This article in Slate about Phoebe Prince and the events leading up to her suicide is an important read.
It focuses less on bullying and more on the fact that, according to this piece, she was troubled. She was involved in a lot more stuff than what you want a fifteen year-old to be doing, including cutting herself, having sex and smoking pot.
Reporter Emily Bazelon describes a variety of factors leading up to Phoebe's death, including her parents' separation and her heart-wrenching sadness at missing her father who stayed behind in Ireland.
The most disturbing part of this is that she was fifteen. It would be hard to handle all the emotions that come with the grief of separation as well as the guilt of risky behavior at such a young age.
It seems that some of the wheels were falling off for poor Phoebe. Perhaps the harshness of peers helped force one or two of those wheels to come loose. The students charged in her death may or may not be responsible but the cruelty of some of their interactions and their extracurricular activities should make us sit up and take notice.
I'm sure there was no way for them to know how vulnerable she already was, but isn't that the case for all of us? When we're being harsh, we don't actually know if we're talking to a "Phoebe Prince" or not.
If there's a lesson here, it's that we need to work harder to smooth over the edges that kids are developing by their early teens. Keeping the wheels on starts early.
The name of this blog is Tangled Ball because bullying is a tangled mess. EVERY incident is caused by multiple factors: the personalities of the kids involved; the method -- whether it's physical, verbal, mental, emotional, online or offline; the school climate; the involvement of parents; or the involvement of the principal, teachers and/or other adults.
Sometimes complicated problems can only be solved one string at a time.
Let's start with the last one: other adults.
First step: we need to cut each other some slack. Adults are not mind readers. It's tough to know what to do. Our culture is moving away from the concept that a village raises a child. What does that mean? Sometimes an adult feels like it's not their place to reach out to a child or teen that is not their own.
This blog post is giving you permission.
It's back to the basics because experts say that when an adult is interested in the welfare of a child, parent or not, it makes a big difference. (And we don't really need experts to tell us this because if we look back in our own childhoods, we know it's true.) So instead of looking at it as a negative, it's a positive. It doesn't hurt to ask a child or teen, "Is everything ok?" Simple as that. And then LISTEN. Just sit and listen. Show that you're listening by asking a follow up question. Don't be in a hurry. Don't have an opinion. Unless the opinion is, "You deserve to be treated well."
It's almost impossible to know the right thing to say. But that doesn't mean we can't care. It also doesn't mean that we can't help that child talk to the school counselor or someone who may have more of the answers, even the parents.
So if anyone is reading this today, be on the lookout for kids who might need someone to ask the question, "Is everything ok?" We'll never regret caring.
The tragedy keeps unfolding. I feel like the whole country got a glass of ice water thrown on their face. Anyone who's been on the fence about whether bullying is just "kids being kids" got a wake up call.
No one wants to be Phoebe Prince's family tonight. No one wants to be one of the nine teenagers and their families tonight. Bottom line.
So. How do we talk to our kids about it? Ask them what they think. Believe me, a conversation like that will be invaluable. Ask them what they think. Ask them how they think it can be changed. It's a good time to listen.
Over the decades, kids have seemed to find a place to have a good time that was all their own. Their own world.
What we have now is a dilemma. Kids, I think, still need that space and for many it's being online. Where are the lines? Legitimately, the suicide of 15-year old Phoebe Prince has rattled many parents. Something went terribly wrong in that part of Phoebe's world.
In preparing for parent workshop at a local elementary school on Friday, I was thinking about concrete things we can do to give kids their space but to help stop bullying from overpowering their emotional health.
What I ended up with was a few simple suggestions... but I'm also left with a few questions.
The Contract...Know the Territory
• Start with a simple contract that sets the ground rules for all technology that can be posted next to the computer.
Up to grade 5
The younger ones might actually have fun going over it with you. It shows you're interested.
Grades 6-8
The older kids may roll their eyes, be embarrassed or maybe even a little mad. Do it anyway.
High School
High School is hard. Some type of contract or agreement is still necessary but you may want to handle it with care. Establishing rules about texting and online behavior becomes even more important but you don't want to treat them like babies. Even talking about Phoebe's story may illustrate how their safety and happiness is at the center of the need for some boundaries.
Side Benefits
Experts are great about saying, "Talk to your kids." What does that mean? It's hard to just randomly start talking about subjects that you're not exactly comfortable addressing. A contract gives you a reason and the words to open up the conversation -- and with your focus on the contract, you don't even have to give each other eye contact which can make these conversations more relaxed. It's a time to set consequences so it's clear that when the rule is broken, there will be a punishment. Just like any parenting issue, consistency is key.
If you're not familiar with what your kids are doing online, ask them to take you for a "tour." If that feels awkward, ask them to show you something on YouTube and then keep going. Make them feel like the expert not a criminal. For example, when the contract talks about "personal settings," and you're not sure what that is, ask your kids to show you. It's ok not to know as long as you're willing to learn.
Compliment them for being so smart online. If there's something you don't like, ask questions, don't just leap to being mad. The goal is for your kids to TELL you when someone bullies them or acts inappropriately. They definitely will NOT tell you if they think you'll be angry instead of sympathetic.
The overwhelming majority of kids DO NOT TELL A PARENT when they are harrassed online. That's a huge problem right there. By the time a parent finds out, the damage is done. Kids are trying to navigate the super highway of emotions online. It's isolating, debilitating and frightening. And the last thing you want is peers to parent peers only. Peer to peer advice is great in some instances but not always when it comes to the big stuff like their reputation.
Those are two suggestions that I'm going to throw out there on Friday. I'll keep you posted on whether they were well received or if they're realistic/useful in any way.
Now for the question. Why do we let our kids on Facebook or MySpace at such young ages? I know many are on even younger than 13, the supposed minimum age that Facebook or MySpace allows.
I know they feel left out if they're not on. I get that and fitting in is SO important. That's not sarcasm. It really is...BUT it's still a little risky. At the middle school age and into high school, friends are fickle. Things turn quickly. Egos are forming. According to the statistics, at least 3 out of 10 kids are cyber bullied. Even nice quiet kids "flex their muscles" online.
Could parents of classmates decide as a group to hold off on letting their kids have Facebook or MySpace pages? I'm just asking. Could the conversation be included in schools' open houses? Could information go home to parents of 6th, 7th, 8th graders?
It's easier if not everyone "is doing it." Just a thought. You may want to consider talking to your friends and your school. You know what they say..."Safety in numbers."
And after all is said and done, I still think it's important for kids to have their own space. Monitoring every little move seems unnatural but it needs to be balanced with enough involvement that they're not in the woods totally alone. When they get lost you need to know how to find them.
John Halligan knows all too well what Phoebe Princes' parents are going through tonight. Phoebe was a 15 year-old freshman at South Hadley High School in Western Massachusetts. Authorities believe she took her own life after being bullied off and online. John was there six years ago when his 13 year-old son, Ryan, took his own life for the same tragic reasons.
The pain is incomprehensible.
It made me realize that taunts at school and online can bring down whole families. But instead of retreating and becoming bitter, this dedicated father has travelled to dozens, maybe hundreds, of elementary, middle and high schools around the country telling kids Ryan's story.
Recently, I asked John the following question:
After travelling the country and speaking to thousands of kids, what reaction to Ryan's story are you most amazed or surprised by?
The responses are always overwhelming. I'm always so touched by seeing eyes well up with tears as I speak and look around the auditorium. And when I pause between sentences, the silence tells me they are truly taking this in. When it is over, I'm so heart warmed by students who come up and give me a hug. And what really surprises me is to receive e-mails months and years later from students who heard Ryan's story. Most tell me that Ryan's story changed their life for the better. Many confessed they were the bully and have since apologized to their victims and changed their behavior for the better. Understanding now how truly loved they are by family and friends, many students confide in me that they gained the courage and strength to get help for a friend or for themselves for suicidal feelings. This is why I keep telling Ryan's story.
When I heard Phoebe's story, I immediately thought of John and his wife, Kelly, and Ryan's brother and sister. Their hearts must break every time they hear about another victim. They are certainly doing everything they can do to spread the word to stop this madness but they need more help. Obviously, the message didn't get to South Hadley.
This is happening way too often. We know that kids are basically good. The fact that John sees that when he visits each school is hopeful. What can each of us do to cover the towns, schools, communities that John can't?
Start talking. Start Listening. Start stepping in. Don't tolerate your children being mean off or online. Don't accept it from anyone else.
Susan S. Raisch is a marketing and public affairs consultant for companies, organizations, foundations and experts who address the issues of bullying and online safety, as well as other issues affecting the home and schools.
Susan has played a key role in the successful launch and rollout of many television and publishing public service programs and campaigns for companies such as Sesame Street, ABC, Court TV, and Scholastic, among many others.
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