An Elephant in the Room: Reality TV and Bullying

NPR's story: Facing Up  to Bullying Everywhere but on Reality TV brings up something that has bothered my for the past several years.

How is it possible to even make a dent in the bullying issue in schools when kids and parents are watching reality TV?  Reality TV not only makes “mean” acceptable, it glorifies mean behavior.

A common thing I still hear is, “Bullying has been around forever.  Kids just have to buck up.”

Bullying has been around forever.  True.  But first of all, that doesn’t make it any less horrible…and secondly,  it wasn’t seen as “cool” so pervasively and I think we have reality TV to thank in part for that.

And it’s not just kids watching.  It’s parents watching Jersey Shore,  Real Housewives of Everywhere, etc., etc.  Even the cooking shows are mean!  Cupcake Wars.  Really?  Our society has gotten to the point where we can make a cupcake a weapon?  I almost feel sick that we’ve pushed the boundaries so far that now it’s “normal.”

People are afraid of entertainment executives.  Me included.  We should be afraid of a group of people who sit around a room together and decide how to make people cry for fun.  

I only have two pieces of advice.  Turn off the TV…and two, explain to your kids that mean should not be their “reality.” And maybe there's a third.  If you feel the same way I do, send the message any way you can that television has gone too far. 

The Real Housewives or the Real Bullies. You decide!

I was in the television business for many years and loved it. But television is one of those things that as a parent, you have to take seriously. Even if none of the other parents seemed to be disturbed about what their kids saw, I will be eternally grateful that I did care. Of course, my four kids tease me unmercifully about my attitude towards the tube when they were little but I take it like a man because I know that at the very least, it made them think about what they were watching. (Not that they always followed the guidelines. When I would walk in from work, I would hear them nearly killing themselves by leaping over furniture to turn it off before I could get upstairs. Naturally, the remote was always lost.)

Now that I'm completely immersed in the bullying prevention field, my concerns are not just for my own kids, but all kids. No matter what anyone says, I think most reality shows encourage crazy amounts of meanness. Plain and simple.

The other day, I tripped over this blog post written by Sally Berenzweig, one of the co-founders of KidSafe Foundation and asked if I could repost it because I think it's spot on. Here it is:


Ok, I admit it..I watch the Real Housewives and I am a little embarrassed about it. Those that know me may be surprised…my family (well not my sisters because they watch it too) Friends? (Well not my closest because they too watch) But I am sure colleagues might be surprised. But I do watch it and I had to write this blog after watching “The Real Housewives New York Reunion” last night.

Now I may be a little late in the game for just writing this because I tape the show and don’t know when it was first aired(another slight embarrassment) So, last night as my husband is falling asleep and I am up I start watching. Not 10 minutes into the show I feel my blood pressure rising. My husband picks his head up and says “Oh my g-d they are so mean!” and I realized these women are bullies.

So now the importance of the blog…..I start thinking ….What are these women modeling for their children?
· To speak their mind…yet not to care how another will feel about what their saying!
· To be strong…yet always at the expense of others.
· To stand up for what they believe in…and to talk over people until they see things your way.
· To tell the truth…but be mean-spirited as you tell it..
· To not listen to others because they don’t agree? To me, that speaks Bully, and that is what they are modeling for their children…how to be a bully (and boy are they good at it)
If I had the opportunity to ask each and every one of these women what have they taught their children about how to treat other people. I am sure that they would say they want their children to treat others with respect, dignity, empathy and kindness. But if you watch that is not at all what they are modeling for their children. As I am watching I wonder to myself when they look back on this footage are they embarrassed? Do they wish they did things differently? Do they realize they are the “Mean Girls?”

All I know is that I don’t want my child to be a bully or a bystander – I want him to be the kid that helps his friend who is being bullied. I want my child to treat people the way he wants to be treated – with respect, dignity, empathy and kindness and that is why I try to model that behavior for him. Children do what we do. Not what we say, and I guess at the end of the day that is why I wrote this blog. For us as parents to ask ourselves what kind of children are we raising? Act how you want your child to act – Model good behavior.

Now I know the Real Housewives shows have millions of viewers and I am one of them. Why are we watching? This is something I will have to explore further at another time. If for nothing else. It made a good blog!

ps. I promised my business partner that I would share that she has never watched any of these shows.

10 Seconds in Bullying Prevention: Turn Off the TV

This is a short -- but definitely not sweet -- post.

Scenario 4:

Just flip through the channels any time of day and you'll realize that it's possible your kids are watching any number of "reality" shows that promote mean-spiritedness. You won't have any trouble finding these shows and you won't have to go too far up the channel lineup to get a wake-up call. (It's hard to admit you're watching TV in the afternoon but tell your friends it's research!)

It takes a little bravery but when your kids are watching shows that are based on people being mean to each other, it's ok to tell them to "turn it off." But first explain that it's not "reality." (Unless they keep watching and then it may become their reality.)

All in all, that takes about 10 seconds.

American Academy of Pediatrics recently came out with new guidelines on media use and children. Really worth the more than 10 seconds (but only a minute or two) to read.

Depending on how old your kids are, Common Sense Media, is a great resource. Good to go to before telling your kids they can turn the TV back on.

(And do you want to hear something funny? When I just went to publish this post, the google ad to the right was about "What's on TV today!" I actually find that hysterical.)

Click Here But Have Tissues Ready

A New Low..Boy with CP Being Tormented by Classmates...

I usually try to stay upbeat but this story has me reeling with anger. How can this happen? A 15-year old boy with cerebral palsy being emotionally humiliated and physically abused by classmates -- since 3rd grade????

By the way, one of the most disturbing aspects of this abuse is holding him down and pouring dog food in his mouth. Barbaric. But we're letting it happen.

As Bill Cosby would say, "Come on, people!". We need to start recognizing that we are raising an angry society and the line just keeps getting crossed.

No one stepped in??? It's a simple lesson for everyone -- Don't let things like this happen. Say something. Do Something. Anything.

And talk to your children about never engaging in cruel behavior even as a "bystander." Watching and/or knowing and not doing anything about it is cruel in itself.

We're not saying enough to our children to make them aware of right and wrong. We're abdicating our responsibility and letting entertainment take over. Kids are watching enough "reality" tv to presume that the mean behavior they see IS reality. It's not...yet. But because we don't explain that it's not or simply turn the tv off, it's slowly but surely becoming reality. Somehow kids in the U.S. are getting the message that mean is somewhat "cool."

Irresponsible producers will never see the light and do the right thing. So Step Up Parents. Step Up Kids. And Step Up Schools. This should be breaking all of our hearts.