Empathy is Everything

It's been way too long since my last post.

There was no time or brain space to blog.  The only important thing became being with a family member who was fighting the good fight against cancer.

Since my brother-in-law's death, it has become even more clear to me how important empathy truly is to the spirit.  True suffering is the feeling of being alone.

Feeling alone is how children/teens feel when they have been belittled and demeaned and no one seems to care.  It's a feeling they don't have to have.  It's grief for an irrational reason.

For anyone who has had this feeling of loss, I think you'll agree that a little empathy goes a long way.

There are many ways to nurture empathy in children -- just ask the Kid President (Robby Novak).  Kid President's Guide to Being Awesome has 100 ideas on how to make the world a better place. If you've never checked out the Soul Pancake's Kid President videos, they're just the perfect thing to inspire empathy and action while making you and your kids have a laugh and a reason to dance.

Empathy is everything, especially when you've lost your reason to dance.

Leadership is Igniting Good

Life is beautiful not because of the things we see or do. Life is beautiful because of the people we meet. -- Simon Sinek

Recently, I had the pleasure of listening to my son give a speech about leadership.  In his short remarks, he said that leadership is about interconnectivity, empathy and attitude.

Of the three, he emphasized interconnectivity which is really community.  We don't necessarily have to have research to tell us that we're social beings who need each other to be happy but there is plenty of it to support the obvious.  Feeling connected is one of our basic drivers throughout life. 

Happiness may be surprisingly contagious. Psychologist James H. Fowler studied the data of 5,000 people over 20 years and found that happiness benefits other people through three degrees of connection, and that the effects last for a year. He says: “We found a statistical relationship not just between your happiness and your friends' happiness, but between your happiness and your friends’ friends’ friends’ happiness.” (PBS: This Emotional Life)

 And staying connected enough to have empathy may be our biggest challenge as a culture.  It's one of the tangled strings in the tangled ball in our texting, friending and posting society.  

But here's the hopeful part (attitude!).  It's all evolving.  There are smart, empathetic connected people who know the value of Facebook, Instagram and all things social media but who are actively giving a generation permission to remember that now, more than ever,  we still need to get to know people face to face.  Adding to the quality of other people's lives adds to the quality of our own. 

It's fairly brave to swim in a slightly different direction.  To say it's ok to embrace something new but to pay attention to the thing that makes us click and makes us whole.  Purpose.

Here's to Ignite Good.  Check out their mission.  I dare you not to be inspired.

Help Aurora Shooting Victim Petra Anderson

Please share this with anyone and everyone you know who was stunned, shocked and saddened about the Aurora shootings.  We can help.

If we can ban together and raise $700,000 for Karen Klein, the bullied school bus monitor, we can also step up to prove that what happened in Aurora isn't the shooter's story.  It's the story of people who got hurt and the people who stepped up to help.  Click on the Ready to Believe: Anderson Relief Fund in above box to hear Petra Anderson's story told by her sister Chloe.

If you choose to help, make that the teachable moment for your kids -- not the fear of going to a movie -- but the job we have as a nation and a community to show that kindness is what gets us back on our feet.  Give them the sense that real power is in showing we care.

Tragedy, Teachable Moments and Empathy

I couldn't bring myself to write a post over the weekend.  I was stunned and sickened and saddened at what happened in Aurora, Colorado.  I'm sure you were, too.

Like everyone else, I'm not sure how to process it.

The only thing I can say is that we won't know what provoked this but we do know how we should react to it.  With empathy.  Deep and genuine empathy.

This is the tricky part.  How do we talk about it with our tweens and teens without scaring them but using it as a moment to help them understand that these were real people and that it's not just a news story?

When I begin to worry that our country is becoming immune to other people's pain, I think of Karen Klein, the grandmother who was heartlessly bullied on the bus by middle school students.  When the video went viral recently, so did the sympathy and support.  It was announced today that the vacation fund for the school bus monitor, started by a stranger from Canada, was closed at $700,000.

Bad things happen...and in the case of Colorado, horrific things happen.  In the case of Karen Klein, parents all over the country and even internationally, were using this as a teachable moment.

In the case of the Aurora shootings, it's not an easy fix.  We can't send someone on vacation and make it all better.

But what can we do?

This article by teen expert and psychologist Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D, gives us a little guidance on how to talk to our kids and how to inspire them to reach out.

Empathy is the anti-bully.

(Is your flag at half-mast?  President Obama has asked that we put our flags at half-mast until sunset on July 25th to honor the victims.)

Goodbye to My White House Pal

Yesterday on Twitter, my son had posted, "A fond farewell to my mom's 'White House buddy.'" That's how I found out that Maurice Sendak had died.

I met him years ago when I worked for Shirley Katzander.  And although part of me admired Shirley,  I still think that the "Devil Wears Prada" movie was really about her.  Shirley was a dynamo.  (For example, I'll never forget the day she let Mike Wallace have it.)  Her clients ranged from Playboy to  Simon and Schuster to Reading Is Fundamental (quite a leap from Playboy to RIF.)

During the 1979 International Year of the Child campaign, RIF sponsored a day of reading at the White House.  Jimmy Carter was in office and Rosalind and Amy were our hostesses.   That's when I met Maurice Sendak.  He was commissioned to do a Where The Wild Things Are poster and he was the special guest at a White House press conference and reception.   Other guests were NBC's John Chancellor,  tennis champ Arthur Ashe, and comedian Carol Burnett (who went out to the hall and called out AAAAAAAMY in the direction of their private quarters to make sure the teen was on her way down so the festivities could start.)

As I mentioned, Shirley was a piece of work but getting to go to this event was worth every grueling minute I worked for her.  Maurice and I got along right away.  He was like a little kid himself in his excitement over being there.  He had become a bit of a recluse so being at the White House where everyone was so thrilled to be with him, was adding to his exuberance.

Towards the end of the day, Mrs. Carter asked Maurice if he wanted a private tour of the White House...and he turned and said, "Come along with me."  So Mrs. Carter took Maurice Sendak and I around the White House, pointing out tidbits about the different china and why the "blue room" was special.  Every time she turned around, Maurice and I would look at each other and mouth, "Are you believing this???!!!!!  It's Rosalind Carter showing us around the place!!!!!!"

The tour ended and so had the event.  When we got back to the lobby, everyone was gone. We walked outside expecting to see our limo.  No limo.  No Shirley.  She was annoyed so she just left us.  The guest of honor...and me.

We got to the end of the driveway having no idea of how to get to our hotel and we had no money.  My purse was in the limo.

So Maurice and I walked a block, then sat on the curb and laughed our heads off.  So much for special treatment.  

When we got our bearings, we kept walking and talking about life.  About what success is and how hard it is to put yourself out there.  I was about to get married and we talked about that...and we talked about how much trouble I was going to get into when we got back to the hotel...and about how you need people even though sometimes people are hard to understand.  He talked about how the day had made him feel more like getting back into the world after his work had been criticized.  (That didn't last long because he is now considered to be one of the most important children's authors of all time.)

We got back to the hotel and of course Shirley was mad but Maurice magically made that all go away by telling Shirley that it was his fault and that he was grateful that I came with him...and then he drew one of his wonderful monsters on one of his posters and signed it to me, "To Susie, My White House Pal  October 11, 1979."

That poster hangs on my wall and although slightly damaged, it gives me total joy.  When I need a laugh, I think about walking down the White House driveway with this great artist and author, who took himself lightly that day.  

I'll never forget it, Maurice.  Thank you.  And I must remember to always take myself lightly.  It's so much more fun.

  

A Question Bullied Kids May Be Asking: Is Love Alive?

Is love alive? For kids who are made to feel worthless by peers, siblings or sadly from some adults in their lives, they may not think so.

This message is simple. We all have what it takes -- two ears, a heart and the opportunity -- to help kids feel like love is alive.

Kids most often suffer from bullying in silence. They cannot know what they cannot see or feel. If they don't have someone in their lives who "sees" them or has the guts to listen to them and feel their pain, then love is not alive for them.

Can we step up and Be the One Go-To Adult? For tips, go to Tangled Ball...but if a little reminder is all it takes, listen to Winter Song again by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson.

"My voice will be a beacon in the night." -- Winter Song

National Be Nice to the New Kid Day

Public schools in the northeast start back to school today. Now that almost everyone in the country has started a new school year, it's a good time to celebrate the National Be Nice to the New Kid Day.

Of course, this is not an official holiday. I just made it up... but why not? If we made a point of telling each one of our children to be nice to the new kid, can you imagine what a positive impact it would make, not only on the new kids but on our schools as a whole?

It only takes a minute to remind them and surprisingly, kids usually step up. Ask them two questions when they come home. "How was your day?" and "Were you nice to the new kid?"

Were you ever the new kid? If so, I bet it doesn't matter how many years it's been because you will always remember whether someone stepped up to be nice to you. A smile or being included at a lunch table could make your whole day. Heck, it could set the right pace for the entire school year.

Now that power is in your child's hands. Empower them. And if they are the new kid, tell them to be nice to the other new kids. Nothing takes care of new school jitters like looking beyond yourself to help someone else.

Good luck and many good wishes for a happy new school year full of growth and joy and happy new relationships.

Thought this was an appropriate day to share this video: No Legs, No Arms, No Worries. Children don't need worries. They do need a little kindness.

Compassion: The Anti-Bully

The horror in Haiti is unreal. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. The compassion we feel for every one suffering is palpable.

Compassion.

At the very least, perhaps this is a teachable moment to pass along to our children. To honor all those in Haiti, perhaps we can be more compassionate toward our peers.

A friend of mine seized the moment when her sons, ages 9 and 11, asked what could be done for the people of Haiti. They decided to ask for pledges for "silence." In return for a small donation, they are going to sit in silence for an hour this coming Saturday. Brilliant.

Building on that teachable moment, we can encourage our kids to be silent instead of saying something to a classmate that might be hurtful. In a small way, it may help teach compassion.

Gossip Girls and Boys Get Lessons In Empathy, a New York Times article from last April made me think of all the simple ways we can teach kids empathy. Not expensive but the most valuable.

For all those involved in helping the people of Haiti, thank you. It's humbling.