Where Can You Buy a Refrigerator AND Get Help in Bullying Prevention? Sears.

Sears officially launched its Team Up to Stop Bullying campaign a few days ago.  This is a comprehensive effort to not only address the problem but to offer solutions.

The site is clever and offers resources for all key people:  students, families, educators and even a special section for cyberbullying victims.

I have to say that just three years ago when I started to devote the majority of my time to this issue, many people looked at me like I had two heads but over time, and perhaps due to the horrible bullycides that have plagued our country and our kids, more influential people are coming on board.

Enter Sears.  I was thrilled but curious about why this huge company decided to take on bullying.  Marie Newman, Managing Director of the Team Up to Stop Bullying campaign, talked to me the day after the effort officially launched:

"Sears has stepped up to create Team Up To Stop Bullying to address parents, kids, families and schools' need for bullying solutions. While there is an all-time high in awareness, it is important for parents, kids and educators to know there are many existing solutions that work. Those solutions can be found on our website via our 55 bullying solution coalition members. Find bullying solutions and information at sears.com/teamup."

What I really like about it is that it's inclusive.  There are many great experts out there doing good work but not enough people know about them.  Sears has created a one-stop shopping experience for anyone  -- child, parent or school -- who needs help to address their personal situation.  Bullying is a tangled ball -- complicated and messy -- and I thank Sears for stepping up and being willing to offer many solutions to one big problem.

A New Year Brings New Possibilities in Bullying Prevention

Hopefully, more children won't have take their own lives in 2011 in order for us to remain vigilant about bullying prevention.

Three years ago after going to my first Family Online Safety Institute conference in D.C. and then the International Bullying Prevention Association meeting in Indianapolis, I came away with several thoughts:

• There should be one conference that discusses both: bullying offline and online. Kids see it as all one seamless community. For those being bullied in the schoolyard and then online, it's all one big heartache.

Good News: This year I noticed a shift. Experts are starting to talk about kid's online and offline lives as one life. It's a concept that's a little hard for adults to understand but is key for prevention.

• Bullying Prevention messages need to be mainstreamed to the general public. There are great experts doing fantastic work but not enough people know about the tools that are available. Are any of those tools the entire solution? Absolutely not. But if we can help a handful of kids in every school in America, we're talking about thousands.

Here's my pick of the day: Steps to Respect. Check out their materials. I believe in early prevention and also involving the entire school community, including teachers and parents, so I was impressed. Pre-K through elementary school is where it's at if we want to nip some of the abusive behavior in the bud.

In a recent study, researchers found that Steps to Respect helped lower incidences of bullying, such as gossip and spreading rumors by 72%.

According to the study:

When students' playground gossip was observed in the spring, children in the Steps to Respect classrooms had 234 fewer instances of gossip per class of 25, or a 72 percent decrease in gossip among students who had gossiped before participating in the anti-bullying program.

Even if it was half that percentage, it's worth a shot. (Anecdotally and surprisingly, spreading rumors is one of the top reasons given when I ask kids in fourth and fifth grades what bothers them most.)

I'd really like to hear from teachers and/or parents who've used the Steps to Respect materials. My goal is to share any and all tools and information that will make a difference.

Here's to a happy, healthy...and lighthearted 2011!

Bullying: A Survey and Video For Everyone

1. When I get up in the morning and get ready to go to school, I hope that I:

A. Will feel anxious
B. Will be disrespected
C. Will feel that I have no friends
D. Will feel that no one understands
E. None of the above

2. When I go to the lunchroom, I hope that:

A. Kids will not make room for me at the table
B. They will tease me about my lunch
C. They will make me feel unwanted and uncomfortable
D. They will make inside jokes to make me feel I’m not part of the group
E. None of the above

3. When I go out to recess, I hope that:

A. I will not be included in any games
B. I will be left to walk around by myself and feel alone
C. People will call me names
D. I will feel sad because everyone else is looking happy
E. None of the above

4. When I go to the restroom, I hope:

A. I will be nervous because there is no adult supervision
B. Others will try to embarrass me
C. Kids will try to get me in trouble
D. Kids will shove me
E. None of the above

5. When I am in the classroom, I hope:

A. I am made to feel stupid
B. People will pass notes about me
C. People will whisper things about me when the teacher isn’t looking
D. People will act upset when my desk is changed and put next to theirs
E. None of the above

6. When I go on the bus, I hope:

A. Things are out of control
B. People give me a hard time and no one tells them to stop
C. No one sits next to me
D. Kids step on my backpack and make me feel scared
E. None of the above

7. When I am on a team or after school activity, I hope:

A. People ignore me
B. Kids on the team make me feel bad when I make a mistake
C. Kids leave me out when they leave after the game to hang out together
D. Kids don’t cheer for me
E. None of the above

8. When I’m having a hard day and people are being mean, I hope:

A. That someone gives me eye contact and smiles
B. That someone lets me in their circle and doesn’t turn their back
C. That someone tells the person who is being mean to cut it out
D. That someone lets me join their group
E. That someone gives me a compliment
F. That someone stops the gossip
G. That someone doesn’t laugh when I fall and helps me up
H. That someone understands
I. Am That Someone.


Please Note: the last item should be read aloud and remembered.

Now imagine that NO ONE stepped up. The following video is from a full length documentary in production by award-winning director Lee Hirsch called The Bully Project: A Year In the Life Of America's Bullying Crisis.



(c) Tangled Ball 2010

Preventing Bullying on a Budget

Since most every school has a bullying problem, why doesn't every school have a prevention program?

Denial on the part of administrators, lack of interest by parents, teacher cooperation and money are some of the top reasons but none of them are good enough.

As for parents, a few parents can make a big difference. If you're reading this, it's clear that you're interested. Find a few other parents who feel the same way. Research activities.

Many teachers have compassion and understand that students do better work when they feel respected and the general atmosphere is nurturing. Unfortunately, some teachers don't. As a matter of fact, some teachers add to the problem. It's just a fact. But engage the teachers who "get it." You can't change the school 100% but you can change the balance.

If money is a problem (and it almost always is), get creative.

Consider a "Leadership Program" to focus on the importance of the bystander and empower them to step up. Older kids can mentor younger kids. I started one of these programs in a school recently. There are many good children's books about the right way to treat each other. Two of these are "Have You Filled A Bucket Today?" and "One." When the older kids read these with the younger kids, the message is delivered to both. "Have You Filled a Bucket Today? has a wide variety of activities that can be downloaded for free.

Of course, not one of these ideas is the magic bullet. But they are a way of starting TODAY. To be successful, bullying prevention programs have to include everyone: administrators, teachers, parents, students, coaches, and even lunch monitors and it has to be consistent and constant. It's overwhelming but starting small and doing things that include as many as possible is much better than doing nothing. Programs like Olweus are the preferred way to go: it includes training and is sustainable. But if you can't find the money or you can't get the teachers to jump on board, don't let it stop you.

Every child deserves to be protected and supported. Don't let excuses get in the way.

Tomorrow, I'll post some links to free resources for online safety. Bullying doesn't end in the schoolyard anymore.

Seriously, We Have to Get Young Kids Off Facebook...

Common Sense Media came up with a great list of Facebook alternatives. A growing problem for parents is how to say "No" to Facebook but "Yes" to social media. We have to get together on this, parents. Safety in numbers.

To repeat: The minimum age for Facebook is 13 but many parents are letting their children lie about their age and create Facebook pages. (Personally, I think 13 is still too young but check out my post from last week -- no need to bore you, especially since if you're reading this, you probably already agree.) Parents are being nagged to the point they'll give in. It's the old "But Everybody's On Facebook." And if we don't stop it soon, it will be completely true.

Next step is to think about solutions.

Will the alternatives be enough to get kids off Facebook? My super duper consultant, Catherine V. agreed to look at each one and weigh in. A popular and smart but empathetic 13-year old, Catherine knows what will fly and what won't. She hasn't let me down yet.

Catherine V. went through each site from the Common Sense list and told me whether girls and boys would use it (as opposed to only girls or only boys) and what ages she thinks they would appeal to. Here's what she has to say. This is important because to be a social network, it actually has to be social.

Take it away, Catherine:

My Secret Circle: Young girls ages 8 to 11

Yoursphere: Young boys and girls ages 9 to 12

FaceChipz: Young boys and girls ages 10 to 12

JitterFingers: Girls ages 11 to 12

Glogster: Girls ages 13 to 14

Posterous: Boys and girls ages 13 to 15

YourCause: Boys and girls ages 13 to 15

Ning: Boys and girls ages 14 to 16

think.mtv: Boys and girls ages 14 to 18

Blerp: Boys and girls ages 15 to 18

"My favorite website was think.mtv because it was a website that teenage boys and girls could use, and MTV is already a known name. Since it is a known name, it would catch on faster, and it is basically the same as any other social networking site. Personally, I would use this website, and I think many of my friends would. It is also a "trendy" website and up-to-date with this generation.

The worst website was My Secret Circle. It's not that it's bad, it's just I don't think I or any or my friends would ever use it at this age. It's more of a childrens website, and I think it's actually a great website, just for a much younger age."

You may want to take a few minutes and check these out yourself. If there's one you like more than another, talk to the other parents in the class. Get everyone involved in a social network that will provide privacy, fun and low risk for Cyber bullying. But remember, the best antidote to cyber bullying is to first and foremost talk to your kids about your own house rules on how to treat others. Tell them to expect the same from their friends. They won't get this by osmosis. You actually have to make a point of it.

Thanks Catherine V. for doing some of the work for parents!

GOOD NEWS...Things got better for Tricia...

Remember Tricia? (Click on May Archive to the right for the full story.) Well, I heard from her mom...and guess what? Things are better at school. Both Tricia and her mom are in disbelief. It seems that how she said...or something she said...on the bus on the way home from the school trip clicked with a few of the kids. Shock of all shocks, one of the girls recently invited Tricia to her birthday party and a boy invited her to his party in August.

As life goes, Tricia couldn't go to the girl's party because she was going to be out of town. (Don't you just hate that, parents?! Just when you think you have everything planned and organized, something important comes up for your kids...and you're conflicted!)

Guess what smart thing Tricia's mom did, though? The two of them went out and bought the girl a gift and dropped it off at her house. The girl actually hugged Tricia.

Thought you could use a good ending. And it's true.

The moral of this story is to listen to your child, don't let anger blind you and hang in there!

Feel free to write your story and we'll get the experts to weigh in. No kidding. Vent a little. (Just go to right hand column and click on "Good News...Things got better for Tricia" in the blog archive and a comment box will appear at the bottom. No need to use your real name if you don't want to.)

EXTRA! EXTRA! New York Times and Tangled Ball

It would be time well spent to read this article which touches on a range of pertinent questions about bullying, prevention and response. But the readers' comments on the NYT web health blog are mind blowing. It’s clear by the comments that the effects of bullying last a lifetime. Do they have to?

Click
Here to see it!

Appeared in New York Times Comments on June 9, 2009:

Fantastic article and extremely worthy of discussion. 
Bullying is a “tangled ball.” In some situations, it is easily untangled and in others, it’s knotted and extremely complicated. It will take health professionals, parents, schools, law enforcement, judicial system, and internet providers, to add their voices, their expertise, their interest and their money to come up with real answers.

In the meantime, children are suffering every day. We, as adults, can’t wait for change to help kids who are being affected as we speak. As parents, friends, mentors, teachers and mature adults, we can make a big difference in real time by paying attention, picking up on any signs of sadness and caring enough to ask the right questions, to learn to be patient enough to hear the answers and to help in whatever way possible.

Just knowing someone cares can lift some of the burden. The ” tangled ball” blog was started to dissect one bullying incident at a time by describing actual bullying challenges and get the experts to weigh in with effective advice. http://tangledball.blogspot.com/

We can all help to lift the burden one child, one home, one school at a time while we work on national initiatives.
— Susan Raisch (Tangled Ball)

Our Experts and Joshua's Dilemma

SuEllen Fried, founder of Bully Safe USA bullysafeusa, author and respected national and international speaker on the topic of child abuse and bullying, addressed the issue of sibling bullying at the 2008 International Bullying Prevention Association Conference attended by educators, legislators, law enforcement officers and psychologists...and me. Her presentation struck a cord with almost everyone in the room. Although the audience was comprised of professionals attending to expand their professional skills, the topic hit a very personal, and not often discussed, note.

SuEllen generously agreed to weigh in on Joshua’s tough situation at school and at home:

Sibling Bullying:
Research indicates a strong connection between sibling bullying and peer bullying. More than half of victims of bullying by siblings were involved in bullying behavior at school. The sibling relationship is the most long lasting of all relationships and according to studies, the most violent. Fifty-three out of every 100 children abuse siblings. As our society was in denial about peer bullying for centuries, so are we in denial about the devastation of sibling bullying.

Consequences:
Clearly, Joshua's parents need to step in to support and protect him. The abuse of power he is experiencing - from the sins of commission from his brothers and the sins of omission from his parents, plus bullying at school leaves him in great pain. The pain cycle can turn to rage and revenge, or it can turn to depression and suicide. When a family becomes involved in scapegoating, the target becomes a sacrifice for the unresolved aggression issues of the other family members. Everyone pays a long-term price.

Strategies:
The school's decision to transfer the bullying students to another class is a good step, but more is required. The school needs to make sure that the "bullies" are not allowed to find another target in their new class and steps need to be taken to increase Joshua's belief in himself or he will send messages of vulnerability to other students who might be quick to turn on him. The school needs to adopt a strong bullying prevention and intervention program and the parents need to understand how important it is for them to become engaged in building a cohesive, caring, compassionate family system.

Testing:
In regard to Joshua's low grades, testing might uncover a learning disability of some kind that is holding him back. There are numerous tests that might pinpoint a specific need and an appropriate intervention that could make an enormous difference in Joshua's life. It is extremely important to reach out to Joshua before he enters middle school with all of its challenges.

SuEllen Fried’s books are co-written with her daughter, Paula Fried, Ph.D., Clinical Psychology. Bullies and Victims, Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield and Bullies, Targets and Witnesses: Helping Children Break the Pain Chain” are thoughtful, well researched and worth the read. The sibling abuse chapter (Ch. 7) in Bullies and Victims gives great insight.

School Bullying Expert Weighs In!

Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs: Practical Strategies for Reducing Bullying stopbullyingnow kindly agreed to give his expert opinion on Tricia’s bullying situation. His book is extremely well researched; he actually works in a school, actually likes kids and has actually lowered the bullying rate at his and other schools.

Stan’s thoughts on Tricia’s mom’s approach:

Be Careful How You Advise
First, he cautions, kids go to adults only because they’ve tried to handle the problem in multiple ways first and couldn’t. Adults have to be very careful on how to advise kids who’ve already tried different approaches, such as “yelling back and not taking any nonsense.” You don’t want to make them feel like they’re failing at the solution.

Don’t Empathize with the Bully
But, he told me, it’s great that Tricia’s mom didn’t empathize with the bullies. So many parents make the mistake of explaining the bully’s behavior in kind ways, such as “they didn’t mean it,” or “they were feeling bad about themselves.” As Stan puts it, “tormentors don’t need that type of support.” Reserve that empathy for the kids being tormented.

Bullying Can Drive Parents Crazy
Stan also understands why Tricia’s mom stood up and confronted the kids on the bus. She was desperate to solve something. Since the school’s actions were ineffective, Tricia’s mom needed something to happen. But, Stan says, “It probably won’t work.”

Schools Should Mirror Workplaces
Schools have to create strict guidelines that mirror the workplace where workers are not allowed to impede the work process and adversely affect the financial bottom line. The bottom line at schools is the learning process.
Just having teachers randomly talk to kids about bullying goes nowhere. As Stan says, “That’s like having Nancy Reagan stand up and tell people not to take drugs.”

They don’t listen.

Tangled Ball’s bottom line: The school needs Stan’s book

Tricia's Story: What's Your Take?

Let’s start with a school in New York: Tricia's Story

Tricia, a smart, quiet seventh grader has been constantly taunted for two years. Her classmates tease her about everything from what she wears to her bushy eyebrows. She sits alone at lunch and Tricia’s classmates make sure to ignore her in the hallways or “accidentally” bump into her.

Tricia has started to put herself down and is feeling “ugly” and “dumb.” Mom, an extrovert, advises her introverted daughter: “Just yell back at them when they tease and take no nonsense.”

The “nonsense” continues and after many letters and phone calls to the school administration with no results, her mother’s patience wears thin. She asks Tricia if she could talk to the kids directly and, surprisingly, Tricia encourages it. So on the way home from a school trip to an amusement park, Tricia’s mom stands up, asks the teacher if she could say a few words, and to the amazement of all on the bus, Tricia’s mom is blunt. She calls out the entire class and the boisterous mood turns to shock. As they squirm in their seats, Tricia’s mom tells them in no uncertain terms that she knows what they’re doing and they better stop.

Right or wrong? Stay tuned for the next Tangled Ball blog when we ask the experts to weigh in.

The Tangled Ball Theory

Flipping through the channels or reading the paper, the subject of bullying seems to be getting more and more attention. Even Oprah is tackling it. But when I started to research it for myself after watching Columbine unfold, I realized it was so much more than stereotypical Jock-Or-Nerd social strife. It’s about superiority, inferiority, self-esteem, empowerment, communication, sadness and a lot of confusion.

In short, it’s a tangled ball.

I have a library of books and have been in and out of many meetings and conventions across the country about all types of bullying. After all of the reading, listening and networking, one thing is clear: there is no “one size fits all” solution. Each strand, each perspective needs to be “untangled” one home at a time.

So here’s the first example of a bullying situation. Each bullying situation is different but it happens absolutely everywhere. Obviously, we’re not crazy enough to use real names but everything else is true. We’ll spell out the situation and how adults handled it.

Next, we’ll bring in the experts.