A Love Letter to Myself

What does prevention mean in the bullying world?  Is it that we try to stop people from being mean to each other or is it that we help shield children and adults from the pain it causes.

It's a trick question.  I think it's both.

I was in a situation recently that made me think about the importance of blunting that long tail of pain.  How do we help people who've been belittled feel better?  How do we stop that horrible spiral that leaves you emotionally spent and feeling worthless?  (That's what skilled bullies do.  They're really good at it.  They know just the button and they go for it.)

No one is completely immune.

When it happened to me recently, it caused a horrible domino effect of bad.  No matter how I tried to push it out of my brain, it still caused heartache and doubt.  I wondered, 'How can kids put up with this?  How do they survive it?'  (Some kids don't.)

It sucked the joy out of my life -- temporarily.

It had a hold on me until I remembered something.  I'm awesome!

If we can get kids and even some grown up kids to remember those things about themselves that leave no doubt of their worth, if we can get them to write it down before some cruel person robs them of their joy, that's prevention.

This is what I said to the person who made me feel small:

Hold on a minute.  Do you realize that in my entire life, I've never set out to make anyone feel bad about anything?  I've raised four kids who make it a point to be nice to people.  Along the way, I've worked hard, done some good things and have left a good trail.  I deserve to be treated nicely.  

Phew.  I'm glad I remembered that before I got sucked into the mean vortex.

Now the trick is to get kids to write down why they're so great so when they're in a bullying emergency, they can get to that list and read it over and over.  Let's raise strong kids who never forget why they shouldn't be made to feel like the scum on the bottom of a shoe.

It's ok to say you expect to be treated well.

"Bully" and the R Rating. What do you think?

The MPAA denied Bully, the new documentary by Lee Hirsch, a PG-13 rating. Katy Butler, a high school student in Ann Arbor, Michigan is responsible for gathering over 200,000 signatures on a petition to the MPAA to ask them to reconsider. The R rating was given due to language.

Seems that everyone is talking about it (including Ellen DeGeneres) but I'd like to hear from parents and teachers of middle and high school students what you think.

Thankful for the People Who Step Up: ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition

Are you ever curious how and why certain people become involved in the bullying prevention issue?

Recently, I became aware of a great site and facebook page for ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. It's really inclusive. It made me wonder who started it and why. When I found out the founders, Cari, Candice and Aunt T, are based in Michigan City, Indiana, I almost fell off my chair. I grew up in Michigan City (Long Beach, specifically) and although I was 13 when we moved and I have no family there, I still consider it "home."

Their Mission:

We are passionate about implementing pro-active anti-bullying solutions into our school system and as far around the world as we can grow! We have found such need in our community to advocate for families as well as help change the belief that "kids will be kids" and "it makes them stronger" with the knowledge that even one bullying episode can have life long negative effects. And although our program is currently focused on school time bullying, we hope to spread the word; bullying is a personality and it spans all ages and crosses all boundaries; race, religion, size, gender, socioeconomic status, educational level, sexual orientation and does not stop in High School but continues on to the workplace, retirement homes, private clubs, organizations, it's everywhere.

Why They Stepped Up:
Cari’s Story:

There are moments in life that change us, define us for the next chapter, and it was one of those moments that inevitably led to the creation of ABC. I am a mom of three children, distinct and wonderful in their individual ways. When people ask me why I started ABC, they are always surprised when I tell them it’s not because I was bullied, or because my own children have faced it…. Is it a factor behind it? Yes, of course…. But it was not the inspiration. Instead the inspiration came in a defining moment, when I found myself openly crying in my office after reading yet another story of a child who had taken their own life due to bullying. I empathized with the child that felt it was their only escape and as a parent, who cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It is my greatest fear. Right then, I decided I would do “something” in the fight against bullying.

I researched it heavily, wrote letters, connected with teachers and friends… I talked with my fiancé of knowing this was “something” I was meant to do, but I didn’t know what that “something” would turn out to be. The “something” became clear, when my best friend, Candice, put me in touch with moms locally whose children were facing bullying and were being silenced by the school system. ABC was created within days and I continue to look forward to a future so bright “I have to wear shades.” ☺ I am determined to end bullying…. That is my goal, and while there may be those who scoff and say, “That’s never going to happen,” it only makes me that much more determined. Each time I learn of another child’s death, I cry tears… tears for the child, tears for the parent, the family and the friends… and my resolve strengthens. We CAN change this society from one of cruelty and violence to one of kindness and empathy. We CAN stand up, band together and have our voices heard. We CAN do all of these things….. together.

Candice’s Story:

I am involved with ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition for many, many reasons, but the main desire to help end bullying stems from experiences I had during my high school years.

When I was younger, I was teased, bullied, and sexually harassed beyond belief because of my large breast size, which lead to taunting and malicious rumors being spread about me. Because of the extreme personal nature of the bullying, I was too ashamed to tell my parents, a teacher, or an adult about the harassment. I am still ashamed about it to this day.

As a result, I developed severe anxiety issues relating to school, especially the classes that included my tormentors. Eventually, I had skipped so many classes, and missed so much school that I had to be pulled out and “homeschooled” for the remainder of the school year, and the administrators recommended that I attend the city’s Alternative High School the next school year. This “punishment” ended up being my salvation.

The alternative high school’s atmosphere was completely different from that of the public school. It was more family oriented, with students comfortable enough to stick up for fellow students when issues would arise, and teachers and administrators sincerely cared for their students, which was constantly demonstrated through their actions. Here, my self-confidence flourished, here I thrived. The shy, quiet, self-conscious girl who was so ruthlessly tormented at her previous school found herself standing up for others, and standing up for herself. The Alternative School was not perfect by any means and issues of bullying DID go on, but incidents were not swept under the rug and were dealt with by the administrator’s head on. Because of their actions, I have experienced a school environment that did not tolerate bullying on any level; I know from experience that such a place CAN exist. I also know how a school like this can heal a person’s soul.

Aunt T’s Story:

I have always had extraordinarily strong feelings about right vs. wrong. I am frustrated by injustice in this world and voice my opinion frequently. They are not always popular or well received, but I have always felt it is vital to not just sit back and watch someone be treated as inferior. To me, this is condoning the behavior/treatment.

Sometimes it is very hard to look someone in the face and ask them to not use a derogatory slur or questions their strong beliefs if they differ from my own. But I am confident enough in my beliefs that I usually don't let intimidation hold me back. The same cannot be said for all people I am friends with or even folks in my family. I would sit back and watch people laugh off comments that I know for a fact they do not believe or feel acceptable. I would question them later, inquiring as to why they didn't "correct" the person or verbally "defend" their beliefs? Without fail people would say; "What good would it do? It won't change their beliefs". While I understand why people feel this way, it is an unacceptable belief. It falls into the "If not now, when? If not me, who?" philosophy.

If I don't highlight right from wrong, I am NOT honoring my beliefs. If I don't fight to keep our children safe from the torture of bullies, who will? If I didn't help change peoples view, language and level of acceptance... I am condoning, therefore perpetuating, the prejudice. This crosses over into bridging the communication gap between school systems and families.

I do not believe our school systems are ambiguous. I believe most teachers and administrators care deeply about our children. Likewise I believe parents are acutely aware of their children's physical and mental well being. But so many people seem to get stuck on the accepted bullying wheel. Many beliefs and sayings are widely accepted by society; schools and homes are just microcosm of society. Bringing schools and families together to work through bullying issues changes society.

One child, one family, one school, changes society. That is why I am part of ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. Even one family helped, one mind changed, one school made more aware - profoundly impacts society. I stand up for what I believe in. I fight for what I feel is right not only for my own but for those who are unable or unwilling to do so for themselves. "Prejudice is learned. Teach acceptance" is my gospel. Aunt T~

Inspiration from Michigan City makes me thankful. (And wonder what the MEAN on their t-shirts mean? It's "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" Where does your inspiration come from? Would love to hear your story.

P.S.: The "MEAN" on their t-shirts stands for "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" (Moms are so "mean," and in this case, it's a good thing!)

President Obama's Message and a Reminder of How Many Kids We've Lost

OK, so Tangled Ball had a different expert in mind to feature today...but he IS the President...and it's very important that he added his voice to this subject. I hope that ALL kids feeling relentlessly "put down" and suffering will identify with this message.

Kids are bullied not only because they're gay (or perceived as gay), but also because they're "fat," or too thin, have disabilities, are too pretty, not good looking enough, have red hair, are new to a school, too promiscuous, too conservative, too rich, too poor, or just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

We can all do SOMETHING. When in doubt, as adults we can do simple things like say, "You don't deserve that!" And repeat and repeat and repeat. Our outrage and empathy will go a long way to blunt the long tail of pain that bullying causes.

We can't stop every incidence. We can stop kids from feeling that being treated that way is OK. We don't have to wait for experts to tell us that kids need us to constantly tell them that they are very cool... and kids who put other kids down are knuckleheads.

Just a reminder of why this has gotten the attention of the White House and how much it deserves our attention.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

John Halligan: Telling Ryan's Story to Save Kids from Bullying

John Halligan knows all too well what the parents of Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh and Phoebe Princes are going through now. And astoundingly that's just to name a few of the children that have recently taken their own lives after being bullied off and online. John was there almost seven years ago to the day when his 13 year-old son, Ryan, took his own life for the same tragic reasons.

That type of pain is incomprehensible. It is an understatement to say that John didn't want to become a bullying prevention expert. He had a great job at IBM and three wonderful kids. The harshness of other children's behavior helped take that away from him. But instead of retreating and becoming bitter, this dedicated father has travelled to hundreds, perhaps thousands, of middle and high schools around the country telling kids, teachers and parents Ryan's story.

John is an advocate for better legislation, awareness and compassion. When asked the following question a while back, this was John's hopeful message:

After travelling the country and speaking to thousands of kids, what reaction to Ryan's story are you most amazed or surprised by?

The responses are always overwhelming. I'm always so touched by seeing eyes well up with tears as I speak and look around the auditorium. And when I pause between sentences, the silence tells me they are truly taking this in. When it is over, I'm so heart warmed by students who come up and give me a hug. And what really surprises me is to receive e-mails months and years later from students who heard Ryan's story. Most tell me that Ryan's story changed their life for the better. Many confessed they were the bully and have since apologized to their victims and changed their behavior for the better. Understanding now how truly loved they are by family and friends, many students confide in me that they gained the courage and strength to get help for a friend or for themselves for suicidal feelings. This is why I keep telling Ryan's story.

John is obviously hitting a chord with kids. The letters to John say it best and as parents, we can learn from them:

I'm really sorry for what happened in my lifetime. I'm really sorry for what happened to your son and if I ever have any children, I'll use your advice because you really did know how to take care of children and always tried your best.

In honor of Ryan and the other important lives lost, start talking, start listening, start stepping in. Don't tolerate your children being mean off or online. Don't accept it from anyone else.

Who's tomorrow's Tangled Ball Award winner?
Hint: Some people are "Waiting for Superman," but I'm waiting for this...

First Tangled Ball Award Ever Goes To...Stan Davis!

Stan Davis deserves an award just for the title of his first book alone: Schools Where Everyone Belongs. Isn't that a beautiful concept? As a resource for schools, this book, co-authored with his daughter Julia, does not disappoint. It's hopeful and compassionate at the same time realistic and thoughtful. It gets to the heart of how kids really feel and not just how adults assume they feel.

Stan is a teacher, therapist, presenter/entertainer, researcher, activist and father. Although soft spoken, his International Bullying Prevention Association (IBPA) workshops are standing room only. His presentation is built on real research, experience in the classroom and a genuine respect for teachers and kids. (And, yes, there really is an international conference where everyone gets together to try and figure this darn thing out!)

His second book, Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention, is awesome, too. Everyone's a bystander in one way or another. If everyone was taught to step in, a lot less kids would feel alone in their pain.

And one more thing to check out: Youth Voice Project. Stan, along with another well-respected researcher, Dr. Charisse Nixon, had the brilliant idea of throwing out preconceived notions of what works and doesn't work in bullying prevention by asking kids themselves -- over 13,000 of them. Brilliant!! Check it out because the results are surprising.

In preparation for this post, Stan was kind enough to answer two questions:

What inspired you to devote your time and talents to bullying prevention?

My time in the Civil Rights movement taught me two things: positive change is possible, and it comes when people work together. If everyone is doing positive things, no one person has to do it all. Gandhi said "Everything you do will seem unimportant. But it is very important that you do it." I just retired from counseling children after 41 years; during that time I learned over and over that small acts of kindness make a big difference, especially when a school is a place where those acts of kindness come from many adults and peers.

What has been the most satisfying aspect of your work?

Seeing the Bean School where I worked for the last 18 years become a place where every student and every adult could count on support. Building a network of colleagues in this work who inspire and teach each other, including Denise Koebcke, school librarian in Indiana who involved a majority of her middle school students in helping others, Wayne Sakamoto, the School safety officer in southern California who gets members of different High School cliques and gangs talking with each other, Dee Lindenberger in Michigan and Michelle MacPherson in New Brunswick, Canada, who empower youth to help each other, Chuck Saufler in Maine who integrates bullying prevention and restorative justice, Stuart Green in New Jersey who organized a powerful statewide coalition for change, Celia Arriaga who has brought bullying prevention interventions to Latin America, and..... The list goes on.

I would also add the work Dr. Charisse Nixon and I are doing in surveying more than 13000 teens to bring their voices into this discussion.

Then I think of the abused child at my school who made all my and our work worthwhile by her summary of how she has become a strong, positive, kind person despite years of abuse and neglect. She said:"I bring the way school is home with me." I feel blessed to have been part of the work educators do in making schools places of healing, safety, and growth for all.

Standing ovations are hard to pull off online but you deserve one, Stan. Although, having met you several times, it's doubtful that you would consider that important.

Who's tomorrow's winner?
Hint: One thing that Stan and tomorrow's featured expert have in common: they're both fathers.

Emotional Weight of Bullying on Overweight Kids

Here's something to pay attention to for a variety of reasons. Kids who are overweight have long term emotional scars from the teasing, bullying and downright abuse of their peers.

That's a total bummer for kids with extra pounds. Physical AND mental health are at risk. It's also a total bummer for parents who worry about them.

Naturally, it's important for parents to take the reins and help their children with good nutrition and exercise. According to the Mayo Clinic: "Childhood obesity is particularly troubling because the extra pounds often start children on the path to health problems that were once confined to adults, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Childhood obesity can also lead to poor self-esteem and depression."

So speaking of self esteem and depression, what can be done about the put downs from peers?

No. 1: If you're a parent or any adult with kids in your life who are NOT overweight, don't allow them to call other kids Fat...or Tubby...or Blubber. Seriously, it's in the same category as saying "You're so gay." You may not think so, but just read the study and think again.

No. 2: If you're the parent of a child that's overweight, let this be motivation to you to start helping them with their health. It's hard, I know. Weight, like bullying, is complicated. It's a Tangled Ball. It's not just about restricting calories, it's about emotions which makes it one of the hardest parenting issues to handle. More often than not, there's a lot of frustrating baggage that makes it hard to help a child with a weight issue.

There's a site for teen girls who struggle with their weight called Fitsmi, as well as a companion separate site, Fitsmi for Moms. Fitsmi recognizes that girls need to have a safe place to be teens first. Girls with extra pounds have the same interests in fashion, boys, celebrities, and makeup as any girl (as well as sports, academics, etc., etc.). They just need a network of friends who know what it's like to be a plus size in a size 2 world. It's a place online where they're not judged and they can be honest. It's a source for good information, including tips on clothes and relationships as well as nutrition and exercise. (Boys should have their own site, too! But if you're a parent of a boy, advice on Fitsmi for Moms might still be helpful to you.)

Here's the key: no judging.

Nothing about this issue is simple, except this. Kids will bully kids who are overweight. (It's gotten out of hand. A child doesn't even have to be technically overweight to be teased by their peers.) When they do, they are stealing their childhood as well as risking their long term emotional health. It's our job as adults to stop it.

The Bully Project: Alex

Alex is one of the featured students in the upcoming feature-length documentary, The Bully Project. It's hard not to feel the pain of bullying after seeing this clip.

Plain and simple: Kids like Alex need someone -- anyone -- to step up. It's our job to teach our kids to step up. It's our job to step in.

Bullying: Demi Lovato is an UPSTANDER!

Demi Lovato hearts Kelly Clarkson, and Bill O'Reilly hearts Demi Lovato

(Click on link above and scroll to short 2nd video to see Demi's advice to kids about bullying.)

Good girl, Demi. You haven't backed down from your message. A couple of years ago when you were really young, you were public about the bullying you received. That must have been hard as a young teen to be so vocal about something that is so diminishing. But you didn't stop there and now that you're (almost) 18 -- Happy Birthday tomorrow, btw -- you're still getting the message out there. It's a brave and kind and very thoughtful way to use your celebrityhood.

Demi Lovato is an UPSTANDER!

Thanks, Demi, for encouraging adults and kids to step up and say "It's Not O.K." It's also good advice to" Tell someone"...and so for all those "someones" out there, including parents, teachers, peers, coaches, counselors, aunts, uncles, grandparents and any adult with a brain and a heart, Listen Up! Validate! Follow UP! Be Compassionate.

You may never know how much a difference you're making but know that being an upstander can change someone's life. And when you do something cool like helping someone who needs to feel ok about themselves, do something good for yourself. Pat yourself on the back, get a double latte and tell yourself you're a superhero even though no one can see your cape.

Kids with Asperger's More Likely to Be Bullied

According to keynote remarks by Kevin Jennings, director of Department of Education's Office of Safe and Drug Free Schools, at the CSEE Institute yesterday, kids with Asperger's Syndrome are six times more likely to be bullied in school. If you're a parent of a child with Asperger's, this is no surprise.

There is absolutely no reason to let this happen. Every administrator and every teacher should be trained in what to do to protect kids with disabilities. There are many programs out there. One simple step overlooked by many schools is a bullying prevention plan for lower grades so that as they progress in school it's the expectation that every child will be respected.

What about the lessons we're teaching at home? Are kids getting the message at home to be good to everyone, including and especially, kids with disabilities? Parents of children with Asperger's need support. When parents don't talk to their kids about how to treat others, we are the bystander who lets bullying happen. We are all somewhat responsible.

And if we do, what a beautiful and opposite result. We can also be responsible for providing joy in a child's life and peace for their parent.

Bullying: My Name is Alex...

Currently in production, The Bully Project is the first feature documentary film about bullying. Bullying numbers are big: over 5 million kids per year get bullied; over 160,000 per day don't go to school because they're afraid, more than half of the kids online say they have been harrassed.

But numbers are numbers. Here are some of the faces.

When problems are so big, so tangled, so insidious, it needs a powerful film to get people out of their comfort zones and create change. I know the kids featured in the film would appreciate your help, as well as the other 4.999 million kids who are suffering due to peer abuse. It doesn't make sense to let this continue.

Some of us feel like this problem is so big that we can't make a difference. Here's how each one of us can make a statement about helping kids and protecting their physical, mental and emotional well being. Go to IndieGoGo and donate: The Bully Project

Basic Lessons from Phoebe Prince Case and other Bullying Tragedies

The name of this blog is Tangled Ball because bullying is a tangled mess. EVERY incident is caused by multiple factors: the personalities of the kids involved; the method -- whether it's physical, verbal, mental, emotional, online or offline; the school climate; the involvement of parents; or the involvement of the principal, teachers and/or other adults.

Sometimes complicated problems can only be solved one string at a time.

Let's start with the last one: other adults.

First step: we need to cut each other some slack. Adults are not mind readers. It's tough to know what to do. Our culture is moving away from the concept that a village raises a child. What does that mean? Sometimes an adult feels like it's not their place to reach out to a child or teen that is not their own.

This blog post is giving you permission.

It's back to the basics because experts say that when an adult is interested in the welfare of a child, parent or not, it makes a big difference. (And we don't really need experts to tell us this because if we look back in our own childhoods, we know it's true.) So instead of looking at it as a negative, it's a positive. It doesn't hurt to ask a child or teen, "Is everything ok?" Simple as that. And then LISTEN. Just sit and listen. Show that you're listening by asking a follow up question. Don't be in a hurry. Don't have an opinion. Unless the opinion is, "You deserve to be treated well."

It's almost impossible to know the right thing to say. But that doesn't mean we can't care. It also doesn't mean that we can't help that child talk to the school counselor or someone who may have more of the answers, even the parents.

Kids should not feel alone. That's when all the pain becomes too dangerous.

So if anyone is reading this today, be on the lookout for kids who might need someone to ask the question, "Is everything ok?" We'll never regret caring.

Come On America, Untangle This Mess!

This blog on bullying is called Tangled Ball. Why? Because bullying is a messy, complicated problem. What's happening in South Hadley, Massachusetts right now is the clearest example of how the lives of our young, our families and our schools are being lost or diminished at the hands of unchecked mean behavior.

If you are a reader of the blog, you know that there are many good people doing many good things in the fields of bullying prevention and online safety. So, this is the question, why is the problem escalating?

It's time to combine efforts, identify real solutions and step up efforts to get these services, products and messages to every parent, child, home, school, media outlet, decision-maker, government agency, pediatrician and mental health professional.

It will take hundreds of solutions. And those that are not worried about protecting their territory, their approach, their product are the ones that will make the difference.

If you work in the field or have an interest in the tide of bullying turning, this is your chance to share your expertise, your opinion, your wish list, or your perspective on what is needed or what is already working to help untangle one string at a time.

Tangled Ball will do it's best to share these ideas and encourage change.

Your comments may mean the difference between life and death. Just look at South Hadley.

Bullying, Cyber Bullying. Where Do We Start?

The Phoebe Prince story still has me reeling. And unfortunately it's not the first suicide of a young teen that has had me perplexed, horrified and saddened. It's so preventable... but where do we start?



I have had two very good experiences in schools over the past week: one small Catholic elementary school and a fairly large public middle school. In the former, I gave a parenting workshop on bullying and online safety. My theory is that both have to be addressed at once. It's one world -- schoolyard to cell to home computer -- for kids. Although adults tend to think of being online and offline, it's one line for kids.

Treating peers well, therefore, is an option no matter where kids are at the moment. Notice I said, "treating peers WELL is an option." In my experience, if you make kids feel like a hero, they will rise to the occasion. Especially if you start early.

Bullying and cyber bullying are out of hand. Where do we start? Community by community until a national leader(s) steps up to create a thorough national campaign that makes treating others poorly very uncool.

That brings me to the second school. I was impressed. A young principal and his assistant principal and other interested professionals in the building became aware of cyber bullying. They pulled out all the stops. Sent numerous email blasts regarding to make parents aware, had a representative for the local district attorney's office come to speak to all 1500 of the students and then held a parents' meeting at night. Turnout was fairly low but that's not the point. They held it not knowing what the turn out would be. And they encouraged those who did come (in all fairness, a big snowstorm was coming) to get involved and HELP the school HELP the kids.

That's putting yourself out there. And that's what we need. Schools to be open and say, "Everyone under the tent. We're in this together."

It's no one's fault that there's a generation gap but it is our fault if we recognize the gap and don't try to close it.

As a first step, I ask all schools to do what this school did. Put it out there, start the (tangled) ball rolling. For schools that don't know where to begin, put together an objective (or as objective as humanly possible and be a parent) committee to start doing research for the school. The goals of the committee could be researching good resources, including speakers, free, age-appropriate, researched and downloadable product, thorough programs such as Olweus that involve the entire school community -- including parents, lunch ladies, teachers and coaches. Whatever fits the personality, mission, and budget of the school. Speaking of budget, a secondary goal of the committee could be to raise funds for high-quality programs.

Caution: The committee should act as an information gatherer not a complaint department for individual incidences.

Hosting events that train parents on research-based solutions would be a huge step in the right direction.

You catch my drift (the snowstorm made me say that). Start somewhere. Parents and witnesses/bystanders are a good place to start.

To help get you started, click on prior post: Helpful Links. Here are just a few that endorse wholeheartedly. If you want more, let me know.

And Congratulations to both schools. You're brave but you won't be sorry.