Plz Help Me

I've taken my foot off the pedal the past few months.

I have to admit to fatigue.  At times, I feel like a cheerleader for a team that only wins a few games a year and can't seem to fill a stadium.

The issue of bullying finally started getting some attention for, unfortunately, tragic reasons. First there was Columbine, then national stories of young kids and suicide and then along came Bully, the documentary that exposed some of the unthinkable ways peers treat each other.

Politicians, including the President, jumped in, laws were created and companies started sponsoring bullying prevention initiatives.  All good but I fear bullying will become the latest issue to fade into the background of the national consciousness just like homelessness or AIDS or the environment.  In other words, if you're in it for the long haul, you have to deal with the boomerang effect.  When I talk about bullying prevention, I can now see that dreaded look in people's eyes that say, "Been there, done that."

Plz Help Me

Just when I started thinking that I was wasting my time,  I opened my email and there was an anonymous message that simply read, "Plz help me."  I tried to reach back but there was no way to do it.   It originally was sent to me through a thread on The Bully Project web site.   Luckily I saw that they list a help line and because I haven't stopped worrying about this person, I hope they reached out.

It doesn't matter if bullying is the topic du jour.  It is still a source of incredible pain for thousands of kids and their parents. Missing out on a lighthearted childhood is it's own tragedy.

My area of interest in this big tangled ball of a mess called "bullying" is the bigger topic of resilience and leadership.  My theory is that we have to start focusing on character education at a much younger age and parents need to be at the center of the effort.  It needs to be simple, affordable, sustainable, creative and positive.

In the fall, I will start a series for young parents on how to nurture leadership skills at home and encourage it in school because the more "little leaders" in the classroom, the less likely bullying will be a big problem.  Good all around.

In the meantime, I like to share really good resources.  My pick of the day is the book "Wonder," by R.J. Palacio.  The truth is that kids perceived as "different," whether it's a learning, physical or emotional challenge are picked on.  Wonder will inspire you to be a better parent and will give you an insight to the true meaning of leadership, resilience and spirit.

If you're reading this, it means you care, too.  Thank you.

Kid President says #Makeithappy Online

Once again, Kid President is full of good ideas.  Seems as if Coca Cola thinks so, too.

Whether we're the type of parents who diligently talk to our children about online safety or the type of parents who are afraid of our children's "new neighborhood"  and just hope for the best, most of us don't talk to our kids about how to make it happy.

Countering negativity online is within everyone's reach and children should be encouraged to always fill someone's bucket whether they're in the schoolyard or are online.

Let's turn it around so that negative comments are the exception instead of the rule.

#Makeithappy...and for sound advice about kids, technology and all things media I suggest Common Sense Media as one of the best resources out there.

Positivity.  It's also Gluten Free.  Right, Kid President?

Teaching Our Kids How to MEDABO

Last week I handed out three MEDABO cards in very unlikely places.  Two were on the 15X express bus from Staten Island to Manhattan and the other one was on the #4 subway.

MEDABO is a family charity.  My father used to tell the kids to go out and make every day a better one and so my daughter, Alice-Kate, and her cousins decided to make it official by creating these cards.  It's mission is simple.  Recognize acts of kindness and pay it forward.

Three Cards: Three Unexpected Parenting Lessons

The Sunny Bus Driver

The first card was given to the bus driver on Tuesday.  She was incredibly kind to every single person who boarded the bus.  Not easy to do when you're a driver in New York City.  She connected with each person and sincerely asked how they were.  When one regular customer was getting on she showed true concern for his obviously failing health.  It made my heart melt.  

Teachable Moment

The next time I saw the driver, she told me that she had given it to her  son for doing something good and she asked him to pass it along to someone else who was making a difference.

The Kind Passenger

On the following Friday, I boarded the bus but when I went to pay, I realized that the Metrocard that was in my wallet was expired.  I had left the one with $20 on it on my kitchen counter.  When I asked a woman who looked approachable if I could pay her in exchange for using her Metrocard, I had another jolting thought.  I only had $3 on me.  The fare is $6.  She didn't even blink.  She just stood up and paid my fare.

Teachable Moment

We started talking about Tangled Ball and early bullying prevention.  She has twin 3 year olds but she pointed out something really key to me.  Her son had recently used the "hate" word at pre-school.   He was quickly corrected but it left her wondering how he even knew the word?  (She laughingly said that it could have been a lot of other choice words if he was mimicking her but that she actually never used the word "hate.")

It reminded me that kids are sponges.  They'll pick up words and actions that their peers use.  So even if you don't do some things at home, once they go to school, they're learning more than their colors.  

Early course correction is a good idea.

The Wise Upstander

You run into a lot of crazy stuff on the subway.  On Friday, there were a mother/daughter duo having an argument to beat all arguments.  It got really heated and everyone on the train was uncomfortable. There was a sigh of relief when they got off but one gentleman didn't just leave the crazy vibes in the air.  

Teachable Moment

He said out loud,. "That's a shame.  People just don't say I'm sorry anymore"  He continued, "I'm sorry" works.  As a matter of fact, I said it to my 6 year-old daughter last night.  She was upset that I came home late and I looked her in the eye and said, 'I'm sorry.' And she was satisfied."

His parting words of wisdom:  "People are too defensive.  Saying I'm sorry is really important."

I couldn't agree more.

Who is Making Every Day a Better One in your life?  

Connecting the Dots: Daydreaming, Resilience and Bullying Prevention

There's an upside and a downside to our focus on bullying prevention.  The upside, of course, is that we're shedding light on the pervasive culture of mean that is destroying the confidence of so many children and teens.  

The downside is that the conversation doesn't go deep enough.  Should we be talking just about prevention or should we be spending some time exploring what makes children resilient?  I'd love to think that we can "prevent" all bullying.  With a lot more work and dare I say, money,  I definitely think we can change the balance in schools and homes...but kids will always face the challenge of mean behavior.

So what's the difference between the child/teen that carries the hurt with them forever and the person that not only survives but thrives?  I've talked with 80 year olds that tell me that the hurt stuck with them for their whole lives and the negative experience had somehow formed them.  That's how deep the silent pain hides in the soul.  What if that long tail of pain could have been blunted?  What if their ability to become resilient was nurtured?

The subject of resilience is as intricate as the topic of bullying but it deserves it's day in the sun.  

I highly recommend reading Carolyn George's article "18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently in the Huffington Post.

Many of the most iconic stories and songs of all time have been inspired by gut-wrenching pain and heartbreak -- and the silver lining of these challenges is that they may have been the catalyst to create great art. An emerging field of psychology called post-traumatic growth is suggesting that many people are able to use their hardships and early-life trauma for substantial creative growth. Specifically, researchers have found that trauma can help people to grow in the areas of interpersonal relationships, spirituality, appreciation of life, personal strength, and -- most importantly for creativity -- seeing new possibilities in life. 

When we allow kids to daydream, it nurtures their individual creativity.  Their creativity defines them as  a unique powerful person.  When kids are allowed to go into "the zone," they are happier and more satisfied.  It's harder to negatively impact a person who knows what makes them feel the joy of their own individuality.  Creativity comes in so many forms...art, music, writing, sports, film, tv production, theater, even developing video games...anything that takes vision.  

So here's a tip.  Allow your children to spend time staring out a window or laying on the floor listening to music or curling up in a chair and relaxing.  It's time well spent.  Their creativity may sustain them for the rest of their lives.

Inspiration at the 7-Eleven: #Leadership

When we tell people to do their jobs, we get workers. When we trust people to get the job done, we get leaders. -- Simon Sinek

I've been lucky enough to hang out in San Diego for the past month.  I have my new granddaughter, Lucy, to thank for keeping me out of the harsh NewYork cold.

My daily routine includes getting up early and going to the 7-Eleven on the corner of Beech and State to get a cup of coffee and it always includes nice conversation with the people working there.  For example, early Christmas morning, I happened to ask the cashier how his Christmas Eve had been and then he gave me the most spiritual description of Midnight Mass at St. Paul's Cathedral.  He was so peaceful telling me about the music and the lighting of candles.

It seemed as if he was totally in the moment and appreciating every aspect of life.  It suddenly dawned on me that if he was at Midnight Mass, he must have only had a couple of hours of sleep.  He happily told me that four hours of sleep was fine and he was able to get off in the afternoon to celebrate the holiday with his family.  Not one complaint.  Not one.

I don't know what it is, but every employee there is exceptionally nice.  They're not just nice to me. A handful of homeless individuals frequent this store -- begging outside on the corner before they go in. They are also treated with kindness.

It's gotten to the point that if I'm feeling a bit blue or sleep deprived, I look forward to going in there for a boost.  And it's not the caffeine because I only drink decaf.

It's a culturally diverse group of employees but they all seem to have one thing in common.  They know how to treat people and seem to be genuinely interested.

As I was fumbling around with the simple but complicated process of pouring that first cup, I asked the 20-something guy who was efficiently restocking creamers, if it was a good day.  "It has to be," he said.  I wasn't 100% sure of what that meant so he explained, "It's my choice to make it a good day and so it has to be a good day."  And by making it his choice, he made me aware that it was up to me, too.

As I was leaving, he said, "Have a good one."  And I replied, "Now I will."

Leaders work everywhere and do every type of job.  Doing a good job takes commitment and a positive attitude.

Good lessons for our children.  (And speaking of children, there's an awesome woman there who has 5 children, two grandchildren, and looks 20 years younger than her actual age and I think it's because she has an optimistic attitude!)

Look for leaders wherever you go.  You can even get inspired at a 7-Eleven.

Leader Nelson Mandela Was a Child Once

(AP Photo/Peter Dejong)

What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.” — Nelson Mandela  

Two small stories from two different locations caught my attention this week but they had one thing in common. They were about resilient two 7-year olds who didn't give in to meanness.  As we mourn the loss of Nelson Mandela, one of the greatest leaders of all time,   the stories of Christian and Gabbie gave me hope that resilience, kindness, loyalty and bravery didn't die, too.

Second grader Christian Bucks from York, Pennsylvania, noticed that some kids feel lonely at recess.  Although, just the mere mention of recess for most children brings on euphoria, for many others, it's not so fun.  When children don't have anyone to hang out with, or worse, if they are a target for mean behavior, it feels long and uncomfortable.

Christian's simple solution?  A buddy bench.  His 7-year old instincts told him that everyone needs a safe place.

The second story is about Gabbie, a young girl from Greenwood, Indiana, with a big heart and big challenges.  Gabbie suffers from a genetic disorder, neurofibromatosis, which causes tumors to grow on the nervous system and can lead to learning disabilities.  The disease can mimic autism and result in a degree of social awkwardness.  As she became older, Gabbie started to become aware that she wasn't included in social activities, including getting invited to parties. 

Heartbroken, Gabbie's mom made an online appeal through Monkee See-Monkee Do for people to send Gabbie cards.  What happened next gave me hope that there are many little leaders out there.  Gabbie received hundreds of cards from adults and kids cheering Gabbie on and making her feel loved.

It was a gift for both the receiver and the giver.  Encouraging children to step up for others is a tremendous lesson.  To all the parents who told their children this story and pulled out the paper, pens, glue and glitter to help them write a card to Gabbie, way to go.

Nelson Mandela was a child once.  

We have the chance to nurture great leaders.

"Sometime It Just Takes One."

Kindergarten: Good Time to Create Good School Relationship

There are four strings in the tangled ball of bullying that I think are really important:

•  Early Prevention

•  Parenting

•  Parent-School Relationship

•  Role of the Bystander (Upstander!)

I thought of all four of these as I watched the first day of Kindergarten unfold at a school in my neighborhood.

Kindergarten is such a beautiful milestone.  The kids are adorable and excited and the parents are interested in getting them on the right path.

In other words, everyone is anxious to be at their best so it becomes a huge teachable opportunity for the kids and the adults!  Kindergarten teachers have a big job.  They teach kids everything from tying their shoes to reading...but they're also teaching the parents how to be "school ready" and how to get involved in their children's education.

Part of that education is how the kids treat each other (early prevention and becoming upstanders) but also how parents (parenting) should interact with the school and how the school should communicate with the parent (parent-school relationship).

Does your school encourage a healthy parent/school relationship?

Please share the good and/or the bad.  It's one of the key ingredients to a successful school career and we can all learn from each other.

The Worst Kind of Bullying

Child abuse is the worst form of bullying.

Each one of us has the power to be the Go-To Adult.  To me, the biggest concern is kids suffering in silence.  How do we get them to talk to a "trusted adult."  We become worthy of their trust.

If kids know we care and they won't be criticized, they will be more likely to talk with us.  There are many reasons kids don't tell an adult about a problem.  One of them is shame.  Another is fear that they won't be understood.

People, including children, are vulnerable and don't want to risk feeling worse than they already feel.  Our culture is becoming a judgmental one.  Just look at our television programs.   We've gotten to the point that everything is a competition (cupcakes aren't even safe) and we're always ready to put someone down.  It's becoming common to pick people apart.

The bottom line is that kids need to feel safe and we're responsible for creating a culture that nurtures their safety.

To change a culture, we need to start young and it begins with teaching leadership.  In order to do that, we have to start valuing leadership ourselves.

If we don't, kids will not have a safe place and no child deserves to suffer or feel alone.

Bullying, Forgiveness and a Little Summer Reflection

When someone hurts us or even worse, hurts our children, the anger can run deep.  Legitimately deep.

One of the knotted strings in the tangled ball of bullying is how our anger can eat us up.  It takes up our brain space and holds us back from anything positive.  The reality is, it's like being the target twice.  When you can't let it go, the resentment can have a negative life all its own.

Superstorm Sandy didn't bring many positives but it did bring me a new friend.  Maryann and her husband Ray are still trying to cope with rebuilding not only their home but their daughter's and Ray's brother's homes, as well.  In the midst of it all, they keep the local church (also damaged) going so that the community doesn't lose it's foundation, its rock.

Ironically, after many good discussions about tough transitions, Maryann saw that I needed as much help in coping with change as she did...and I still had my house.

She lent me T.D. Jakes book, Let It Go, and I stumbled upon some truly great advice.  I hope it helps you as much as it did me...

Similarly, when you allow someone else's reaction to determine your mood, you have built a room where you are helpless to control the climate.  When you forgive them and move on you bring the thermostat back into your room and you leave them in the hands of the conscience and their God!

 Of course you want to respond with grace to the repentant but the question begs an answer:  What do you do when the persons who caused you the most pain have not and will not admit, acknowledge, or repent for their part in your pain?  Simple answer, take the power back over your life and write it off.  Demanding that they make things right or have the quality of character to apologize also leaves them controlling the thermostat to a room you have to live in.

Mean people don't often apologize.  Ever.  That's why I think this is great advice for ourselves and a good lesson for our kids.  Sometimes people -- even if they've had a mean moment -- will say I'm sorry.  That's wonderful but others won't.  To expect that they will do the right thing will just fuel our rage even more and make the pain continue.

Something to ponder this hot summer:  Who's in charge of your thermostat?

It made me realize that some damage is more obvious than others and every house needs a "thermostat check" every now and then.

Maryann and Ray:  We're sending you good thoughts as you rebuild.

Bullying: Are Schools Entirely to Blame?

The last post was from the perspective of a parent.

It's also fair to look at things from the perspective of the school.

What I hear from many elementary school principals is that "bullying" has become such a talked about subject, parents and kids are confused by what it means.  I was told by one principal that after the school hosts an assembly about bullying, she gets barraged the next day by kids complaining that if another child bumps into them in the hall or looks at them the wrong way, they've been "bullied."

It's hard for schools to keep up and parents don't always make it easy.  Often parents don't admit to the role they play in making the problem worse.  Parents flying off the handle can do a lot of damage.  This is not to say that parents can't feel frustrated and protective but berating a teacher or school secretary isn't teaching the child anything.  Correction.  It is teaching them something.  Either 1.) they'll start to over react themselves and learn that screaming is communication or 2.) they'll never tell you again about a problem...and that's a serious issue.  Kids should not try to handle everything alone.  

Believe it or not, handling conflict is a teachable moment and children learn by example.  It's called leadership.

Schools are also fighting an uphill battle and our pop culture is the biggest challenge.  Kids are being exposed to so much meanness and violence in what they watch and hear outside of school that it's almost impossible for them not to bring some of those behaviors into school.

Are we in denial?  Even young kids are playing inappropriate video games, watching reality shows,  are allowed on Facebook and have smart phones before they've developed good judgement.  For some reason, companies are getting away with marketing irresponsibly to our children and as parents, we are afraid to say "no."

We can't depend on schools to raise our kids.  

Any thoughts on how we build better parent-school relationships? 

Little Upstanders Make a Big Difference

Bullying prevention is complicated.  Sometimes it seems that it's bigger than all of us but it's not insurmountable.  We have an untapped army out there.  If we start training bystanders to start stepping up from an early age, we've got a shot at creating safe and caring school climates.

Read on.  We can learn from the pint-sized upstanders in this story.

I was talking to a mom of a six-year old yesterday.  Believe it or not, her first grader has been on the receiving end of true bullying behavior since Pre-K.  Everything from emotional manipulation to punching and kicking.

She admitted that in Pre-K her daughter was "a biter."  She didn't feel she could address this situation appropriately in Pre-K because she had to work on her own daughter first.  (Don't you love honest and realistic parents?) She was also a teacher before having children so she knew that what you do at home directly affects how a child acts in school.

Seems as if her own child matured beyond the biting stage but another little girl in her class didn't.  Now that they are in first grade, her little girl had already been this other girl's target for two years.  Once a light-hearted child ready and willing to go to school, my friend's daughter was having stomach aches.

The mom went to the teacher many times and although the teacher promised to keep an eye on it, the problem continued.  Like many bullying incidents, most of them were being done behind the teacher's back.

This seemed like a hopeless situation.  My friend was projecting a long and miserable school experience for her daughter.

The teacher was beginning to treat my friend like one of those moms.  She and the counselor started to blame the problem on her daughter being too sensitive.  (As my friend pointed out, anyone becomes sensitive after being mistreated for two years.)

What turned this bad situation around?  The little upstanders in the classroom.  Without "tattling," the other classmates set the teacher straight.  They told the teacher the truth.   Everything that my friend's child was trying to communicate to the teacher and counselor was true.

Then the principal stepped in.  She took the 6 year-olds at their word and the little girl was suspended for a few days. They're working on a strategy for the rest of the school year and next year.

Encouraging Our Little Bystanders To Be Upstanders  

Number One:  Make sure they know the difference between tattling and reporting.  The first is something you do to get someone in trouble; the second is telling the truth to make sure someone doesn't get hurt (emotionally or physically.)

Number Two:  Children know how to manipulate their parents.  Make sure they know that "telling" on a sibling or friend isn't cool if it's solely to get their brother, sister or friend in trouble.  Telling you about something that will be helpful to correct a situation is very different and should be encouraged.  (If you have siblings, I don't need to explain any further.  Most of us let a little jealousy get the best of us when we were kids.  That "green-eyed monster" is part of growing up but it needs to be called out.)

Number Three:  Catch them in the act of doing something good.  The children in that first grade class should be complimented for stepping up.  Of course, not at the cost of hurting their classmate's feelings (kids shouldn't be labeled as "bullies") but because they told the truth and it helped the situation.

Principals, teachers and counselors should be trained in nurturing little "upstanders."  It's called leadership.

Leadership is the anti-bully.

Parents and Children: Lessons on Leadership from Boston

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers

Boston.  Poor Boston. Poor parents trying to explain this to their children, especially after Newtown.

I am truly empathetic because, as a family living in New York, one of the hardest things about 9/11 was trying to steady myself so I could help my four children.

As a child, I was terrified about communism.  Truly terrified.  I didn't share how scared I was with my parents because everyone else seemed ok.  My seven siblings played and my parents went to their usual parties.  I, meanwhile, was convinced that communists, dressed in black, of course, would come in by boat (we lived on Lake Michigan) and would crawl up our yard from the beach and storm the house.  The Cuban Missile Crisis was probably what inspired my terror.  It's difficult to know how kids are affected by the news.

I understand how hard it is to be traumatized by the awful events this week in Boston and then help your kids with their fears.  It's the kids who don't say how scared they are that you might be worrying about most.

Here's a simple lesson I learned: Be active in the recovery.  When awful things like this happen, it can paralyze you and make it even harder to parent.

Kids also need to witness your empathy and strength and then be given a chance to practice leadership.   It can be as simple as drawing pictures or writing letters to the victims or their families or making a meal for someone who was somehow affected.   It can also be helping your child's school with some type of outreach campaign.  Let them help you.   Kids need to know that we can make things better even in small ways.  It gives them hope.

In hindsight, there probably wasn't a need for the thousands of pairs of socks or face masks that I helped my children's elementary school collect after 9/11 but it gave families a reason to snap out of their shock and do something.  More importantly, their kids were now shopping with them, away from the television and engaged in something positive and getting their power back.

I'm not a child psychologist but I'll tell you why I know this is important.  I was in an awkward position the Monday after the World Trade Center bombing.  I had some checks for the Red Cross that I had collected and I just wanted to deliver it to the principal and then "try to get back to normal (ha!)."  Since I lived across the street, I risked just throwing on sweats and running over to the school. No shower. No makeup. I don't think I even really had combed my hair.  (All things that I should have known better but I think a lot of moms can relate to that split second decision..."I won't run into anyone.  I'll just run in and out.")

The school secretary said the principal was in the gym.  What she didn't tell me was that she was holding an assembly for the 500+ students.  The principal was struggling.  It was eery because the kids weren't acting like kids.  They looked like little zombies.  Stunned and silent.  None of the usual squirming or smiles or bright eyes.

Mrs. Macula asked me to say something.  I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me?"  At that time, I was also afraid to do any public speaking and on top of that, I'm aware that I'm not looking much like an authority figure...and two of my kids are in the audience.

I literally prayed.  Please let me say something that will help.

I swear I had no control over the words coming out of my mouth.  I simply said,

You've already made things better.  There's evil in the world but you're good.  There are more good people than bad. 

I could literally feel the mood change in the gym.  As I was leaving the building, a young girl stepped up to me and said, "Mrs. Raisch, that was a good speech."

If it was comforting, I can't take any credit.  I'm being honest when I say that I was panicked but to this day, I'm grateful for those words.  All the kids had heard about for nearly a week was that people can be evil.

Kids can be reminded during these horrible times that they are leaders and they have power.  The smallest thing or person has the power to make things better.

Fred Rogers' mother knew the same thing.

God Bless You, Boston.

Untangling the Mess of Bullying

When Emily Bazelon's new book, Sticks and Stones, recently came out, it reignited the bullying prevention conversation.  It comes in ebbs and flows.  I can't comment on the book yet.  I'm hoping to get my copy soon but a recent interview in the Huffington Post made me want to pick up the phone and call her.

Why?  Because her answers were very balanced and reinforced the feeling I have about the entire subject.  She actually said "untangle" and of course, that made me want to read on.

We're doing our children a disservice if we look at this as a problem that we can just use a check list to fix.

Please read the piece.  It's short and to the point.  One of the questions asked is about the role of parents and I couldn't agree more.  We are giving the majority of the blame to schools and not talking about parents or the home...or I dare say, EARLY prevention.

So many books have come out lately about bullying.  I think that's great.  Awareness is the key but the next really important step is to start using ALL the tools at our disposal and start YOUNG.

There are so many reasons to start instilling leadership skills when children first start coming to school.  We can talk about bullying until we're blue in the face but if we don't start giving children skills to help them step up for themselves and for others when they're young, it's difficult to turn that ship around when they're in middle school.  Not impossible...but very difficult.

It's also a perfect age to engage parents in the leadership and learning process.  Parents tend to pay attention when their "little cupcake" is just starting out.  If we can help them make it a priority and part of school readiness, we'll be ahead of the game.  Parents grow right along with their kids.

As Ms. Bazelon points out, kids know the difference between "drama" and "bullying."  But do they know the difference between indifference and stepping up?  That's where we need to place our energies.

Leadership is the anti-bully.

A Love Letter to Myself

What does prevention mean in the bullying world?  Is it that we try to stop people from being mean to each other or is it that we help shield children and adults from the pain it causes.

It's a trick question.  I think it's both.

I was in a situation recently that made me think about the importance of blunting that long tail of pain.  How do we help people who've been belittled feel better?  How do we stop that horrible spiral that leaves you emotionally spent and feeling worthless?  (That's what skilled bullies do.  They're really good at it.  They know just the button and they go for it.)

No one is completely immune.

When it happened to me recently, it caused a horrible domino effect of bad.  No matter how I tried to push it out of my brain, it still caused heartache and doubt.  I wondered, 'How can kids put up with this?  How do they survive it?'  (Some kids don't.)

It sucked the joy out of my life -- temporarily.

It had a hold on me until I remembered something.  I'm awesome!

If we can get kids and even some grown up kids to remember those things about themselves that leave no doubt of their worth, if we can get them to write it down before some cruel person robs them of their joy, that's prevention.

This is what I said to the person who made me feel small:

Hold on a minute.  Do you realize that in my entire life, I've never set out to make anyone feel bad about anything?  I've raised four kids who make it a point to be nice to people.  Along the way, I've worked hard, done some good things and have left a good trail.  I deserve to be treated nicely.  

Phew.  I'm glad I remembered that before I got sucked into the mean vortex.

Now the trick is to get kids to write down why they're so great so when they're in a bullying emergency, they can get to that list and read it over and over.  Let's raise strong kids who never forget why they shouldn't be made to feel like the scum on the bottom of a shoe.

It's ok to say you expect to be treated well.

Young Kids, Bullying Prevention and Inspiring Leaders

What perfect timing.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month and this morning I had a great conversation with an elementary school principal.  She brought up a great point.  She was worried that kids seem to react the opposite way when they host a bullying prevention assembly in the school.

She says that during the days immediately following the assembly, she gets a flood of kids coming to her telling her hat they've been bullied but  somehow, the kids it was supposed to affect -- the kids who are actually being mean -- don't get the message at all.

This is not to say that all assemblies are bad.  It's possible that the messages that experts are delivering in assemblies are getting through to a certain number of kids but how do you make sustainable change in a school?

Just as there are multiple problems complicating the bullying issue, there are multiple solutions.  When I talk about solutions, I'm talking about ways to improve the school climate.  I don't think "bullying" can be wiped out completely but I do think we can change the balance in the school to one that feels safe and somewhat nurturing.  We also have to know how to help when a child has been bullied because it will continue to happen no matter what prevention measures you put into place.  The goal is to have every child feel confident -- but they will never be totally immune to mean behavior.

I think the focus has to change from "bullying" to "leadership," especially when you're talking to kids K-8.

Last week, my friend Nancy and I went to an evening sponsored by NBC's outreach effort, Education Nation.  The topic was bullying and it was co-hosted by correspondent, Kate Snow.  One of the guest panelists was Izzy Kalman, founder of Bullies2Buddies.  He is a self-described opponent of the anti-bully movement.  His theory is that we have to start teaching kids to stand up for themselves.  He says it's the frustration of being a victim that leads to bad things -- like mass shootings and self harm.

His counterpart on the panel was Thomas Krever, Executive Director of the Hetrick-Martin Institute and although they disagreed on some of the approaches to kids being bullied, they seemed to come to a similar conclusion.

Although they didn't say it in these exact words, it comes down to teaching kids to be leaders.

Sound simple?  Simple concept and a lot of hard work to get there.  It has to start really young.  Pre-K and Kindergarten are not too early.

Leadership is the anti-bully.  If we can teach children from a young age how to be leaders,  there will be a better climate in the classroom.  A happier place leads to a more thoughtful place.  I really think all teachers and parents should read Stan Davis's book,  Schools Where Everyone Belongs.

In a way, I wish October could be We Need More Leaders month.  To that end, there are free materials and suggestions on the Tangled Ball site.  Free because it's really important that we work together to give children back their childhoods.

(By the way, I hope Kate Snow has recovered.  Ms. Snow is no stranger to news stories about bullying but I don't think she could have been ready for the raw emotions that spilled over that night.  Although kids were in the room, it was the adults that shared the most about the scars that cruel behavior has left behind.  It was a reminder why it's so important to keep going.)

Teach Teachers Tech: A Platform for Good

Raise your hand if you think we're experiencing a generation gap in this country.  How many of you admit that your child (even your young child) knows more about navigating cyberspace than you do -- a lot more.

Our kids are throwing themselves headlong into this new neighborhood of technology while many of us are holding on to the comfort of the old country (and things are moving so fast that email could be considered an old-fashioned way to communicate!).

Although we're catching up, our kids have raced ahead.  

We have two options on how we feel about this:  

Door #1:   total paralyzing fear

or

Door #2:   acceptance and embracing it as a teachable moment for both you and your child or student

(If we're experiencing this at home, make no mistake, teachers are feeling the gap, too, and there are so many benefits to using technology in the classroom.)

If you can give in and choose Door #2, I have a great tip for you.  Go to the newly-launched Platform for Good, created by the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI).  The teacher's site, in particular, is awesome. It introduces a concept that I totally believe in:  Make the Kids the Teachers.  It's called Teach Teachers Tech (TTT). 

This is a great idea because adults need the help and kids want to show us what they know.   (In my pilot program -- Be the One -- older kids teach the younger ones about leadership and how to step up for one another.  Kids are the experts in their own worlds.)

It's ok to give up a little control.  It's ok that they're better than us at something.  It doesn't mean that they don't still need us to help them navigate but we need to know where they're going first.  It's also the best online safety tool.  I always suggest that parents ask kids to take them for a tour of their online world.  Be proud of them.  It's the quickest way to get the inside scoop...and gain their trust.

There's a lot of good in the new neighborhood.  We need to be familiar with all aspects and not just the negative ones.  If we only focus on the dangers, we'll lose out on all it has to offer.  And speaking of the dangers, if we understand the new neighborhood better, we are more skilled in steering them away from the dark alleys.

A final tip:  Be a Good Student because that will make you a Better Parent and a Fantastic Teacher.

Eureka!  The gap gets smaller.

In the words of A Platform for Good, this is your chance to Connect, Share and Do Good.

 

A New School Year. How's it Going?

It's a new school year and for those of you who are reading this and didn't have such a great year last year, I hope things are much better this year.  Things can change.  Sometimes the mix of the students in a classroom changes, sometimes they can get a more understanding and patient teacher, sometimes they find new friends.

Whatever it is, enjoy it.

And for those of you who are worried that things haven't changed at all, I am so sorry.  This post isn't about the kids as much as it's about you.

Parents worry and worrying can make us sick.  When our kids are unhappy, it's hard to feel joy.

I often talk about being the Be the One Go-To Trusted Adult for kids but I think adults need a trusted adult, too.  Often, bullying is hard to talk about with others, even other parents.  Although you may have a good group of friends, it can be difficult to discuss it if their kids aren't experiencing the same thing.  It almost feels like you and your child are singled out.  It can be very isolating and who wants to feel like a "loser."  No one.  Child or adult.

But just as kids shouldn't feel alone, neither should the parents.  It's good to reach out to other people who can genuinely sympathize, offer perspective and some general support.

And if you're not experiencing a particular issue with bullying this year but understand it all too well, try to reach out to the moms and dads who are tied up in knots over their children's sadness caused by meanness from peers.  Sometimes it just takes a smile -- and the knowledge that you can keep a confidence -- to give other parents the energy they need to support their children and to keep pushing through.

I am sending you good wishes for all good things as this year unfolds.

If You Had To Choose Two Best Pieces of Bullying Prevention Advice

Last week, I spoke to a local Rotary Club (by the way, they do great work for the community) and during the question and answer session, one member asked me what my best piece of advice was for a parent of a child getting ready to start middle school.   He alluded that this child had thick glasses and wasn't the coolest cat in town by middle school standards.

When you only have time to give one piece of advice, what would yours be?  Mine was sharing with him a piece of advice that I had come across a few years ago:

Make sure your kids have a few different groups of friends.  

That made sense to me because although you can't always prevent bullying, you can prevent your kids being devastated by bullying if they feel good about themselves somewhere and with someone.

The other question was similar but this time it was about cyberbullying and it came from the same father.  Smart guy.  He realizes that his son or daughter is about to enter a new expanded neighborhood.  What was the first thing that popped in my head?

Make sure the computer is in a public spot.

I also slipped in the advice about asking your child to take you for a tour of what they do on the computer...and also how to train them to take their hands off the keyboard as soon as they see a message they don't like.  Taking a breath and telling an adult are key things to tell your child to do.

I'm just curious.  Bullying and online safety are big subjects.  If you only had 1 minute to share,  what would be your best pieces of advice?

And if you're already back in school, best of luck for a year full of many smiles.

Help Aurora Shooting Victim Petra Anderson

Please share this with anyone and everyone you know who was stunned, shocked and saddened about the Aurora shootings.  We can help.

If we can ban together and raise $700,000 for Karen Klein, the bullied school bus monitor, we can also step up to prove that what happened in Aurora isn't the shooter's story.  It's the story of people who got hurt and the people who stepped up to help.  Click on the Ready to Believe: Anderson Relief Fund in above box to hear Petra Anderson's story told by her sister Chloe.

If you choose to help, make that the teachable moment for your kids -- not the fear of going to a movie -- but the job we have as a nation and a community to show that kindness is what gets us back on our feet.  Give them the sense that real power is in showing we care.

Tragedy, Teachable Moments and Empathy

I couldn't bring myself to write a post over the weekend.  I was stunned and sickened and saddened at what happened in Aurora, Colorado.  I'm sure you were, too.

Like everyone else, I'm not sure how to process it.

The only thing I can say is that we won't know what provoked this but we do know how we should react to it.  With empathy.  Deep and genuine empathy.

This is the tricky part.  How do we talk about it with our tweens and teens without scaring them but using it as a moment to help them understand that these were real people and that it's not just a news story?

When I begin to worry that our country is becoming immune to other people's pain, I think of Karen Klein, the grandmother who was heartlessly bullied on the bus by middle school students.  When the video went viral recently, so did the sympathy and support.  It was announced today that the vacation fund for the school bus monitor, started by a stranger from Canada, was closed at $700,000.

Bad things happen...and in the case of Colorado, horrific things happen.  In the case of Karen Klein, parents all over the country and even internationally, were using this as a teachable moment.

In the case of the Aurora shootings, it's not an easy fix.  We can't send someone on vacation and make it all better.

But what can we do?

This article by teen expert and psychologist Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D, gives us a little guidance on how to talk to our kids and how to inspire them to reach out.

Empathy is the anti-bully.

(Is your flag at half-mast?  President Obama has asked that we put our flags at half-mast until sunset on July 25th to honor the victims.)