Bullying: What "Drama" Means

Just watching Mean Girls. Whoa! The drama! Do your middle or high school kids come home talking about drama? Is all drama equal?...or is it code for "bullying."

Researcher Danah Boyd and Alice Marwick sets us straight in this week's New York Time's blog Bullying as Drama:

Jamey recognized that he was being bullied and asked explicitly for help, but this is not always the case. Many teenagers who are bullied can’t emotionally afford to identify as victims, and young people who bully others rarely see themselves as perpetrators. For a teenager to recognize herself or himself in the adult language of bullying carries social and psychological costs. It requires acknowledging oneself as either powerless or abusive.

In our research over a number of years, we have interviewed and observed teenagers across the United States. Given the public interest in cyberbullying, we asked young people about it, only to be continually rebuffed. Teenagers repeatedly told us that bullying was something that happened only in elementary or middle school. “There’s no bullying at this school” was a regular refrain."

Older kids tend to think bullying is "kid stuff." In high school it's called "drama."

If we don't understand how kids explain what's happening in their lives, then we can't ask the right questions or be there for them in the right ways.

When kids talk about "drama," check out their body language, ask questions and whether they call it "bullying" or not, if it's mean drama, there's a good chance there's pain behind it. It's not that we should be "in their business," but cancel that...we should be in their business, especially when we can remind them that they're valued.

And as I've always said to my kids, "Save the drama for your mama." (And if you're thinking, that makes no sense, you may be right. I just said it to make them laugh.)

Bullying: If You Could Be Honest With Other Parents...

Parents have a HUGE role in raising non bullies; protecting their children from long term bullying; and standing up for other people's children.

The elephant in the room is how parents of targets feel about parents of bullies. Especially if the parent of the target has been brave enough to approach the other parent in a rational way.

So here's a chance to be honest (not cruel or crass, just honest) and say what you need to say.

"When I talked to (parent of bully) they defended their child by saying, "___________________________."

"It would be so helpful if they would ____________________________________________________________."

Wake up, parents. No one ever wants to hear, "kids will be kids," especially if your kid is beating up or spreading rumors about my kid. That's NOT what our expectation should be of kids. And this is what I have to say when parents say that to me: "In that case, parents should be parents."

The New York Times' blog regarding bullying and cyberbullying is great but the comments are even better. Check out "Jim M.'s" comment. He's #14 and my new hero.

It's admirable when parents are not in denial about their children's behavior. As a matter of fact, those are the kids, when corrected, who will probably be leaders. So be a leader and raise a leader. When another parent approaches you about your child's behavior, be open to what they have to say. Don't go overboard. Listen to your child's side and then make an informed judgment. If you child is at fault, this is a great teachable moment.

You're the chief but you're also part of the village.

EXTRA! EXTRA! New York Times and Tangled Ball

It would be time well spent to read this article which touches on a range of pertinent questions about bullying, prevention and response. But the readers' comments on the NYT web health blog are mind blowing. It’s clear by the comments that the effects of bullying last a lifetime. Do they have to?

Click
Here to see it!

Appeared in New York Times Comments on June 9, 2009:

Fantastic article and extremely worthy of discussion. 
Bullying is a “tangled ball.” In some situations, it is easily untangled and in others, it’s knotted and extremely complicated. It will take health professionals, parents, schools, law enforcement, judicial system, and internet providers, to add their voices, their expertise, their interest and their money to come up with real answers.

In the meantime, children are suffering every day. We, as adults, can’t wait for change to help kids who are being affected as we speak. As parents, friends, mentors, teachers and mature adults, we can make a big difference in real time by paying attention, picking up on any signs of sadness and caring enough to ask the right questions, to learn to be patient enough to hear the answers and to help in whatever way possible.

Just knowing someone cares can lift some of the burden. The ” tangled ball” blog was started to dissect one bullying incident at a time by describing actual bullying challenges and get the experts to weigh in with effective advice. http://tangledball.blogspot.com/

We can all help to lift the burden one child, one home, one school at a time while we work on national initiatives.
— Susan Raisch (Tangled Ball)