Thanks to Broadband for America for taking an interest in the New Neighborhood...

Prepare for the Worst to Enjoy the Best…
Parenting in the New Neighborhood

I was worried when my daughter first started high school. The phone never rang. No friends? That’s when it hit me; they’re all online and it’s the “new neighborhood.”

There have been countless good things about the new “hood.” Hours of fun watching YouTube, invaluable help with homework, sharing information and developing friendships.

But just like any neighborhood, it has a few dark alleys.

Parents naturally worry about online predators but in reality cyber-bullying has become the number one issue of concern. According to an iSafe study several years ago over 42% of kids online had experienced some form of cyber-bullying.

The insidious nature of bullying in the schoolyard is bad enough. Now just imagine that you can’t get away from your bully and you can’t control who reads nasty things about you or sees mortifying photos. Over half the kids cyber-bullied don’t even tell anyone. It’s worth noting that most kids don’t ever use the word “cyber” or “offline” and “online.” It’s their life and when it happens they’re feeling attacked and alone.

While legislators, policy makers, judicial system and law enforcement all have key roles to play in this tangled ball issue there is an immediate need for the industry, parents and schools to step up.

Help kids avoid some of the pitfalls when they’re young. Look at it this way. If you built a pool in the backyard, you’d teach your kids to swim, you’d build a fence, install an alarm…and then enjoy the pool. (By the way, I thought this was an original thought but in doing research I’ve found that well respected authorities have also used this analogy. So much for being uniquely brilliant.)

We could use a far-reaching national awareness campaign and someone to pay for it; the industry to offer more product-based solutions; a strategy for schools including training teachers and making online safety and digital literacy a required part of the curriculum; and parenting tools that address age-specific issues.

Luckily, there are smart people doing great work to help families with online safety. The best advice I’ve come across is a combination of good old-fashioned parenting with some technology savvy thrown in, such as:

• Hold your own child to the same standards online as offline, including treating others with respect. Even good kids try to “flex their muscles” online.

• Place the computer in a common area and sign a contract with your child that lays out your expectations for their technology use (“netiquette”) and then post it next to the computer.

• Be smart about what age your child will be allowed to be on a social network and know exactly what it’s all about. For example, the required age for facebook and MySpace is 13 but since it can’t be enforced some kids lie about their age.

• Set a tone that signals to your child that they won’t be punished if they share a problem they’re having online. Take their concerns seriously. Listen and sympathize but DON’T overreact by taking their beloved computer and/or cell phone away.

• Compliment them when they use good judgment such as not “friending” someone untrustworthy or not passing along hurtful messages.

• Take 7 minutes to watch Common Sense Approach to Internet Safety and encourage your child’s school to take a look, too
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• The “What You Need to Know” video tutorial from iKeepSafe is also a great resource and is short enough to fit into a busy schedule.

To raise good digital citizens we have to be good digital parents but in the end parenting is parenting whether it’s offline or online. All parents and schools should know about the great information out there to help them prepare for the worst while enjoying the best the new neighborhood has to offer.

Parenting Offline to Online

I'm not proud of the fact that that my children were never given any guidance when I put them in front of the computer. Who knows what sites they've seen? And I never discussed mobile phone etiquette so if they ever received hurtful texts, they didn't tell me. (A high percentage of preteens and teens don't tell. One reason: fear their parents will overreact by taking away their access to Facebook, MySpace and their beloved cell.)

But, I've learned that it's just like teaching your kids how to swim. Once you do, you worry a little less about them drowning.

As parents, we don't need one more thing to make us feel like we're lousy at our jobs, but who has the time to do everything? This short video from iKeepSafe might help. Check out the What You Need to Know.

It's like a short swimming lesson. It's good if you get wet but you don't have to stay in the pool until your fingertips shrivel. In other words, it covers the basics so you know enough to watch from the sidelines and cheer when your kids say "Mom, watch this!," or jump in when they look like they're in a little trouble.

Kids shouldn't feel alone in the new neighborhood of technology. They need us.

What's your favorite resource?

Home Version of Anti-Bullying Campaign

"Be nice to the new kid."

"Don't be mean to kids when you're online."

"It doesn't matter what the other kids are doing, never do or say anything to make someone feel bad."

"If kids are saying things you don't like about someone, come tell me. You won't get into trouble and I'll be careful how I handle it."

"I saw how you took a little extra time with the boy who has special needs in your class. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks for telling me about that mean text. I'm so glad you didn't add to the gossip."

"You're a good example to the kids in your class. That's what leadership is."

Click Here But Have Tissues Ready

A New Low..Boy with CP Being Tormented by Classmates...

I usually try to stay upbeat but this story has me reeling with anger. How can this happen? A 15-year old boy with cerebral palsy being emotionally humiliated and physically abused by classmates -- since 3rd grade????

By the way, one of the most disturbing aspects of this abuse is holding him down and pouring dog food in his mouth. Barbaric. But we're letting it happen.

As Bill Cosby would say, "Come on, people!". We need to start recognizing that we are raising an angry society and the line just keeps getting crossed.

No one stepped in??? It's a simple lesson for everyone -- Don't let things like this happen. Say something. Do Something. Anything.

And talk to your children about never engaging in cruel behavior even as a "bystander." Watching and/or knowing and not doing anything about it is cruel in itself.

We're not saying enough to our children to make them aware of right and wrong. We're abdicating our responsibility and letting entertainment take over. Kids are watching enough "reality" tv to presume that the mean behavior they see IS reality. It's not...yet. But because we don't explain that it's not or simply turn the tv off, it's slowly but surely becoming reality. Somehow kids in the U.S. are getting the message that mean is somewhat "cool."

Irresponsible producers will never see the light and do the right thing. So Step Up Parents. Step Up Kids. And Step Up Schools. This should be breaking all of our hearts.

Eye Contact

Can we discuss one of the most insidious of all bullying tactics? Not giving eye contact. Yep. If you've ever been on the receiving end, you know what I mean. It's a message that you're not worthy. And when done as a group, watch out. You can end up in the fetal position.

It's a tactic not only used by middle and high school girls but by many passive aggressive adults. I've personally used it and it works. But I didn't feel good about it and I'm not doing it again.

It's a great weapon because the perpetrator can get away with it. It's subtle but effective.

I've decided to call people out on it. Why not? And, it's possible to do that without lowering yourself. Most bullying can be stopped with just a few words.

Next time someone doesn't give me eye contact intentionally, I'm going to try to get their eye and say, "Is everything ok?" And if they ask why I ask that, I'm going to reply, "Because you're not looking at me and you seem tense." At the very least it makes them think that they're not as subtle as they thought they were. They'll have to find some other means to make me feel small.

But for kids it's different. A lot harder. I think adults should be aware of the kind of hurt it causes and at least step in with awareness and sympathy.

But that might not be enough. Anyone out there have advice?

Jelly Bean Wisdom

My son, Peter, coaches the "mighty" Jelly Beans, an adorable assortment of 4-year old boys and girls who are learning a team sport for the first time.

It dawned on me as I watched them enthusiastically make goals for the opposing team (The Peanuts) that this was much more than learning a sport. It was learning how to treat each other.

Out of the blue, a frustrated little Peanut shoved a Jelly Bean right to the ground. It was the quickest way to get the ball. After the Ref reprimanded the perpetrator, the game was about to resume. I was proud to see that big, tall, 25-year old Peter stopped the game to kneel down, look his pint-sized player in the eye and compliment him for NOT hitting back.

When the action started up again, all was forgiven. Then the craziest thing happened. The little boy that had been shoved went from feeling shaken to feeling full of confidence and went on to make three goals -- for his own team this time.

I guess the moral of this Jelly Bean story is that if more adults took the time to stop, connect and compliment, the emotional effects of bullying wouldn't be so brutal.

This Mom Should Feel Proud

I was talking to a young girl, now in 8th grade, about how hard the transition was for her when she moved schools two years ago. It was tough. The girls were not as inclusive as they should have been and had a tendency to gossip and the boys in her class were rough and never missed a chance to tease.

But things turned around the next year. I asked her what happened. She said she didn't share her problems with the other kids because she wasn't sure they would use it against her. She said she started trying to find friends she could trust by working on different projects with different kids and getting to know them. Eventually, she found a different set of friends.

When I asked her what her advice was for other kids, she said, "Tell an adult. I told my mother and she listened. It made things better."

Actually, listening isn't as easy as it sounds. When I asked her mom about it, she said, "Listening. A lot of parents don't do that but it's the job. Moms worry about their hair or going to the mall more than listening to their kids but it's the most important thing."

In this case, it spared her sweet girl hours of hurt.

This mom should feel very proud.