White House Summit on Bullying: What Can We Do?

In President Obama's opening remarks at the White House Summit on Bullying, he said, "No child should feel that alone." That just about sums up why I'm involved.

In the closing remarks after all the true but tragic stories, the overwhelming statistics and expert advice had been shared, the audience was asked to ask themselves, "What more can I do?"

In answer to that question, I want to share with you what others are doing in the field of bullying prevention and online safety and who are dedicated to providing real help...but first, I want to share a couple of things I personally took away from the conference.

This is such a huge issue but I constantly come back to three things that I think are critical in making a positive impact:

• Early Prevention

Bottom Line: If we start very young -- PreK and up -- and create the expectation of respect, we have a shot at changing the balance when they get older.

• Parenting

Bottom Line: Parents are where it's at. Kids need to be prepared at home for social interactions. Parents can acknowledge and encourage their children when they treat others well and correct them when they don't.

• Bystander (or Upstander):

Bottom Line: When you think about it, the bystander is everyone. Compassion and leadership skills can be taught and we can teach kids how to step up for others in ways that are comfortable to them. (If you ask kids, they know that their peers make the biggest difference.)

If you want to start somewhere, there are so many resources. Stopbullying.gov was announced yesterday and there are others listed to the right. Not every community, school or home is the same so tailoring campaigns or materials to fit your needs is really important. In my community, I, along with the support of the principal and the help of other interested parents, started the Be the One mentoring campaign because it suited the needs of the school and it appealed to both the adults and the age span of the children. I also wanted it to be fun which is very key to holding the kids' attention (and mine, too!) It has created an infrastructure that allows parents and teachers to introduce curriculum they come across and activities that promote friendship and respect. As a matter of fact, next Tuesday, we'll be using some of the tools from Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Center. (I'll be posting more about their fabulous work next week.)

Best Advice from the Summit: My favorite was expert Rosalind Wiseman's advice to any adult on what to say when a child comes to them about being bullied:

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me. I'll stand by you.

"What more can I do?" We can all help by sharing ideas and keeping the conversation going. Let me know what you're doing and I'd be happy to share it with others.

Michael Angelakos of Passion Pit is an Upstander

Experts agree that the role of the "bystander" is key in blunting the affects of bullying. The Center for Social and Emotional Education thought that the role of bystander is so important that perhaps it should be renamed to reflect that action is required. So bystander became "upstander," which says so much more.

You could just be standing there minding your own business and WHAM, there's a need to step up and support someone who is being mistreated. In that moment, a decision has to be made. Do I step in to the problem or do I just let that person/child fend for themselves? Do I care enough to lend a sympathetic ear, or tell the bully to "stop," or get additional help... or do I just stand by?

During this recording with the chorus from P.S. 22, Michael Angelakos, lead singer of the award-winning band Passion Pit, proved he is an UPSTANDER. In under 30 seconds, he could have possibly changed this lucky child's life.

Do we have to be a celebrity to be an upstander? No way. In that moment and in that child's eyes, it's extremely likely that Angelakos was just a person saying the right thing at the right time.

So to every upstander out there, ROCK ON.

The "Someone" Survey for Targets, Witnesses and Bullies

1. When I get up in the morning and get ready to go to school, I hope that I:

A. Will feel anxious
B. Will be disrespected
C. Will feel that I have no friends
D. Will feel that no one understands
E. None of the above

2. When I go to the lunchroom, I hope that:

A. Kids will not make room for me at the table
B. They will tease me about my lunch
C. They will make me feel unwanted and uncomfortable
D. They will make inside jokes to make me feel I’m not part of the group
E. None of the above

3. When I go out to recess, I hope that:

A. I will not be included in any games
B. I will be left to walk around by myself and feel alone
C. People will call me names
D. I will feel sad because everyone else is looking happy
E. None of the above

4. When I go to the restroom, I hope:

A. I will be nervous because there is no adult supervision
B. Others will try to embarrass me
C. Kids will try to get me in trouble
D. Kids will shove me
E. None of the above

5. When I am in the classroom, I hope:

A. I am made to feel stupid
B. People will pass notes about me
C. People will whisper things about me when the teacher isn’t looking
D. People will act upset when my desk is changed and put next to theirs
E. None of the above

6. When I go on the bus, I hope:

A. Things are out of control
B. People give me a hard time and no one tells them to stop
C. No one sits next to me
D. Kids step on my backpack and make me feel scared
E. None of the above

7. When I am on a team or after school activity, I hope:

A. People ignore me
B. Kids on the team make me feel bad when I make a mistake
C. Kids leave me out when they leave after the game to hang out together
D. Kids don’t cheer for me
E. None of the above

8. When I’m having a hard day and people are being mean, I hope:

A. That someone gives me eye contact and smiles
B. That someone lets me in their circle and doesn’t turn their back
C. That someone tells the person who is being mean to cut it out
D. That someone lets me join their group
E. That someone gives me a compliment
F. That someone stops the gossip
G. That someone doesn’t laugh when I fall and helps me up
H. That someone understands
I. Am That Someone.


Please Note: the last item should be read aloud and remembered.

(c) Tangled Ball 2010

If You See Something, Say Something

Shawn Hornbeck's message is directly aimed at the "bystander." It's ok to teach our kids and encourage each other as adults to step up. It doesn't have to be in a "tie your superhero cloak on and fly in to save the day" kind of way.

It can be done in hundreds of ways. And it can be the little things. Like teaching your kids to tell you when they've been mistreated or they see someone else being mistreated. Or they can give the bullied child a little emotional support, even a smile of empathy, or they can be the person who doesn't participate in something mean-spirtied, or they can include someone in a game in the schoolyard.

As they get older, they can be more assertive in telling classmates to "knock it off" or not to forward that embarrassing text.

The more parents, teachers and administrators do this, the less uncomfortable kids will be with the role of active bystander.

Shawn's message is intended to help avoid kidnappings but it's true for all situations. It's basically saying, "Care." Which is a lifesaver in itself.

Home Version of Anti-Bullying Campaign

"Be nice to the new kid."

"Don't be mean to kids when you're online."

"It doesn't matter what the other kids are doing, never do or say anything to make someone feel bad."

"If kids are saying things you don't like about someone, come tell me. You won't get into trouble and I'll be careful how I handle it."

"I saw how you took a little extra time with the boy who has special needs in your class. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks for telling me about that mean text. I'm so glad you didn't add to the gossip."

"You're a good example to the kids in your class. That's what leadership is."

Not So Easy for Young Bystanders

Many bullying experts believe that empowering bystanders to step in is the key to improving bullying situations. This makes great sense but it's still very complicated and not a "one size fits all" or "one size fits all ages" answer.

Just as the "gang mentality" of bullies works for them, enlisting the support of all students in a school to step in seems like an effective way to go. Basically, you educate a "gang of supporters." Kids, rightfully so, feel intimidated and ill equipped to step in to certain situations on their own. If whole classrooms are taught how to recognize bullying and given easy tools like simple things to say and ways to intervene, kids might not feel so nervous about doing the right thing.

Last week, I had an experience where a group of socially popular adults were bad mouthing others that weren't there to defend themselves. I was very uncomfortable and felt like if I said something, they would laugh at me or start talking about me when I left the room (which was very shortly after). Sound like middle school? It felt like middle school, and after all the research I've done on the issue of bullying, I still wonder why I didn't step in. It really made me empathize with kids faced with these tricky situations.

Here's an article from GreatSchools which helps focus on this debate and gives a few tips to parents.

What do you think? Any tips for kids? (Just go to the right and click "Not So Easy for Young Bystanders" under "Blog Archive." Simply scroll down a bit and leave a comment. All feedback and suggestions are important.)

Lessons From Ryan's Story...Step In

At age 13, Ryan Halligan had enough of bullying and took his own life. His parents did everything they could to blunt the effects of bullying on their kind, sensitive son but he was surrounded. It happened in school and it happened online.

According to a recent study led by “Harvard University’s Berkman Center for Internet and Society, 42% of kids bullied on the Web are also harassed at school.” (Parents, June 2009).

Where do you start to tackle the issue; to make a difference? John Halligan, Ryan’s dad, started by going to middle and high schools himself and telling Ryan’s story. Eventually, he was in such demand that he had to make the choice of giving up a long career as an engineer at IBM and devoting all his time talking to as many kids, parents and administrators as possible.

His mission is personal. Bullying is personal. And bullying is a hurt that sometimes doesn’t get healed.

What John Halligan is doing is admirable. It must be painful every time he gets up to address an auditorium full of kids that remind him of his own. His presentation is addressed to bullies and victims, but maybe most importantly, to the bystander. The bystander is the key to stopping repeated mean behavior. Bullies bully because they can. John Halligan is empowering kids to step in. It’s the most powerful anti-bullying tool around.

A letter from a middle school student after one of John’s presentations:

“Dear Mr. Halligan,
I have learned from our assembly to not be a bystander. Our school gave us papers about your unfortunate situation. I instantly went on the internet to learn about Ryan’s story. After I finished reading me and my mom were in tears. My mom tells me things happen for a reason, although I don’t know what the reason is. I know that Ryan wouldn’t want you to stay sad. Your story has inspired me and hopefully it will inspire others. I hope you go around different places and teach others NOT TO BE A BULLY!!”

The Halligan family is brave and their bravery is making a difference. Now we should all step in.

What's Your Advice?

Check out this Dear Deidre column. A sixteen year-old boy writes in to ask the advice columnist for The Sun (a British paper), if he should stand up for his friend who is being badly bullied. Her advice, in a nutshell, is to not get too involved and encourage the boy to go to an adult authority.


What do you think?