First Days of School -- Be Nice to the New Kid Month

By September 7th, most kids up to the age of 18 will be back in school in the U.S. so I've designated September as National 'Be Nice to the New Kid Month.

"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much."   —Blaise Pascal

If you've ever had to walk into a school knowing no one, I don't have to explain the importance of a peer introducing themselves or including you at their lunch table or sharing a book if you don't have one.  For most kids, the fear and anticipation of starting a new school is like jumping out of an airplane. You know other people have survived but you're not sure you will.  That one kind person can feel like soft welcoming ground.

Although I'm sure she doesn't remember me, I'll never forget the girl who was nice to the new kid.  When my family moved from a small town in Indiana to San Juan, Puerto Rico, I was going into 8th grade.  I didn't know the language. I was leaving the world's best friends right before the best year of elementary. And my new brown and yellow uniform could not have been uglier (the phys ed uniform is too embarrassing even to describe) .  A trifecta of horribleness.

To say that I was scared is an understatement.  I wanted to be invisible until Carmelina broke away from her gaggle of friends and switched from Spanish to English as she took me under her wing.  She introduced me to as many people as she could and although they weren't mean, they didn't pay much attention to me either.  I kept thinking how grateful I was to her for getting me through the dreaded first day. Although most of the other girls didn't ever really warm up to me, Carmelina was kind every single day until graduation.

Kathryn Otoshi, author of the award-winning children's book,One, knows that this is a subject near and dear to my heart so she sent me a copy of Wonder.  It beautifully illustrates the plight of the new or different kid and the tangled ball of emotions most kids experience.  They need mentors.  We are their "Go-To Adults."

So when you drop your kids off at school and you remind them to "be nice to the new kid," know you're raising a leader and this former "new kid" is cheering you on.

One and Zero: Early Bullying Prevention

Dear Principals, Teachers, Superintendents, Parents and Anyone Interested in Children,

My bullying prevention tip is very fitting for today's date:  10/10, which coincidentally falls within National Bullying Prevention Month.

If you have young children or you teach young children, you'll love the award-winning book, One, and it's companion book Zero, by Kathryn Otoshi.

These books beautifully express the power of stepping up and the importance of feeling whole in your center.

They were so powerful to me that I reached out to Ms. Otoshi and we created One Can Count, which consists of materials and simple activity suggestions that support the messages of respect and leadership.   As a matter of fact, New York State Senator Andrew J. Lanza recently sponsored One Can Count in all 30 of the public elementary schools in his district.  St. John's University hosted the workshop for principals, teachers, counselors,  parent coordinators and graduate students.  As a community we came together to discuss solutions and to focus our attention on encouraging leadership skills at an early age as the anti-bully.

If you want your community to benefit from One Can Count and have questions about how to cost effectively introduce the books and materials into your school districts, contact me at thetangledball@gmail.com.

The equation is as simple as this:

Books + Free Materials + T-Shirts =  Opportunities to Encourage Leadership 

"Sometimes it just takes One."  

Thank you for being a One.

Sincerely,

Susan S. Raisch
Founder of Tangled Ball

One Can Count Moment

A Love Letter to Myself

What does prevention mean in the bullying world?  Is it that we try to stop people from being mean to each other or is it that we help shield children and adults from the pain it causes.

It's a trick question.  I think it's both.

I was in a situation recently that made me think about the importance of blunting that long tail of pain.  How do we help people who've been belittled feel better?  How do we stop that horrible spiral that leaves you emotionally spent and feeling worthless?  (That's what skilled bullies do.  They're really good at it.  They know just the button and they go for it.)

No one is completely immune.

When it happened to me recently, it caused a horrible domino effect of bad.  No matter how I tried to push it out of my brain, it still caused heartache and doubt.  I wondered, 'How can kids put up with this?  How do they survive it?'  (Some kids don't.)

It sucked the joy out of my life -- temporarily.

It had a hold on me until I remembered something.  I'm awesome!

If we can get kids and even some grown up kids to remember those things about themselves that leave no doubt of their worth, if we can get them to write it down before some cruel person robs them of their joy, that's prevention.

This is what I said to the person who made me feel small:

Hold on a minute.  Do you realize that in my entire life, I've never set out to make anyone feel bad about anything?  I've raised four kids who make it a point to be nice to people.  Along the way, I've worked hard, done some good things and have left a good trail.  I deserve to be treated nicely.  

Phew.  I'm glad I remembered that before I got sucked into the mean vortex.

Now the trick is to get kids to write down why they're so great so when they're in a bullying emergency, they can get to that list and read it over and over.  Let's raise strong kids who never forget why they shouldn't be made to feel like the scum on the bottom of a shoe.

It's ok to say you expect to be treated well.

Trusted Adults Can Be the Difference Between Life and Bullycide

A new study was released regarding bullying of gay and lesbian kids and suicide. Once again, it was good to have a study to back up what we already know. Perhaps this way, people will start really paying attention to solutions.

What I want to discuss here is something that I think is key -- and perhaps hopeful -- in this tangled mess. It's the power of support from a trusted adult. From the report:

However, those who had social support -- "support from family and peers, meaning that the young person would say they have someone to go to when they have a tough time, someone is looking out for them" -- were less likely to be suicidal, Mustanski added.

Trust needs to be built over time. All kids need to learn how to communicate and share what's on their minds from an early age.

This is one of those tangled strings we can untangle if we just take the time to think about it. Raising awareness in kids and parents from Pre-K will help them in middle and high school with communication and trust. This is not to say that they won't go through the surly pre-teen and teen years but it will be easier to understand the concept of going to someone when they need help.

In middle and high school, it's even more important for adults to ignore annoying behavior and step in to ask if a child is ok. Ask and then listen. Advice may not be as important as sympathy.

Even as adults, when we suffer in silence, bad things happen. Our judgement is clouded. Our emotions run high and we go to a darker place. When someone else seems to care, it's like magic. The load gets lighter, the spirits get lifted and the power returns.

Kathryn Otoshi, the author of One, and I have talked about this gap. It's the gap of the trusted adult. If the advice we're giving to kids is to "go tell a trusted adult," and they don't have one in their lives, where does that leave them? Worse off than they were before.

(We came up with the Be the One Go-To Adult certificate and letter for elementary schools. They're free and downloadable.)

Any other ideas out there on how to inspire parents, teachers, coaches, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends to be that Go-To Adult? Would love to hear about them and share the ideas, tools, books, etc. on this site.

Thanks -- and now go listen to a kid today! You never know what's going on inside and you might be their lifeline today.

Thankful for the People Who Step Up: ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition

Are you ever curious how and why certain people become involved in the bullying prevention issue?

Recently, I became aware of a great site and facebook page for ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. It's really inclusive. It made me wonder who started it and why. When I found out the founders, Cari, Candice and Aunt T, are based in Michigan City, Indiana, I almost fell off my chair. I grew up in Michigan City (Long Beach, specifically) and although I was 13 when we moved and I have no family there, I still consider it "home."

Their Mission:

We are passionate about implementing pro-active anti-bullying solutions into our school system and as far around the world as we can grow! We have found such need in our community to advocate for families as well as help change the belief that "kids will be kids" and "it makes them stronger" with the knowledge that even one bullying episode can have life long negative effects. And although our program is currently focused on school time bullying, we hope to spread the word; bullying is a personality and it spans all ages and crosses all boundaries; race, religion, size, gender, socioeconomic status, educational level, sexual orientation and does not stop in High School but continues on to the workplace, retirement homes, private clubs, organizations, it's everywhere.

Why They Stepped Up:
Cari’s Story:

There are moments in life that change us, define us for the next chapter, and it was one of those moments that inevitably led to the creation of ABC. I am a mom of three children, distinct and wonderful in their individual ways. When people ask me why I started ABC, they are always surprised when I tell them it’s not because I was bullied, or because my own children have faced it…. Is it a factor behind it? Yes, of course…. But it was not the inspiration. Instead the inspiration came in a defining moment, when I found myself openly crying in my office after reading yet another story of a child who had taken their own life due to bullying. I empathized with the child that felt it was their only escape and as a parent, who cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It is my greatest fear. Right then, I decided I would do “something” in the fight against bullying.

I researched it heavily, wrote letters, connected with teachers and friends… I talked with my fiancé of knowing this was “something” I was meant to do, but I didn’t know what that “something” would turn out to be. The “something” became clear, when my best friend, Candice, put me in touch with moms locally whose children were facing bullying and were being silenced by the school system. ABC was created within days and I continue to look forward to a future so bright “I have to wear shades.” ☺ I am determined to end bullying…. That is my goal, and while there may be those who scoff and say, “That’s never going to happen,” it only makes me that much more determined. Each time I learn of another child’s death, I cry tears… tears for the child, tears for the parent, the family and the friends… and my resolve strengthens. We CAN change this society from one of cruelty and violence to one of kindness and empathy. We CAN stand up, band together and have our voices heard. We CAN do all of these things….. together.

Candice’s Story:

I am involved with ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition for many, many reasons, but the main desire to help end bullying stems from experiences I had during my high school years.

When I was younger, I was teased, bullied, and sexually harassed beyond belief because of my large breast size, which lead to taunting and malicious rumors being spread about me. Because of the extreme personal nature of the bullying, I was too ashamed to tell my parents, a teacher, or an adult about the harassment. I am still ashamed about it to this day.

As a result, I developed severe anxiety issues relating to school, especially the classes that included my tormentors. Eventually, I had skipped so many classes, and missed so much school that I had to be pulled out and “homeschooled” for the remainder of the school year, and the administrators recommended that I attend the city’s Alternative High School the next school year. This “punishment” ended up being my salvation.

The alternative high school’s atmosphere was completely different from that of the public school. It was more family oriented, with students comfortable enough to stick up for fellow students when issues would arise, and teachers and administrators sincerely cared for their students, which was constantly demonstrated through their actions. Here, my self-confidence flourished, here I thrived. The shy, quiet, self-conscious girl who was so ruthlessly tormented at her previous school found herself standing up for others, and standing up for herself. The Alternative School was not perfect by any means and issues of bullying DID go on, but incidents were not swept under the rug and were dealt with by the administrator’s head on. Because of their actions, I have experienced a school environment that did not tolerate bullying on any level; I know from experience that such a place CAN exist. I also know how a school like this can heal a person’s soul.

Aunt T’s Story:

I have always had extraordinarily strong feelings about right vs. wrong. I am frustrated by injustice in this world and voice my opinion frequently. They are not always popular or well received, but I have always felt it is vital to not just sit back and watch someone be treated as inferior. To me, this is condoning the behavior/treatment.

Sometimes it is very hard to look someone in the face and ask them to not use a derogatory slur or questions their strong beliefs if they differ from my own. But I am confident enough in my beliefs that I usually don't let intimidation hold me back. The same cannot be said for all people I am friends with or even folks in my family. I would sit back and watch people laugh off comments that I know for a fact they do not believe or feel acceptable. I would question them later, inquiring as to why they didn't "correct" the person or verbally "defend" their beliefs? Without fail people would say; "What good would it do? It won't change their beliefs". While I understand why people feel this way, it is an unacceptable belief. It falls into the "If not now, when? If not me, who?" philosophy.

If I don't highlight right from wrong, I am NOT honoring my beliefs. If I don't fight to keep our children safe from the torture of bullies, who will? If I didn't help change peoples view, language and level of acceptance... I am condoning, therefore perpetuating, the prejudice. This crosses over into bridging the communication gap between school systems and families.

I do not believe our school systems are ambiguous. I believe most teachers and administrators care deeply about our children. Likewise I believe parents are acutely aware of their children's physical and mental well being. But so many people seem to get stuck on the accepted bullying wheel. Many beliefs and sayings are widely accepted by society; schools and homes are just microcosm of society. Bringing schools and families together to work through bullying issues changes society.

One child, one family, one school, changes society. That is why I am part of ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. Even one family helped, one mind changed, one school made more aware - profoundly impacts society. I stand up for what I believe in. I fight for what I feel is right not only for my own but for those who are unable or unwilling to do so for themselves. "Prejudice is learned. Teach acceptance" is my gospel. Aunt T~

Inspiration from Michigan City makes me thankful. (And wonder what the MEAN on their t-shirts mean? It's "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" Where does your inspiration come from? Would love to hear your story.

P.S.: The "MEAN" on their t-shirts stands for "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" (Moms are so "mean," and in this case, it's a good thing!)

The Charles M. Blow Essay on Bullying You'll Never Forget

I had never thought of suicide before and had never remembered ever speaking the word, but, in that moment, the idea fell on me so completely and so agreeably that it was as if I had planned it.

I dug the bottle of aspirin from my pocket. I was going to take them all. I had no idea if they would kill me, but I hoped that they would. Then the questions came. Would it hurt? How long would it take? Would my mother be sad? Would I go to hell for committing suicide? Heavy questions piling up like boots at the bottom of a dark closet.

Before I could form answers, one of my mother’s songs came to save me.

The New York Times published this essay, The Bleakness of the Bullied, by Op-Ed Columnist Charles M. Blow on October 15th. He was referring to a time in his life that bullying and teasing were partly responsible for almost driving him to suicide. He was 8.

In today's letter to the editor by Stuart Green, Director of the New Jersey Coalition for Bullying Awareness and Prevention, he adds,

And when bullying does occur, we must ensure that all children have the lifesaving adult support that rescued him, if not at home, then at school.

I couldn't agree more. How do we make sure that each child has that Go-To adult in their life? Why is it so important? It can be the difference between life and death. Or it can be the difference between suffering and the light-heartedness children truly deserve.

By sharing his story and lending his beautiful writing skills to helping us feel the problem, Charles should get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award!

Anderson Trying to Untangle Messy Issue of Bullying

Anderson Cooper should get a Tangled Ball Award for putting so much effort into trying to untangle the complicated mess of bullying through his series this week: Bullying: It Stops Here. He is definitely a Be the One Go-To Adult.

If you missed the televised town hall meeting that he hosted on CNN from Rutgers last night, tune in to AC360 for the next 5 nights as he, along with expert guests, shave away at this tangled up problem affecting the emotional and physical health of so many kids.

Rosalind Wiseman, Dr. Phil, Lee Hirsch of The Bully Project and even mom and celebrity Kelly Ripa and Jane Lynch were on hand but clearly, the stand out experts last night were the kids and clearly the stand out message was "Listen."

Bullying is such a huge issue. There are three strings in this knotted mess that I would like to address: Early prevention, parenting and the role of the bystander (or a better term -- upstander.)

Early prevention:

We need to start young. Waiting until middle school is too late. Even waiting until middle school to encourage kids to talk to a trusted adult is often too late. They're self-conscious at that age and it helps if they've established trusted relationships with adults they can talk to before they have an issue.

Parenting:

• We need to encourage young parents to prepare their kids for school and then set the expectation with their children that they need to be treated well and they need to treat others well.

• We need to bridge the gap between the school and home. What's wrong with having mandatory school-wide meetings at the beginning of the year to discuss the school's expectations when it comes to bullying? Often it's only addressed after a problem arises.

• As they get older, we need to know how to respond when they come to us with a problem.

Bystander (Upstander):

Money, time and effort have to be spent creating school climates where you feel like the outsider if you treat others poorly. Train kids how to -- and expect them to -- step up. Make them feel good that they have that power. (There are plenty of great organizations that help with school climate. The National School Climate Center is one.)

There are dozens of other tangled strings and I hope some are going to be discussed this week on AC360. On my wish list is the role of media. Literally, our kids are surrounded by mean.

Tonight Rachel Simmons will be on talking about the role of the counselor. Tune in.

What would you like to see addressed?

How To Help Prevent the Pain of Bullying

How is it that it's become almost common to read about young kids who have committed suicide due to bullying. Just this past weekend, it only took me a couple of minutes to find three news stories relating to three different kids growing up in three different places -- The Wall Street Journal, The Irish Times and KLAS-TV -- but who have one horrible thing in common. They took their own lives.

Are we in danger of thinking this is normal? Bullying is so complicated. A tangled mess of factors make it hard to tackle -- but there are things we can do.

A leading problem:

#1: Kids Feel Alone

Kids feel alone when they are bullied. For every horrible extreme tragic story of suicide, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of kids who are walking around with similar pain and are struggling to figure it out for themselves.

Experts usually advise kids to go tell someone -- a trusted adult.

Why is it that many kids don't tell an adult? Answer: They're afraid we don't really understand the situation and we'll make it worse. They are often right.

Part of a Solution?

Be the One Go-To Adult

We can start bridging this gap between adults and kids when they're young. We can empower them in school and home with an expectation on how to treat others and how to be treated, set a school climate where it's not cool to be the bully, and engage adults by guiding them in some basic "do's" and "don't's" when communicating with -- or acting on behalf -- of a child.

If kids feel we're not going to overreact -- or under react -- or not judge them -- or embarrass them, then they might start sharing more. We might be able to hear the pain in their voice and at the very least reassure them that they are valuable. If kids understand early on that they can get the validation they need to stop their emotions from spiraling, that skill may be invaluable as they get older.

I once heard an expert say, that as a child, you only need one person to get you in order to be ok. (It was Gary Neuman who helps, among others, children of divorce.) That's so hopeful, especially if we all understand that we can be that one person who makes a child feel like they're ok.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Kathryn Otoshi, author of One, and I are proud to have created materials for elementary schools that allow kids to identify their "Be the One Go-To Adult," (hopefully in advance of a problem) and provide the adults in their life with some basic tools and advice to help them "Be the One BEST Go-To Adult" possible.

We would be honored if you downloaded the Be the One Go-To Adult Certificate and the Be the One Go-To Adult Congratulatory Letter for your school or after school program. Could it mean life or death to a child? Maybe by using tools like these and working together we won't find out.

Sometimes It Just Takes One.

Want to Help a Bullied Child? Be the One Go-To Adult

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Here's a gift. Free. Just for you and the children in your care, whether it's at school, at home or in an after-school program, on the field, or in the art or music room.

One of the top pieces of advice from bullying prevention experts to children who feel bullied is to "tell a trusted adult."

Question is, although we want to help, can we actually be trusted to do or say the right thing? We can't be too hard on ourselves. It's a tricky subject even for trained counselors. But it's a child's self-esteem at risk so it's worth a try.

Award-winning author of One, Kathryn Otoshi, and I, came up with the Be the One Go-To Adult campaign. You can learn more and download a Be the One Go-To Adult Certificate and Congratulatory Letter from Tangled Ball.

We've also asked experts in different fields to give the best advice they have to help adults do the right thing.

Dr. Amanda Nickerson, Director of the Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying Abuse and School Violence, shares her top 5 tips:

LISTEN in an accepting and active manner. Adults often think that listening is not doing anything, but really listening, without interrupting, is often immensely helpful on its own. Thank the child for talking to you, as this was likely very difficult.

CONVEY EMPATHY AND CONCERN – reflect on how upsetting this must have been and how sorry you are to hear that they had this experience.

PROBLEM-SOLVE NEXT STEPS – what would be most helpful for the child? In some cases, active intervention is needed to ensure the child's safety; the child may also need help developing coping skills to prevent the situation from happening again or coping with it if it does – this is not intended to put all the emphasis on the target, but the reality is that it may happen again and just saying to kids "it's not your fault" may take away their sense of having any control over it. Seeking out the support of peers can be critical so that kids are not alone in facing someone bullying him/her.

CONTACT THE SCHOOL – the school needs to know what is happening so that action can be taken to deal with the bullying behavior. Document and provide specific details about where it is occurring and who is involved (including staff witnessing it). Realize that schools can't possibly see and know about all incidents, so avoid placing blame on the school. Rather, have a dialogue about what can be done to protect your child, while advocating strongly for your child. Realize that schools may not be able to tell you what they will do to discipline the other child. Partner with the school but if you do not receive a timely and/or satisfactory response, be persistent and realize you have other options (law enforcement, etc.).

FOLLOW-UP – with your child, with the school…keep tabs on what is happening and what you can do to help.

Thanks, Dr. Nickerson. This makes you a Go-To Adult.

International Bullying Prevention Conference

If you're reading this, you're probably already interested in doing something about bullying and cyberbullying. The statistics are staggering but the reality of the pain it causes to kids, families and schools is mind blowing.

Schools and counselors know what a tangled messy issue it is but don't have all the resources they need to turn this issue around in their schools. Instead of being angry at schools for not doing the right thing, we need to step up and help.

An opportunity is approaching. The International Bullying Prevention Assoc. conference is coming up in early November (Nov. 6-8) in New Orleans. Everyone can attend this conference and it will not disappoint. Experts from around the world representing every side of this toxic problem will converge over these couple of days to discuss the newest research about what it is and what works to help stop it. (If you have to fly, the airfare to New Orleans is worth it because the conference is very reasonably priced at $250 for non-members.)

When I became interested in this topic, I went to the conference when it was held several years ago in Indianapolis. I came away with more knowledge in two days than I could have gotten in a year. The world renowned speakers are there to inform and inspire and the workshops give school administrators, teachers, law enforcement, counselors, and superintendents hands on tools to take back to their communities.

In addition, the event will include “Bullying Prevention 101,” a day-long workshop where participants will learn specific techniques and strategies that will help them develop a great understanding of offline and online bullying behavior and learn practical ways to ensure that their schools have peaceful learning environments where positive and respectful behaviors are practiced.

If you want to do something good for your child, student and school, recommend this conference. We don't have to talk about how bad bullying is, we can learn from experts and each other and take the information back to our schools -- and stop accepting this type of school climate.

Bullying Can Stop a Soul from Singing

There's a line from another Rascal Flatt's song, "I'm Movin On," that says "you find strength in your moments of weakness."

If we can teach kids to find their strength even when others try to make them feel weak -- and to help others do the same-- we might save some lives.

One of the most difficult parts of working on the bullying issue is that you don't know who you're helping. You can look at a whole classroom of kids and not know who is hurting inside. That's why a mentoring program seems to be helpful. It's a way to cover everyone. It's a way to make sure that each child has someone that looks them in the eye and is happy to be with them --and it goes both ways. Sometimes it's the eighth grader who needs the validation from the first grader.

I knew I had to use this video when I saw the lyrics referring to the tangled thoughts. One of the questions asked is Was there anything more I could have said or done? Maybe it's about saying, doing -- and seeing. Making sure that someone sees and validates a young child's worth on a consistent basis is so important.

Why? It might be the reason someone stays on stage and finishes their beautiful song.

White House Summit on Bullying: What Can We Do?

In President Obama's opening remarks at the White House Summit on Bullying, he said, "No child should feel that alone." That just about sums up why I'm involved.

In the closing remarks after all the true but tragic stories, the overwhelming statistics and expert advice had been shared, the audience was asked to ask themselves, "What more can I do?"

In answer to that question, I want to share with you what others are doing in the field of bullying prevention and online safety and who are dedicated to providing real help...but first, I want to share a couple of things I personally took away from the conference.

This is such a huge issue but I constantly come back to three things that I think are critical in making a positive impact:

• Early Prevention

Bottom Line: If we start very young -- PreK and up -- and create the expectation of respect, we have a shot at changing the balance when they get older.

• Parenting

Bottom Line: Parents are where it's at. Kids need to be prepared at home for social interactions. Parents can acknowledge and encourage their children when they treat others well and correct them when they don't.

• Bystander (or Upstander):

Bottom Line: When you think about it, the bystander is everyone. Compassion and leadership skills can be taught and we can teach kids how to step up for others in ways that are comfortable to them. (If you ask kids, they know that their peers make the biggest difference.)

If you want to start somewhere, there are so many resources. Stopbullying.gov was announced yesterday and there are others listed to the right. Not every community, school or home is the same so tailoring campaigns or materials to fit your needs is really important. In my community, I, along with the support of the principal and the help of other interested parents, started the Be the One mentoring campaign because it suited the needs of the school and it appealed to both the adults and the age span of the children. I also wanted it to be fun which is very key to holding the kids' attention (and mine, too!) It has created an infrastructure that allows parents and teachers to introduce curriculum they come across and activities that promote friendship and respect. As a matter of fact, next Tuesday, we'll be using some of the tools from Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Center. (I'll be posting more about their fabulous work next week.)

Best Advice from the Summit: My favorite was expert Rosalind Wiseman's advice to any adult on what to say when a child comes to them about being bullied:

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me. I'll stand by you.

"What more can I do?" We can all help by sharing ideas and keeping the conversation going. Let me know what you're doing and I'd be happy to share it with others.

Schools, Parents, Internet Safety and the New Year

Internet Safety! Horrors! Where do we begin?

Recently, I noticed a few basic disconnects when it comes to elementary school-aged children and teaching Internet Safety basics. There's an information gap between school and home. Most schools now have a computer class. The computer teachers I spoke with talk about Internet Safety in class. But where is there a need to actually practice Internet Safety? In the home, of course. Who is the teacher in the home? The parent, of course.

Many parents are tech savvy but many more are not and it's created a generation gap of sorts. It may close as younger parents come up the ranks but in the meantime, it's a dangerous gap. Although it's a big scary subject, it can be manageable with the right tools and good basic information, especially if parents and schools communicate.

In preparation for a parent workshop, I came across this "one-stop shopping" resource: Net Cetera. Their downloadable tools are awesome and I also ordered the booklet for several schools to share with parents at workshops and to send home to parents who couldn't attend. It's not People Magazine but it's an easy read. It's free and I've been able to order 500 at a time.

Parenting is so crammed with things we should do: immunizations, reading, test scores, sports, hygiene, cleaning, play dates, haircuts, feeding, clothes buying, washing and folding. (Who am I kidding? The folding doesn't actually get done in my house but you get the drift.) Sometimes it's too much in a day to do but unfortunately, just like teaching our kids "stranger danger," Internet Safety is on the "must do" list.

I've done a little work for you. Here's a sample letter that can be sent home from school with the Net Cetera booklet and bookmark. It can be signed by the principal, assistant principal, computer teacher or PTA President. It's a start to closing the gap in a simple, effective way.

Dear Parent,

A brand new year is a good time to set priorities and to focus on all the good things we want to achieve for our children and ourselves.

In that spirit, we are sending home this booklet from Net Cetera, which is full of information and tips regarding online safety.
As your children get older, their dependence on technology for help with schoolwork and connecting with friends becomes stronger. In most cases, the Internet is a fantastic resource.

Realistically, though, we can’t be 100% comfortable with all it has to offer. For example, statistically, one out of four children are bullied online. There’s also the issue of “digital literacy,” predators and privacy issues. In other words, you can’t believe everything you read – or trust everyone you meet -- on the Internet. Our children will be safer and happier if we take the time to be informed. Simple tips, such as where you place the computer or rules on cell phone usage, will help protect them and help you sleep better at night, too.

Students at (name of school) learn about Internet Safety issues in computer class. Since the majority of their computer and cell phone time is outside of the classroom, we want to ensure you have the proper information to reinforce these lessons at home.

We hope you find this booklet helpful. It doesn’t take long to read but it may save you hours of worry.

Sincerely,


(Principal, Parent Coordinator, PTA President, or Computer Teacher)


It's amazing what can come from one little letter bridging the most important teachers in a child's technology driven life.

A New Year Brings New Possibilities in Bullying Prevention

Hopefully, more children won't have take their own lives in 2011 in order for us to remain vigilant about bullying prevention.

Three years ago after going to my first Family Online Safety Institute conference in D.C. and then the International Bullying Prevention Association meeting in Indianapolis, I came away with several thoughts:

• There should be one conference that discusses both: bullying offline and online. Kids see it as all one seamless community. For those being bullied in the schoolyard and then online, it's all one big heartache.

Good News: This year I noticed a shift. Experts are starting to talk about kid's online and offline lives as one life. It's a concept that's a little hard for adults to understand but is key for prevention.

• Bullying Prevention messages need to be mainstreamed to the general public. There are great experts doing fantastic work but not enough people know about the tools that are available. Are any of those tools the entire solution? Absolutely not. But if we can help a handful of kids in every school in America, we're talking about thousands.

Here's my pick of the day: Steps to Respect. Check out their materials. I believe in early prevention and also involving the entire school community, including teachers and parents, so I was impressed. Pre-K through elementary school is where it's at if we want to nip some of the abusive behavior in the bud.

In a recent study, researchers found that Steps to Respect helped lower incidences of bullying, such as gossip and spreading rumors by 72%.

According to the study:

When students' playground gossip was observed in the spring, children in the Steps to Respect classrooms had 234 fewer instances of gossip per class of 25, or a 72 percent decrease in gossip among students who had gossiped before participating in the anti-bullying program.

Even if it was half that percentage, it's worth a shot. (Anecdotally and surprisingly, spreading rumors is one of the top reasons given when I ask kids in fourth and fifth grades what bothers them most.)

I'd really like to hear from teachers and/or parents who've used the Steps to Respect materials. My goal is to share any and all tools and information that will make a difference.

Here's to a happy, healthy...and lighthearted 2011!

Taking Action in Bullying Prevention

More people are getting involved in the bullying issue. Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, even celebrities are stepping up to tell us how they really feel about the whole culture of mean. Listen. Whatever works. Bullying is such a messed up and difficult problem to tackle that I personally applaud anyone who tries to untangle one string at a time.

It's always compelling to see "stars" speak from the heart and it's really helpful for awareness. Go Ellen, Madonna, Jaden, Greyson, Tracy Morgan...

It's even better if we're prepared for solutions. Multiple solutions.

The National School Climate Center provides free bully prevention resources, classroom activities, and supports to schools and students-in-need through their national BullyBust campaign. I asked the center's co-founder, Dr. Jonathon Cohen, the following question:

Is it possible to actually improve school climate?

Yes! Educators, parents and students can learn and work together in ways that actually make schools significantly safer, more supportive, engaging and helpfully challenging. And, when they do so, academic achieving increases, student dropout rates and teacher retention rates increases. However, improving school climate is – necessarily – a multi-year effort that needs to be a central goal for the whole school community.

As we have recently detailed in ‘School climate reform: Mobilizing and supporting the whole village to support student learning and positive youth development (Cohen, J.[2010] in Principal Leadership, September) there are five important lessons that we have learned that support effective and sustained school climate improvement efforts:

Lesson #1: Principal as leader: School climate improvement efforts need to be fully supported and led by the principal.

Lesson #2: How to measure school climate? School climate data provides the “anchor” as well as direction for school climate improvement efforts and the actualization of the school climate standards. It is important that school use a school climate survey, like the Comprehensive School Climate Inventory (http://www.schoolclimate.org/programs/csci.php) that is valid and reliable; recognize student, parent/guardians and school personnel “voice”; and assess all of the major areas of school climate (safety, relationships, teaching and learning and the environment).

Lesson #3: On the value of school climate improvement road maps: The vast majority of principals recognize that school climate matters. However, we discovered that many principals are not sure how to best support effective school climate improvement efforts that build on past successes and challenges. School climate improvement ‘road maps’ that included specific tasks and challenges that shape each of the five stages of the school climate improvement process provide an essential foundation for change.

Lesson #4: Creating school policies that support safe, engaging, healthy and helpfully challenging schools: Educational research should shape policy, which in turn dictates practice. When schools adopt or adapt the National School Climate Standards (www.schoolclimate.org/climate/standards.php) they are setting a social, emotional and civic as well as intellectual or ‘academic’ bar that schools must strive for.

Lesson #5: Educational practice that support the whole child: School leaders face an almost impossible task. It is an admirable – and essential – goal that no child be left behind. But to insure this we must understand and address a myriad of needs and barriers to learning.

Pass this info on to your schools and check out their resources. Now that we know better, we can do better.

Creative Ways to Get Kids to Stop, Think and Connect

That's what I'm talking about. Getting creative.

Don't you just love the the backup singers and dancers?

Just like Stop, Block and Tell, it's easy to remember and important to teach.

Share this with your kids and have a dance, a laugh, and a smile. Because you just did something really good. The more we know, the better we do. That goes for kids, too.

PTA/PTO Groups Are Key in Bullying Prevention

October...and Bullying Prevention Awareness Month...are over but since 31 days wasn't enough to share what certain organizations/foundations and businesses are doing to untangle one string at a time, Tangled Ball is spilling over to November to highlight some important work.

One of the biggest challenges in untangling the whole bullying mess is engaging more parents. It seems like there's an endless number of factors that make bullying difficult to control but the one thing that most experts agree on is that more adults need to step up.

Parents are key for a few reasons. One is that parents should be responsible for teaching kids to treat others well BEFORE they go to school, including correcting them when they don't and praising them when they do.

Once kids are school age, involvement needs to kick into gear. This is a huge issue for schools these days. How do we get more parents interested in participating in their kids' education, including school climate? Especially, since there are more single parent homes or homes with both parents working.

Kids just do better when adults, particularly their parents, care. You may not have thought that PTAs and PTOs were that important but after studying this problem for a while, it's clear that these organizations are key to a school's success and to the quality of our children's experience.

PTO Today is a company that recognizes that today's schools need good tools, resources and creative problem solving to adapt to the challenge of involving parents. Brilliant! School parent groups have to keep up with the times. Intrigued by their Web site, blog and company mission, I asked Tim Sullivan, Founder and President, the following questions:

What is the goal of PTO or PTAs?

The specifics of this answer vary by school, but in general terms every PTO or PTA or HSA that I work with has the simple goal to bring parents together to make their school a great place for their kids. What that means at any given school really depends on the school. At some schools, resources are so low that the PTO spends a ton of time advocating for better budgets and/or trying to provide those resources themselves. In other schools the PTO or PTA focuses almost exclusively on building parent involvement and community through family events and enrichment activities. For most PTOs, meeting that goal of making the school a great place for the kids involves a combination that starts with building parent involvement and also includes enrichment efforts (activities that supplement the academic offerings) and – of course -- fundraising.

With so many two parent or single parent workers per household, is parent involvement a thing of the past ?

Definitely not. Is parent involvement different? Definitely. But gone or less essential? No way! The best parent groups adapt to the needs of their parents and change their own habits (email becoming much more essential than the standard old 7PM PTO meeting) and create opportunities for engagement that fit parent schedules and needs. I love events that serve parents (provide dinner!) or understand parent schedules (a donuts with dad event before school and before work). And I really love PTOs that find tons of different types of ways for parents to connect that do not require a month-long or year-long commitment. PTO Today’s “2 Hour Power” program is all about that. http://www.ptotoday.com/2hourpower/ Go to most schools today, and you’ll find powerful, successful examples of parents connecting with their schools. It’s popular to say that parent involvement is a thing of the past, but the facts just don’t bear that out.

So don't just consider getting involved. Make it a must...and even better yet, get your school excited about doing things a little differently. School climate will improve. Guarenteed.

President Obama's Message and a Reminder of How Many Kids We've Lost

OK, so Tangled Ball had a different expert in mind to feature today...but he IS the President...and it's very important that he added his voice to this subject. I hope that ALL kids feeling relentlessly "put down" and suffering will identify with this message.

Kids are bullied not only because they're gay (or perceived as gay), but also because they're "fat," or too thin, have disabilities, are too pretty, not good looking enough, have red hair, are new to a school, too promiscuous, too conservative, too rich, too poor, or just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

We can all do SOMETHING. When in doubt, as adults we can do simple things like say, "You don't deserve that!" And repeat and repeat and repeat. Our outrage and empathy will go a long way to blunt the long tail of pain that bullying causes.

We can't stop every incidence. We can stop kids from feeling that being treated that way is OK. We don't have to wait for experts to tell us that kids need us to constantly tell them that they are very cool... and kids who put other kids down are knuckleheads.

Just a reminder of why this has gotten the attention of the White House and how much it deserves our attention.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Tangled Ball's Marathon Man

Today's Tangled Ball Award goes to someone who's stepped up and stepped in...for 26.2 miles!

Peter Raisch ran the full Chicago Marathon on 10-10-10. The date to motivate.

A 26 year-old pr executive in Madison, Wisconsin, Peter has been the social media mentor for Tangled Ball since its inception. Yesterday he took his commitment one step further. Or should I say thousands of steps further when he ran in the boiling heat wearing a Be the One Tangled Ball t-shirt.

The message of Be the One is based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One, which teaches kids to step up for each other. While Peter was running through the streets of Chicago, Kathryn was in California officially launching her second book in the series, Zero. Zero is a winner, too, because it beautifully reminds children that everyone counts.

One and Zero make a perfect ten in reaching kids early with the messages of respect, compassion, kindness and self worth, so what better way to celebrate One and Zero than a marathon run on 10-10-10?

Thanks, Peter, for going above and beyond the call of duty to motivate others. Not many people would have done what you did. That makes you an upstander! (But maybe you should be told that tomorrow. It's probably really hard to stand up today.)