First Days of School -- Be Nice to the New Kid Month

By September 7th, most kids up to the age of 18 will be back in school in the U.S. so I've designated September as National 'Be Nice to the New Kid Month.

"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much."   —Blaise Pascal

If you've ever had to walk into a school knowing no one, I don't have to explain the importance of a peer introducing themselves or including you at their lunch table or sharing a book if you don't have one.  For most kids, the fear and anticipation of starting a new school is like jumping out of an airplane. You know other people have survived but you're not sure you will.  That one kind person can feel like soft welcoming ground.

Although I'm sure she doesn't remember me, I'll never forget the girl who was nice to the new kid.  When my family moved from a small town in Indiana to San Juan, Puerto Rico, I was going into 8th grade.  I didn't know the language. I was leaving the world's best friends right before the best year of elementary. And my new brown and yellow uniform could not have been uglier (the phys ed uniform is too embarrassing even to describe) .  A trifecta of horribleness.

To say that I was scared is an understatement.  I wanted to be invisible until Carmelina broke away from her gaggle of friends and switched from Spanish to English as she took me under her wing.  She introduced me to as many people as she could and although they weren't mean, they didn't pay much attention to me either.  I kept thinking how grateful I was to her for getting me through the dreaded first day. Although most of the other girls didn't ever really warm up to me, Carmelina was kind every single day until graduation.

Kathryn Otoshi, author of the award-winning children's book,One, knows that this is a subject near and dear to my heart so she sent me a copy of Wonder.  It beautifully illustrates the plight of the new or different kid and the tangled ball of emotions most kids experience.  They need mentors.  We are their "Go-To Adults."

So when you drop your kids off at school and you remind them to "be nice to the new kid," know you're raising a leader and this former "new kid" is cheering you on.

Students Encouraged to Be Their "Best Selves" at P.S. 69

Our school has been placing an emphasis on exposing our students to Character Traits such as Respect, Patience, Tolerance, Responsibility, and Loyalty (just to name a few.) This emphasis shows them that truly exhibiting these traits will allow them to collaborate and communicate effectively. -- P.S. 69

P.S. 69 is keeping their eye of the prize.

Last week was big for New York schools.  Testing Week!  Administration, teachers and students gear up for this day from the first day of school.  Everything seems to lead to this ever important time.

Correction.  Almost everything.  At P.S. 69, they have a wider goal.  It's making sure that students learn how to treat each other and become their "best selves" all year round.

As part of One Can Count, sponsored by NYS Senator Lanza, every grade level and every classroom used Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning books One and Zero as a foundation to promote the concept that "Everyone Counts." (The school even involved the parents by asking the second graders to perform a play based on One for the PTA meeting.)  Although the new core curriculum has taken over and has been a time consuming focus, P.S. 69 didn't want character education to go by the wayside.

And good for them because as the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence explains,

Our research shows that students with higher emotional intelligence are better prepared to manage their emotional lives so that they can focus, learn, and do their best in school.

Inspiring kids takes time, energy and a lot of creativity.  Hats off to ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Nest Coach Stefanie Martingano, and principal Doreen E. Murphy for making sure their students gain leadership skills because leadership is the anti-bully.  Teachers get in on the act, as well, and wear their One Can Count t-shirts to remind the students that "Sometimes It Just Takes One." With the help of the staff, each student has received the message that they are a leader.

Even before the tests were finished, it was clear that this is a school full of winners.

P.S. 45 Takes "Respect For All' Seriously All Year Long

Visiting Staten Island's P.S. 45 (John Tyler School) inspired me.  (For those reading this outside of New York City, P.S. stands for Public School.)

Every student in this elementary school participated in an awesome kick-off  assembly honoring Respect for All Week.  The students were led in a special reading of Kathryn Otoshi's book Zero by a group of their peers involved in the SOAR program.  (To facilitate character building,  New York State Senator Andrew Lanza sponsored One Can Count in all the elementary schools in his district.  Multiple copies of One and Zero were provided to each school.)

According to guidance counselor and SOAR mentor Libby McPike,

SOAR stands for Safe Organized Attitude Respect. It's our school wide positive behavior model. Kids follow these expectations and when caught doing well, can be rewarded with eagle dollars (eagle is our school mascot). Then they shop in the SOAR STORE for items anywhere from erasers to DVD players (all run on donations). 

P.S. 45's approach to teaching respect and character education is one more example to me that "leadership is the anti-bully." And sometimes teaching leadership takes a bit of creativity. Ms. Libby and her students have plenty of that to share. Here's just a snippet of the kind of activities that this dedicated professional and the students she mentors have developed to engage the entire school -- staff and students alike -- in the empowering messages of kindness, tolerance and respect. 

Monday: 

Wear Purple: Purple is the color of good judgment. It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. Purple is a good color to use in meditation. Purple has been used to symbolize magic and mystery, as well as royalty. Being the combination of red and blue, the warmest and coolest colors, purple is believed to be the ideal color. 

Activity: Good Deed CatalogIt goes without saying that it’s important to teach kids to do nice things for one another. During Respect for All Week, keep a running tally of good deeds that students perform. These can include helping clean up, consoling a sad classmate, sharing, helping out a friends, etc. Tell your class that if they reach a certain number of good deeds for the week, they will receive some sort of prize (Ex. Lunch with the teacher, homework pass, Good Deed Certificate, Etc.)

On the day I visited, the gym it was an enthusiastic sea of purple. 

After reading the book, the group of SOAR students (as young as 3rd grade) led the entire school in a question and answer session based on the themes of Zero, including "What does it mean to have a hole in your middle?" and "How did it feel to have the other numbers step up?".

5 Things I Learned at P.S. 45

•    A thoughtful, creative and enthusiastic administration is the foundation for promoting high quality character education.  (A shout out to principal Ms. Chavez and parent coordinator Mrs. Poli who allowed me to be there and so graciously welcomed me to their school.)

•  It's a worthy commitment to create an environment where leadership is part of the culture year round.

•  Helping students develop leadership skills such as public speaking gives children confidence and confidence is the key to resilience.

•  When students are expected to listen to each other and value each person's opinion, they rise to the occasion.  (Note:  Amazing how many students were eager to be a part of the question/answer session.  The students obviously felt safe to share their opinions with a gym full of their peers.)

•  The students had fun.  Teaching children to step up helps children SOAR and it's never boring.

(Speaking of "stepping up," Ms. Libby went the extra step and wore purple shoes!)

Teaching leadership and respect takes a lot of hard work.  Mentoring children is exhausting and never a perfect process.  For those reasons, I am deeply grateful for the fine professionals at P.S. 45 and other schools around the country who hang in there every day and give it 100%.  You deserve a parade.

Thank you.

Connecting the Dots: Daydreaming, Resilience and Bullying Prevention

There's an upside and a downside to our focus on bullying prevention.  The upside, of course, is that we're shedding light on the pervasive culture of mean that is destroying the confidence of so many children and teens.  

The downside is that the conversation doesn't go deep enough.  Should we be talking just about prevention or should we be spending some time exploring what makes children resilient?  I'd love to think that we can "prevent" all bullying.  With a lot more work and dare I say, money,  I definitely think we can change the balance in schools and homes...but kids will always face the challenge of mean behavior.

So what's the difference between the child/teen that carries the hurt with them forever and the person that not only survives but thrives?  I've talked with 80 year olds that tell me that the hurt stuck with them for their whole lives and the negative experience had somehow formed them.  That's how deep the silent pain hides in the soul.  What if that long tail of pain could have been blunted?  What if their ability to become resilient was nurtured?

The subject of resilience is as intricate as the topic of bullying but it deserves it's day in the sun.  

I highly recommend reading Carolyn George's article "18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently in the Huffington Post.

Many of the most iconic stories and songs of all time have been inspired by gut-wrenching pain and heartbreak -- and the silver lining of these challenges is that they may have been the catalyst to create great art. An emerging field of psychology called post-traumatic growth is suggesting that many people are able to use their hardships and early-life trauma for substantial creative growth. Specifically, researchers have found that trauma can help people to grow in the areas of interpersonal relationships, spirituality, appreciation of life, personal strength, and -- most importantly for creativity -- seeing new possibilities in life. 

When we allow kids to daydream, it nurtures their individual creativity.  Their creativity defines them as  a unique powerful person.  When kids are allowed to go into "the zone," they are happier and more satisfied.  It's harder to negatively impact a person who knows what makes them feel the joy of their own individuality.  Creativity comes in so many forms...art, music, writing, sports, film, tv production, theater, even developing video games...anything that takes vision.  

So here's a tip.  Allow your children to spend time staring out a window or laying on the floor listening to music or curling up in a chair and relaxing.  It's time well spent.  Their creativity may sustain them for the rest of their lives.

Are the Next Great Leaders At P.S. 22?

ABC's The View celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. Day by asking Staten Island's P.S. 22 Chorus to appear on their show to sing, "We Shall Overcome."  The song was interspersed with students reciting  lines from Dr. King's famous "I Have A Dream" speech.

P.S. 22 is known for its famous chorus.  They've sung with incredible musical artists as well as making appearances at The White House and the Oscars, among many other incredible venues, thanks to the passion of their musical director, Gregg Breinberg (or affectionately called, Mr. B.)  Mr. B. took a small elementary school job on Staten Island and did it so well that eventually the world took notice.  That's a lesson in loving what you do and doing the best job possible.  That's leadership.

But P.S. 22 is more than the famous chorus.  It's a school full of students learning to be leaders.  I was speaking with the school last week, and they are equally enthusiastic about the many projects they do with the entire student body to ensure that they are contributing to society and becoming the best people possible.

Among other efforts, students from Kindergarten through 5th grade have recently participated in the Warm and Cozy Drive, a winter clothing collection for children in need, they've collected books, blankets and stuffed animals for kids living in shelters, visited nursing homes forging relationships with the residents and working together on art projects, hosted food drives and collected various items for our soldiers.

In other words, all the students at P.S. 22 are stars.  Stars burn bright for many reasons.  It could be using a talent to perform or performing acts of kindness.  Both bring joy to others.  Congratulations to the hard working P.S. 22 staff and their efforts in bringing out the best in these little leaders.  (Leadership is the anti-bully.)

It doesn't have to be Martin Luther King, Jr. Day to appreciate that every child has their own dream.

                        

Getting Creative and Teaching Leadership at P.S. 55

Students are learning that One Can Count at P.S. 55 on Staten Island.

Fifth graders are the experts as they partner with the Kindergartners to reinforce the message, "Everyone Counts."  After reading Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One, the mentors got together with their younger counterparts to lead them in an activity that demonstrates that everyone is unique, beautiful and valuable.  (One is an ageless children's book which beautifully and simply inspires kids -- and adults, too -- to step up for themselves and for others.)

A One Can Count team of teachers and staff came up with the idea of doing something seasonal that expressed the importance of respecting each other's differences.  As the partners created their own snowflakes together, the students had fun getting to know one another as well as crafting something that they could display with pride.

There are so many positive things about P.S. 55's efforts.

Using a Simple Tool

NYS Senator Andrew Lanza provided 30 copies of One and 30 copies of it's companion book, Zero, to each elementary school in his district on Staten Island.  Inspired by the book and the gift, P.S. 55 set out to ensure that each student received their own personal copy of One.

Mentoring

The message of One is for all ages but when you make the older students the teachers, they take ownership of the concepts of kindness, empowerment, and positive action.  There are countless benefits of mentoring but perhaps placing students in a leadership role is the most powerful.  Leadership is the Anti-Bully.

Staff Involvement

When administration, teachers, guidance counselors, parent coordinators and other staff members get together to promote leadership, it's a message to students that they're important.  In essence, it demonstrates leadership and students learn by example.

Enthusiasm

Think about it.  Children learn more when they feel emotionally safe and when they're having fun.  The fact that Kindergartners have a friend in the 5th grade is a big deal.  Add to that, the time spent doing a creative activity brings joy to both.

Compassion

Empathy is easier to teach when students are asked to look out for someone younger.  Compassion helps students become "upstanders," the secret weapon against bullying.  When kids step up for one another in mean situations, the bullying stops in seconds.

Hats off to Principal Sharon Fishman, Guidance Counselor Arlene Donnelly, staff members Juleah Bracker and Julia Lucchese and of course and most importantly, the brilliant students at P.S. 55.  Getting creative and teaching leadership helps create a school climate of cooperation.

In other words, P.S. 55 itself is like a snowflake -- unique and beautiful.

Principals Have the Power to Encourage Leadership: The Anti-Bully

Leadership is not a rank or a position. Leadership is a service to be given. -- Simon Sinek

Leadership comes in all sizes, shapes, colors, and ages.  That's the message being given at P.S. 23, a wonderful elementary school on Staten Island that I recently had the privilege to visit.P.S. 23 takes leadership seriously.  As part of The Leader In Me program, each student from Kindergarten through 5th grade is taught the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen R. Covey.Often when I walk into a school and see motivational messages on the walls, I think, "that's really nice"...but do they actually promote this to the students in a more meaningful way?  Well, I got my answer during the assembly that I led about One Can Count. (Thanks to Senator Lanza for making One Can Count available in Staten Island elementary schools.) When I asked questions about respect and stepping up for one another, I got answers like "Seek first to understand and then be understood."  Or "it's about trust."  These are sophisticated concepts for such young students, but kids are smart and when you treat them like they are, they rise to the occasion.Before the principal, Mr. Paul Proscia,  introduced me, he spoke with the children first.  He set it up by reminding them that they are all leaders.  (By the way, he was not talking to them like children.  He was talking to them like intelligent adults in the making.   It was a sea of little faces but their brains were active and engaged.)  He is helping them change the perception of leadership by explaining that leaders are everywhere --  as construction workers, business people, police officers, teachers, nurses, cafeteria workers.  "The president is a leader but you don't have to be president to be considered a leader."

Sound simplistic?  It's not.  These are messages every 5 year-old and up needs to hear in school.  Each child needs to be seen, heard and given the feeling that their unique personalities and talents make them leadership material.

At P.S. 23, they are given the opportunity to be leaders, including being a "Leader of the Month."  The rubric that decides if you get this honor is not based on grades.  It's based on showing respect, helping others, academic effort and using their talents in productive ways.

Mr. Proscia made One the Book of the Month for the entire school.  Before I even made my visit, they understood what the book was about.  It's about stepping up.  It's about being yourself.  It's about inclusion.  It's about leadership.

Why should a school make leadership and social emotional learning a priority?  The children do better in school.  That's it.  Bottom line.  They become their "best self."

Sometimes it just takes One.  

P.S. 23 is a One.

What a Treat: A Lesson on Trust

Since the book, One, was the Book of the Month at a local elementary school, I was asked to come talk to Kindergarten through 5th grade about how One Can Count.

In the course of the assembly, I asked "Why was it important for the other colors to step up with One?"

Many hands went up in the audience but I called on a 4th grade girl.  She looked me in the eye and said, "It's about trust."

That is not the answer I was expecting and I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since.

Trust is a fairly sophisticated concept but obviously, something that kids understand.  A school or home where trust is a priority is a safe place.  

Trick or Treat?  A lesson on trust from an 8 year-old "expert" is really a treat.

Kindergarten: Good Time to Create Good School Relationship

There are four strings in the tangled ball of bullying that I think are really important:

•  Early Prevention

•  Parenting

•  Parent-School Relationship

•  Role of the Bystander (Upstander!)

I thought of all four of these as I watched the first day of Kindergarten unfold at a school in my neighborhood.

Kindergarten is such a beautiful milestone.  The kids are adorable and excited and the parents are interested in getting them on the right path.

In other words, everyone is anxious to be at their best so it becomes a huge teachable opportunity for the kids and the adults!  Kindergarten teachers have a big job.  They teach kids everything from tying their shoes to reading...but they're also teaching the parents how to be "school ready" and how to get involved in their children's education.

Part of that education is how the kids treat each other (early prevention and becoming upstanders) but also how parents (parenting) should interact with the school and how the school should communicate with the parent (parent-school relationship).

Does your school encourage a healthy parent/school relationship?

Please share the good and/or the bad.  It's one of the key ingredients to a successful school career and we can all learn from each other.

The Leader In Me

By now, most people have heard through the news that Pennsylvania 12-year-old Bailey O'Neill died of injuries believed to be the result of physical bullying.  He tried to walk away but found himself being attacked and his head slammed to the ground.  He passed away days later. A day after his 12th birthday, his parents removed his life support.

As I sat in a recent The Leader In Me conference, I couldn't help wishing that all schools were required to go to a conference like this.  Leadership is one of the key strings in the tangled ball of bullying.  Bullying often becomes a one-note conversation and those that need to be listening the most, tune it out. I thought about the boys who attacked Bailey and wondered if they were ever encouraged to be leaders.

Based on Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, The Leader In Me is not a program necessarily, but the foundation of positive school climate.  

Amazingly, even pre-schoolers are effectively trained to:

•  Be Proactive
•  Begin With the End in Mind
•  Put First Things First
•  Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
•  Synergize
•  Sharpen the Saw (Take Care of Yourself -- i.e., Exercise, Eat Well)

Part of the conference included school visits, as well as young students presenting at the conference itself.  I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it for myself.  Kids can be taught to be compassionate, work as a team, plan, prioritize, step up, and take responsibility for themselves.

It just makes sense.  There is a leader in every single child.  

(Awesome students from P.S. 20 in Brooklyn entertained us with the 7 Habits theme.)

There were many fantastic, inspiring speakers and presenters but perhaps the standout was a young girl in her early teens who was obviously very shy and reluctant to speak.  Out of the eight or nine kids in the group, she said the least...until the final question of the session was asked.  "Has The Leader in Me program affected you personally, and if so, how?"

You could almost see that her brain and her heart were struggling to decide whether she had the courage to ignore her fear and stand up in front of the nearly 200 people in the audience and answer.  She suddenly stood and said something like, "Before this, I was doing bad in school in every way.  I wasn't studying and I was getting into trouble.  Since the chance to learn how to be a leader came along, I decided that if I could learn how to do better, I could (then she began to cry) make my mother proud of me."  (Believe me, everyone cried with her as we all encouraged her with applause.)

When I heard about Bailey's death, I thought "Poor baby."  When I think of the boys who are responsible, I think "Poor babies."  They're all children who need to be taught skills and how to take responsibility for their lives.  Shame on us, if  we ignore the basics because it doesn't fall under a category that can be measured by testing.

There are schools answering that call.

What if each child was encouraged to tap into their strengths?  What are the chances that pervasive bullying would survive in that environment?  

What's there to lose, excepted wasted time disciplining?  What's there to gain?  Ask Bailey's parents.

One Can Count

Watch NYOne!

New Elementary School Leadership Program Launches.  

One Can Count!

Last Friday was a good day, thanks to Senator Andrew Lanza and P.S. 5, a beautiful elementary school in Staten Island, New York.

It was a day that we celebrated leadership with Kindergartners and Fifth Graders.  These partners have been involved in the One Can Count campaign since October.  (We planned the launch for October 29th but Sandy had other plans.)  As partners, they're working on lessons of respect and having fun at the same time.

One Can Count is based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning children's book, One.  Like many others -- children and adults alike -- I was inspired by this beautiful book that simply and insightfully boils down the issue of bullying to numbers, letters and a meaningful message about stepping up.

I reached out to Ms. Otoshi and together we came up with ways to use One in individual elementary school classrooms or as a school-wide mentoring campaign.  Kids are the experts which is why we made them the teachers.

We hope these help you inspire your little leaders because leadership is the anti-bully.  Go to Tangled Ball.com and download the materials for free.

(A special thanks to Nancy DeMuro for getting the Tangled Ball rolling!)

Kathryn Otoshi and students share the message of One!:

Leadership Can Be Giving Your Last Bucket of Sand or Singing A Song to Ease the Hurt

A few days after Sandy, I found this sign stapled to a poll on the beach in New Dorp, Staten Island.  It reads,

Thank you to the little girl who gave me her last bucket of sand from the beach to fill my sandbags on Sunday afternoon.  From Melissa, Millbank Rd.  

 Do some kids just have more empathy than others?  I think so...but can most kids learn empathy?  I also think so.

The more I'm in schools and just observe children, in general, I think we might be missing the boat in bullying prevention, especially with younger children.

I just finished The Leader In Me by Stephen Covey.  This is a well known school program created by the author of the extremely popular 7 Habits of Highly Successful People.

In a nutshell, The Leader In Me makes teaching leadership in school, including kindergarten and elementary school, a priority.  The result?  Less bullying issues but a lot of other benefits, too.  Schools who focus on leadership often have better test scores, experience an enjoyable school climate, happier teachers and more well-rounded students.

This makes sense to me which is why 2013 is Tangled Ball's Year of Leadership.  

Kids want to be strong.  Often, that's why they "bully."  If we teach kids to be strong by giving them real leadership skills, I guarantee there will be less mean behavior.  Who doesn't want happier, empowered kids, better test scores and less trips to the principals' office?

Giving kids chances to be leaders is the trick.  Giving adults a reason to compliment their children goes a long way to inspire kids to want to do well, including being good to their peers.

Sounds old-fahioned.  It is.  Let's bring it back anyway.

I'd love to hear your ideas on how to change our schools, ONE little leader at a time.

Speaking of leaders, here's a beautiful example of adults and kids coming together and creating a way to step up to help others feel better.  I dare you not to cry as you listen to Ingrid Michaelson (coincidentally from Staten Island) and the kids of Newtown sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

Young Kids, Bullying Prevention and Inspiring Leaders

What perfect timing.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month and this morning I had a great conversation with an elementary school principal.  She brought up a great point.  She was worried that kids seem to react the opposite way when they host a bullying prevention assembly in the school.

She says that during the days immediately following the assembly, she gets a flood of kids coming to her telling her hat they've been bullied but  somehow, the kids it was supposed to affect -- the kids who are actually being mean -- don't get the message at all.

This is not to say that all assemblies are bad.  It's possible that the messages that experts are delivering in assemblies are getting through to a certain number of kids but how do you make sustainable change in a school?

Just as there are multiple problems complicating the bullying issue, there are multiple solutions.  When I talk about solutions, I'm talking about ways to improve the school climate.  I don't think "bullying" can be wiped out completely but I do think we can change the balance in the school to one that feels safe and somewhat nurturing.  We also have to know how to help when a child has been bullied because it will continue to happen no matter what prevention measures you put into place.  The goal is to have every child feel confident -- but they will never be totally immune to mean behavior.

I think the focus has to change from "bullying" to "leadership," especially when you're talking to kids K-8.

Last week, my friend Nancy and I went to an evening sponsored by NBC's outreach effort, Education Nation.  The topic was bullying and it was co-hosted by correspondent, Kate Snow.  One of the guest panelists was Izzy Kalman, founder of Bullies2Buddies.  He is a self-described opponent of the anti-bully movement.  His theory is that we have to start teaching kids to stand up for themselves.  He says it's the frustration of being a victim that leads to bad things -- like mass shootings and self harm.

His counterpart on the panel was Thomas Krever, Executive Director of the Hetrick-Martin Institute and although they disagreed on some of the approaches to kids being bullied, they seemed to come to a similar conclusion.

Although they didn't say it in these exact words, it comes down to teaching kids to be leaders.

Sound simple?  Simple concept and a lot of hard work to get there.  It has to start really young.  Pre-K and Kindergarten are not too early.

Leadership is the anti-bully.  If we can teach children from a young age how to be leaders,  there will be a better climate in the classroom.  A happier place leads to a more thoughtful place.  I really think all teachers and parents should read Stan Davis's book,  Schools Where Everyone Belongs.

In a way, I wish October could be We Need More Leaders month.  To that end, there are free materials and suggestions on the Tangled Ball site.  Free because it's really important that we work together to give children back their childhoods.

(By the way, I hope Kate Snow has recovered.  Ms. Snow is no stranger to news stories about bullying but I don't think she could have been ready for the raw emotions that spilled over that night.  Although kids were in the room, it was the adults that shared the most about the scars that cruel behavior has left behind.  It was a reminder why it's so important to keep going.)

A New School Year. How's it Going?

It's a new school year and for those of you who are reading this and didn't have such a great year last year, I hope things are much better this year.  Things can change.  Sometimes the mix of the students in a classroom changes, sometimes they can get a more understanding and patient teacher, sometimes they find new friends.

Whatever it is, enjoy it.

And for those of you who are worried that things haven't changed at all, I am so sorry.  This post isn't about the kids as much as it's about you.

Parents worry and worrying can make us sick.  When our kids are unhappy, it's hard to feel joy.

I often talk about being the Be the One Go-To Trusted Adult for kids but I think adults need a trusted adult, too.  Often, bullying is hard to talk about with others, even other parents.  Although you may have a good group of friends, it can be difficult to discuss it if their kids aren't experiencing the same thing.  It almost feels like you and your child are singled out.  It can be very isolating and who wants to feel like a "loser."  No one.  Child or adult.

But just as kids shouldn't feel alone, neither should the parents.  It's good to reach out to other people who can genuinely sympathize, offer perspective and some general support.

And if you're not experiencing a particular issue with bullying this year but understand it all too well, try to reach out to the moms and dads who are tied up in knots over their children's sadness caused by meanness from peers.  Sometimes it just takes a smile -- and the knowledge that you can keep a confidence -- to give other parents the energy they need to support their children and to keep pushing through.

I am sending you good wishes for all good things as this year unfolds.

Lessons from Caine's Arcade

Please watch the whole thing. It will not disappoint.

One of the books I recommend for early bullying prevention is Have You Filled a Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud. (You can also download great materials for kids ages 4-9. But to be honest, older kids really get this story, too, so have older kids mentor younger ones using this -- you'll be amazed at how it works.)

The lessons are simple but ageless: either you're a person who dips into someone's bucket and takes something away from them emotionally by being mean or you fill a person's bucket with kindness.

The is one of the most beautiful bucket filling stories I've ever seen. Please share it because everyone needs a little bucket filling.

Hope this starts out your Monday with a smile. (And Nirvan, you are so cool. Sometimes it just takes ONE.)

A Question Bullied Kids May Be Asking: Is Love Alive?

Is love alive? For kids who are made to feel worthless by peers, siblings or sadly from some adults in their lives, they may not think so.

This message is simple. We all have what it takes -- two ears, a heart and the opportunity -- to help kids feel like love is alive.

Kids most often suffer from bullying in silence. They cannot know what they cannot see or feel. If they don't have someone in their lives who "sees" them or has the guts to listen to them and feel their pain, then love is not alive for them.

Can we step up and Be the One Go-To Adult? For tips, go to Tangled Ball...but if a little reminder is all it takes, listen to Winter Song again by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson.

"My voice will be a beacon in the night." -- Winter Song

5 More Tips on How To Be the One Go-To Adult

Elizabeth Lasky , a leader in social work, specializing in bullying, cyberbullying and relationship issues, spoke at a conference in NYC recently. I was struck by her grasp of the bullying issue and her common sense approach.

She works with kids on their own turf and seems to really understand how their world works. Often, there's a disconnect between what an expert will advise and what really works for kids.

The reason I followed up with her is that while she was on the panel, she said that she asks kids to write down on a piece of paper the name of the person they would go talk to if they had an issue.

In other words, who would be their Go-To Adult? This is key. You can't advise kids to talk to a trusted adult when they haven't thought of who that person would be or if that person doesn't have the tools to be the "trusted adult."

Liz kindly contributed her tips to our Be the One Go-To Adult Campaign. She kept them simple but powerful:

5 TIPS FOR THE GO-TO PARENT

1. TALK TO YOUR KIDS!

2. Treat your kids as the expert!

3. Be supportive. If there’s a problem, work together patiently.

4. Promote good digital citizenship.

5. Seek help – help your child create a web of support.


5 TIPS FOR THE GO-TO TEACHER

1. Get to know your school policy

2. If you see bullying, INTERVENE IMMEDIATELY

3. Report the incident to the right person

4. Make your classroom a safe place that embraces tolerance and respect.

5. As a follow up, check in with all students after any incident.


One that is not often discussed is if you're a teacher, 1.)"Get to know your school policy."

Believe it or not, many principals don't know their school policy...or if they have one. If the school isn't clear about a bullying policy, help them. Do a little research and find out what other schools are doing. Some states, such as Massachusetts and New Jersey have public school policies in place by law (and I'm a little on the fence about them). But what about the other states...and what about private and/or parochial schools?

This is an area where parents and teachers can make a huge contribution by being an advocate. Don't get mad. Do something.

Lessons on 9/11 are Good for 9/12, Too

I've had a lump in my throat and a heavy heart all week. My heart aches for the many families we know who had the worst thing happen to them on this day 10 years ago. Of course, I have my own story of fear and confusion but at the end of the day, my family was intact.

Since we had so many in our neighborhood on Staten Island who were directly and tragically affected, I assumed that my kids were basically ok. But perhaps my kids, like so many others, may have been afraid to say they weren't ok. It must have frightened kids to see their parents so visibly full of shock, fear, and sadness. Many parents were functioning but not in a way that gave kids the comfort that there was someone in charge. There is no one to blame for that except the evil people who carried out this plot.

But now with the privilege of time, we know there are lessons to be learned. Among them are how to talk to kids and address some of the things that may be causing anxiety. These pieces of advice from Common Sense are invaluable and can be used beyond the anniversary.

And of course, I have to bring this around to the issue of bullying. Kids in elementary school do not remember 9/11. Organizations, such as My Good Deed, that are promoting 9/11 as a national day of service should be commended and supported. I have a suggestion. Make it a Day of Service as well as a day to promote peer to peer respect. What do you think of this idea?

So I wish you peace on this important day. And if you are denied peace, please know that you are valued.

Why Anti-Bullying Programs Miss the Mark

Couldn't have said it better myself...so I didn't try. Enjoy this great article from Jane and Blair:

(Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com)

As I direct my focus to a new school year about to begin, I reflect back on the past school year and the approaches I’ve seen schools take to address school bullying among their students and their staff. The one that really misses the mark is starting an anti-bullying program.
It is common for us to see something we don’t like and to join an anti-[fill in the blank] campaign. We talk about, write about, and complain about how bad it is. Our focus is on resisting the thing we don’t like, in this case bullying. We push against it. And that’s the problem.

What We Resist Persists

There’s an old saying: What we resist persists. Put another way, when we are negative about an issue, we perpetuate or spread negativity.

When we jump on the anti-bullying bandwagon, our attention, energy and focus are on the negativity of bullying. From this place of negativity, we lack emotional access to positive solutions. The anti name has a persistent negative influence.

As an alternative to a dooms day attitude or an angry approach, a more effective option is to recognize the bullying we see. Name it. Be curious about it. Look at it from several angles. But don’t stay stuck there.

Once we’ve gotten clear on what we are seeing and where it is coming from, work to clarify what we DO want. We want better social skills, social competence, emotional intelligence, social intelligence, healthy friendships, a positive culture, a positive climate, and positive role models.

A Springboard to Create a Replacement of Bullying Behavior

This positive focus gives us a springboard to create what we want.
Once we know what we want in bullying prevention, our job is to provide structures, training, and ongoing support for our students and for our school staff – all based on a focus of creating what we want, not on stopping what we don’t want.

Let’s replace those anti-bullying posters (of kids bullying or being bullied) with posters representing healthy friendships and acts of kindness. Start social skills training early. Put forth positive examples, language and visuals everywhere to influence your students in a positive way!

© 2011 A Way Through, LLC

Expert Rick Ackerly: Yes! Schools Can -- and Should -- Teach Empowerment

I follow Rick Ackerly's blog, The Genius in Children (and his book, The Genius in Children: Bringing out the best in your child is a must if you're a parent or an educator.) Rick is a nationally known author, speaker and educator but I like to call him "the school fix-it guy". His approach to education and to kids, in general, is really refreshing. He tells it like it is and treats kids like people, meaning they have a lot going on in their brains and hearts. I asked him the following question. And although, I love his entire answer, I especially like what he says about "labeling" kids. (I also love the ten Disciplines of a Learner and the fact that when he was a principal, he had it printed on the report card.)

Is there a place for teaching empowerment in schools? If so, how important is it to the success of the individual student and to the school as a whole?

Yes, of course, schools should teach empowerment, it is in fact their job. Empowerment is critical to the success of the individuals in the school (adults as well as children). It is, also, critical to the success of the school as a learning community—even if it only aspires to be a teach-and-test academy.

Because of all the baggage around words like power, empowerment, powerful people, I have rarely used them. I think it is slightly better to say: In a good school the measure of a person’s authority is their ability to increase the authority of others. A good principal increases the authority of the teachers, the teachers increase the authority of the students. The quality of adult authority is a function of the degree to which it increases the authority of the children. (Yes, I am trying to change the way we normally think of authority.) Isn't that one way to look at an educated person: she's an authority on something?

To begin with, naming types of people is worse than useless. Our brains take to it naturally, but we need to exercise a certain set of mental disciplines to resist the temptation and, instead, strive toward seeing ourselves and others as unique. One could define education as the process of transcending the generalizations we make of ourselves and others, because the purpose of education is accurate self-definition, and generalizations are distortions of reality.

As all good doctors are charged with helping people learn how to take care of themselves, all teachers and parents should be charged with helping students have a growth mindset about themselves. In my vision children would never be named bully or victim, because once you have a label in your head, you spend the rest of your life being NOT that, and you are off the track of defining yourself; you have let a label frame your development.

In order to change behavior, we have to change the cognitive constructs of the social context, and to do that we have to change our language. If I am on either end of a bully-victim continuum, then my goal is to be somewhere in between, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to be neither here nor there. But my job, remember, is to define myself uniquely in the world.

It is more empowering to have two continua: “takes a stand” more or less, and “cares for others” more or less. I can evaluate my progress toward self-actualization by using a four point scale with 4 being “consistently” and 1 being “rarely.” Of course, I would want to be “4” on both.

Speaking for myself, for example, when I was in grade school, I was a 2 (“sometimes”) on the first scale and a 3 (“usually”) on the second. I avoided conflict (and bullies). When in trouble, I usually presented the jugular vein. People liked me because I geniunely cared about all people, especially the underdogs. I was often elected president of the class. Becoming all I could be in the world has required that I learn to go nose to nose with people without getting mad, stating my position clearly and firmly without trying to defeat the other person. It has been the challenge of a lifetime, and although most people would give me an “outstanding” on “takes a stand,” and although I might sometimes give myself a “4,” I know that I still have a natural tendency to present the jugular vein and usually try to defuse conflict with humor or charm. I rarely go nose to nose with people, and feel that that somehow makes me less of a man, even though I know it’s not true. At the age of 66 I am still working to fulfill the image I have defined for myself.

To help people toward this double-headed challenge of defining Self in Relationship parents and teachers can establish a set of disciplines. At my last two schools we put the following list of ten “Disciplines of a Learner” on page one of the report card.

“Disciplines of a Learner:”
1. Asks questions
2. Speaks up
3. Uses mistakes as learning opportunities
4. Takes criticism constructively
5. Builds on other people’s ideas
6. Welcomes a challenge
7. Takes risks
8. Listens with an openness to change
9. Perseveres in tasks
10. Knows when to lead and when to follow.

Notice that one could actually count the defined behaviors and use the 4 point scale more or less objectively. If all schools focused on graduating eighth graders who are skilled at using all the tools in this toolbox, all of our graduates would be great learners, great leaders and great students—powerful people.

As I wrote in “Banishing Bullying” A person’s behavior is strongly influenced by the social context. Establishing these disciplines as normative in a school can have a powerful effect on all other aspects of school culture and create the conditions in which victims nearly disappear and bullies are more easily confronted and changed into truly powerful people.

Genius, Rick!