Raise your hand if you think we're experiencing a generation gap in this country. How many of you admit that your child (even your young child) knows more about navigating cyberspace than you do -- a lot more.
Our kids are throwing themselves headlong into this new neighborhood of technology while many of us are holding on to the comfort of the old country (and things are moving so fast that email could be considered an old-fashioned way to communicate!).
Although we're catching up, our kids have raced ahead.
We have two options on how we feel about this:
Door #1: total paralyzing fear
or
Door #2: acceptance and embracing it as a teachable moment for both you and your child or student
(If we're experiencing this at home, make no mistake, teachers are feeling the gap, too, and there are so many benefits to using technology in the classroom.)
If you can give in and choose Door #2, I have a great tip for you. Go to the newly-launched Platform for Good, created by the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI). The teacher's site, in particular, is awesome. It introduces a concept that I totally believe in: Make the Kids the Teachers. It's called Teach Teachers Tech (TTT).
This is a great idea because adults need the help and kids want to show us what they know. (In my pilot program -- Be the One -- older kids teach the younger ones about leadership and how to step up for one another. Kids are the experts in their own worlds.)
It's ok to give up a little control. It's ok that they're better than us at something. It doesn't mean that they don't still need us to help them navigate but we need to know where they're going first. It's also the best online safety tool. I always suggest that parents ask kids to take them for a tour of their online world. Be proud of them. It's the quickest way to get the inside scoop...and gain their trust.
There's a lot of good in the new neighborhood. We need to be familiar with all aspects and not just the negative ones. If we only focus on the dangers, we'll lose out on all it has to offer. And speaking of the dangers, if we understand the new neighborhood better, we are more skilled in steering them away from the dark alleys.
A final tip: Be a Good Student because that will make you a Better Parent and a Fantastic Teacher.
Eureka! The gap gets smaller.
In the words of A Platform for Good, this is your chance to Connect, Share and Do Good.
A huge percentage of kids don't tell an adult when they're being bullied. Fox News' story, "Why Bully Victims Suffer In Silence" prompted me to repost an interview I did several months ago with a very wise teenager. Bottom line, for so many kids, telling an adult doesn't help. In fact, so many times it makes it worse.
If the main piece of advice we give kids is "tell an adult," then we better kick it into gear and start funding training from Pre-K and up.
This is what a very wise high school student told me several months ago:
Rashidat Encarnacion participated in last year's Family Online Safety Conference (FOSI). She was one of a group of Girl Scouts asked to be on a panel moderated by Marsali Hancock, President of iKeepSafe, a well-respected national online safety organization. The panel was a chance to hear about online safety issues from the perspective of teens. I was very impressed with the girls' comments, and in particular, with then 16 year-old Rashidat's sage advice.
Sometimes 'friends' on Facebook are not your friends. Know the difference and don't 'friend' anyone you can't trust.
Believe it or not, as fate (happily) would have it, I ran into Rashidat several months later. I asked her if she could explain why kids don't tell an adult when they've been bullied. This is what she said:
Well, I feel children do not tell their parents because they are afraid of the way their parents will react to the situation. Maybe the parents’ reaction to the situation can cause further bullying of the child. Personally, when I was bullied in school the bullying would cease for a little bit. Then it would become worse than before, because I decided to tell an adult. Not only that but we want to feel independent …so we don't want to tell our parents about what's going on, especially things that are hurting us. In other situations pertaining to bullying, it can seem like a sign of weakness when you tell an adult. I remember fellow classmates calling me a "tattle-tale" and not wanting to hang around me if I told a teacher about someone else or myself being bullied. That is also another reason - the child being bullied does not want to lose their friends. Therefore, they keep quiet and do not tell others when they are bullied.
There are numerous reasons why children do not want to talk with their parents about bullying. When children do approach an adult, the adults should not pressure the children. If the child feels that there is no reason to worry, they feel that their situation is under control. Maybe you should respect your child’s wishes and not make a big deal of the problem.
At the same time, do not take the issue lightly. No matter what, you are the parent and you have the right to intervene in your child’s problem when it is necessary.
Like it or not, these comments are real and represent one of the core issues. Kids should not be left alone in their misery but this will continue to happen until there are many more trained adults that kids can trust. States, such as New Jersey, are slowly waking up to the fact that bullying laws don't work if they don't require high quality training for schools.
There are great experts doing fantastic work to help prevent bullying in schools.
But from what I see, home is where it's at. Most parents can't control everything that happens in school and not all schools are able to handle the many subtle and not so subtle bullying episodes.
So what can a parent do? I've read many studies and listened to many experts but the one piece of advice that is usually missing is perhaps the most simple.
First and foremost, explain to your child at an early age that he/she should never BE the bully. Most parents assume their child will never try to be mean but, whether we like it or not, there's a bit of human nature at play.
Even nice kids try to flex their muscles. Don't assume that your "little cupcake" will only be the victim.
And that goes for cyber bullying as well. When a child -- no matter what age -- is introduced to the computer, there needs to be firm rules on computer etiquette. If kids were told by parents that being mean online will have consequences and if parents followed through, things would improve. What kind of consequences? You pick it and it's whatever works for you.
Over the decades, kids have seemed to find a place to have a good time that was all their own. Their own world.
What we have now is a dilemma. Kids, I think, still need that space and for many it's being online. Where are the lines? Legitimately, the suicide of 15-year old Phoebe Prince has rattled many parents. Something went terribly wrong in that part of Phoebe's world.
In preparing for parent workshop at a local elementary school on Friday, I was thinking about concrete things we can do to give kids their space but to help stop bullying from overpowering their emotional health.
What I ended up with was a few simple suggestions... but I'm also left with a few questions.
The Contract...Know the Territory
• Start with a simple contract that sets the ground rules for all technology that can be posted next to the computer.
Up to grade 5
The younger ones might actually have fun going over it with you. It shows you're interested.
Grades 6-8
The older kids may roll their eyes, be embarrassed or maybe even a little mad. Do it anyway.
High School
High School is hard. Some type of contract or agreement is still necessary but you may want to handle it with care. Establishing rules about texting and online behavior becomes even more important but you don't want to treat them like babies. Even talking about Phoebe's story may illustrate how their safety and happiness is at the center of the need for some boundaries.
Side Benefits
Experts are great about saying, "Talk to your kids." What does that mean? It's hard to just randomly start talking about subjects that you're not exactly comfortable addressing. A contract gives you a reason and the words to open up the conversation -- and with your focus on the contract, you don't even have to give each other eye contact which can make these conversations more relaxed. It's a time to set consequences so it's clear that when the rule is broken, there will be a punishment. Just like any parenting issue, consistency is key.
If you're not familiar with what your kids are doing online, ask them to take you for a "tour." If that feels awkward, ask them to show you something on YouTube and then keep going. Make them feel like the expert not a criminal. For example, when the contract talks about "personal settings," and you're not sure what that is, ask your kids to show you. It's ok not to know as long as you're willing to learn.
Compliment them for being so smart online. If there's something you don't like, ask questions, don't just leap to being mad. The goal is for your kids to TELL you when someone bullies them or acts inappropriately. They definitely will NOT tell you if they think you'll be angry instead of sympathetic.
The overwhelming majority of kids DO NOT TELL A PARENT when they are harrassed online. That's a huge problem right there. By the time a parent finds out, the damage is done. Kids are trying to navigate the super highway of emotions online. It's isolating, debilitating and frightening. And the last thing you want is peers to parent peers only. Peer to peer advice is great in some instances but not always when it comes to the big stuff like their reputation.
Those are two suggestions that I'm going to throw out there on Friday. I'll keep you posted on whether they were well received or if they're realistic/useful in any way.
Now for the question. Why do we let our kids on Facebook or MySpace at such young ages? I know many are on even younger than 13, the supposed minimum age that Facebook or MySpace allows.
I know they feel left out if they're not on. I get that and fitting in is SO important. That's not sarcasm. It really is...BUT it's still a little risky. At the middle school age and into high school, friends are fickle. Things turn quickly. Egos are forming. According to the statistics, at least 3 out of 10 kids are cyber bullied. Even nice quiet kids "flex their muscles" online.
Could parents of classmates decide as a group to hold off on letting their kids have Facebook or MySpace pages? I'm just asking. Could the conversation be included in schools' open houses? Could information go home to parents of 6th, 7th, 8th graders?
It's easier if not everyone "is doing it." Just a thought. You may want to consider talking to your friends and your school. You know what they say..."Safety in numbers."
And after all is said and done, I still think it's important for kids to have their own space. Monitoring every little move seems unnatural but it needs to be balanced with enough involvement that they're not in the woods totally alone. When they get lost you need to know how to find them.
Susan S. Raisch is a marketing and public affairs consultant for companies, organizations, foundations and experts who address the issues of bullying and online safety, as well as other issues affecting the home and schools.
Susan has played a key role in the successful launch and rollout of many television and publishing public service programs and campaigns for companies such as Sesame Street, ABC, Court TV, and Scholastic, among many others.
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