The Green Eyed Monster and Bullying

There was a Berenstein Bears book that I used to read to the kids called "The Green-Eyed Monster," and it's about jealousy.

Jealousy can cause people to act in crazy ways and I suspect that it is one of the main emotions behind some bullying.  It's one of those emotions that causes the tangled ball to become more complicated because people and even kids are often skilled at covering the jealousy with emotions like anger and intolerance.  When a person is jealous they will do anything to pull the other person down.  Anything.  And sometimes, they're so good at it, that they get others in on the act and watch out.  The target has no chance.

By the time the bullying is in full swing, no one realizes that it started with jealousy.  It was the seed that poisoned a domino effect of actions.  The poor victim often doesn't even know that it was because they have a talent or a trait that inspires jealousy.

It often works well for the bully because they have diminished their target and the talent is now secondary.  Of course, bullying does not always start out with jealousy but it's something we should watch for in our kids.  Some kids just have a more jealous streak than others.

Jealousy, like so many of the challenging traits we're all born with, can be identified and worked on.  It's also one of those traits that you have to be aware of and work on for your entire lifetime.  One of the most satisfying things I have heard as a parent, is one of my children saying, "Oh, I know why I'm so mad.  I'm just jealous."   I applaud that because as long as they know, they won't make others suffer for this mean spirited emotion.

And who hasn't been jealous?  It's something that most of us can relate to and it's a matter of degrees.  (I have to admit to being jealous over people's beautiful houses and I'm not even a material person, necessarily.  It's just that I don't have the domestic talent to pull it off and I have to keep my jealousy in check.)

It's a good thing to explain to kids when they're little.  Thanks to the Berenstein Bears for giving it a name.  Give your kids a big hug when they say, "I'm feeling like the Green-Eyed Monster!"  because once they call it out, the monster moves on.

Taking Action in Bullying Prevention

More people are getting involved in the bullying issue. Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, even celebrities are stepping up to tell us how they really feel about the whole culture of mean. Listen. Whatever works. Bullying is such a messed up and difficult problem to tackle that I personally applaud anyone who tries to untangle one string at a time.

It's always compelling to see "stars" speak from the heart and it's really helpful for awareness. Go Ellen, Madonna, Jaden, Greyson, Tracy Morgan...

It's even better if we're prepared for solutions. Multiple solutions.

The National School Climate Center provides free bully prevention resources, classroom activities, and supports to schools and students-in-need through their national BullyBust campaign. I asked the center's co-founder, Dr. Jonathon Cohen, the following question:

Is it possible to actually improve school climate?

Yes! Educators, parents and students can learn and work together in ways that actually make schools significantly safer, more supportive, engaging and helpfully challenging. And, when they do so, academic achieving increases, student dropout rates and teacher retention rates increases. However, improving school climate is – necessarily – a multi-year effort that needs to be a central goal for the whole school community.

As we have recently detailed in ‘School climate reform: Mobilizing and supporting the whole village to support student learning and positive youth development (Cohen, J.[2010] in Principal Leadership, September) there are five important lessons that we have learned that support effective and sustained school climate improvement efforts:

Lesson #1: Principal as leader: School climate improvement efforts need to be fully supported and led by the principal.

Lesson #2: How to measure school climate? School climate data provides the “anchor” as well as direction for school climate improvement efforts and the actualization of the school climate standards. It is important that school use a school climate survey, like the Comprehensive School Climate Inventory (http://www.schoolclimate.org/programs/csci.php) that is valid and reliable; recognize student, parent/guardians and school personnel “voice”; and assess all of the major areas of school climate (safety, relationships, teaching and learning and the environment).

Lesson #3: On the value of school climate improvement road maps: The vast majority of principals recognize that school climate matters. However, we discovered that many principals are not sure how to best support effective school climate improvement efforts that build on past successes and challenges. School climate improvement ‘road maps’ that included specific tasks and challenges that shape each of the five stages of the school climate improvement process provide an essential foundation for change.

Lesson #4: Creating school policies that support safe, engaging, healthy and helpfully challenging schools: Educational research should shape policy, which in turn dictates practice. When schools adopt or adapt the National School Climate Standards (www.schoolclimate.org/climate/standards.php) they are setting a social, emotional and civic as well as intellectual or ‘academic’ bar that schools must strive for.

Lesson #5: Educational practice that support the whole child: School leaders face an almost impossible task. It is an admirable – and essential – goal that no child be left behind. But to insure this we must understand and address a myriad of needs and barriers to learning.

Pass this info on to your schools and check out their resources. Now that we know better, we can do better.

National School Climate Center and Bully Bust Deserve Tangled Ball Award

Here's an organization that's doing the important work of drilling down to the meat of the problem. Formerly the Center for Social and Emotional Education, it has recently been renamed to National School Climate Center. It was established to research, assess and train educators on the critical elements that create better "school climates." In other words, more nurturing schools...because the safer kids feel, the better their performance.

Last year they created Bully Bust and last month launched a brand new site with incredible and FREE tools for schools and home. (Yes, I said FREE and they're fantastic.) So basically, there's no excuse not to use these resources.

Besides being really smart, they're creative, too. Check out their promotion with the Broadway show, Wicked. Wickedly brilliant!

Although the Center's focus is on educators, President and Co-Founder Jonathon Cohen was recently asked:

How can parents help improve school climate?

Parents and guardians play an essential and critical part in school climate reform. When in doubt, children listen to their parents and not educators. And, there is a growing body of educational research that underscores the importance of parents and educators learning and working together. Parent leaders need to work with school and ideally, student leaders to periodically consider the following kinds of essential questions:

• what kind of school do we really want ours to be? And, how are current policies or rules as well as instructional and school improvement efforts aligned with our vision?

• how can the adults work together in a ‘non-blaming’ and collaborative problem solving spirit?

• How can parents and teachers – together – develop plans that will be support their child and all children to be able to learn and develop in healthy ways.

It truly does take the whole village to raise healthy children. And, the “whole village” begins with parents and educators learning and working together to make their school a safe, supportive, engaging, helpfully challenging and as much as possible, fun place to be.

So here's to the smart folks at the National School Climate Center. Thanks for using your time and talents to help create schools where kids want to spend their time.

Bullying: Not Good For Grades

Students who are bullied regularly do substantially worse in school, UCLA psychologists report in a special issue of the Journal of Early Adolescence devoted to academic performance and peer relationships.

Who does their best work when they're unhappy? Once again, we shouldn't need a study to validate this fact but happy there is one. Thanks UCLA!

One more reason as parents to step up and step in when it comes to school climate. Just the fact that kids are being mistreated is reason enough...but it's academics, too. Sometimes bullying can set a tone in a classroom and that means that the majority of kids are not working to their potential.

For those that say bullying is part of growing up, I'll grant you that there seems to be a developmental need to get the upper hand. It's not abnormal that kids will try to be the powerful one. What isn't normal is that adults ignore it. It's a teachable moment. Whether you're a teacher, parent, coach or just over 21, it's your job to correct (preferably with kindness but firmness).

It's a question of balance. If more kids feel safe and secure in the classroom, it's a better atmosphere to do the best work. This is not an impossible dream. It's one classroom, home and soccer field at a time. It's teaching every child in the schoolyard or on their cell phones or computers how to be an upstander. Kids don't let other kids bully. It's that simple.

Once that message is sent, as adults we've done our job...and then they can do their job of doing their best in school.

What Happens When You Turn Away?

I was sick this past week and wanted a good book to distract myself. A friend suggested "Sarah's Key," The New York Times bestseller by Tatiana De Rosnay. Sounded light and just what I needed. I was probably the only one in the world who didn't know it was about the Holocaust. I didn't know if I had the energy to take on such a heavy subject but the way the author weaved the story connecting the past with the present was so engaging. I finished it in a day.

Although, over the years we've learned so much about the extreme nature of people's behavior during that horrible time in history -- those that hated and caused pain and destruction and those that risked their lives to help -- Sarah's Key made me want to honor those compassionate souls who didn't turn the other way. It was so difficult for them.

Don't we want to raise heroes? Compassionate souls who don't turn away. I suppose we have to lead by example and say "Not on my watch will I let another person cause anguish." It's a lesson we can learn from the past.

What is our role as bystanders? I came across a great expression coined by a group called School Climate. It's "upstanders." An upstander is a bystander who steps up. I really like that distinction because bystanders come in different forms:

Assistants - who actively join in the attack
Reinforcers - who give positive feedback to the bully, perhaps by smiling or laughing
Outsiders - who stay back, stay quiet and thereby condone the bullying behavior
Defenders - who try to intervene to stop the bullying or comfort the target. (Upstanders!)

There is a long list of ways that kids can be an "upstander." They can help by going to an adult or surrounding the target, or not participating in the mean-spirited behavior. Whatever their comfort level is. It's important not to force a child to do something they don't feel capable of such as confronting the bullies but it is important to empower them by giving them choices of ways they can help. Witnesses, like victims, feel the affects of bullying: stomach aches, lack of concentration, sadness. We have the power to empower them.

A book I'd like to suggest is Stan Davis' Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention.

And as I tell the kids, "The best leaders teach by example." We can all brush up on our upstander skills.