First Days of School -- Be Nice to the New Kid Month

By September 7th, most kids up to the age of 18 will be back in school in the U.S. so I've designated September as National 'Be Nice to the New Kid Month.

"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much."   —Blaise Pascal

If you've ever had to walk into a school knowing no one, I don't have to explain the importance of a peer introducing themselves or including you at their lunch table or sharing a book if you don't have one.  For most kids, the fear and anticipation of starting a new school is like jumping out of an airplane. You know other people have survived but you're not sure you will.  That one kind person can feel like soft welcoming ground.

Although I'm sure she doesn't remember me, I'll never forget the girl who was nice to the new kid.  When my family moved from a small town in Indiana to San Juan, Puerto Rico, I was going into 8th grade.  I didn't know the language. I was leaving the world's best friends right before the best year of elementary. And my new brown and yellow uniform could not have been uglier (the phys ed uniform is too embarrassing even to describe) .  A trifecta of horribleness.

To say that I was scared is an understatement.  I wanted to be invisible until Carmelina broke away from her gaggle of friends and switched from Spanish to English as she took me under her wing.  She introduced me to as many people as she could and although they weren't mean, they didn't pay much attention to me either.  I kept thinking how grateful I was to her for getting me through the dreaded first day. Although most of the other girls didn't ever really warm up to me, Carmelina was kind every single day until graduation.

Kathryn Otoshi, author of the award-winning children's book,One, knows that this is a subject near and dear to my heart so she sent me a copy of Wonder.  It beautifully illustrates the plight of the new or different kid and the tangled ball of emotions most kids experience.  They need mentors.  We are their "Go-To Adults."

So when you drop your kids off at school and you remind them to "be nice to the new kid," know you're raising a leader and this former "new kid" is cheering you on.

Plz Help Me

I've taken my foot off the pedal the past few months.

I have to admit to fatigue.  At times, I feel like a cheerleader for a team that only wins a few games a year and can't seem to fill a stadium.

The issue of bullying finally started getting some attention for, unfortunately, tragic reasons. First there was Columbine, then national stories of young kids and suicide and then along came Bully, the documentary that exposed some of the unthinkable ways peers treat each other.

Politicians, including the President, jumped in, laws were created and companies started sponsoring bullying prevention initiatives.  All good but I fear bullying will become the latest issue to fade into the background of the national consciousness just like homelessness or AIDS or the environment.  In other words, if you're in it for the long haul, you have to deal with the boomerang effect.  When I talk about bullying prevention, I can now see that dreaded look in people's eyes that say, "Been there, done that."

Plz Help Me

Just when I started thinking that I was wasting my time,  I opened my email and there was an anonymous message that simply read, "Plz help me."  I tried to reach back but there was no way to do it.   It originally was sent to me through a thread on The Bully Project web site.   Luckily I saw that they list a help line and because I haven't stopped worrying about this person, I hope they reached out.

It doesn't matter if bullying is the topic du jour.  It is still a source of incredible pain for thousands of kids and their parents. Missing out on a lighthearted childhood is it's own tragedy.

My area of interest in this big tangled ball of a mess called "bullying" is the bigger topic of resilience and leadership.  My theory is that we have to start focusing on character education at a much younger age and parents need to be at the center of the effort.  It needs to be simple, affordable, sustainable, creative and positive.

In the fall, I will start a series for young parents on how to nurture leadership skills at home and encourage it in school because the more "little leaders" in the classroom, the less likely bullying will be a big problem.  Good all around.

In the meantime, I like to share really good resources.  My pick of the day is the book "Wonder," by R.J. Palacio.  The truth is that kids perceived as "different," whether it's a learning, physical or emotional challenge are picked on.  Wonder will inspire you to be a better parent and will give you an insight to the true meaning of leadership, resilience and spirit.

If you're reading this, it means you care, too.  Thank you.

Siblings, The Summer, and Bullying

This week's anti-bullying buzz is about siblings.  A new study published by the journal Pediatrics, reveals that sibling bullying can be just as harmful as peer bullying to children's mental health.

When kids are out of school and spending more time as a family, it's an important thing to be aware of.  How brothers and sisters treat each other can either have a lifelong positive effect or do a lot of damage.  Parents set the tone.



Bully, the movie, will make you want to do something. You may wonder what that "something' could be? It may be as close as your own home.

In one of the scenes from the movie, it's painful to watch Alex get bullied by his younger sister. She basically calls him a loser and you can tell that it's not the first time.

We always focus on bullying in the schoolyard or online, but we rarely talk about sibling bullying.

In her book, Bullies and Victims, SuEllen Fried describes it this way,

Some conflict between siblings is normal and unavoidable. Sibling conflict is viewed as abusive when the interaction becomes violent, when one sibling feels powerless to stop the interaction, when the conflict persists over extended periods of time, and when the conflict is lopsided so that one sibling is singled out consistently.

Do we tune this out as parents? Do we get so sick of the kids "fighting," that we don't pay attention anymore?

A few years ago, I was at the International Bullying Prevention Assoc. conference and one of the most impressive workshops was led by this very serene looking woman. She started out by talking about sibling abuse and bullying. By the end of it, I noticed that all the attendees (mostly principals, teachers, coaches, security officers, counselors), including the men in the room, were emotional.  It seemed that each person could relate to the subject of sibling to sibling meanness. 

Last fall I was visiting a classroom. We weren't even talking about bullying but there was a little boy who raised his hand and then popped out of his desk to tell me that his bigger cousin was beating him up. When I asked him if his parents knew, he said that they told him to get over it...his cousin was just "horsing around." This child was clearly afraid of his cousin.

Sibling (or family) bullying often gets swept under the rug and often the pain of that bullying never goes away -- as was seen on the faces of those men in that workshop. (Not all siblings will like each other growing up, but they shouldn't be allowed to hurt each other.)

Letting our own children cross the line with (or against) each other is not good. That line is the line between "getting on each other's nerves" to constantly belittling, demeaning or physically hurting each other.

SuEllen suggests,

In general children should resolve differences on their own. When children are unable to do so, adults should intervene...

Good tips from Dr. Barbara Greenberg on how to handle sibling bullying.