One Can Count Moment

Bullying and a Lesson in Forgiveness

On Wednesday night, I had the pleasure of speaking at St. John's University. Along with me, were four other presenters, including Hashim Garrett, a Guardian Angel, an outstanding speaker and an unforgettable person.

He spoke about his experience as a young boy looking to belong...so he joined a gang. At the age of 15, he was shot 6 times in the legs and spine by someone looking for revenge. He spoke about "dying" and his soul separating from his body but the sound of his mother's voice in the ambulance, doing what he says mothers do best -- nagging -- brought him back. And he was grateful. He said that as he lay dying, it wasn't his fellow gang members he thought about. It was his mother. (He also made me laugh when he said that one of his thoughts as they put him in the ambulance was that his mother would be proud of him because he was wearing clean socks!)

After 6 months in the hospital, he was sent home to cover both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Since then, he has spent his time talking to kids about FORGIVENESS. As a teen, he was able to dig down as deep as a person can go to find the courage to forgive the person who shot him. But even more important, he says, he forgave himself. He forgave himself for the bad choices he made as a 12-15 year-old who chose the wrong path in order to belong.

His talk came at the end of four presentations about the tangled mess of bullying, cyber bullying and suicide. Although forgiveness wasn't necessarily something I thought of as part of the bullying prevention dialogue, it was the perfect thing to round out the evening.

One of the strings in this tangled mess is forgiveness and growth. These are kids. Kids make mistakes and hopefully, they don't all have to learn through drastic means, that you learn from your mistakes.

You can overcome mean behavior, you can respect others and grow from being that child who tries to belong any way possible. That's our job. Whether they're the bully, the target or the bystander, we need to help them grow...and be kind...and forgive.

Why forgive? It breaks the cycle. It brings new life.

Future Teachers are Key in Untangling Bullying

As part of a regular lecture series, I was invited, along with a St. John's University professor, to make a presentation to education students regarding the issues of bullying and cyber bullying.

I walked away feeling like I was the lucky person to learn something. It struck me how important it is to raise awareness and offer training to future teachers.

They were a great audience. Engaged and compassionate.

In this tangled mess, teachers represent one of the most critical strings. As most people know, most bullying doesn't happen in the classroom but the most consistent pieces of advice that experts give children is "Tell a trusted adult."

Aha! I think we've hit upon a huge disconnect -- but with training it can be improved. Adults, either in school or at home, don't really know what to do and kids know that instinctively. Even well meaning teachers say the wrong thing that can make a child feel even more isolated and hopeless.

OK, so here's an example that I hope horrifies you as much as it horrifies me. In my travels, I was visiting a 3rd grade classroom recently and although I wasn't there to discuss bullying, it must have been on their minds. Their hands were waving and their little bodies popping out of their seats trying to shout out their stories of bullying. I was shocked at their need to tell me all of this in such a flood of urgency. I wasn't sure why until I asked the teacher in front of the students, "Mrs. X, what do you think?" and she, (hold on to your seats) says "Oh, don't worry. They were just bullying you 'with love."

What????? Is that even possible? I don't think so.

You catch my drift. The kids can't confide in her. She makes it worse.

I think we really need to make high quality training mandatory or at least very accessible. There are many top notch organizations such as the National School Climate Center who host workshops. What if the school doesn't have the money? Have a fundraiser and send at least one or two teachers who can come back and share the materials and information. Teachers are not supposed to be social workers but they should feel prepared to react in an effective way when their students need them, especially when it directly affects the class climate. Teachers are also in a position to stop bullying behavior when they see it in their classroom or when they're walking the halls. They can also help encourage kids to be good digital citizens because young teachers, especially, have a better understanding of how kids communicate online.

I applaud St. John's for making this a part of their education outreach for future teachers. The children in their care will be very fortunate.

What Happens? A Girl's Heartfelt Question About Bullying

This original poem was read as part of a presentation on bullying prevention at St. John's University. When I told the presenter, Ariel, how much I liked the poem, she introduced me to the author, Alexandra, her twin sister. Alexandra told me that she changed the ending after having a discussion with her mom. (Look for the explanation below.) After knowing the full story, I was even more impressed. Alexandra is a talented girl who wrote the poem; Ariel is a supportive sister who shared it in her class; and Denise is an awesome mom whose interest in her child turned a hopeless ending into one of inspiration.

What happens when you reach and no one is there
what happens when everyone's expectations are unfair

what happens when all you face is disappointment
what happens when you're the one they're annoyed with

what happens when you can't understand why
what happens when no one can hear you cry

what happens when you're just a kid
what happens when you can't figure out what you possibly did

what happens when your love isn't reciprocated
what happens when you wake up to hatred

what happens when you realize you're not free
what happens when you're prone to just flee

what happens when they control your every move
what happens when sadness is a permanent mood

what happens when you want to just go away
what happens when no one wants you to stay

what happens when you finally give in
what happens when you don't care if they win

what happens when now it's too late
what happens when their remorse is fake

what happens when this is a continuation
what happens when it's all over our nation

what happens when we realize lives are on the line
what happens when we start to fight bullying, one at a time...change happens

What was the original title and ending?
They Win.

What happens when you finally give in, I'll tell you what happens, They Win.

Alexandra explained, " I decided to change the ending because my mother had challenged me when I read it aloud to her. She asked,

Well do you think their biggest concern at that point is winning or losing? These people are on the peak of suicide and I'm not sure someone would even think about who's winning. It’s not about that. It's not a game

... I really liked when she went back at me and questioned me because I think perhaps while writing that last sentence I was no longer expressing my initial reason for doing it, my initial passion. Although it was an effective ending punch line I wasn’t trying to express that people who take their life are weak and letting everyone win. I was writing it purely to show the harsh and sometimes fatal reality of bullying. I was writing to show the struggle of a victim. Often with bullies it's about them, they take out how they feel on others. Bullies probably don't wonder if that person had a bad day or maybe that kid might be going through something within their life. If I were to keep the 'They Win' ending, it would leave the lasting thought about the bully and that was not my intention."

When asked why she thought it was important to challenge her daughter and take an interest in the poem, Alexandra's mom explained it this way:

I feel it’s very important for me to take an interest in my daughter’s poetry because as a mother my role is to encourage my children in all that they do, and all that they are interested in. As far as the topic of bullying as sad as it is I think many people ignore it and hope it will 'go away'. For Alexandra to write such a powerful and moving poem acknowledging the issue is amazing. I think many parents struggle with getting their children to open up to them. I consider myself lucky that my daughter wants to express her opinions and feelings and I would be foolish not to encourage and support that. I also feel many children’s talents are suppressed in school alone (by bullies) but also not fueled correctly by caretakers within the home. Negligence of any talent is a shame. It’s sad that some amazing writers, singers etc. go unnoticed and never have the chance to flourish.

Wow. We can all learn something from the poem...and a mother's interest.

Teacher Training and Bullying Prevention

Good teachers humble me and I love schools. Every once and a while, I think about going back to school to get a degree in education. Why haven't I followed through yet? Whenever I spend time just visiting a classroom, I go home and take a nap. I'm exhausted. I don't know how teachers do it.

Luckily there are other brave and passionate souls out there preparing to make teaching their career. Recently, I was interviewed by education major Nicholas Macula, a second year student at St. John's University on Staten Island for a group project on bullying. The presentations were an assignment given by professor Dr. Sandra Abrams for a required education course titled Human Relations in Inclusive Settings. That's an unusual course title so I had to ask Dr. Abrams what it meant:

Students in the School of Education at St. John’s University are required to enroll in Human Relations in Inclusive Settings in order to become well equipped with interpersonal communication and self-reflective tools that will enhance their teaching and learning experiences. As noted in the academic bulletin, this course involves collaborative and individual projects that help students not only understand the importance of parent and community involvement, but also develop an “appreciation of the values and cultures of English language learners.” The work students complete for this class helps them acquire strategies for improved communication and classroom practice, preparing students for dynamic, real-world scenarios.

When asked if I could write about this, St. John's graciously said yes under the condition that I include the following statement:
“The views expressed on the pages of this blog/web site DO NOT reflect, in any way, the opinions of St. John’s University, its administrators, faculty and staff.”

That being said, I do have to add that St. John's should be very proud of what I saw and heard -- a professor inspiring her students to think and students who were doing just that.

They shared great information regarding the definition of bullying, cyber bullying and exploring solutions but for this post, I’d like to share a few outstanding points that may be of interest to parents, especially since parent/school relationships are key.

• First and foremost, it's important for parents to know that these types of courses exist for teachers in training. Whether dealing with bullying issues is part of the exact job description of a teacher or not, it can be a part of the classroom experience. Being aware of it makes a teacher more prepared.

• Above and beyond academics, the role of the teacher can be very challenging.

As part of the assignment, one of the groups conducted an informal survey on campus and online. Only 14% of students surveyed who responded yes when asked if they had been bullied in primary and/or secondary school, told a teacher.

This is a statistic that now holds much more significance for the St. John's students as they prepare to be that teacher, especially given that most advice we give children is to "tell a trusted adult, such as a teacher or parent."

When Dr. Abrams asked her students why they thought 86% of those surveyed did not confide in a teacher, the general consensus was, based on their own recent memories of being in school, they didn't feel the teacher would do anything about it or the teacher's involvement may even cause more problems.

Aha! That's why courses like Human Relations in Inclusive Settings are so necessary. Within a few years, most of the St. John's students will hopefully have jobs in elementary, middle or high schools, but they're not waiting until then to start thinking about the teacher's role.

Dana, a senior who has already had some classroom teaching experience, suggested that there should be required workshops that include both teachers and counselors that discuss bullying specifically, just as there are other professional development workshops.

One thing became clear to me. Teachers are trained to teach and not to be social workers. But I love Dana's suggestion because in order to help teachers teach, we have to support them in handling difficult situations that impact the success of individual students and the class as a whole. Teachers need to feel prepared, even if it means learning what not to say or when to work with a counselor. Counselors are often not prepared themselves.

How do we help fix that disconnect? Putting teachers AND counselors in a room together and giving them both the same information and letting them share their knowledge sounds good to me. This will help build an infrastructure in the school to help pave the way for real help for kids who need it.

I'd like to thank Dr. Abrams and her students for caring. The future students of these future teachers will thank them, too.