Seriously, We Have to Get Young Kids Off Facebook...

Common Sense Media came up with a great list of Facebook alternatives. A growing problem for parents is how to say "No" to Facebook but "Yes" to social media. We have to get together on this, parents. Safety in numbers.

To repeat: The minimum age for Facebook is 13 but many parents are letting their children lie about their age and create Facebook pages. (Personally, I think 13 is still too young but check out my post from last week -- no need to bore you, especially since if you're reading this, you probably already agree.) Parents are being nagged to the point they'll give in. It's the old "But Everybody's On Facebook." And if we don't stop it soon, it will be completely true.

Next step is to think about solutions.

Will the alternatives be enough to get kids off Facebook? My super duper consultant, Catherine V. agreed to look at each one and weigh in. A popular and smart but empathetic 13-year old, Catherine knows what will fly and what won't. She hasn't let me down yet.

Catherine V. went through each site from the Common Sense list and told me whether girls and boys would use it (as opposed to only girls or only boys) and what ages she thinks they would appeal to. Here's what she has to say. This is important because to be a social network, it actually has to be social.

Take it away, Catherine:

My Secret Circle: Young girls ages 8 to 11

Yoursphere: Young boys and girls ages 9 to 12

FaceChipz: Young boys and girls ages 10 to 12

JitterFingers: Girls ages 11 to 12

Glogster: Girls ages 13 to 14

Posterous: Boys and girls ages 13 to 15

YourCause: Boys and girls ages 13 to 15

Ning: Boys and girls ages 14 to 16

think.mtv: Boys and girls ages 14 to 18

Blerp: Boys and girls ages 15 to 18

"My favorite website was think.mtv because it was a website that teenage boys and girls could use, and MTV is already a known name. Since it is a known name, it would catch on faster, and it is basically the same as any other social networking site. Personally, I would use this website, and I think many of my friends would. It is also a "trendy" website and up-to-date with this generation.

The worst website was My Secret Circle. It's not that it's bad, it's just I don't think I or any or my friends would ever use it at this age. It's more of a childrens website, and I think it's actually a great website, just for a much younger age."

You may want to take a few minutes and check these out yourself. If there's one you like more than another, talk to the other parents in the class. Get everyone involved in a social network that will provide privacy, fun and low risk for Cyber bullying. But remember, the best antidote to cyber bullying is to first and foremost talk to your kids about your own house rules on how to treat others. Tell them to expect the same from their friends. They won't get this by osmosis. You actually have to make a point of it.

Thanks Catherine V. for doing some of the work for parents!

Follow up on GMA Story

Not So Kid-Friendly Web Sites

Think about this. It's CRAZY young kids on NICK.com (often 10 and under) can link to REALLY inappropriate games on AddictingGames.com (owned by Nickelodeon's parent company?!).

To be fair, I don't want to pick on NICK but it's a good example. Although there's a warning that you're leaving the Nickelodeon site, it disappears in 5 seconds. Secondly, there's a "bomb" icon that comes up when a game appears that's not appropriate. But if a child is linking and the parent THINKS they're on the NICK site, it doesn't help.

It's a new "parenting screen issue." What's that you ask? I made it up, but it's when you assume you're safe letting your child watch anything or interact with anything on a screen that you think is totally fine, like a football game on tv. Then the most bizarre and violent promo comes up for one of the lame network shows that you wouldn't let your child near. But the network took that decision from you and showed them :30 of it anyway. And since it happened so fast, you're racing to find the right button on the remote or your leaping over furniture to turn off the tv. But it's too late because they've already seen it and they're a little freaked out watching their parent overreact.

Now "linking" is doing the same thing. And when they're under 10 you don't want them to grow up too fast but you do want them to develop good judgment. So let them know about "leaving sites and entering a new site" and talk about all the tricks that Web sites have. Maybe even have a laugh and tell them how they're already more mature than the so called "adults" that produce tv shows or create vile links.

And keep talking so they talk back (in a good way) and tell you things, like when they stumble over something that they're embarrassed about or if someone says something bad to them online. They'll know you have respect for their judgment and empathy for them because it's not their fault.

They're 10 and under. They deserve to be kids.

Eye Contact

Can we discuss one of the most insidious of all bullying tactics? Not giving eye contact. Yep. If you've ever been on the receiving end, you know what I mean. It's a message that you're not worthy. And when done as a group, watch out. You can end up in the fetal position.

It's a tactic not only used by middle and high school girls but by many passive aggressive adults. I've personally used it and it works. But I didn't feel good about it and I'm not doing it again.

It's a great weapon because the perpetrator can get away with it. It's subtle but effective.

I've decided to call people out on it. Why not? And, it's possible to do that without lowering yourself. Most bullying can be stopped with just a few words.

Next time someone doesn't give me eye contact intentionally, I'm going to try to get their eye and say, "Is everything ok?" And if they ask why I ask that, I'm going to reply, "Because you're not looking at me and you seem tense." At the very least it makes them think that they're not as subtle as they thought they were. They'll have to find some other means to make me feel small.

But for kids it's different. A lot harder. I think adults should be aware of the kind of hurt it causes and at least step in with awareness and sympathy.

But that might not be enough. Anyone out there have advice?

Not So Easy for Young Bystanders

Many bullying experts believe that empowering bystanders to step in is the key to improving bullying situations. This makes great sense but it's still very complicated and not a "one size fits all" or "one size fits all ages" answer.

Just as the "gang mentality" of bullies works for them, enlisting the support of all students in a school to step in seems like an effective way to go. Basically, you educate a "gang of supporters." Kids, rightfully so, feel intimidated and ill equipped to step in to certain situations on their own. If whole classrooms are taught how to recognize bullying and given easy tools like simple things to say and ways to intervene, kids might not feel so nervous about doing the right thing.

Last week, I had an experience where a group of socially popular adults were bad mouthing others that weren't there to defend themselves. I was very uncomfortable and felt like if I said something, they would laugh at me or start talking about me when I left the room (which was very shortly after). Sound like middle school? It felt like middle school, and after all the research I've done on the issue of bullying, I still wonder why I didn't step in. It really made me empathize with kids faced with these tricky situations.

Here's an article from GreatSchools which helps focus on this debate and gives a few tips to parents.

What do you think? Any tips for kids? (Just go to the right and click "Not So Easy for Young Bystanders" under "Blog Archive." Simply scroll down a bit and leave a comment. All feedback and suggestions are important.)