The Pain of Bullying for Parents

If you're reading this and you're a parent who's child is being bullied, I have one thing to say to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you're feeling the pain of feeling your child's pain. It's true heartache.

I was recently talking to a mom who is going through the devastation of watching her daughter be excluded. She was wondering if "exclusion" can be considered bullying. The answer: Yes.

In this case, her child had been slowly excluded from a group of friends that seemed fine until they got to sixth grade. Then it started. Not making room at the lunch table. Making it hard for her to join a game at recess. Laughing when she made even the smallest mistake in class. Then it became too obvious to ignore. A bunch of kids were going out for pizza after school. They made the plan right in front of her, didn't invite her and told her it was because the most popular among them, didn't want her to go. And what made it the hardest is that it was her birthday.

As a mom in these situations, we can feel rage. It's so difficult to see our children hurt, especially when we can't fix it right away. The frustration is horrible. In so many cases, the parents of the children responsible actually, in some way, contribute to it. They're happy that their child is popular. And these are parents that you thought you knew. It's so tricky because handling it correctly is a slippery slope. Ugh!

This post is not about answers. (Although here's a link with suggestions.) It's about sympathy. If your stomach is in a knot and you're confused and hurt, you're not alone. The statistics are that over 5 million kids are bullied each year. That means potentially 10 million parents are watching their kids suffer. Of course, not every parent suffers with their children but the good ones do to some degree. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that parents have to step up and solve everything for their kids but they do need to stand by them. Sometimes an interested parent is all a child has in their life and it's not easy.

It's lonely. It's painful. But hang in there. Stay cool. Be that child's best friend. I applaud you for having the guts to walk next to your child in their time of need. Although I probably don't know you personally, I understand that it's one of the most difficult parts of parenting. Your child is worthy of being included. Never forget that it's not about your child. It's about another's need to have power. Don't let that person, even if they're only eleven years old, have power over you, too.

Right now it doesn't seem like there's any silver lining...but this is a chance to show your child that they will always be worthy in your eyes. What a gift.

Thanks to Those Who Care about Kids and Bullying

Thanks to all those who spend their time, money, and expertise to help kids have a lighthearted and bully-free childhood.

There are so many great experts doing good work. There are also great parents paying attention to raising compassionate kids. And to parents who also volunteer in schools, you're awesome. Parents can't do it alone and schools can't do it alone. When we work together we have a shot at preventing and/or blunting the long tail of pain that bullying creates.

Is there a one-size fits all solution? Absolutely not.

I really like the list at the top right when it comes to training, research and tools. There are many others which I'll continue to share in future posts but... who -- and what -- would you recommend?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and the readers of this blog are my favorite people. (Other than the ones I lugged around for 9 months. Oh, and of course the guy that's my friend and husband.) So thanks for your interest in pulling out one damn string at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving.

When Parents Are Pushed to Protect Their Bullied Young

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By now, almost everyone has seen this story. If you've ever had a child bullied, it's hard not to sympathize with Mr. James Jones. His lack of self restraint is hard to watch and not the way to handle things, but the raw emotion behind it is heartbreaking and understandable.

We've also heard his apology and plea to other parents to handle this situation differently. It reminded me of another bus story of a parent warrior. Darlene's a dental hygenist with two children. Her youngest daughter was repeatedly harassed in middle school. With a studious and quiet personality, her daughter found it impossible to stick up for herself. The school was notified multiple times for three years but it didn't stop...until Darlene took things in her own hands. A very risky move. On the way back from a school trip to an amusement park, she stood up in the bus, told the kids she knew they were bullying her daughter and to stop, and then asked them to show more kindness. That takes guts but I thought it was a bad idea.

What if the kids made things worse after Darlene's speech? What if they laughed at her? What if the other parents on the bus were not supportive? Mother and daughter were desperate. What's amazing is that 12 year-old Tricia encouraged her mom to stand up. She had gotten to the point that she didn't care what the other kids said. She had nothing to lose. What a sad statement in itself.

Darlene had a plan and she kept her cool (no unfortunate expletives)...and it worked. Would I ever do it? Not on your life. I'd be too afraid of the repercutions...but it just shows you how desperate and angry parents can feel and how they'll walk over hot coals for their kids. At the very least, she knew her daughter would know how much she cared and how she would risk negative consequences to stick up for her.

It can't get to this point. The kids on the bus in Orlando should have been stopped way before there was this type of problem. There are busses full of kids at this very moment that are out of control. Busses, playgrounds, hallways and cafeterias are the hot spots for bullying.

Here are some resources that offer solutions for these specific danger zones.

Peaceful Playgrounds

School Safety: Mentoring Program on the Bus

Olweus: School-wide, including classroom, cafeteria, playground

It's amazing how desperate a parent can feel when their child is demeaned. Amazing but not surprising.

Preventing Bullying on a Budget

Since most every school has a bullying problem, why doesn't every school have a prevention program?

Denial on the part of administrators, lack of interest by parents, teacher cooperation and money are some of the top reasons but none of them are good enough.

As for parents, a few parents can make a big difference. If you're reading this, it's clear that you're interested. Find a few other parents who feel the same way. Research activities.

Many teachers have compassion and understand that students do better work when they feel respected and the general atmosphere is nurturing. Unfortunately, some teachers don't. As a matter of fact, some teachers add to the problem. It's just a fact. But engage the teachers who "get it." You can't change the school 100% but you can change the balance.

If money is a problem (and it almost always is), get creative.

Consider a "Leadership Program" to focus on the importance of the bystander and empower them to step up. Older kids can mentor younger kids. I started one of these programs in a school recently. There are many good children's books about the right way to treat each other. Two of these are "Have You Filled A Bucket Today?" and "One." When the older kids read these with the younger kids, the message is delivered to both. "Have You Filled a Bucket Today? has a wide variety of activities that can be downloaded for free.

Of course, not one of these ideas is the magic bullet. But they are a way of starting TODAY. To be successful, bullying prevention programs have to include everyone: administrators, teachers, parents, students, coaches, and even lunch monitors and it has to be consistent and constant. It's overwhelming but starting small and doing things that include as many as possible is much better than doing nothing. Programs like Olweus are the preferred way to go: it includes training and is sustainable. But if you can't find the money or you can't get the teachers to jump on board, don't let it stop you.

Every child deserves to be protected and supported. Don't let excuses get in the way.

Tomorrow, I'll post some links to free resources for online safety. Bullying doesn't end in the schoolyard anymore.

Bullying Survey: Good but NOT the Whole Story

Click on AP Story to Read. It's short.
It's been a big week in the world of bullying prevention. A new national study,"Trends in Childhood Violence and Abuse Exposure" was released. A headline from an Associated Press story declares,

U.S. Survey Finds Sharp Drop in Children's Bullying

Not to be presumptuous, but I'd like to do a little editing:

U.S. Survey Finds a Sharp Drop in Children'sPhysical Bullying

That's good news in itself and programs, such as Olweus, should feel very encouraged and proud that programs such as theirs are making an impact. This survey is validation to keep up the good work and to continue funding critical programs that make children feel safer at school and thus perform better. According to the story:

The study, funded by the U.S. Department of Justice, found that the percentage of children who reported being physically bullied over the past year had declined from nearly 22 percent in 2003 to under 15 percent in 2008. The percentage reporting they'd been assaulted by other youths, including their siblings, dropped from 45 percent to 38.4 percent.

BUT...
The term bullying has come to mean more than physical bullying. The headline is dangerously misleading. I want to celebrate with the rest of the bullying prevention advocates but I was a little unnerved by the broad classification of bullying. I have a sense that physical bullying may be on the decline but other forms are not: cyberbullying, including texting and misuse of social networks, and mental abuse including ostracizing and teasing. Also, I'm wondering if kids with conditions, such as Asperger's, are finding that physical bullying is on the decline -- or on the rise. The same question applies to gay teens.

The simple act of adding the word "Physical" to the headline is really important for a few reasons:

• AP stories reach the general public and the general public is a little behind the curve in understanding bullying. It's not "Sid" in Toy Story anymore. It's kids finding new and more efficient ways to belittle their peers.

• Adults may start to dismiss the issue of bullying, assuming it is being taken care of. Marlene Snyder of Clemson was so correct when she said that we can't let up on this effort. Every year, new teachers have to be trained. It's not solved, it's showing signs of promise.

• 15% of kids reporting that they've been somehow physically assaulted is still a lot of kids.

• Bullying is too general a term and kids who are experiencing emotional pain at the hands of peers aren't necessarily thinking this is a problem that is going away anytime soon. They don't know what to call it but it hurts.

• AP is everywhere. Leaving out a critical word in a headline has ramifications forever. We need to draw more decision makers into this issue and it would be tragic if reading this headline somehow diminishes the breadth of the problem.

But here comes another BUT...

If this survey inspires good, smart, devoted people to keep at it because there are tangible results then there is much good that comes out of the attention.

Show this to all the headline writers you know.