Leadership. One tweet at a time.

Teen uses tweets to compliment his classmates

A simple concept with a powerful result, especially since it's teenage boys who are sticking up for others online.

Courage comes in all ways.  Sometimes it takes guts to be nice.

It's the coward who is involved in shaming. 

Kids need to be taught -- and shown -- the difference.  That's all there is to it.

When You Want to Choke Your Child's Facebook Bully

How many can relate to the mom from St. Petersburg, Florida who was arrested last week for choking her daughter's online tormentor?

From the NY Daily News Report:

"I just snapped," Piscitella wrote on Facebook. "Yes I shouldn't have done that, but you all do not even come close to understanding all the torment they have put my child through."

Piscitella said the boy wrote "disgusting" comments below a photo of her daughter, calling her “a fat f---ing whale” who “didn’t deserve to live because she is so nasty that he wouldn’t even rape her.”

"When someone is CONSTANTLY BULLYING YOUR DAUGHTER for no reason what so ever and NOTHING is done about it EVER is that ok?" Piscitella wrote, adding that her husband had reached out to the student to ask him to stop commenting about their daughter and been met with obscenities.
"It was just vulgar," the girl's father Jim Piscitella told the Times. "It's just mean."

A few hours after the incident Piscitella was arrested on a charge of child abuse, but she was released on bail on Tuesday. The boy’s mother decided to press charges after seeing red marks on her son’s neck.

It's actually hard for me to read this story and not want to be violent myself...and to be honest, I'm a pretty mellow person.

What drives me insane is that the boy's "red marks on his neck" may be nothing compared to the scars on this girl's -- and mother's (and probably father's) hearts. It will be a horrible memory for the rest of their lives.  No one ever talks about the long tail of pain -- and now embarrassment -- that this family feels because this boy has crossed every line possible when it comes to civility.

Debbie regrets what she did which brings up another really important issue.  We tell kids to tell their parents or another trusted adult.  In this case, the daughter told her mother and it didn't end well.  This is one of the most important gaps in bullying prevention efforts.  Most adults are well-meaning...but we don't always know how to handle this emotionally filled and complicated issue.  Kids don't tell adults because they fear things will get worse and they are often right.

Kathryn Otoshi, award-winning author of One, and I developed the Be the One Go-To Adult certificate and tips for parents of kids in K-5 and there is additional advice on what parents of older kids can do.

Many of us can relate to how Debbie reacted but we can learn from it, too.  After this horrible incident, what's her advice?  Go through the proper channels...and monitor your kids on Facebook.  (But she had something interesting to say about the proper channels, which she says she tried first.  "They have all these bullying laws but when it comes down to it, it falls on deaf ears."  Do you hear that schools?  These laws will backfire if we don't start training administrators and teachers about bulling -- offline and online.)

If there is anyone who has watched their child be demeaned and emotionally crushed, I think you can relate to the rage Debbie Piscitella felt when she saw that boy.  Of course, I'm not saying she should have choked him.  I'm saying that I understand the pure anger she must have felt at that moment.

For anyone going through something similar, you have my empathy.

Am I Pretty? Girls Are So Vulnerable...

Time Magazine's blog points out a disturbing trend. Young girls reaching out online trying to get reassurance. That spells disaster for a few reasons, including:

• Girls who post videos like this are already feeling unsure of themselves and are desperate for reassurance.

• Not feeling confident seems to make kids more of a target for others to bully them, online and off.

• Tweens and teenagers are more susceptible to drama and high emotion and therefore don't have the emotional tools they need when they ask for reassurance and what they get is someone tearing them down to the ground.

It's so dangerous. Parents beware. It's bad enough for girls 13 (minimum age for Facebook) and up but some girls are even younger.

The story appropriately asks:

The fact that some of the teens can be young as 11 years old signifies something is definitely amiss. Does YouTube need to monitor these videos more closely, or is it part of the need for greater parent vigilance when it comes to their children’s online activities? When every action is anonymous, commenters playing on the insecurities of young tweens is exactly the last thing the Internet needs.

This situation is NOT pretty. What can parents do? Stay close and talk to them about NOT using You Tube or the internet in general this way. Self respect is key offline and online.

New Study: Teens, Kindness & Cruelty on Social Network Sites

I read about the recent findings from the Pew Research Center study on Cyberbullying and Internet safety -- Teens, Kindness & Cruelty on Social Network Sites -- but before I could write about it myself, I discovered this article and low and behold, it's by my cousin-in-law, Warren Raisch, an expert in all things online. Thank you, Warren, for allowing me to share this:

The Dark Side Of Social Networking – 88% of Teens Witness Online Cruelty on Social Networks.
Posted on November 14, 2011 by Warren Raisch on his blog Think Conversation!

An entire generation is growing up with the Internet as a central part of their daily lives. Social Networking is a big part of that daily experience. As social networks mature, it should probably be no surprise that they will start to reflect both the good and the bad elements of the societies that they operate in. Unfortunately meanness and bullying is a growing issue for teens according to a new report out from Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project, which surveyed 799 kids ages 12 to 17 and a parent or guardian.

As a parent, I struggle with how much access to provide to my children on the Internet in general and with Social Networks. Being in the industry I recognize the power of the Internet and all of the wonderful access there is to knowledge, entertainment and connectivity to family and friends. But as a parent I also recognize the danger of too much access and lean towards controlled and supervised access for my children. My general practice has been to provide one computer to the kids with child protection software located centrally in our home in our Kitchen/Family room area where my wife and I can supervise all Internet access.

We monitor the sites they visit and the content they interact with. We are just entering the Social Networking participation with our oldest daughter and we have allowed her to set up a Facebook account with my wife and I included as friends and with us monitoring the activity. To be honest, I was very uncomfortable with the decision but since we know all of her friends and the family members on her Facebook account it is going fine so far. But I encourage parents to stay involved and don’t be afraid to monitor your kids. It is our responsibility to monitor them and guide them. If we don’t someone else will.

KEY SUMMARY FINDINGS FROM THE STUDY:

The majority of social media-using teens say their peers are mostly kind to one another on social network sites. Their views are less positive than those of social media-using adults.

Most American teens who use social media say that in their experience, people their age are mostly kind to one another on social network sites. Overall, 69% of social media-using teens think that peers are mostly kind to each other on social network sites. Another 20% say that peers are mostly unkind, while 11% volunteered that “it depends.” At the same time, in a similar question asked of adults 18 and older, 85% of social media-using adults reported that people are mostly kind to one another on social network sites, while just 5% felt that people are mostly unkind.4

88% of social media-using teens have witnessed other people be mean or cruel on social network sites.

Among social media users, 88% of teens have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on a social network site. Asked, “When you’re on a social networking site, how often do you see people being mean or cruel?,” teens who use social network sites say the following about how frequently they witnessed such behavior:

12% say they witnessed cruel behavior “frequently.”
29% say they saw meanness on social network sites “sometimes.”
47% say they saw such behavior “only once in a while.”Overall, adults are less likely to say they have seen meanness on social media; 69% of adult social media users say they have seen people being mean and cruel to others on social network sites.
7% of adult social media users witness meanness or cruelty “frequently” on the sites.
18% say they saw meanness on social network sites “sometimes.”
44% say they saw such behavior “only once in a while.”15% of social media-using teens say they have been the target of online meanness.Some 15% of teen social media users have experienced such harassment themselves in the past 12 months, while 85% of them have not.

“Online lives and offline lives are now merging more and more, and that’s something parents have to be aware of,” says Jim Steyer, founder of Common Sense Media, a non-profit that educates kids and families about media use. “There is still so much we don’t know about how (social media) affects teens’ social and emotional development.”

About 93% of teens surveyed say they have an account on Facebook, and 62% say the profile they use most often is set to be private so only their friends can see what they post.

86% of teens say they have received advice from parents about how to be safe online.
55% of teens say they don’t post content that might reflect poorly on them in the future.
22% have had an experience on social media that ended a friendship with someone.

To read more, check out the full report.

Brooks Gibbs

Brooks Gibbs spends his time talking directly to teens about love, kindness, and compassion. Yep. Even though Brooks is a young guy, he dares to go there. The "there" is the old-fashioned notion that everyone should be respected, anger is overrated and love conquers all.

And the best yet? He can pull it off with a sense of humor. Now that's talent!

Brooks was kind enough to answer a couple of questions:

What inspired you to take on the issue of bullying?

I had close friends that survived the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton Colorado in 1999. Several asked me to travel the country with them so I could help develop and deliver their message at various school assemblies and conferences. We did this for a couple years and reached over half a million students across the USA. It was during that time of touring that I discovered that there was a market for speaking to youth. I was pretty ecstatic that I could make a living and a difference by speaking to students. I developed my anti-bullying program at the request of schools that were looking to end hate speech and violence on their campus.

While researching bullying for my book and speech, I discovered that a positive way we can end this horrible epidemic is by teaching ancient character values and social skills. Not only do I teach the importance of love, forgiveness, tolerance, diversity, and other virtues; I also teach practical ways that targets of bullying can resolve the bullying issue on their own- without the intervention of an adult. I have witnessed that most students have not been taught how to respond to people who are mean to them. The natural response for any human is to get angry and react- fighting fire with fire. I teach students how to respond with kindness, as one would respond to a friend- not an enemy. This is the classic 'Golden Rule' teaching that actually ends most aggression between students. Some anti-bully programs focus on empowering bystanders, some seek to discipline bullies, others want everyone to emotionally connect and share feelings. My program; however, focuses on the target of bullying (which is most everyone). I give them healing coping skills so that they won't fall into depression or despair.

After talking to so many kids around the country, what about their reactions surprises you most?

What surprises me is how much teens desire to be told the truth. Apparently, grown ups treat them like children and are not brutally honest about life. When I speak to teens, I do so with transparency and respect. I treat them like young adults who are at a crossroads in life and they need solid advice. Either they keep living with prejudices, bitterness, and anger which will lead them to a life of unhappiness... or they become people of virtue- forgiving those who have hurt them, and choosing to love more than hate. Students resonate with this message. I tell them that THEY are responsible for their thoughts, actions, and feelings. I challenge them to avoid a victim mentality and "be the change that they want to see in the world". This type of message provokes thought that can lead to change. Here is a sample reaction from a student who wrote on my Facebook wall:

Honestly, you are one of the very few motivational speakers I've listened to that has actually tugged at my heart. I look up to you in so many ways and words can't describe how phenomenal your performance was. The feeling of lonliness gets the best of us at times, and I'm so proud of you for everything you've done and ...that you continue to do. You changed my life, and I'm pretty sure everyone in that room could feel your pain at that very moment. And that's what we needed. A taste of reality. You are simply unbelieveable, Brooks. Bless you :)

So, Brooks, you deserve a Tangled Ball Award because you're cool and this issue needs cool people to talk to teens in a way they'll want to listen.

Too Young for Facebook?

Raise your hand if you think 13 is too young for Facebook. Under 13? Actually, if you let your child create a Facebook page under the age of 13, you are allowing them to lie on the form. Isn't that some type of crime? Or at the very least, a bad parenting message?

Anyway, the official minimum age to have a Facebook page is 13. And I still think that's way too young. Why? When things are going ok between friends, it's a fun thing. But when friends become enemies-- which can happen overnight -- things can get said and "shared" that are so hurtful that there's no telling what kind of damage can be done. Most kids don't understand the privacy settings...and many parents don't know either. Since we don't have netiquette classes in most schools, kids also don't understand the ramifications of posting compromising photos or saying inappropriate things.

And worst of all, they're not going to tell you when things are spinning out of control on Facebook because they're afraid you'll take it away. Kids at that age are not prepared to handle the superhighway of emotions that Facebook can create.

But for every parent struggling with their child's pleas to be on Facebook because "EVERYBODY's on Facebook", Common Sense Media came up with a few alternatives.

Just to make sure these "alternatives" have some potential to actually be used INSTEAD of Facebook, I've asked a consultant to try them out and let me know if she and her friends would ever consider switching. Catherine V. is a very cool, talented well-liked eighth grader who is also a Facebook user (legitimately). As a matter of fact, she took me for a tour of how kids use the site and it was really enlightening. Most kids really do sign up with the intention to share interests and good fun but during the tour we did stumble across some kids using it to joke about teachers, etc. Not a good idea, kids. Facebook is not anonymous.

After a preliminary look last night, here's what Catherine said:

Hello, it's your consultant!!!!
I took a look at the alternatives for Facebook you sent me. Most of them would appeal only to younger girls, maybe up to 12 years old. The ones near the bottom of the page were really interesting, and I think a lot of my friends would actually use websites like that. I will post the link to my Facebook page and maybe word will spread around!!! The only thing is, Facebook is well known and it would be hard to make another website just as popular. But even so, the websites were unique and seem a lot safer than Facebook, so parents would maybe let their child get a "FaceChipz" instead of a Facebook. These websites seem fun and safe, so I could definetely see them as an alternative for Facebook. It's just a matter of a certain trend catching on...but I see a lot of potential in these sites!

I trust Catherine. I think parents can say, "NO" to Facebook but "YES" to social networks. What do you think?

I'll get more specific about each site in the next post.

Sexting 101 for Parents

Sexting. I can't get my head around it. Why would kids do that? How do we handle it as a parent?

When our babies were born, we didn't look into their sweet little eyes and imagine that they would share photos of their birthday suits over a phone.

Nancy Gifford, a former federal prosecutor in the District of Connecticut, a consultant to the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI), and equally important, a mom of 3 young children, talks about the seriousness of this new trend.

What Is It?

Sexting is the act of teenagers sending sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude pictures via digital media (e.g. cellular phone, computer).

How many kids are really involved in sexting?

A recent survey by the Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project calmed some fears when it reported that only 4% of cell-owning teens between the ages of 12 and 17 have sent such images of themselves. This was a dramatic difference from an earlier, less scientific, online survey that reported 20% of teen girls had sent a sexually suggestive photograph of themselves. Both surveys explained that the teens who engage in this behavior often do so as either means of flirting with someone they are interested in dating or as part of an ongoing romantic relationship.

The Pew survey reported a more troubling statistic: 15% of the same teens had received sexually suggestive images of someone they know. The discrepancy between the number of teens involved in creating a sext and the number of teens who have received a sext highlights one of the dangers of sexting – the images, created for one purpose (i.e. as a form of “romance”), are easily sent and forwarded for another purpose (i.e. as a joke or creating of rumors).

What happens when those embarrassing photos get forwarded?

In some of the most tragic sexting incidents, the greatest harm occurred when the image left the original recipient and was forwarded on to others. The case of Hope Witsell is instructive. Hope was 13 years old when she sent a topless photograph of herself to a boy she liked. The photograph was opened by another person who was using the boy’s phone and was sent to several others. The image then was forwarded to others and quickly spread throughout her school. After 3 months of taunting from her peers, Hope committed suicide. Although sexting rarely leads to suicide (only one other case is known, that of 18 year old Jesse Logan), the humiliation and bullying that can occur when a sexted image is passed is quite common.

Now that it's part of teen culture, what do we do as parents?

How can we help our teens? As it so often is, the answer must include communication. Sexting provides an opportunity for parents, educators and others to promote the idea of digital citizenship and creating a positive digital reputation. Importantly, the discussion needs to focus on both the creation of sexted images and the receipt of images.

As for creating images: Use the Pew study as an opportunity to discuss how very few students are actually sending sexually suggestive photographs of themselves. For too many teens it can seem as though “everyone is doing it.” The study may help support your child’s decision to not engage in sexting by giving them the confidence that he/she is part of the vast majority of kids.


Long Term Consequences

Discuss the long term consequences that can result when you create a sext. Use the cases of Hope and Jesse to illustrate the idea that a sexted image is irretrievable. Any photograph sent or unkind comment made online – even if intended for just one other person – can easily become widely distributed. A photo taken during an impetuous moment can come back to haunt them years later when they are looking for scholarships, college admissions and employment opportunities.

Explain to teens that part of being a good digital citizen is to help your friends make good decisions online. For example, if a friend tells you that he/she is going to send a sext, discourage him. Many images have been created when friends “egg each other on.”

Receiving Images

As for receiving images: Have a discussion with your teen about what to do if he/she receives a sext. Remind the teen that some of the greatest harm happens when the images were distributed far beyond the initial recipient. Don’t give in to the inclination to want to pass the information on to others. If everyone stops forwarding the images, their potential damage can be limited. Resist the urge to keep the “joke” going. Again, Hope’s and Jesse’s stories provide a “teachable moment” to discuss how the teens who forwarded the images or engaged in the taunting may also feel regret or guilt for their actions.

Don't Keep A Secret

As a final word, it would be helpful to tell your teen that keeping a secret about sexting can be dangerous. Whether your teen was involved in creating, receiving or sending an image, there is potential for emotional, reputational and legal consequences. These consequences have been used by some to blackmail teens to continue sending images or to engage in sexual relations. Let your teen know that, even if they have made a mistake, you want to be involved and want to help them deal with any issue they might have.

What's Your Advice?

Check out this Dear Deidre column. A sixteen year-old boy writes in to ask the advice columnist for The Sun (a British paper), if he should stand up for his friend who is being badly bullied. Her advice, in a nutshell, is to not get too involved and encourage the boy to go to an adult authority.


What do you think?