Listen to Ally: When It Comes to Being Bullied, She Knows What She's Talking About

Several months ago, my friend, Nancy, and I attended a bullying and cyberbullying panel discussion featuring some of the top names in the field...but the most impressive by far, was an expert sitting in the audience. The most riveting remarks were by a young well-spoken girl by the name of Ally. She began to speak honestly and openly about her own experience:

Allyson is a 21-year-old from Franklin, NJ who was cyberbullied, bullied, and harassed in high school after an ex-boyfriend forwarded a topless picture of her to her entire school. She has since done multiple interviews, goes to schools and talks to students about the dangers of sexting, and educates others on digital abuse awareness. She also appeared in the MTV News special "Sexting in America: When Privates Go Public." She is currently attending school for Vascular Sonography and is writing a book about sexting and the severe repercussions she had to overcome after high school.

I reached out to Ally to ask her to share her three top tips for parents and teens:

1) Do not ever put anything in writing or pictures that you wouldn't want your parents, teachers, or family to see. Once something is sent it can never be taken back. It is virtually out there forever, and it CAN haunt you for the rest of your life.

2) If you are a parent or guardian and you suspect something is up with your teen, TALK TO THEM. Keep your eyes open to warning signs of bullying. i.e drop in grades, isolation, sudden personality changes.

3) If you are a teen who is being bullied online or off, GET HELP. Be it through your parents, a trusted friend, or a teacher, find someone you trust who is reliable enough to help you. You can not deal with it on your own.

Ally taught me so much in just a few minutes during that symposium. She was immediately likable and made me realize that this momentary lapse in judgment can happen to anyone and the fallout is cruel and brutal. (I always say that "even nice kids" can run into trouble on the internet but no one deserves to be tortured.)

October's National Geographic cover story, The New Science of the Teenage Brain, as well as CNN's story, Why Teens Are Wired For Risk explain why teens do things that seem risky and thoughtless. They mention 2 things: 1.) they don't think about the risk, they think about the reward (such as having a boy really like you) and 2.) they are preparing to leave the nest and become independent (from what I understand, kind of testing things out.)

Knowng this doesn't make it any easier to parent teens, but it may make it easier to understand why even "good" kids push the envelope (and actually most kids are good). We cannot abandon them.

Thanks, Ally, for being brave and sharing your story. It's noble that you're willing to help others.

And, thanks to my dentist, Dr. Tricorache. Have you noticed yet that your October issue of National Geographic is missing? (Some brains actually never fully mature.)

Cyberbullying: Two Things Schools and Parents Can Do

At last night's cyberbullying summit sponsored by the New York City Council, two things struck me: 1.) It's great that the room was full and there's clearly more interest and awareness on the subject and 2.) We don't quite get it yet.

Hearing From the Real Experts: The Kids

ENACT, an awesome NYC high school performing group, opened the night with a fantastic short play about sexting. That woke everyone up. It got our attention because it skillfully showed how even good kids can get pressured and send provocative photos of themselves.

One brave girl was there to tell her real story. She was a good all around student but in a spur of the moment act -- it took six seconds --sent a photo of her breasts to a guy which he forwarded and it spread like wildfire. Her mother was nearly in tears talking about the bullying and harassment her daughter received for four years after the incident. It was heartbreaking to hear her mother talk about the fact that kids are being charged as sex offenders. It's true. Think about that. They have to sit in the same room as rapists and pedophiles in court ordered therapy sessions. They can't live near a school, for example, for 25 years.

Another highlight was listening to a Wired Safety panel of teens and tweens (and even an eight year-old) talk about the various ways that the internet, and particularly cell phones, are being used as weapons. Among the 77 ways (yes, they said that 77 ways had been identified) that kids use technology to hurt each other were things like picking up someone else's phone when they're not looking and sending mean messages or pretending that others sent you harassing messages to get them in trouble. Then the drama starts, which is why a lot of cyberbullying is done in the first place. Teens love drama.

The reasons and the perpetrators can be categorized in a variety of ways. Some are mean girls (and boys); some have been bullied before and want retaliation; some are shy offline and are flexing their muscles online. But the bottom line here is that all kids are capable of doing this. Many just don't know better. Most are just kids.

Tangled Ball Problem Needing Many Solutions

Next steps? A panel comprised of reps from Common Sense Media, NYC Dept. of Ed, MTV, Facebook, Microsoft, AT&T, and the Relationship Abuse Prevention Program were on hand to report on what they were doing as organizations to help stop the epidemic. Unfortunately, it's not enough. Two basic things are missing. We need a reporting infrastructure in middle and high schools that can handle sexting and cyberbullying incidents. Schools literally do not know how to handle this issue -- and the policies and laws are not clear, which is scary. We need to help them out by untangling a few of these strings. (An organization in D.C., iKeepSafe, has an initiative called Generation Safe which is trying to do just that.) Secondly, we have to start teaching internet safety as young as kindergarten and include parents. (Common Sense Media and others mentioned to the right have fantastic and often free materials.) No two ways about it.

Other Countries Struggling With Same Issues

Just saw this piece from Australia this morning on this very subject. I'm with you, mate.

If you had two suggestions, what would they be?

Sexting 101 for Parents

Sexting. I can't get my head around it. Why would kids do that? How do we handle it as a parent?

When our babies were born, we didn't look into their sweet little eyes and imagine that they would share photos of their birthday suits over a phone.

Nancy Gifford, a former federal prosecutor in the District of Connecticut, a consultant to the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI), and equally important, a mom of 3 young children, talks about the seriousness of this new trend.

What Is It?

Sexting is the act of teenagers sending sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude pictures via digital media (e.g. cellular phone, computer).

How many kids are really involved in sexting?

A recent survey by the Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project calmed some fears when it reported that only 4% of cell-owning teens between the ages of 12 and 17 have sent such images of themselves. This was a dramatic difference from an earlier, less scientific, online survey that reported 20% of teen girls had sent a sexually suggestive photograph of themselves. Both surveys explained that the teens who engage in this behavior often do so as either means of flirting with someone they are interested in dating or as part of an ongoing romantic relationship.

The Pew survey reported a more troubling statistic: 15% of the same teens had received sexually suggestive images of someone they know. The discrepancy between the number of teens involved in creating a sext and the number of teens who have received a sext highlights one of the dangers of sexting – the images, created for one purpose (i.e. as a form of “romance”), are easily sent and forwarded for another purpose (i.e. as a joke or creating of rumors).

What happens when those embarrassing photos get forwarded?

In some of the most tragic sexting incidents, the greatest harm occurred when the image left the original recipient and was forwarded on to others. The case of Hope Witsell is instructive. Hope was 13 years old when she sent a topless photograph of herself to a boy she liked. The photograph was opened by another person who was using the boy’s phone and was sent to several others. The image then was forwarded to others and quickly spread throughout her school. After 3 months of taunting from her peers, Hope committed suicide. Although sexting rarely leads to suicide (only one other case is known, that of 18 year old Jesse Logan), the humiliation and bullying that can occur when a sexted image is passed is quite common.

Now that it's part of teen culture, what do we do as parents?

How can we help our teens? As it so often is, the answer must include communication. Sexting provides an opportunity for parents, educators and others to promote the idea of digital citizenship and creating a positive digital reputation. Importantly, the discussion needs to focus on both the creation of sexted images and the receipt of images.

As for creating images: Use the Pew study as an opportunity to discuss how very few students are actually sending sexually suggestive photographs of themselves. For too many teens it can seem as though “everyone is doing it.” The study may help support your child’s decision to not engage in sexting by giving them the confidence that he/she is part of the vast majority of kids.


Long Term Consequences

Discuss the long term consequences that can result when you create a sext. Use the cases of Hope and Jesse to illustrate the idea that a sexted image is irretrievable. Any photograph sent or unkind comment made online – even if intended for just one other person – can easily become widely distributed. A photo taken during an impetuous moment can come back to haunt them years later when they are looking for scholarships, college admissions and employment opportunities.

Explain to teens that part of being a good digital citizen is to help your friends make good decisions online. For example, if a friend tells you that he/she is going to send a sext, discourage him. Many images have been created when friends “egg each other on.”

Receiving Images

As for receiving images: Have a discussion with your teen about what to do if he/she receives a sext. Remind the teen that some of the greatest harm happens when the images were distributed far beyond the initial recipient. Don’t give in to the inclination to want to pass the information on to others. If everyone stops forwarding the images, their potential damage can be limited. Resist the urge to keep the “joke” going. Again, Hope’s and Jesse’s stories provide a “teachable moment” to discuss how the teens who forwarded the images or engaged in the taunting may also feel regret or guilt for their actions.

Don't Keep A Secret

As a final word, it would be helpful to tell your teen that keeping a secret about sexting can be dangerous. Whether your teen was involved in creating, receiving or sending an image, there is potential for emotional, reputational and legal consequences. These consequences have been used by some to blackmail teens to continue sending images or to engage in sexual relations. Let your teen know that, even if they have made a mistake, you want to be involved and want to help them deal with any issue they might have.