Leader Nelson Mandela Was a Child Once

(AP Photo/Peter Dejong)

What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.” — Nelson Mandela  

Two small stories from two different locations caught my attention this week but they had one thing in common. They were about resilient two 7-year olds who didn't give in to meanness.  As we mourn the loss of Nelson Mandela, one of the greatest leaders of all time,   the stories of Christian and Gabbie gave me hope that resilience, kindness, loyalty and bravery didn't die, too.

Second grader Christian Bucks from York, Pennsylvania, noticed that some kids feel lonely at recess.  Although, just the mere mention of recess for most children brings on euphoria, for many others, it's not so fun.  When children don't have anyone to hang out with, or worse, if they are a target for mean behavior, it feels long and uncomfortable.

Christian's simple solution?  A buddy bench.  His 7-year old instincts told him that everyone needs a safe place.

The second story is about Gabbie, a young girl from Greenwood, Indiana, with a big heart and big challenges.  Gabbie suffers from a genetic disorder, neurofibromatosis, which causes tumors to grow on the nervous system and can lead to learning disabilities.  The disease can mimic autism and result in a degree of social awkwardness.  As she became older, Gabbie started to become aware that she wasn't included in social activities, including getting invited to parties. 

Heartbroken, Gabbie's mom made an online appeal through Monkee See-Monkee Do for people to send Gabbie cards.  What happened next gave me hope that there are many little leaders out there.  Gabbie received hundreds of cards from adults and kids cheering Gabbie on and making her feel loved.

It was a gift for both the receiver and the giver.  Encouraging children to step up for others is a tremendous lesson.  To all the parents who told their children this story and pulled out the paper, pens, glue and glitter to help them write a card to Gabbie, way to go.

Nelson Mandela was a child once.  

We have the chance to nurture great leaders.

"Sometime It Just Takes One."

For Jamey Rodemeyer's Sake, Listen

It was reported today that the kids that taunted Jamey Rodemeyer, calling him a f---t and telling him that he should kill himself got off with a slap on the wrist. This is a particularly disturbing case because the taunting and brutality didn't stop after the suicide. Jamey's sister was taunted even after her brother took his own life. The same kids that taunted him in life chanted at the Homecoming Dance -- when a Lady Gaga song came on -- and during the same weekend as Jamey's wake, "You're better off dead, we're glad you're dead."

This is not unique to the Buffalo area. Other families grappling with the suicide of a child due to bullying have experienced the same thing. That scares me. A lot. It's one thing for kids to not understand what their brutality does to another human being but it's exponentially worse when they still don't get it after a child hangs himself.

I once heard that young teens are wired for the "pack mentality," meaning they like to be in groups and what the group thinks and does rules. But to this degree?

Are we're losing it? Are we losing our outrage? Are we losing our ability to teach kids empathy? Because even if they do run in packs, this horrible outcome should have stopped them in their tracks.

This should be sending up a flare.

Jamey also said in a video shortly before he died that "I was always saying how bullied I am, but no one listens." If there is only one thing we can do as a result of this poor child suffering so deeply, we can listen.

Each one of us can listen. It should be without interruption. Turning off cell phones, TV, and all the other clutter and just listen. And if what that child is telling us is bad, we can be outraged for them. We can validate what they're going through...or just sit in interested silence.

And Jamey's Dad has this piece of advice for parents who are worried that their kids are being bullied, "Badger your kids and make them talk."

I think most of us have experienced the relief of having someone understand. Sometimes it was from someone you didn't expect.

Experts tell children to "tell a trusted adult" when they're having a problem with bullying. Listening is usually a sign that we can be trusted.

Michele Borba: Bullying Prevention and All Around Great Parenting Expert

How does Dr. Michele Borba do it all? She's an award-winning author of 23 parenting books, including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, international speaker, educational consultant, parenting expert as well as a child and adolescent expert and a regular contributor to the Today Show. That's in between being a guest on countless other national shows and the expert featured in multiple magazines.

Her Reality Check blog (oh, yeah, she blogs, too) is a fantastic resource. As a professional, mother and former teacher, her advice is practical, real and spot on. Bullying and cyber bullying are definitely on her radar screen and worthy of our attention.

Dr. Borba's tagline, Proven Solutions to Raise Strong Caring Kids, says it all. The word strong and caring are two traits that should be paired up more often.

This expert gets a Tangled Ball Award because she's the real deal. Smart but approachable and full of good things to say.

But back to the original question. Michele, how do you do it all?

Luckily, she was able to multi-task as she got ready for this morning's appearance on Today and answered two important questions for Tangled Ball:

Should parents wait until middle school to worry about bullying and cyber bullying?

While we know that bullying peaks during those middle school years, one of our biggest mistakes is waiting until then to have those "bullying" chats with our kids. Habits start early, so we need to start teaching bully prevention strategies far earlier. For instance, new research shows a commonality between bullies and victims .. both lack problem solving. We can start teaching problem solving in preschool: "Tell me the problem...okay, let's think of one thing you can do instead." If we want our children to be able to hold their own and be less likely to be bullied, we should stop rescuing, talking for them, or always solving their problems. Instead, we can teach them to use a firm voice and say, "Stop it. I don't like it." Or learn to hold their head up, look the person in the eye so their body appears stronger and more confident. We also need to help our kids develop empathy and impulse control. Skills are teachable. Our children need skills to be able to navigate a sometimes vicious social jungle. It's up to us to teach them those core skills. Doing so is a key first step to reducing the bullying problem.

How do we engage more people in the bullying prevention solution?

Knowledge is power. Knowledge mobilizes groups and makes the step up, roll up their sleeves and work on solutions. The first step to engaging people in the bullying prevention solution is through education. I've worked in dozens of communities where parents, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, ministers, the press, etc are working together. Start with holding book clubs and read one good book about bullying together. Ask the local newspaper to put in weekly articles about bullying and simple solutions. Bring in a good speaker about bullying to talk to your PTA. Ask the principal to put simple bully prevention tips in the school newsletter. Pediatricians and Boys and Girls Club directors can post tips in their office. The city librarian can set aside a display in the local library with books and resources that are available. Show folks that bullying can be prevented by giving them the resources. It will make a difference!

Agreed!

Bullying Lesson: PR Professional/Dad Stepping Up To Help Another "Average" Dad in Crisis

You’ve seen the story of James Jones and the infamous tirade on the Orlando school bus. Here’s another -- and inspiring -- part of the story.

There are three lessons to learn from this episode:

1.) Never flip out on a school bus. You might embarrass your child. You might embarrass yourself. You might end up in jail.

2.) If you do make a mistake, sincerely apologize.

3.) Never forget that there are good people in the world who, whether they’re asked to or not, step up.

It’s the third lesson that hasn’t been covered.

In the case of Mr. Jones, he found a friend in an Orlando public relations professional who was minding his own business until he saw the story first break on the local news.

As a father himself, Ryan Julison had to step in. He knows all too well the power of the media and wanted to volunteer his time to help Mr. Jones both protect his reputation and turn this potentially damaging situation around to help others in a similar position.

Most people don’t understand how time consuming it is to help someone through a crisis, especially when it involves the media. In this case, the crisis was caused by bullies on a bus who wouldn’t let James' daughter and a friend alone. Ryan knew that if Mr. Jones didn’t have the opportunity to use this as a teachable moment for the nation, than the young bullies won and a basically good father could be destroyed.

So Ryan stepped up and offered to help the Jones family and fortunately, James Jones has been able to speak on behalf of so many frustrated parents. Bullying is heart-wrenching and can push a parent to the brink. It inspires rage and often clouds our judgment.

It’s almost gratifying to see that Mr. Jones instantaneously had thousands of supportive fans on Facebook. It seems that an overwhelming number of people identify with his need to protect his child. With Ryan’s help, James is also helping the Pacer Center, a leading organization in bullying prevention and organizers of this month’s Bullying Prevention Awareness Month.

Thanks in part to Ryan, there is more dialogue and more empathy towards those parents up against a system that doesn’t listen to what kids are going through, whether it’s on a school bus, in a schoolyard or online.

Ryan Julison didn’t have to step up. He could have gone about his business and not donated his time in a bad economy. But he did. He’s by no means an expert in bullying prevention but simply a PR professional who doesn’t need a psychology degree to know the power of compassion.

When asked if he would do it all again, Ryan answered:

Without question, I would do it all over again. I feel I am the one who has truly benefitted from my relationship with the Jones family. I've seen the true love and admiration of a family leading a modest life filled with challenges. We could all learn something from them, not just about bullying, but life.

When Parents Are Pushed to Protect Their Bullied Young

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By now, almost everyone has seen this story. If you've ever had a child bullied, it's hard not to sympathize with Mr. James Jones. His lack of self restraint is hard to watch and not the way to handle things, but the raw emotion behind it is heartbreaking and understandable.

We've also heard his apology and plea to other parents to handle this situation differently. It reminded me of another bus story of a parent warrior. Darlene's a dental hygenist with two children. Her youngest daughter was repeatedly harassed in middle school. With a studious and quiet personality, her daughter found it impossible to stick up for herself. The school was notified multiple times for three years but it didn't stop...until Darlene took things in her own hands. A very risky move. On the way back from a school trip to an amusement park, she stood up in the bus, told the kids she knew they were bullying her daughter and to stop, and then asked them to show more kindness. That takes guts but I thought it was a bad idea.

What if the kids made things worse after Darlene's speech? What if they laughed at her? What if the other parents on the bus were not supportive? Mother and daughter were desperate. What's amazing is that 12 year-old Tricia encouraged her mom to stand up. She had gotten to the point that she didn't care what the other kids said. She had nothing to lose. What a sad statement in itself.

Darlene had a plan and she kept her cool (no unfortunate expletives)...and it worked. Would I ever do it? Not on your life. I'd be too afraid of the repercutions...but it just shows you how desperate and angry parents can feel and how they'll walk over hot coals for their kids. At the very least, she knew her daughter would know how much she cared and how she would risk negative consequences to stick up for her.

It can't get to this point. The kids on the bus in Orlando should have been stopped way before there was this type of problem. There are busses full of kids at this very moment that are out of control. Busses, playgrounds, hallways and cafeterias are the hot spots for bullying.

Here are some resources that offer solutions for these specific danger zones.

Peaceful Playgrounds

School Safety: Mentoring Program on the Bus

Olweus: School-wide, including classroom, cafeteria, playground

It's amazing how desperate a parent can feel when their child is demeaned. Amazing but not surprising.