Plz Help Me

I've taken my foot off the pedal the past few months.

I have to admit to fatigue.  At times, I feel like a cheerleader for a team that only wins a few games a year and can't seem to fill a stadium.

The issue of bullying finally started getting some attention for, unfortunately, tragic reasons. First there was Columbine, then national stories of young kids and suicide and then along came Bully, the documentary that exposed some of the unthinkable ways peers treat each other.

Politicians, including the President, jumped in, laws were created and companies started sponsoring bullying prevention initiatives.  All good but I fear bullying will become the latest issue to fade into the background of the national consciousness just like homelessness or AIDS or the environment.  In other words, if you're in it for the long haul, you have to deal with the boomerang effect.  When I talk about bullying prevention, I can now see that dreaded look in people's eyes that say, "Been there, done that."

Plz Help Me

Just when I started thinking that I was wasting my time,  I opened my email and there was an anonymous message that simply read, "Plz help me."  I tried to reach back but there was no way to do it.   It originally was sent to me through a thread on The Bully Project web site.   Luckily I saw that they list a help line and because I haven't stopped worrying about this person, I hope they reached out.

It doesn't matter if bullying is the topic du jour.  It is still a source of incredible pain for thousands of kids and their parents. Missing out on a lighthearted childhood is it's own tragedy.

My area of interest in this big tangled ball of a mess called "bullying" is the bigger topic of resilience and leadership.  My theory is that we have to start focusing on character education at a much younger age and parents need to be at the center of the effort.  It needs to be simple, affordable, sustainable, creative and positive.

In the fall, I will start a series for young parents on how to nurture leadership skills at home and encourage it in school because the more "little leaders" in the classroom, the less likely bullying will be a big problem.  Good all around.

In the meantime, I like to share really good resources.  My pick of the day is the book "Wonder," by R.J. Palacio.  The truth is that kids perceived as "different," whether it's a learning, physical or emotional challenge are picked on.  Wonder will inspire you to be a better parent and will give you an insight to the true meaning of leadership, resilience and spirit.

If you're reading this, it means you care, too.  Thank you.

P.S. 45 Takes "Respect For All' Seriously All Year Long

Visiting Staten Island's P.S. 45 (John Tyler School) inspired me.  (For those reading this outside of New York City, P.S. stands for Public School.)

Every student in this elementary school participated in an awesome kick-off  assembly honoring Respect for All Week.  The students were led in a special reading of Kathryn Otoshi's book Zero by a group of their peers involved in the SOAR program.  (To facilitate character building,  New York State Senator Andrew Lanza sponsored One Can Count in all the elementary schools in his district.  Multiple copies of One and Zero were provided to each school.)

According to guidance counselor and SOAR mentor Libby McPike,

SOAR stands for Safe Organized Attitude Respect. It's our school wide positive behavior model. Kids follow these expectations and when caught doing well, can be rewarded with eagle dollars (eagle is our school mascot). Then they shop in the SOAR STORE for items anywhere from erasers to DVD players (all run on donations). 

P.S. 45's approach to teaching respect and character education is one more example to me that "leadership is the anti-bully." And sometimes teaching leadership takes a bit of creativity. Ms. Libby and her students have plenty of that to share. Here's just a snippet of the kind of activities that this dedicated professional and the students she mentors have developed to engage the entire school -- staff and students alike -- in the empowering messages of kindness, tolerance and respect. 

Monday: 

Wear Purple: Purple is the color of good judgment. It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. Purple is a good color to use in meditation. Purple has been used to symbolize magic and mystery, as well as royalty. Being the combination of red and blue, the warmest and coolest colors, purple is believed to be the ideal color. 

Activity: Good Deed CatalogIt goes without saying that it’s important to teach kids to do nice things for one another. During Respect for All Week, keep a running tally of good deeds that students perform. These can include helping clean up, consoling a sad classmate, sharing, helping out a friends, etc. Tell your class that if they reach a certain number of good deeds for the week, they will receive some sort of prize (Ex. Lunch with the teacher, homework pass, Good Deed Certificate, Etc.)

On the day I visited, the gym it was an enthusiastic sea of purple. 

After reading the book, the group of SOAR students (as young as 3rd grade) led the entire school in a question and answer session based on the themes of Zero, including "What does it mean to have a hole in your middle?" and "How did it feel to have the other numbers step up?".

5 Things I Learned at P.S. 45

•    A thoughtful, creative and enthusiastic administration is the foundation for promoting high quality character education.  (A shout out to principal Ms. Chavez and parent coordinator Mrs. Poli who allowed me to be there and so graciously welcomed me to their school.)

•  It's a worthy commitment to create an environment where leadership is part of the culture year round.

•  Helping students develop leadership skills such as public speaking gives children confidence and confidence is the key to resilience.

•  When students are expected to listen to each other and value each person's opinion, they rise to the occasion.  (Note:  Amazing how many students were eager to be a part of the question/answer session.  The students obviously felt safe to share their opinions with a gym full of their peers.)

•  The students had fun.  Teaching children to step up helps children SOAR and it's never boring.

(Speaking of "stepping up," Ms. Libby went the extra step and wore purple shoes!)

Teaching leadership and respect takes a lot of hard work.  Mentoring children is exhausting and never a perfect process.  For those reasons, I am deeply grateful for the fine professionals at P.S. 45 and other schools around the country who hang in there every day and give it 100%.  You deserve a parade.

Thank you.

Principals Have the Power to Encourage Leadership: The Anti-Bully

Leadership is not a rank or a position. Leadership is a service to be given. -- Simon Sinek

Leadership comes in all sizes, shapes, colors, and ages.  That's the message being given at P.S. 23, a wonderful elementary school on Staten Island that I recently had the privilege to visit.P.S. 23 takes leadership seriously.  As part of The Leader In Me program, each student from Kindergarten through 5th grade is taught the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen R. Covey.Often when I walk into a school and see motivational messages on the walls, I think, "that's really nice"...but do they actually promote this to the students in a more meaningful way?  Well, I got my answer during the assembly that I led about One Can Count. (Thanks to Senator Lanza for making One Can Count available in Staten Island elementary schools.) When I asked questions about respect and stepping up for one another, I got answers like "Seek first to understand and then be understood."  Or "it's about trust."  These are sophisticated concepts for such young students, but kids are smart and when you treat them like they are, they rise to the occasion.Before the principal, Mr. Paul Proscia,  introduced me, he spoke with the children first.  He set it up by reminding them that they are all leaders.  (By the way, he was not talking to them like children.  He was talking to them like intelligent adults in the making.   It was a sea of little faces but their brains were active and engaged.)  He is helping them change the perception of leadership by explaining that leaders are everywhere --  as construction workers, business people, police officers, teachers, nurses, cafeteria workers.  "The president is a leader but you don't have to be president to be considered a leader."

Sound simplistic?  It's not.  These are messages every 5 year-old and up needs to hear in school.  Each child needs to be seen, heard and given the feeling that their unique personalities and talents make them leadership material.

At P.S. 23, they are given the opportunity to be leaders, including being a "Leader of the Month."  The rubric that decides if you get this honor is not based on grades.  It's based on showing respect, helping others, academic effort and using their talents in productive ways.

Mr. Proscia made One the Book of the Month for the entire school.  Before I even made my visit, they understood what the book was about.  It's about stepping up.  It's about being yourself.  It's about inclusion.  It's about leadership.

Why should a school make leadership and social emotional learning a priority?  The children do better in school.  That's it.  Bottom line.  They become their "best self."

Sometimes it just takes One.  

P.S. 23 is a One.

Facebook Is OK for Kids: LOLJK

You're a fat pig. LOLJK*

You're so gay it makes me sick. LOLJK

What's wrong with you? LOLJK

You smell. LOLJK

What kind of outfit is that? Loser. LOLJK

You are soooooooooo stupid. LOLJK

Want to be my friend?

Over 7.5 MILLION kids under the required minimum age of 13 are on Facebook, according to a recent Consumers Union study. According to this article in the LA Times, parents with children on Facebook and under the age of 10 do not even "friend" their child on Facebook.

If you are one of those parents, I would really like to hear from you why this is ok. Are you certain that your child or your child's "friends" aren't saying stuff like this online? Are you sure it's a child talking to your child?

I hear from parents that their kids tell them "it's not fair" that they can't get a Facebook page. What's really not fair is to put kids in sophisticated situations before they're able to handle it. In all honesty, 13 is even too young.

The LA Times brings up a several key points:

For minors who lack the experience or judgment to use a social network, this raises the scary potential of sexual predators tracking down kids who reveal their age in an online chat, cyberbullying and more.

“A million kids were bullied on Facebook in the last year," Jeff Fox, technology editor at Consumer Reports, told FoxNews.com upon the release of the study. "A 10-year-old is not well-equipped to deal with those things.”

"Friending" your child isn't the complete answer, either. What do you do when you "friend" and you don't like what you see? Do you take your child's page down when you don't like what the other kids are saying? Are you sure an adult isn't posing as a child? When do you step in?

I do believe that kids need to learn how to handle social media but that is best done on sites that are kid-friendly, like Yoursphere, and others. And even then, it's only ok if it becomes a "teachable moment" and you sit next to them and guide them. How did you teach them how to cross the road safely? Did you stay in the house reading a magazine and tell them to come and tell you if they got hit by a car?

*LOLJK: Laugh Out Loud Just Kidding

Step up parents. This is no laughing matter. Your kids are hiding behind their LOLJKs. And who's hiding behind the kids?

Every School Has a Bullying Issue. So now what?

Let me put it this way, it is highly unusual when a school doesn't have a bullying issue. The national statistic is about 30% of kids in schools say they've been bullied. After I conducted a survey in a local school (with 4th-8th graders, actually) it was, surprisingly, 30%. I say surprisingly because this is a well run school with "nice" kids.

What I thought was cool, is that the principal didn't hide from that number. She is a confident administrator who didn't get defensive. She said, "Well, then let's do something about it." My hero!

The challenge was two-fold. It's not just the "what," it's the "how" on a limited budget.

What are the goals?

• to focus on early prevention

• to engage all students in the building

• to make it positive and to empowering

• to engage teachers

• to engage parents

• to make it sustainable

• to build a foundation for growth

• to promote friendship and respect

• to provide multiple opportunities to repeat positive messages

• to make it fun and effective

Was it possible to accomplish some of these goals...with very little money?

Impossible!...until One came along.

The book is ageless and beautiful. It's message of standing up for one another resonates with children of all ages and adults. With One as the foundation, we built a One for All Leadership Campaign where the upper grades mentor the younger children by reading and working on activities with their "buddies."

Although Ms. Otoshi is extremely busy and lives across the country, she kindly designed a t-shirt for the partners to wear when they get together to talk about what it's like to Be the One. They're a team.

I highly recommend this approach. It's about prevention for the little ones and it's a teachable moment (literally) for the older students, who are quickly becoming fantastic mentors.

It's sustainable because there are other books, too, that are great tools. Kathryn has even come out with a sequel called Zero.

Obviously, it's not the whole answer. Training for the administration, teachers and parents is key and still has to happen...but it's a start. And starting somewhere is much better than standing still. One string at a time.

By the way, money for training and programs should not be the stumbling block. Organizations like National School Climate Center and Pacer have FREE training tools. But If states are passing bullying prevention laws that require training -- New Jersey being one -- hopefully, money will be attached. Parochial and private schools need training money, too. I'm just saying...

Rock On in Bullying Prevention

Almost everyone has had a great teacher in their lives. One of mine was Mrs. Behrens in the third grade. If you went by looks alone, you'd be terrified. She was an imposing figure. Luckily for the hundreds of kids she taught over the years, that was only a brief first impression.

Although it was a small Catholic elementary school without any type of arts program, she created her own. She would often tell us in the afternoon to clear our desks except for crayons or colored pencils. She would pass out a sparkling white clean sheet of paper to each student and then ask us to just clear our minds. She would put on classical music and simply introduce it by saying, "Enjoy Bach." We just listened to music from a record player (yes, a record player) she brought from her own home and records from her own collection and let our minds just drift as we drew anything we wanted. It turned my whole day around and allowed my 8 year-old mind to relax and expand. We all loved it. Mrs. Behrens was brilliant!

Here's something that's not talked about enough -- music and bullying prevention.

Singing it, playing it, creating it, or listening to it, music is the great communicator. So why don't we use more of it to get messages across in school, lower kids' frustrations and create a better school climate in general?

There are hundreds of reasons why schools are often very tense, especially as kids approach middle and high school. Music is a great tension reliever. It allows all ages to express themselves and being able to express yourself, lowers frustration.

School budgets are always part of the challenge but introducing music in the classroom is easy and doesn't take a big budget. Just ask Mrs. B, now in her eighties and a much less imposing figure. But it's still the size of her heart and her simple wisdom that are impressive.

Here's a little of P.S, 22 Chorus to help drive home the point. It makes me smile that the chorus teacher's name is Mr. B.

Raising Champions

If you're a college football fan, you know that at a certain midwest university it's tradition for the players to hit this sign before they run onto the field. These words and this tradition reminds players to be their best. Show leadership on the field. Take your team to victory.

That type of leadership doesn't start in college. Kids learn very early on what leadership is all about. Some learn to lead by creating an imbalance of power while others learn to lead by example and have the interests of the whole "team" at heart. We all want our kids to be leaders but which kind? The first type leaves a trail of pain while the other empowers.

When bullying behavior is not corrected, kids learn that creating an imbalance of power by fear is the quickest way to get other kids to follow. When kids are corrected and told about basic right and wrong, they most often build the skills to play like a champion even in the schoolyard.

A champion, even at an early age, can affect the social climate of a classroom. A good leader -- even as a pee wee -- can help create an inclusive, supportive atmosphere. A champion is someone who people WANT to be around, whether it's playing in the schoolyard or in a stadium.

So coaches, i.e. parents and teachers, know your players -- and don't let them get away with bullying their peers.

The Jean M. Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse and School Violence was recently established at the University of Buffalo. It was made possible by Dr. Alberti who, at one time, was a fifth grade teacher. She became interested in peer abuse after realizing how classrooms were changing. Congratulations Dr. Alberti for playing like a champion and creating this center. Here's some information from their first symposium in April. Hope it's helpful.

How ironic that the football team at the university in the midwest mentioned above are known as the Fight'in Irish. Since they're rivals to my favorite team, I'd rather keep it at that.