Bullying: Are Schools Entirely to Blame?

The last post was from the perspective of a parent.

It's also fair to look at things from the perspective of the school.

What I hear from many elementary school principals is that "bullying" has become such a talked about subject, parents and kids are confused by what it means.  I was told by one principal that after the school hosts an assembly about bullying, she gets barraged the next day by kids complaining that if another child bumps into them in the hall or looks at them the wrong way, they've been "bullied."

It's hard for schools to keep up and parents don't always make it easy.  Often parents don't admit to the role they play in making the problem worse.  Parents flying off the handle can do a lot of damage.  This is not to say that parents can't feel frustrated and protective but berating a teacher or school secretary isn't teaching the child anything.  Correction.  It is teaching them something.  Either 1.) they'll start to over react themselves and learn that screaming is communication or 2.) they'll never tell you again about a problem...and that's a serious issue.  Kids should not try to handle everything alone.  

Believe it or not, handling conflict is a teachable moment and children learn by example.  It's called leadership.

Schools are also fighting an uphill battle and our pop culture is the biggest challenge.  Kids are being exposed to so much meanness and violence in what they watch and hear outside of school that it's almost impossible for them not to bring some of those behaviors into school.

Are we in denial?  Even young kids are playing inappropriate video games, watching reality shows,  are allowed on Facebook and have smart phones before they've developed good judgement.  For some reason, companies are getting away with marketing irresponsibly to our children and as parents, we are afraid to say "no."

We can't depend on schools to raise our kids.  

Any thoughts on how we build better parent-school relationships? 

Bullying: Overreacting vs. Under Reacting

I've been trying not to share all the brutal bullying stories or at least, not to make it the focus of this blog because I don't think it goes anywhere.  Solutions, including encouraging leadership skills, is my main interest.  That being said, I had to share this story of the 13-year-old who was getting beaten up every day while another bully would take a video and post it online.  This child -- barely a teenager -- is in the hospital after trying to kill himself.

Yesterday, I read the story of a 22-year-old who jumped off a the George Washington Bridge in New York after writing a suicide note asking that her "frenemies" not be allowed to come to her funeral.  It seems that they were embroiled in an online fight and Ashley Riggitano ended up taking her own life.

What is happening here, people?  Are we becoming so desensitized that we no longer think this is a big deal?  For every extreme story that ends up in the news, there are thousands of kids and adults trying to survive this pain.  Are we at the point that we're shrugging our shoulders and saying this is bigger than us or are we willing to drill down and get involved?  Every single person can do something about this.  You don't have to be the parent of a child that is affected by cruel behavior to be outraged.

One of the problems is that there has been so much "bully" talk that schools and parents are getting mixed messages.   In his recent article, John Rosemond, syndicated columnist and parenting expert brings up a good point and one that I hear from schools, as well.  Some parents are overreacting and because they are in constant fear that their child will be bullied, they claim that every interaction is bullying.  (That's why I don't even like the term "bullying."  It's all just repeated mean or cruel behavior.) This is true but I fear that this minority will give schools a chance to under react.

A group of parents overreacting does not mean that there aren't real problems going on with other kids. Some parents are too vocal about perceived problems while others don't say anything because they don't know or they're afraid of being labeled themselves.  (How many times have you heard a child that is on the receiving end of mean behavior called "too sensitive" or a parent who is advocating for their child "overbearing?")

What's a parent to do?   No doubt there are "helicopter" parents but if you truly have an issue, where do you turn?

Parents going overboard is annoying.  Not paying attention to real situations whether they're on the walk home from school or online is a serious problem.   Every school staff member, including lunch monitors, and every parent should have some training.  Seriously.

The Most Amazing Teacher. The Most Amazing Leadership.

Since this has gotten over a million views, I'm sure many of you have seen the story of this teacher.  His  ability to teach a lesson in physics seems fabulous but his teaching by example is off the charts.

This is what leadership looks like so please share this with everyone you know.

Leadership is the anti-bully.  The more we can show kids what real strength is all about, we have a shot.

No other words needed.

When a Company Takes Leadership Seriously

As we begin 2013 with hope, it's ok to admit that the end of 2012 left the country, especially the Northeast, shaken.  The destruction of Sandy and the horror of Newtown, left a wake of uncertainty, a feeling of powerlessness, and a craving for leadership.

Sometimes, it's individual heroes that emerge and other times it's the leaders in the boardrooms who make the right decisions and offer the right direction to help us where they can.  

In response to these two separate tragedies, Scholastic stepped up.

Sandy Relief

Thanks to Scholastic, one million new books are being donated and delivered to affected schools who were in Sandy's path.  Although books are desperately needed in these communities, it is boilers, sheetrock, and basic equipment that need to be purchased first.  Dazed and strained, schools still need to do their job every day.  Education has to continue... but how do you encourage children to be lifelong readers and achievers if there aren't enough books?  Who is going to replace them when every dollar is already spoken for?  Enter Scholastic.  Books are on their way to these communities.  Sounds simple but as anyone knows who has worked on any type of relief effort, it's hard work to get to the point where trucks can be loaded up.

Unthinkable Connecticut Tragedy

How will we ever get our arms around what happened in Newtown?  Scholastic reacted quickly.  As a trusted source for teachers, Scholastic provided a steady hand and solid advice to teachers who had to walk back into their own schools to try to explain the inexplicable and to provide comfort to children and peers.  

President and CEO Dick Robinson's letter to teachers about Newtown is worth a read.  It's insightful and strikes me as a message of respect for their dedication and courage. 

Our hearts go out to the 20 families who lost their dear first-grade children. We mourn for the six adults — teachers, principal, and school psychologist — who gave their lives to protect their students at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Our shared grief is not enough, however, to honor their sacrifice. We ask our political leaders to take action against the presence of assault weapons so we can take at least one step toward ensuring a society where children and teachers are free to learn without concern of deadly attacks.  We also must work to mitigate the gun violence that affects some urban children on their way to school every single day. We count on teachers and public servants to shoulder the responsibility for our children’s safety, but we do not give them the support they need. Our society needs to increase the availability of school health resources, and to pass laws that will protect schools and children against gun violence.  

If you're a teacher or know one, you may also appreciate Scholastic's fantastic advice and resources, which I think would be helpful for any tragedy affecting the minds and hearts of school-aged children and everyone who works in schools.

The longer I live, the more I appreciate the value of leadership.  It comes in all forms and this time it came from a company who believes it has a responsibility to their customers because they're not just any customer.  They are the men and women who are leading our children in the classroom. 

Where Can You Buy a Refrigerator AND Get Help in Bullying Prevention? Sears.

Sears officially launched its Team Up to Stop Bullying campaign a few days ago.  This is a comprehensive effort to not only address the problem but to offer solutions.

The site is clever and offers resources for all key people:  students, families, educators and even a special section for cyberbullying victims.

I have to say that just three years ago when I started to devote the majority of my time to this issue, many people looked at me like I had two heads but over time, and perhaps due to the horrible bullycides that have plagued our country and our kids, more influential people are coming on board.

Enter Sears.  I was thrilled but curious about why this huge company decided to take on bullying.  Marie Newman, Managing Director of the Team Up to Stop Bullying campaign, talked to me the day after the effort officially launched:

"Sears has stepped up to create Team Up To Stop Bullying to address parents, kids, families and schools' need for bullying solutions. While there is an all-time high in awareness, it is important for parents, kids and educators to know there are many existing solutions that work. Those solutions can be found on our website via our 55 bullying solution coalition members. Find bullying solutions and information at sears.com/teamup."

What I really like about it is that it's inclusive.  There are many great experts out there doing good work but not enough people know about them.  Sears has created a one-stop shopping experience for anyone  -- child, parent or school -- who needs help to address their personal situation.  Bullying is a tangled ball -- complicated and messy -- and I thank Sears for stepping up and being willing to offer many solutions to one big problem.

Anderson: Bullying Prevention Expert on What Parents Can Do

Recently, the new Anderson show covered the topic of bullying, which featured bullying prevention expert, Dr. Dorothy Espelage. (By the way, Anderson Cooper went on to host a week of shows about bullying and prevention on AC360 a week later and that's why he should get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award.)

I'm sharing it again, here, because Dr. Espelage gives a tremendous amount of solid advice for parents in a very short period of time and it's worth watching and sharing. She talks about the school's responsibility but also how critical it is for the kids to come home to a safe environment -- one in which they can share what's happening without worry that we'll overreact or under react -- and one that can cushion them from some of the negative things they're experiencing. In other words, they need a sympathetic ear and reassurance that they're important and loved.

Tips from the interview include:

WHAT YOU CAN DO:

• Insist on a bully prevention plan or safety plan for your child
• Call parents of bullies or bully group and arrange a meeting, if you can
• Get your child involved in other activities to build confidence
• If you have the means, get your child in therapy


WHAT YOUR CHILD CAN DO:

• Get off of Formspring and other social networks
• Tell, tell, tell! Talk to parents, and your support network
• Keep record of all bully incidents
• Manage your anger
• Reach out to other kids in your school that are being bullied
• Do not let the bullies know that they got to you
• Role-play

When you listen to her interview, she also mentions that the school bullying policy should match what is really happening. In other words, it's not good enough for a school to say they have a policy if kids aren't being stopped from bullying kids with disabilities or the way they look, etc. It's a great point.

Come to think of it, Dr. Espelage should also get a Be the One Go-To Adult Award.

How To Make A Child Feel Better When They've Been Bullied

Notice that the headline doesn't say "How To Prevent A Child From Being Bullied." Because sometimes we can't. These things often happen in their worlds, not ours. Sometimes there's not a solution. Sometimes the only thing you can do is notice, listen, sympathize and make them their favorite meal. (And then try not to cry yourself to sleep.)

It is heart-wrenching when we don't have the answers and we may not ever know if just listening and "being there" did any good. Chances are though, that it does. You only have to look back at your own experience to know that it's true.

Bullying prevention expert Dr. Dorothy Espelage appeared on the show to share her thoughts on what to do for your child. It's good Be the One Go-To Adult advice. I sincerely hope you don't need it but in the event that you could use expert advice, here it is.

If You Were Bullied, Would You Tell?

A huge percentage of kids don't tell an adult when they're being bullied. Fox News' story, "Why Bully Victims Suffer In Silence" prompted me to repost an interview I did several months ago with a very wise teenager. Bottom line, for so many kids, telling an adult doesn't help. In fact, so many times it makes it worse.

If the main piece of advice we give kids is "tell an adult," then we better kick it into gear and start funding training from Pre-K and up.

This is what a very wise high school student told me several months ago:

Rashidat Encarnacion participated in last year's Family Online Safety Conference (FOSI). She was one of a group of Girl Scouts asked to be on a panel moderated by Marsali Hancock, President of iKeepSafe, a well-respected national online safety organization. The panel was a chance to hear about online safety issues from the perspective of teens. I was very impressed with the girls' comments, and in particular, with then 16 year-old Rashidat's sage advice.

Sometimes 'friends' on Facebook are not your friends. Know the difference and don't 'friend' anyone you can't trust.

Believe it or not, as fate (happily) would have it, I ran into Rashidat several months later. I asked her if she could explain why kids don't tell an adult when they've been bullied. This is what she said:

Well, I feel children do not tell their parents because they are afraid of the way their parents will react to the situation. Maybe the parents’ reaction to the situation can cause further bullying of the child. Personally, when I was bullied in school the bullying would cease for a little bit. Then it would become worse than before, because I decided to tell an adult. Not only that but we want to feel independent …so we don't want to tell our parents about what's going on, especially things that are hurting us. In other situations pertaining to bullying, it can seem like a sign of weakness when you tell an adult. I remember fellow classmates calling me a "tattle-tale" and not wanting to hang around me if I told a teacher about someone else or myself being bullied. That is also another reason - the child being bullied does not want to lose their friends. Therefore, they keep quiet and do not tell others when they are bullied.

There are numerous reasons why children do not want to talk with their parents about bullying. When children do approach an adult, the adults should not pressure the children. If the child feels that there is no reason to worry, they feel that their situation is under control. Maybe you should respect your child’s wishes and not make a big deal of the problem.

At the same time, do not take the issue lightly. No matter what, you are the parent and you have the right to intervene in your child’s problem when it is necessary.

Like it or not, these comments are real and represent one of the core issues. Kids should not be left alone in their misery but this will continue to happen until there are many more trained adults that kids can trust. States, such as New Jersey, are slowly waking up to the fact that bullying laws don't work if they don't require high quality training for schools.

Bullying Dissection

As a person who nearly fainted during a maternity ward tour --I wasn't even close to actually having the baby yet -- I have a lot of nerve making a medical analogy, but it's necessary.

Bullying has to be dissected and the tumors, one by one, need to be surgically removed.

SCALPEL!

First cut: Home.

The undeniable fact is that kids learn how to treat others by how they are treated by parents and siblings.

Second slice: School.

Every school, including everyone in the building, needs to be trained by reliable trainers and have a program that is consistent and constant.

Third incision: Money.

Schools need the money to do this. Where will it come from? Private donors, government, fundraisers? No matter what it is, money cannot stand in the way. Bullying and online safety programs should be mandatory.

Fourth cut: Media.

This is a tough one. Kids are absolutely positively surrounded by messages of hate and intolerance. Meanness is glorified. Who is going to start advocating for kids? Who is going to either take this stuff off, including the "reality" tv shows and/or which advertisers are going to put their foot down? (I know you have some meaningful initiatives, MTV, but it's a big fat mixed message. You have a half a dozen horrible "reality" series that show the worst side of humanity. Seriously, the M in MTV now stands for Mean.)

There is some serious triage needed and then some planning for the kids just starting out. Can we change the culture enough for the babies being born today to have a chance of having a fairly pain free childhood?

What Really Works When You're Trying to Stop a Bully?

A really cool survey just came out. Youth Voice Project is the first known large scale research project reaching out to kids to specifically pinpoint what strategies work and which ones make things worse when it comes to bullying. More than 11,000 teens in 25 schools have participated.

Kids were asked about the possible ways of handling bullying. If you were ever bullied, you might identify with the following choices:

• Hit Them or Fight Them

• Make Plans to Get Back at Them

• Tell the People to Stop

• Walk Away

• Pretend It Didn't Bother You

• Tell an Adult at School

• Make a Joke About It

• Remind Yourself that It's Not Your Fault

• Tell a Friend

• Tell an Adult at Home

Read Youth Voice Project and find out which one of these works and which don't. Fascinating.

Stan Davis, author of two great books, "Schools Where Everyone Belongs" and "Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention" is co-author of this study. After reading his first book, I thought there's hope to improve this situation. He's never shy about getting down to the misconceptions and telling you what it's really like in a school.

This study is rather brave. It's honest and gives incredibly helpful information. The take away for me is that adults need to know a lot more about handling bullying if we're going to be the ones that kids come to for guidance. Some of the things we've been doing or saying don't work. Plain and simple.

Just one example: after reading this and especially if you're a teacher, you'll never want to tell a child "not to tattle" again. The numbers don't lie. It backfires.

One Man's Fight -- School By School -- Against Bullying

John Halligan knows all too well what Phoebe Princes' parents are going through tonight. Phoebe was a 15 year-old freshman at South Hadley High School in Western Massachusetts. Authorities believe she took her own life after being bullied off and online. John was there six years ago when his 13 year-old son, Ryan, took his own life for the same tragic reasons.

The pain is incomprehensible.

It made me realize that taunts at school and online can bring down whole families. But instead of retreating and becoming bitter, this dedicated father has travelled to dozens, maybe hundreds, of elementary, middle and high schools around the country telling kids Ryan's story.

Recently, I asked John the following question:

After travelling the country and speaking to thousands of kids, what reaction to Ryan's story are you most amazed or surprised by?

The responses are always overwhelming. I'm always so touched by seeing eyes well up with tears as I speak and look around the auditorium. And when I pause between sentences, the silence tells me they are truly taking this in. When it is over, I'm so heart warmed by students who come up and give me a hug. And what really surprises me is to receive e-mails months and years later from students who heard Ryan's story. Most tell me that Ryan's story changed their life for the better. Many confessed they were the bully and have since apologized to their victims and changed their behavior for the better. Understanding now how truly loved they are by family and friends, many students confide in me that they gained the courage and strength to get help for a friend or for themselves for suicidal feelings. This is why I keep telling Ryan's story.

When I heard Phoebe's story, I immediately thought of John and his wife, Kelly, and Ryan's brother and sister. Their hearts must break every time they hear about another victim. They are certainly doing everything they can do to spread the word to stop this madness but they need more help. Obviously, the message didn't get to South Hadley.

This is happening way too often. We know that kids are basically good. The fact that John sees that when he visits each school is hopeful. What can each of us do to cover the towns, schools, communities that John can't?

Start talking. Start Listening. Start stepping in. Don't tolerate your children being mean off or online. Don't accept it from anyone else.

Do Kids Know What the Word "Bully" Means?

No. Not always.

Take for example, a recent trip I made to two seventh grade classes in a relatively small Catholic school. The mission was to conduct a survey on bullying. It was a set of 10 simple questions, including "Have you ever been bullied?" and "Have you ever seen other students bullied at school?"

Although I'm tallying the answers right now and it's extremely interesting, the most eye opening part was the short discussion BEFORE taking the survey. I asked them, "What IS bullying?"

Hands popped up.

"When you kick someone."
"When you take something of someone's."
"When you spread rumors."
"When you punch someone."
"When you gang up on someone."

What they didn't say:

"When you ignore someone, including not giving them eye contact."
"When you exclude someone."
"When you tease someone. Not in fun but to make fun of."
"When you gossip."
"When you whisper in front of them."
"When your text is mean."
"When you're mean online."
"When you say or do anything meant to hurt someone's feelings."
"When you use a few ways to make someone feel bad."

How often does this simple conversation happen? Kids don't often label the things they do as "bullying." It's "I was JUST teasing," "He got in my way," or "She's not my friend. Nobody likes her. I don't have to have her part of my group."

Being more specific can go a long way to helping the situation.

Maybe I'll experiment next time I give this survey. It would be interesting to give the survey without discussing what bullying is, then after collecting the survey, discuss what bullying means. Then give the survey again. I would venture to guess that the answers to some of the questions will be very different, including, "Have you ever bullied someone else?"

And I'll go a step further to say that most parents and most teachers don't know what it is, either. And I don't blame them. Things have changed. Especially with the online and texting component.

In a nutshell, bullying is mean, repeated behavior intended to make someone feel bad. It's ALL those things mentioned above and probably a few I left out.

When it's really bad, it's "peer to peer abuse." Plain and simple.

Not every school has the money or the time to bring in formal bullying prevention programs but encouraging this simple conversation between adult and child on what it means is an effective way to start the process. It's equally important to do this at home.

When the Teacher is the Bully...or When the Teacher's Behavior is NOT Acceptable

When I couldn't find any easy answers to the question, "What do parents and children do when the teacher is the bully?," I turned to someone I really respect in the field. Stan Davis, author of "Schools Where Everyone Belongs: Practical Strategies for Reducing Bullying" and "Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention" to get some advice.

Stan's response:

"I would reword the question: What if a teacher is saying and or doing things to your child that you find unacceptable?

As with childrens' verbal, physical, or relational aggression toward peers, the word "bullying" is so emotionally loaded that it can make dealing with the issue more difficult.

The first step is to keep an objective, factual record of behaviors, dates, places, and witnesses. When you have a record of what you see as unacceptable behaviors, I would suggest reviewing the list with a few friends who have good judgment to make sure you are not over-reacting to teaching behavior that is not pleasant but is acceptable.

As I see it, every student will have some teachers and some work supervisors who they do not like. At the mild end of that scale, learning to get along with a somewhat unpleasant teacher can be a good learning experience. As with peer aggression, there are behaviors that a student should be expected to deal with. There are behaviors that a student should try dealing with for a while and for which a parent or guardian should then intervene. There are teacher behaviors for which a parent or guardian should intervene right away.

When it comes time for parent or guardian intervention with unacceptable behavior, I would suggest deciding whether it will be useful to communicate with the teacher her or himself or whether the parent or guardian should go directly to the principal. This decision would be based on the behaviors in question, on the student's degree of concern about possible retaliation, and with the family's past experience with the teacher or other educator.

In either case, I would suggest bringing in the list of behaviors and asking that they stop. It will help to have a list of positives about the teacher as well if possible. If meeting with the teacher leads to resistance or to no change, it is time to meet with the principal. In this case I suggest that people document the earlier meeting and ask the principal if the behaviors described on the list are acceptable to her or him.

If the administrator finds the behaviors unacceptable, ask for a plan to change them or protect your child from them. If the administrator finds the behavior acceptable and you as a parent do not, the next step is to move up the chain of authority in the school system.

It is often best to begin approaching teachers and administrators in a calm and nonconfrontational way, assuming that they want to know that a set of actions is having a bad impact on your child.

Tangled Ball follow up question:

What does a parent tell a child when their teacher is acting poorly towards them or for that matter, to someone else in the class?

Stan's answer:

"As with peer bullying, there is negative behavior kids should learn to deal with (maybe a teacher is a little brusque but not insulting, maybe the teacher isn't encouraging kids as much as your child would like, maybe the teacher doesn't give as much positive feedback as another teacher) - but the teacher has other strengths. In these cases I think we could point out that all teachers are different and that this teacher does somethings very well......

There is negative behavior kids shouldn't learn to deal with: being insulted or seeing another insulted, being told they are stupid or lazy (or hearing another child called that), angry yelling, etc....

In that case I think kids should know that not all adults act in a way that you as a family think they should and that when you as a family believe something is wrong you have to take action to make things better- just as if we don't like what our government is doing we have to make things better. In neither case do we have to tell the child or teen that the teacher is a bad person, rather that we find some actions unacceptable."

This is a tough one and the only thing I'd add is to try to lessen the child's stress. A laugh, a bowl of ice cream, a little help with homework or whatever your child needs to help fill their soul after they get the stuffing knocked out of them a little bit. It's like having a bad boss. Eventually and hopefully you get promoted or the boss leaves or there is some divine intervention before you hit retirement age. Luckily for a kid, the school year is 9 months and if you can keep them feeling ok about themselves, you're a step ahead.

I hope Stan agrees because he walks the walk every day.

Net Cetera

Who said Twitter was silly? I just found this great resource recently published by the Federal Trade Commission on Parenting and Online Safety through Twitter.



If you're a school, you can order these in bulk FOR FREE.

Bravo FTC. The more quality materials the better.

And thank you to Sue Scheff who led me to this great info through Twitter. Sue is the author of the Google Bomb Book.

A Pat on the Back

Bravo to everyone in 2009 who did something big -- or small -- to help stop the heartache of bullying. The fact you cared could have saved a child or an adult years of unnecessary pain.

If you did any of the following, stop and give yourself a round of applause:

• Noticed a child's sadness and asked them about it. Then really listened.

• Didn't judge a friend when they confided in you about their child's issues with bullying.

• Acted outraged when you saw someone being mistreated and said, "That's horrible! You don't deserve that!"

• Taught your child to always "be nice to the new kid" or the "kid who's a little different."

• Spent a moment to tell your child that you're proud of them because they didn't join in when someone was being bullied.

• Watched a "reality" show with your kids and then when things got mean, said "That's not reality."

• Asked them to take you for a tour of their online world and reminded them that the golden rule applies there, too.

• Taught your kids and co-workers about the beauty of sometimes NOT hitting "Send."

• Paid attention to the kid that sometimes isn't paid attention to.

• Looked people in the eye and validated their feelings.

• Taught your child to stand up straight and look others in the eye.

• Encouraged your child to have a few different groups of friends.

• Made your child feel, whether they're at that lovable stage or not, they are loved and valued just by your expression when they walked in a room.

There are many more but you know what they are.

And thank you to the organizations who work on bullying issues every day, such as the International Bullying Prevention Association.

Let's really make good things happen in 2010. That means all of you out there with money, start spending it on public service and school campaigns that first and foremost educate and empower the bystander.