parent of a boy, advice on Fitsmi for Moms might still be helpful to you.)

Here's the key: no judging.

Nothing about this issue is simple, except this. Kids will bully kids who are overweight. (It's gotten out of hand. A child doesn't even have to be technically overweight to be teased by their peers.) When they do, they are stealing their childhood as well as risking their long term emotional health. It's our job as adults to stop it.

Thanks to Those Who Care about Kids and Bullying

2010-11-24T16:33:00.012-05:00

Thanks to all those who spend their time, money, and expertise to help kids have a lighthearted and bully-free childhood.

There are so many great experts doing good work. There are also great parents paying attention to raising compassionate kids. And to parents who also volunteer in schools, you're awesome. Parents can't do it alone and schools can't do it alone. When we work together we have a shot at preventing and/or blunting the long tail of pain that bullying creates.

Is there a one-size fits all solution? Absolutely not.

I really like the list at the top right when it comes to training, research and tools. There are many others which I'll continue to share in future posts but... who -- and what -- would you recommend?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and the readers of this blog are my favorite people. (Other than the ones I lugged around for 9 months. Oh, and of course the guy that's my friend and husband.) So thanks for your interest in pulling out one damn string at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Rock On in Bullying Prevention

2010-11-21T19:15:00.010-05:00

Almost everyone has had a great teacher in their lives. One of mine was Mrs. Behrens in the third grade. If you went by looks alone, you'd be terrified. She was an imposing figure. Luckily for the hundreds of kids she taught over the years, that was only a brief first impression.

Although it was a small Catholic elementary school without any type of arts program, she created her own. She would often tell us in the afternoon to clear our desks except for crayons or colored pencils. She would pass out a sparkling white clean sheet of paper to each student and then ask us to just clear our minds. She would put on classical music and simply introduce it by saying, "Enjoy Bach." We just listened to music from a record player (yes, a record player) she brought from her own home and records from her own collection and let our minds just drift as we drew anything we wanted. It turned my whole day around and allowed my 8 year-old mind to relax and expand. We all loved it. Mrs. Behrens was brilliant!

Here's something that's not talked about enough -- music and bullying prevention.

Singing it, playing it, creating it, or listening to it, music is the great communicator. So why don't we use more of it to get messages across in school, lower kids' frustrations and create a better school climate in general?

There are hundreds of reasons why schools are often very tense, especially as kids approach middle and high school. Music is a great tension reliever. It allows all ages to express themselves and being able to express yourself, lowers frustration.

School budgets are always part of the challenge but introducing music in the classroom is easy and doesn't take a big budget. Just ask Mrs. B, now in her eighties and a much less imposing figure. But it's still the size of her heart and her simple wisdom that are impressive.

Here's a little of P.S, 22 Chorus to help drive home the point. It makes me smile that the chorus teacher's name is Mr. B.