Another Kind of March Madness

March Madness is a great time of year for me. This past weekend, there was one upset after another. My favorite team, though, survived. The U of Wisc. Badgers are still in it. (Sorry Vanderbilt fans...and stay tuned on Thursday!)

But every time I look at the news about bullying this month, I feel like it's another type of March Madness.

On any given day there are a dozen tragic stories about kids reaching out and nearly screaming for help. It's also the month that Bully will premiere in theaters (March 30th) and the "R" rating issue rages on. Cartoon Network also premiered Speak Up, with a special message from Obama. Awareness of the pain that bullying causes is gaining traction. My background is television so I've been an advocate of getting this issue more mainstreamed in the media. And boy is it ever.

So just as in the rest of life, good and bad are happening at the same time and if we're to take advantage of the good exposure it's getting, we all need to take advantage of all the great tools out there. Let's start paying attention when our kids are little. School climates depend on the type of expectations we have for our kids to treat others with kindness.

Movies wake up the country...and it's the parents, teachers, friends...and anyone witnessing meanness that help preserve the lighthearted childhoods that every single kid has a right to experience.

Bullying stops in 10 Seconds when someone steps in to stop it.

There's hope.

Although Isolating, Feelings About Bullying Are Universal

I was writing about this Beat Bullying You Tube video from the UK and then I heard about the shooting in Ohio. Can we fathom the pain that some kids are going through?

It's a terrible question, but for every child who gets pushed far enough to take out a gun, how many others are taking it out on themselves, either by alcohol and drug abuse, cutting, or just good 'ole self loathing and sometimes suicide?

I talked to a group of 10 and 11 year olds yesterday. It was a really positive experience except for one small disturbing thing. At the end of the workshop, the kids are asked to think of an adult they would go to if they had an issue with bullying. Nearly all of the girls had someone in mind right away. Some even had several in mind. But there was one girl who calmly but directly, said she wouldn't talk to anyone. Absolutely not. I asked her why not and she said she "doesn't trust anyone." And just the way she said it, I knew she wasn't trying to be dramatic. She believed it. I didn't know what to say.

That's my fear. That for a variety of reasons, kids emotionally go through life alone. The world gets distorted when you do everything on your own.

Bullying is epidemic but so is "aloneness." It's not just "lonely." It's feeling like you're an island and you have to go through life trying to figure it out all by yourself.

Even as adults, we shouldn't be trying to figure it out all by ourselves. How do we help children connect? It's the disconnect that causes so many problems.

I'm horrified for the poor families who lost their children because another child suffering from "aloneness" pulled out a gun. We'll find out more as the story unfortunately unfolds, but they are all children.

U of Illinois Study: Social Goals: How Kids' React to Bullying

This study, spearheaded by Karen Rudolph at the University of Illinois, is worth a read because knowing why certain kids have more difficulty in bullying situations may help us help them much more effectively. Although anyone in the bullying prevention field would like to come up with ways to wipe it off the face of the earth, it will always be part of the human experience to some degree. But what we can do is help kids understand it and deal with it in a way that unburdens them and therefore, blunts the long tail of pain that mean behavior causes.

Originally Posted on Futurity by Diana Yates-Illinois on Tuesday, December 20, 2011:

‘Social goals’: How kids’ react to bullying

Children who want to build positive relationships with their peers are more likely to look for a solution to being bullied than kids who are more interested in status, researchers found.

U. ILLINOIS (US) — Many wonder why bullies bully, but a new study looks at the other side of the equation: How do children respond to bullying and why?

The answer, researchers say, may lead to more effective interventions to reduce the negative consequences—and perhaps even the frequency—of bullying.

“The main question we were interested in is how do children go about selecting strategies for dealing with harassment from their peers?” says University of Illinois psychology professor Karen Rudolph, who led the study, which is published in the journal Child Development.

Read the original study

“And what we focused on was an understanding of the goals that kids develop in their social relationships.”

Consciously or not, children tend to adopt one of three approaches, she says.

“Some are focused on developing their relationships. They want to improve their social skills. They want to learn how to make friends.”

Others are most interested in “demonstrating their competence,” she says. They may try to demonstrate their competence by enhancing their status or seeking approval from their peers. “These are kids who say: ‘I want to be cool. I want lots of kids to like me. I want to hang out with the popular kids.’”

Or they may try to demonstrate their competence by avoiding negative judgments.

“These are the kids who say, ‘I’m not going to do anything that’s going to draw negative attention, that’s going to make me look like a loser, that’s going to embarrass me,’” Rudolph says.

A series of questionnaires administered to 373 second-graders and their teachers revealed how many of the children had been harassed (half of the children reported being the target of teasing, gossip, physical intimidation, or worse, at least a little bit of the time), how they responded to harassment, and how each child generally thought about his or her peer relationships.

The researchers then followed the children to determine if, and how, their social goals influenced how they dealt with harassment in the third grade.

As expected, they found that children who were most interested in developing relationships “had more positive perceptions of themselves and were more likely to say that they would cooperate and work to reduce conflict with other kids,” Rudolph says.

When other kids harassed them, these children were “more likely to engage in proactive strategies to solve the problem,” she says. This might involve asking a teacher for advice or getting emotional support.

Students with these goals also were less likely to engage in other impulsive responses to harassment. Children who wanted to be perceived as “cool” or competent “were less likely to use those kinds of thoughtful, careful strategies” when dealing with harassment, Rudolph says, and “they were more likely to retaliate.” These children also had more negative perceptions of their peers.

Those who wanted to avoid negative judgments were less likely to retaliate against their peers. “But they were also more passive. They just ignored what happened,” she says.

This approach might be useful in some circumstances, particularly for boys who tend to be more physically aggressive and more likely to retaliate than girls, Rudolph says. But passive responses also may increase a bully’s willingness to up the ante.

Children who were more bullied in the second grade “were more likely to freeze up and try to escape from the situation, or to ruminate about it, keep going over it in their mind, but not actually do something active about it,” Rudolph says. They also were less likely to show problem-solving type strategies in the third grade.

Understanding children’s social goals may lead to better interventions to change the dynamic between a bully and his or her targets.

“Just telling kids, ‘this is what you should do’ might not change their behaviors because their goals might be different from our goals,” she says.

“So I think understanding where the kid’s coming from and why they’re actually acting the way they do is going to be crucial for changing their behavior.”

The research was supported by the National Institute of Mental Health and the University of Illinois Research Board.

More news from the University of Illinois: www.las.illinois.edu/news/

Bullying Diminishes the "Inner Resume"

Claire, the well-spoken teen who appears with author, expert and founder of Girls Leadership Institute, Rachel Simmons in this Tedx Women Talk, beautifully describes the irrational acts of exclusion and the fallout of real pain due to bullying in middle school.

Rachel goes on to talk about the inner resume. Although I had never heard that term, it's a great one. We can either add to the proud inner resume of a person or diminish it and make someone feel worthless.

She also talks about the classroom of relationships. Another great term. When hearing it, it reminded me of all those times my kids talked to me about relationships. It's a hard thing for a parent. Sometimes you feel like you should let them alone to figure it all out -- but other times, you feel like this is a teachable moment being handed to you.

I think the world has gotten a little harsher. Although I was a little unsure at the time, I'm happy that when they talked to me about something callous that a "friend" had done, that I called it out. I didn't say it was ok. I didn't say "you're being too sensitive." I said it was bad. It's not that the person was evil but it was a bad thing to do. It's not ok to do or say something harsh and feel normal about it.

Sounds simplistic but I think that's part of the message. As parents, teachers, and mentors, we have to understand the power of the "relationship classroom." Kids are watching, learning, listening all the time. Eventually they will be talking to their own kids and remembering the time that you called out mean behavior and my guess is, they will do the same for their own kids.

We are helping them build up their inner resume and reminding them that they have no right to diminish someone else's resume or have their own resume damaged in any way. That's power.

Being Called 'Fatso' Seared My Soul: Mayor Koch

Gay teens -- or teens and kids perceived as gay -- get bullied often and brutally. It's horrible and needs to stop.

No doubt about it.

But there's another group of kids that can't seem to escape it either. Ironically, it's another three letter description -- Fat -- or perceived as "fat"-- in our "size 0" society.

I don't think kids who get teased for their size get as much support as other kids. The list of mean adjectives thrown at kids in the hallways, on the bus, in the schoolyard and online are endless. Fatso, lard ass, grotesque, etc., etc.

Can you imagine how hard it is to struggle with your weight and feel like you'll never fit in because you're not wearing those cute jeans, you're not comfortable in gym class, you feel like everyone is watching what you eat in the cafeteria and nobody wants to sit next to you on the school bus? Torture.

Recently, former NYC Mayor Ed Koch, released his new children's book, co-authored with his sister,Pat, Eddie Shapes Up, based on his experience as a fat child (his words, not mine.)

In an Oct. 7th radio interview with CEO and founder, Linda Frankenbach for fitsmiForMoms.com, Mayor Koch not only talked about his weight as a child but the burden of being bullied.

I was a fat kid, and when I was in the schoolyard, the other kids would call me ‘fatso,’ and I will tell you that it seared my soul.

He shared some words of wisdom for parents, and since he's 87, it demonstrates that these childhood experiences never quite leave you:

You have to encourage a child, never make fun of a child. Other children are mean-spirited and will make fun – that’s the nature of being a child. But a parent can’t make the boy or the girl feel additionally upset because they think you don’t love them because they’re fat.

My parents never asked me about being bullied. That was a private matter where I had to depend on my friends. But I think every parent should say to their child, let’s you and I be really close friends and share our secrets. Tell me, maybe we can help.

I'd like to add to that list. Don't let your child tease about someone's size. Overweight kids often pretend it doesn't hurt but there's no way hurtful comments that make you feel diminished are ok.

If you have a teen girl struggling with her weight...or if you're a parent of a child who is overweight, visit fitsmi.com and it's companion but separate site, fitsmiForMoms.com. Kids and parents need extra support -- not nasty comments -- when they're struggling.

Ask any overweight child why it's so hard to be bigger than the other kids. As Michaela McNutt,a young 11 year-old girl in Florida who lost over 50 pounds with the help of her mother and is now inspiring others to do the same, says:

I know the bullying, the teasing. And you can do this. It's not impossible."

If You're Working on Bullying Prevention...Keep Going!

Do you ever wonder if this is worth the effort? In the Northeast, it's the end of the school year. Principals, teachers, counselors...and yes, parents...are exhausted. If you've been working or volunteering your time to help kids learn how to treat each other better...or to help those who have already been the target, rest for a bit. And then, KEEP GOING.

I applaud you for taking this on. The other day, I was thinking "Why do I do this?" I'd be happier renting kayaks or something equally simple and carefree. Bullying prevention is one complicated discouraging difficult task.

But then I came home and saw this article in U.S. News and World Report about the long term effects of bullying. It didn't surprise me because people in their 60's, 70's and even 80's talk to me about their childhood bullying experiences. (Believe it or not, the ones who were the bully feel as bad as the targets.)

I have to agree with Dr. Strayhorn in the U.S. News article:

Being the target of a bully involves real suffering," Dr. Earlene Strayhorn, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Loyola University, said in a university news release. "The constant stress of physical assaults, threats, coercion and intimidation can take a heavy toll on a child's psyche over time. The abuse may end at some point but the psychological, developmental, social and emotional damage can linger for years, if not a lifetime.

So take a dip in the pool, enjoy the sun, eat guacamole and tortilla chips and get your energy back. Kids need you.

Elementary School Graduation and Teaching Gratitude

My husband and I call this the "Season of Clapping." Between graduations and awards ceremonies, your hands start hurting.

It can also be a season of gratitude and a good time to teach kids to be thankful for the people in their lives.

As part of the Be the One leadership program at Our Lady Queen of Peace School, students in the older classes mentor the younger children on messages based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One.

The eighth grade mentors the second graders and it's been a good partnership. They've read books, played word games, created Venn diagrams, decorated ornaments together and in general got to know each other while building a relationship of respect.

It seemed a good idea to use the eighth grade graduation as a time to teach gratitude...and who said these lessons have to be boring? As a farewell, the second graders organized a surprise party for their older counterparts. On a day that the eighth graders were off campus, the second graders went to work making cards and signs and practicing "You've Got a Friend in Me."

In the process, we were able to talk with them about gratitude. They talked about what made their Be the One partner special.

(When the seven-year olds were asked how we should fool the eighth graders in going to the party, they suggested things like, "Tell them Jesus is in the gym," or "Tell them to come look at the two-headed bird.")

When the big day came, the second graders hid on the stage and when the curtain opened they yelled SURPRISE! The eighth graders genuinely seemed happy in a "I have to still look cool" kind of way.

They ate cupcakes and drank juice and did an activity together. Using a template of a shamrock, they were asked to wish four things for each other. One of them said, "I wish you could come to high school with me to hang out."

Understanding is the anti-bully. Gratitude is the anti-bully. Really getting to know a person that you didn't know before is the anti-bully. Listening to someone younger than you and remembering what it was like to be 7 is the anti-bully. Having someone look up to you -- hanging on every word -- can be a life saver.

Introducing these concepts in the early years is One of the ways we can change the culture of mean.

What We Can Learn From PACER: A Great Bullying Prevention Resource

I love the midwest. I've lived in New York for 35 years but I'm still a midwesterner at heart...and the PACER Center, a national organization based in Minnesota, is just one more reason to love it. Who knew that one of the most successful organizations in the bullying prevention field is rooted in one of the most successful resources for families with children with disabilities?

PACER doesn't talk about the problem. They step up.

I learned about PACER when I was researching the National Bullying Prevention Month last fall. As I followed the trail to the organizers of this campaign, it turned out to be PACER.

I had to ask them the obvious question and Julie Hertzog, director of PACER's National Center for Bullying Prevention, explained:

Why did PACER become involved in the bullying issue and how does it tie in with your original mission of being a resource for parents of children with disabilities?
Around ten years ago, PACER began receiving more and more calls around the bullying of children with disabilities. The stories were very sad, heartbreaking. When we found that statistically children with disabilities were considerably more subject to bullying than their peers, we knew that we needed to take action around education and awareness.

Who would you consider to be your most important audience and how do you reach them?
The students themselves are the key, as they are the ones experiencing the bullying, they know the social hierarchies and dynamics, involving them in the solution is critical - but, they can't do this alone, bullying prevention is everyone's responsibility, students need to know that they are supported by adults and teachers, that there is an infrastructure in place through legislation, policy, and education. They can't do it alone.

We reach them through KidsAgainstBullying.org and TeensAgainstBullying.org which are sites designed for the specific audience – information is presented in a way that is relevant to kids.

PACER was recently invited to the White House Bullying Prevention Summit. Isn't that amazing? Ten years ago, PACER got involved in the bullying issue because it was "heartbreaking" and needed to be addressed. Ten years ago, bullying wasn't in the national news. They weren't responding to the bullying issue for any type of attention. PACER stepped up because in their journey to help kids with disabilities, they realized that bullying was diminishing the lives of kids in all types of circumstances. Once again, families with kids with disabilities, have inspired change and are teaching all families a thing or two.

If your child or teen is being mistreated, encourage them to visit the Kids Against Bullying or the Teens Against Bullying websites. In addition to good information, young stars Demi Lovato and most recently, MICHAEL and MARISA are adding their voices to help PACER reach kids by getting the point across that "we all are the same."

They're right. No one can do it alone. Thanks, PACER.

Safety in Numbers: Parents and Schools Working Together in Bullying Prevention

Recently, my cousin was telling me about her sixth grade son, Tom, who was being excluded. It seemed to start all of a sudden. A big group of "friends" started to go to Wendy's after school but would make a big point that he wasn't included. I don't have to tell you what that does to not only the child, but the parent. It's so confusing and hurtful. Not only were the kids friends up until now, the parents had always been friends, too.

This is a tough one. Anger is the first reaction. It's incredibly hard to not want to dismember 12 year-olds but my cousin held it together (for the most part -- of course, she couldn't help but give the smug kids the "hairy eyeball" when she dropped him off to school.)

She kept it to herself except to tell a few trusted family members until one day when another mother noticed her change in attitude. She was not as friendly as she usually is to the other moms and a bit sad and frustrated. When the other mom asked my cousin if there was anything wrong, she calmly explained that she was disappointed in the class and explained the facts. (This is an important detail -- stick to the facts.) Of course, she cried a little bit but that's to be expected.

Guess what? It's one of the few times that the other parent did EXACTLY the right thing. It dawned on her that her own son, Conor, was one of the "bullies" and had to be corrected. She corrected her son without making a big deal out of it and made sure he included everyone the next time they got together as a group. It didn't end there, though. The other kids then excluded the TWO of them. Shocked, Conor confronted the group as they sat in a Subway restaurant. Their excuse -- there's not enough seats. Totally untrue.

Next step? One of the popular eighth graders saw this whole thing unfold and invited Tom and Conor to join him and his friends at a pizza parlor.

The eighth grader went home and told his mom what had happened. She encouraged the other moms to talk to their kids and it hasn't happened since. They all gather after school and go to a local fast food restaurant. They may not all be best friends, but they all feel included.

The moral of this story: When parents ban together to do the right thing and in the right way, kids do the right thing... and cool eighth graders should be cloned.

After the White House Summit on Bullying last week, the PTA announced new materials that parents can use to help their schools diminish the incidences of all types of bullying.

Parents are absolutely key. Hopefully, these materials will be a helpful FREE Resource for parent groups who want to step in.

White House Summit on Bullying: What Can We Do?

In President Obama's opening remarks at the White House Summit on Bullying, he said, "No child should feel that alone." That just about sums up why I'm involved.

In the closing remarks after all the true but tragic stories, the overwhelming statistics and expert advice had been shared, the audience was asked to ask themselves, "What more can I do?"

In answer to that question, I want to share with you what others are doing in the field of bullying prevention and online safety and who are dedicated to providing real help...but first, I want to share a couple of things I personally took away from the conference.

This is such a huge issue but I constantly come back to three things that I think are critical in making a positive impact:

• Early Prevention

Bottom Line: If we start very young -- PreK and up -- and create the expectation of respect, we have a shot at changing the balance when they get older.

• Parenting

Bottom Line: Parents are where it's at. Kids need to be prepared at home for social interactions. Parents can acknowledge and encourage their children when they treat others well and correct them when they don't.

• Bystander (or Upstander):

Bottom Line: When you think about it, the bystander is everyone. Compassion and leadership skills can be taught and we can teach kids how to step up for others in ways that are comfortable to them. (If you ask kids, they know that their peers make the biggest difference.)

If you want to start somewhere, there are so many resources. Stopbullying.gov was announced yesterday and there are others listed to the right. Not every community, school or home is the same so tailoring campaigns or materials to fit your needs is really important. In my community, I, along with the support of the principal and the help of other interested parents, started the Be the One mentoring campaign because it suited the needs of the school and it appealed to both the adults and the age span of the children. I also wanted it to be fun which is very key to holding the kids' attention (and mine, too!) It has created an infrastructure that allows parents and teachers to introduce curriculum they come across and activities that promote friendship and respect. As a matter of fact, next Tuesday, we'll be using some of the tools from Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Center. (I'll be posting more about their fabulous work next week.)

Best Advice from the Summit: My favorite was expert Rosalind Wiseman's advice to any adult on what to say when a child comes to them about being bullied:

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me. I'll stand by you.

"What more can I do?" We can all help by sharing ideas and keeping the conversation going. Let me know what you're doing and I'd be happy to share it with others.

Don't Let Anyone Call You Stupid: A Lesson in Bullying Prevention from Michael Angelakos and P.S. 22

(If you saw the Oscars last night, you'll understand why I am re-posting this story about the boy from P.S. 22 who needed a kind word and a little reinforcement from a compassionate adult. The adult who paid attention just happened to be Passon Pit's lead singer Michael Angelakos. This little boy is probably now in middle school but hopefully Michael's words will stick with him throughout life. And just as a side note, I was proud of the Academy for including Staten Island's pride and joy!)

Experts agree that the role of the "bystander" is key in blunting the affects of bullying. The Center for Social and Emotional Education and other experts in the field refer to the key role of the bystander as the upstander, to indicate that standing "by" is not helpful...but standing "up" can make all the difference.

You could just be minding your own business and WHAM, there's a need to step up and support someone who is being mistreated. In that moment, a decision has to be made. Do I step in to the problem or do I just let that person/child fend for themselves? Do I care enough to lend a sympathetic ear, or tell the bully to "stop," or get additional help... or do I just stand by?

During this recording with the chorus from P.S. 22, Michael Angelakos, lead singer of the award-winning band Passion Pit, proved he is an UPSTANDER. In under 30 seconds, he could have possibly changed this lucky child's life.

Do we have to be a celebrity to be an upstander? No way. In that moment and in that child's eyes, it's extremely likely that Angelakos was just a person saying the right thing at the right time.

So to every upstander out there, ROCK ON.

What Happens? A Girl's Heartfelt Question About Bullying

This original poem was read as part of a presentation on bullying prevention at St. John's University. When I told the presenter, Ariel, how much I liked the poem, she introduced me to the author, Alexandra, her twin sister. Alexandra told me that she changed the ending after having a discussion with her mom. (Look for the explanation below.) After knowing the full story, I was even more impressed. Alexandra is a talented girl who wrote the poem; Ariel is a supportive sister who shared it in her class; and Denise is an awesome mom whose interest in her child turned a hopeless ending into one of inspiration.

What happens when you reach and no one is there
what happens when everyone's expectations are unfair

what happens when all you face is disappointment
what happens when you're the one they're annoyed with

what happens when you can't understand why
what happens when no one can hear you cry

what happens when you're just a kid
what happens when you can't figure out what you possibly did

what happens when your love isn't reciprocated
what happens when you wake up to hatred

what happens when you realize you're not free
what happens when you're prone to just flee

what happens when they control your every move
what happens when sadness is a permanent mood

what happens when you want to just go away
what happens when no one wants you to stay

what happens when you finally give in
what happens when you don't care if they win

what happens when now it's too late
what happens when their remorse is fake

what happens when this is a continuation
what happens when it's all over our nation

what happens when we realize lives are on the line
what happens when we start to fight bullying, one at a time...change happens

What was the original title and ending?
They Win.

What happens when you finally give in, I'll tell you what happens, They Win.

Alexandra explained, " I decided to change the ending because my mother had challenged me when I read it aloud to her. She asked,

Well do you think their biggest concern at that point is winning or losing? These people are on the peak of suicide and I'm not sure someone would even think about who's winning. It’s not about that. It's not a game

... I really liked when she went back at me and questioned me because I think perhaps while writing that last sentence I was no longer expressing my initial reason for doing it, my initial passion. Although it was an effective ending punch line I wasn’t trying to express that people who take their life are weak and letting everyone win. I was writing it purely to show the harsh and sometimes fatal reality of bullying. I was writing to show the struggle of a victim. Often with bullies it's about them, they take out how they feel on others. Bullies probably don't wonder if that person had a bad day or maybe that kid might be going through something within their life. If I were to keep the 'They Win' ending, it would leave the lasting thought about the bully and that was not my intention."

When asked why she thought it was important to challenge her daughter and take an interest in the poem, Alexandra's mom explained it this way:

I feel it’s very important for me to take an interest in my daughter’s poetry because as a mother my role is to encourage my children in all that they do, and all that they are interested in. As far as the topic of bullying as sad as it is I think many people ignore it and hope it will 'go away'. For Alexandra to write such a powerful and moving poem acknowledging the issue is amazing. I think many parents struggle with getting their children to open up to them. I consider myself lucky that my daughter wants to express her opinions and feelings and I would be foolish not to encourage and support that. I also feel many children’s talents are suppressed in school alone (by bullies) but also not fueled correctly by caretakers within the home. Negligence of any talent is a shame. It’s sad that some amazing writers, singers etc. go unnoticed and never have the chance to flourish.

Wow. We can all learn something from the poem...and a mother's interest.

If You Were Bullied, Would You Tell?

A huge percentage of kids don't tell an adult when they're being bullied. Fox News' story, "Why Bully Victims Suffer In Silence" prompted me to repost an interview I did several months ago with a very wise teenager. Bottom line, for so many kids, telling an adult doesn't help. In fact, so many times it makes it worse.

If the main piece of advice we give kids is "tell an adult," then we better kick it into gear and start funding training from Pre-K and up.

This is what a very wise high school student told me several months ago:

Rashidat Encarnacion participated in last year's Family Online Safety Conference (FOSI). She was one of a group of Girl Scouts asked to be on a panel moderated by Marsali Hancock, President of iKeepSafe, a well-respected national online safety organization. The panel was a chance to hear about online safety issues from the perspective of teens. I was very impressed with the girls' comments, and in particular, with then 16 year-old Rashidat's sage advice.

Sometimes 'friends' on Facebook are not your friends. Know the difference and don't 'friend' anyone you can't trust.

Believe it or not, as fate (happily) would have it, I ran into Rashidat several months later. I asked her if she could explain why kids don't tell an adult when they've been bullied. This is what she said:

Well, I feel children do not tell their parents because they are afraid of the way their parents will react to the situation. Maybe the parents’ reaction to the situation can cause further bullying of the child. Personally, when I was bullied in school the bullying would cease for a little bit. Then it would become worse than before, because I decided to tell an adult. Not only that but we want to feel independent …so we don't want to tell our parents about what's going on, especially things that are hurting us. In other situations pertaining to bullying, it can seem like a sign of weakness when you tell an adult. I remember fellow classmates calling me a "tattle-tale" and not wanting to hang around me if I told a teacher about someone else or myself being bullied. That is also another reason - the child being bullied does not want to lose their friends. Therefore, they keep quiet and do not tell others when they are bullied.

There are numerous reasons why children do not want to talk with their parents about bullying. When children do approach an adult, the adults should not pressure the children. If the child feels that there is no reason to worry, they feel that their situation is under control. Maybe you should respect your child’s wishes and not make a big deal of the problem.

At the same time, do not take the issue lightly. No matter what, you are the parent and you have the right to intervene in your child’s problem when it is necessary.

Like it or not, these comments are real and represent one of the core issues. Kids should not be left alone in their misery but this will continue to happen until there are many more trained adults that kids can trust. States, such as New Jersey, are slowly waking up to the fact that bullying laws don't work if they don't require high quality training for schools.

10-10-10: A Perfect Score for Early Prevention

What a perfect day to talk about two perfect books that help young children learn how to treat each other.

Kathryn Otoshi’s One and her new book Zero are brilliant…and simple…and ageless…and powerful.

Using only numbers and colors, One and Zero drive home the point that it just takes ONE to make a difference…and EVERYONE COUNTS.

Elementary schools around the country have been using One in the classroom to get across the lessons of diversity, kindness, compassion, upstanding behavior, character and bullying prevention.

One is equally suited as a foundation for leadership campaigns that bring older kids together with the younger ones as mentors. By reading the book together, teaching the lessons themselves and developing activities that reinforce those lessons, both age groups benefit.

Zero is new and has as much potential to make a difference. It speaks to our inner doubts about our worth. Zero is upset that she has a “hole in the middle.” Doubt turns to exuberance when she figures out that it’s not a hole, it’s a CENTER…and when she teams up with the other numbers, she not only has value, she also adds to everyone else’s worth. In other words, EVERYONE COUNTS.

So Kathryn Otoshi, you deserve a Tangled Ball Award because catching kids early is our best bet…and having fun at the same time is a real bonus.

Bullying and the Secret Weapon: Parents

Last week, Florida State University (Go, Seminoles!) came out with a study that basically said (drum roll) that "authoritative" parents were the key to kids not being severely impacted by bullying.

The trial involved 426 adolescents, with 15 of them suffering various degrees of bullying. Researchers discovered that the main difference was from styles of parenting. Those who had “authoritative” parents did not suffer from the effects of bullying.

This is really important information. It basically says, when parents set rules and step in, their kids have a better shot at having a better childhood. Think about it, growing up without bullying IS a better childhood.

Are you the only parent on the block who has rules about how your kids treat others? Do you have expectations on how they are to be treated -- online and offline -- in school and out of school? Feeling like you're a weirdo for caring about something so old-fashioned? Feeling very uncool?

Well, CONGRATULATIONS! You're the winner and your kids are the winners when you're the boss. Your kids still might think you're cool and if not now, may be when they become parents themselves. If you don't believe me, just ask the Seminoles.