Kindergarten: Good Time to Create Good School Relationship

There are four strings in the tangled ball of bullying that I think are really important:

•  Early Prevention

•  Parenting

•  Parent-School Relationship

•  Role of the Bystander (Upstander!)

I thought of all four of these as I watched the first day of Kindergarten unfold at a school in my neighborhood.

Kindergarten is such a beautiful milestone.  The kids are adorable and excited and the parents are interested in getting them on the right path.

In other words, everyone is anxious to be at their best so it becomes a huge teachable opportunity for the kids and the adults!  Kindergarten teachers have a big job.  They teach kids everything from tying their shoes to reading...but they're also teaching the parents how to be "school ready" and how to get involved in their children's education.

Part of that education is how the kids treat each other (early prevention and becoming upstanders) but also how parents (parenting) should interact with the school and how the school should communicate with the parent (parent-school relationship).

Does your school encourage a healthy parent/school relationship?

Please share the good and/or the bad.  It's one of the key ingredients to a successful school career and we can all learn from each other.

The Green Eyed Monster and Bullying

There was a Berenstein Bears book that I used to read to the kids called "The Green-Eyed Monster," and it's about jealousy.

Jealousy can cause people to act in crazy ways and I suspect that it is one of the main emotions behind some bullying.  It's one of those emotions that causes the tangled ball to become more complicated because people and even kids are often skilled at covering the jealousy with emotions like anger and intolerance.  When a person is jealous they will do anything to pull the other person down.  Anything.  And sometimes, they're so good at it, that they get others in on the act and watch out.  The target has no chance.

By the time the bullying is in full swing, no one realizes that it started with jealousy.  It was the seed that poisoned a domino effect of actions.  The poor victim often doesn't even know that it was because they have a talent or a trait that inspires jealousy.

It often works well for the bully because they have diminished their target and the talent is now secondary.  Of course, bullying does not always start out with jealousy but it's something we should watch for in our kids.  Some kids just have a more jealous streak than others.

Jealousy, like so many of the challenging traits we're all born with, can be identified and worked on.  It's also one of those traits that you have to be aware of and work on for your entire lifetime.  One of the most satisfying things I have heard as a parent, is one of my children saying, "Oh, I know why I'm so mad.  I'm just jealous."   I applaud that because as long as they know, they won't make others suffer for this mean spirited emotion.

And who hasn't been jealous?  It's something that most of us can relate to and it's a matter of degrees.  (I have to admit to being jealous over people's beautiful houses and I'm not even a material person, necessarily.  It's just that I don't have the domestic talent to pull it off and I have to keep my jealousy in check.)

It's a good thing to explain to kids when they're little.  Thanks to the Berenstein Bears for giving it a name.  Give your kids a big hug when they say, "I'm feeling like the Green-Eyed Monster!"  because once they call it out, the monster moves on.

When Young Kids Feel the True Meaning of Power: The Anti-Bully

You don't have to be "powerful" to stand up. Standing up will change you, change the world, and may even change the bully.

Rick Ackerly, education expert and author of The Genius in Children, offered the above comment on a recent Tangled Ball post regarding Jennifer Aniston's upstander moment.

I'm so grateful that he did because it really got me thinking about that word "powerful." As anyone knows who reads this blog, I use the book ONE, by Kathryn Otoshi as the foundation for a mentoring campaign for K-8 schools. Although technically a children's book, ONE demonstrates that some children seem to naturally know how to step up but others need to be shown. In other words, it's a teachable skill. Sometimes it's taught by an adult but my guess is that more often it's taught by example and by a peer.

Among the many reasons I love this book is that it so beautifully and simply changes the perception that only a few kids in a class are "powerful." Popularity, charisma, physical strength or aggression are not the only sources of power. Each child, if trained to step up in a way comfortable for them individually, can become empowered. When you see it in action, empowerment is no longer a buzz word. It's a joy watching kids become very comfortable in their own skin. They seem less self-conscious, more relaxed and quicker to appreciate their own voice.

His comment made me feel hopeful. Since I'm a big fan of hope in general, I reached out to "Mr. Rick," as he's known to students, to ask the following question:

When it comes to elementary school-aged children, what's your definition of 'powerful'?

My definition of a powerful elementary school child is the same as for all people, i.e someone who is skilled at defining themselves creatively, effectively and gracefully in the world. Since people are defined not only as unique entities but also by their relationships, this self-definition has everything to do with our relationships with others. Since the world is ever-changing, it is a never ending, dynamic process.

A powerful kindergartner is one who comes into the room, ready for the next challenge that their teacher or classmates dish out, someone who will see a project and make it her own whatever the given constraints. One of my favorite Ken Robinson stories is of the kindergartner who is drawing madly at his desk when the teacher comes by and says: “What are you drawing?”
K: “A picture of God.”
T: “But no one has ever seen God.”
K: “They will in a minute.”

This kindergartner is powerful. Following our genius to become our character is the everyday challenge of life from conception to death. It is also the purpose of education. Powerful people take responsibility for their relationships (100%-0, not 50-50), strive to harmonize their desires with those of others, and come across as comfortable in their own skin. For most of my career I have acted as if all people can be powerful like this and have pretty good anecdotal evidence that it’s true.

That's what I like to hear! "All people can be powerful like this." They just might need some help starting in Kindergarten.

In future posts, I'll let you know what Rick said about defining a child as a "bully" or "victim." Hint: It doesn't work so well when you're trying to nurture empowerment.

Raising Champions

If you're a college football fan, you know that at a certain midwest university it's tradition for the players to hit this sign before they run onto the field. These words and this tradition reminds players to be their best. Show leadership on the field. Take your team to victory.

That type of leadership doesn't start in college. Kids learn very early on what leadership is all about. Some learn to lead by creating an imbalance of power while others learn to lead by example and have the interests of the whole "team" at heart. We all want our kids to be leaders but which kind? The first type leaves a trail of pain while the other empowers.

When bullying behavior is not corrected, kids learn that creating an imbalance of power by fear is the quickest way to get other kids to follow. When kids are corrected and told about basic right and wrong, they most often build the skills to play like a champion even in the schoolyard.

A champion, even at an early age, can affect the social climate of a classroom. A good leader -- even as a pee wee -- can help create an inclusive, supportive atmosphere. A champion is someone who people WANT to be around, whether it's playing in the schoolyard or in a stadium.

So coaches, i.e. parents and teachers, know your players -- and don't let them get away with bullying their peers.

The Jean M. Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse and School Violence was recently established at the University of Buffalo. It was made possible by Dr. Alberti who, at one time, was a fifth grade teacher. She became interested in peer abuse after realizing how classrooms were changing. Congratulations Dr. Alberti for playing like a champion and creating this center. Here's some information from their first symposium in April. Hope it's helpful.

How ironic that the football team at the university in the midwest mentioned above are known as the Fight'in Irish. Since they're rivals to my favorite team, I'd rather keep it at that.

ONE Day

P.S. 22 hits it out of the park again. This time with Matisyahu's One Day:

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because
all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play

"And our children will play." Exactly. If we teach our children to spend time playing and not tolerate them putting each other down, it will be One Day to celebrate.

We can only start one home at a time. As a parent if you have the expectation that your child will be kind to others, it's one more in a classroom that changes the balance from mean spirited to just plain spirited.

It just takes ONE...and then one more...and then one more....

Preparing for the 2010-2011 School Year

My husband would be horrified if he knew I even uttered "preparing for the new school year" in July. He's been out of school for quite a while now but he still goes pale when he sees those "Back to School" signs. Seriously, he almost gets sick.

In some parts of the country, there's plenty of summer left but here's something to ponder as you sit around the pool or go camping or traveling or just hanging out reading a book in a nice cool place:

What can be done to improve my child's school's climate?

(What the heck does "school climate" mean? In a nutshell, it means "is the school friendly, safe, and a nice place to go?")

Schools need parents to help. Article after article about bullying and cyber bullying discuss the responsibility of schools. Schools most definitely have to kick it up a notch when it comes to addressing peer to peer abuse. It can't be effectively done, though, if parents aren't solidly on board.

So much can be done to prevent bullying in the younger grades. It just makes sense to start early and set the expectation of how kids treat others in the classroom, schoolyard and online.

Here are some basics that EVERYONE with young kids going to school can make their responsibility:

• Teach your own children how to relate to others in a kind way.

• Tell them to be nice to the "new kid."

• Compliment them when you catch them treating others, including their siblings, well and tell them that's what leaders do.

• Conversely, if you catch them in the act of bullying others, there should be swift and consistent punishment.

• Be on the lookout for good books, DVDs and other programs that teach tolerance.

• Talk to your school PTA about making those books, DVDs, etc. available in the classroom.

• When you child starts school, don't do anything as a parent that makes other parents and kids feel left out, including handing out invitations when not everyone is included.

• Encourage your child to develop different groups of friends.

• Watch out for other children, not just your own.

• Teach them what being an "upstander" means. It's someone that sticks up for others and upstanders are heroes. For example, if they hear kids call other kids names like "stupid," "fat," "ugly," etc. they should either tell an adult or if they feel brave, tell the bullies to stop.

Bullying will always be an issue but it's making sure that the balance in a school is generally nurturing. It starts with ONE and then spreads.