Little Upstanders Make a Big Difference

Bullying prevention is complicated.  Sometimes it seems that it's bigger than all of us but it's not insurmountable.  We have an untapped army out there.  If we start training bystanders to start stepping up from an early age, we've got a shot at creating safe and caring school climates.

Read on.  We can learn from the pint-sized upstanders in this story.

I was talking to a mom of a six-year old yesterday.  Believe it or not, her first grader has been on the receiving end of true bullying behavior since Pre-K.  Everything from emotional manipulation to punching and kicking.

She admitted that in Pre-K her daughter was "a biter."  She didn't feel she could address this situation appropriately in Pre-K because she had to work on her own daughter first.  (Don't you love honest and realistic parents?) She was also a teacher before having children so she knew that what you do at home directly affects how a child acts in school.

Seems as if her own child matured beyond the biting stage but another little girl in her class didn't.  Now that they are in first grade, her little girl had already been this other girl's target for two years.  Once a light-hearted child ready and willing to go to school, my friend's daughter was having stomach aches.

The mom went to the teacher many times and although the teacher promised to keep an eye on it, the problem continued.  Like many bullying incidents, most of them were being done behind the teacher's back.

This seemed like a hopeless situation.  My friend was projecting a long and miserable school experience for her daughter.

The teacher was beginning to treat my friend like one of those moms.  She and the counselor started to blame the problem on her daughter being too sensitive.  (As my friend pointed out, anyone becomes sensitive after being mistreated for two years.)

What turned this bad situation around?  The little upstanders in the classroom.  Without "tattling," the other classmates set the teacher straight.  They told the teacher the truth.   Everything that my friend's child was trying to communicate to the teacher and counselor was true.

Then the principal stepped in.  She took the 6 year-olds at their word and the little girl was suspended for a few days. They're working on a strategy for the rest of the school year and next year.

Encouraging Our Little Bystanders To Be Upstanders  

Number One:  Make sure they know the difference between tattling and reporting.  The first is something you do to get someone in trouble; the second is telling the truth to make sure someone doesn't get hurt (emotionally or physically.)

Number Two:  Children know how to manipulate their parents.  Make sure they know that "telling" on a sibling or friend isn't cool if it's solely to get their brother, sister or friend in trouble.  Telling you about something that will be helpful to correct a situation is very different and should be encouraged.  (If you have siblings, I don't need to explain any further.  Most of us let a little jealousy get the best of us when we were kids.  That "green-eyed monster" is part of growing up but it needs to be called out.)

Number Three:  Catch them in the act of doing something good.  The children in that first grade class should be complimented for stepping up.  Of course, not at the cost of hurting their classmate's feelings (kids shouldn't be labeled as "bullies") but because they told the truth and it helped the situation.

Principals, teachers and counselors should be trained in nurturing little "upstanders."  It's called leadership.

Leadership is the anti-bully.

What Happens When You Turn Away?

I was sick this past week and wanted a good book to distract myself. A friend suggested "Sarah's Key," The New York Times bestseller by Tatiana De Rosnay. Sounded light and just what I needed. I was probably the only one in the world who didn't know it was about the Holocaust. I didn't know if I had the energy to take on such a heavy subject but the way the author weaved the story connecting the past with the present was so engaging. I finished it in a day.

Although, over the years we've learned so much about the extreme nature of people's behavior during that horrible time in history -- those that hated and caused pain and destruction and those that risked their lives to help -- Sarah's Key made me want to honor those compassionate souls who didn't turn the other way. It was so difficult for them.

Don't we want to raise heroes? Compassionate souls who don't turn away. I suppose we have to lead by example and say "Not on my watch will I let another person cause anguish." It's a lesson we can learn from the past.

What is our role as bystanders? I came across a great expression coined by a group called School Climate. It's "upstanders." An upstander is a bystander who steps up. I really like that distinction because bystanders come in different forms:

Assistants - who actively join in the attack
Reinforcers - who give positive feedback to the bully, perhaps by smiling or laughing
Outsiders - who stay back, stay quiet and thereby condone the bullying behavior
Defenders - who try to intervene to stop the bullying or comfort the target. (Upstanders!)

There is a long list of ways that kids can be an "upstander." They can help by going to an adult or surrounding the target, or not participating in the mean-spirited behavior. Whatever their comfort level is. It's important not to force a child to do something they don't feel capable of such as confronting the bullies but it is important to empower them by giving them choices of ways they can help. Witnesses, like victims, feel the affects of bullying: stomach aches, lack of concentration, sadness. We have the power to empower them.

A book I'd like to suggest is Stan Davis' Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention.

And as I tell the kids, "The best leaders teach by example." We can all brush up on our upstander skills.