The Real HELP: Facing History's Lessons on the Civil Rights Movement

I just finished The Help and loved it. It brought me back to my childhood and made me think about Nina. Although we lived in the north, we were a white family with a black maid. I understood how Skeeter felt about Constantine. Nina was warm, kind, had a great sense of humor and since she lived with us until I was 11, was a major part of my upbringing.

And by saying I "loved" the book, I mean that it resonated with me and made me think. It also made me want to wake up Nina because I have my own questions. Did she have a family? Children? Sisters? Brothers? Did she ever feel disrespected by us? (I know she must have felt exhausted because I'm one of eight kids.) It made me want to go back in time and although I was young, it made me want to make everything alright for Nina. It made me want to be an upstander.

This summer I was privileged to be invited to sit in on a workshop hosted by Facing History and Ourselves. It was a training session for teachers who are interested in teaching their middle and high school students about the Civil Rights Movement. Facing History creates curriculum that goes well beyond dates, places and names. It skillfully analyzes why, how, and could this happen again?

As a young child, I didn't truly understand that racism was a such a deeply ingrained system of bullying. Why not teach how deep it ran, how helpless it seemed, how hard it was to start somewhere and fight the tide of oppression? Facing History's lessons about that era untangles the collective problem and makes it personal. That's skill. Through news clips and newspaper articles, letters and a host of other sources, you felt the pain, the sting of being black in a generally mean white society.

You also felt the triumph and the bravery of the original leaders of the Civil Rights Movement, including Charles Hamilton Houston.

If you want to know more about his intellect, leadership qualities and heroism, do a little research. That's what sitting in on this class did for me...and what it probably does for middle and high school kids who need to take history personally so we never forget, not just as citizens but as humans who have choices every day on how to treat others.

Once again, Facing History you hit it out of the park. Both The Help and Facing History made me reflect on all that Nina had done for my family. Although she felt like family, I had a shocking thought sitting in the middle of that workshop. I didn't know Nina's last name.

Is Television Making Us Bullies?

There is one big factor in the bullying conversation that hasn't made it's way into all the media attention. It's the media.

I like reality shows as much as the next shallow person but there's SO much of it! I actually heard Bobby Flay call a weeping young chef out on a food challenge show, telling her that her cupcakes were crumbly and this is the FOOD Network, not the FUN Network. I thought food was supposed to be fun.

(I don't want to necessarily pick on The Food Network because I had hours of joy watching it with my beloved mother-in-law during the last year of her life, but I think she would even say that some of the shows have gotten a little too mean-spirited. God save the poor chef who doesn't know what to do with the secret ingredient!)

But food competitions are the least of it. Just turn on Bravo or MTV and hold on to your seats. All fun and games until you realize that kids are watching the same shows: Jersey Shore, The Housewives of Everywhere, etc., etc. Screaming, cursing, hitting, stomping, blasting, blood vessels popping and manic texting.

This is what concerns me. We can deliver great school programs to help combat peer to peer cruelty from elementary school on up, but what is really influencing our kids and our culture? How do we stop this deluge of mean?

And as a side note, some of these programmers are getting in on the bullying prevention band wagon, but is that a good idea, either? Here's author and expert Rosalind Wiseman's blog post about the rather odd partnership with the NEA (National Education Association), the Creative Coalition and the WWE.

I'd really welcome your thoughts.

Alex from The Bully Project: "Some Kids Get Enjoyment from Seeing Other Kids Hurt."

If you saw Alex Perry in the school hallway, you might not guess that this is what she was thinking.

There are many kids like Alex in schools. We just have to see them, step up and not let other "kids get enjoyment from seeing other kids hurt."

It doesn't matter whether it's a teacher, coach, counselor, peer, or parent. You don't need a degree to help. You just need compassion and a willingness to step up. Or in other words, be an "upstander."

Kids with special needs are more likely to get bullied. That doesn't say much for our society. If you are a parent of a child with special needs, a good resource is Smart Kids with LD. It has good information on how to help your child interact with peers which increases the chances of a positive school experience.

The "Alex" clip is from The Bully Project, the first feature length documentary about peer to peer abuse. If you want to donate to The Bully Project, IndieGoGo makes it easy.

Compassion: The Anti-Bully

The horror in Haiti is unreal. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. The compassion we feel for every one suffering is palpable.

Compassion.

At the very least, perhaps this is a teachable moment to pass along to our children. To honor all those in Haiti, perhaps we can be more compassionate toward our peers.

A friend of mine seized the moment when her sons, ages 9 and 11, asked what could be done for the people of Haiti. They decided to ask for pledges for "silence." In return for a small donation, they are going to sit in silence for an hour this coming Saturday. Brilliant.

Building on that teachable moment, we can encourage our kids to be silent instead of saying something to a classmate that might be hurtful. In a small way, it may help teach compassion.

Gossip Girls and Boys Get Lessons In Empathy, a New York Times article from last April made me think of all the simple ways we can teach kids empathy. Not expensive but the most valuable.

For all those involved in helping the people of Haiti, thank you. It's humbling.

When the Teacher is the Bully...or When the Teacher's Behavior is NOT Acceptable

When I couldn't find any easy answers to the question, "What do parents and children do when the teacher is the bully?," I turned to someone I really respect in the field. Stan Davis, author of "Schools Where Everyone Belongs: Practical Strategies for Reducing Bullying" and "Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention" to get some advice.

Stan's response:

"I would reword the question: What if a teacher is saying and or doing things to your child that you find unacceptable?

As with childrens' verbal, physical, or relational aggression toward peers, the word "bullying" is so emotionally loaded that it can make dealing with the issue more difficult.

The first step is to keep an objective, factual record of behaviors, dates, places, and witnesses. When you have a record of what you see as unacceptable behaviors, I would suggest reviewing the list with a few friends who have good judgment to make sure you are not over-reacting to teaching behavior that is not pleasant but is acceptable.

As I see it, every student will have some teachers and some work supervisors who they do not like. At the mild end of that scale, learning to get along with a somewhat unpleasant teacher can be a good learning experience. As with peer aggression, there are behaviors that a student should be expected to deal with. There are behaviors that a student should try dealing with for a while and for which a parent or guardian should then intervene. There are teacher behaviors for which a parent or guardian should intervene right away.

When it comes time for parent or guardian intervention with unacceptable behavior, I would suggest deciding whether it will be useful to communicate with the teacher her or himself or whether the parent or guardian should go directly to the principal. This decision would be based on the behaviors in question, on the student's degree of concern about possible retaliation, and with the family's past experience with the teacher or other educator.

In either case, I would suggest bringing in the list of behaviors and asking that they stop. It will help to have a list of positives about the teacher as well if possible. If meeting with the teacher leads to resistance or to no change, it is time to meet with the principal. In this case I suggest that people document the earlier meeting and ask the principal if the behaviors described on the list are acceptable to her or him.

If the administrator finds the behaviors unacceptable, ask for a plan to change them or protect your child from them. If the administrator finds the behavior acceptable and you as a parent do not, the next step is to move up the chain of authority in the school system.

It is often best to begin approaching teachers and administrators in a calm and nonconfrontational way, assuming that they want to know that a set of actions is having a bad impact on your child.

Tangled Ball follow up question:

What does a parent tell a child when their teacher is acting poorly towards them or for that matter, to someone else in the class?

Stan's answer:

"As with peer bullying, there is negative behavior kids should learn to deal with (maybe a teacher is a little brusque but not insulting, maybe the teacher isn't encouraging kids as much as your child would like, maybe the teacher doesn't give as much positive feedback as another teacher) - but the teacher has other strengths. In these cases I think we could point out that all teachers are different and that this teacher does somethings very well......

There is negative behavior kids shouldn't learn to deal with: being insulted or seeing another insulted, being told they are stupid or lazy (or hearing another child called that), angry yelling, etc....

In that case I think kids should know that not all adults act in a way that you as a family think they should and that when you as a family believe something is wrong you have to take action to make things better- just as if we don't like what our government is doing we have to make things better. In neither case do we have to tell the child or teen that the teacher is a bad person, rather that we find some actions unacceptable."

This is a tough one and the only thing I'd add is to try to lessen the child's stress. A laugh, a bowl of ice cream, a little help with homework or whatever your child needs to help fill their soul after they get the stuffing knocked out of them a little bit. It's like having a bad boss. Eventually and hopefully you get promoted or the boss leaves or there is some divine intervention before you hit retirement age. Luckily for a kid, the school year is 9 months and if you can keep them feeling ok about themselves, you're a step ahead.

I hope Stan agrees because he walks the walk every day.

A Pat on the Back

Bravo to everyone in 2009 who did something big -- or small -- to help stop the heartache of bullying. The fact you cared could have saved a child or an adult years of unnecessary pain.

If you did any of the following, stop and give yourself a round of applause:

• Noticed a child's sadness and asked them about it. Then really listened.

• Didn't judge a friend when they confided in you about their child's issues with bullying.

• Acted outraged when you saw someone being mistreated and said, "That's horrible! You don't deserve that!"

• Taught your child to always "be nice to the new kid" or the "kid who's a little different."

• Spent a moment to tell your child that you're proud of them because they didn't join in when someone was being bullied.

• Watched a "reality" show with your kids and then when things got mean, said "That's not reality."

• Asked them to take you for a tour of their online world and reminded them that the golden rule applies there, too.

• Taught your kids and co-workers about the beauty of sometimes NOT hitting "Send."

• Paid attention to the kid that sometimes isn't paid attention to.

• Looked people in the eye and validated their feelings.

• Taught your child to stand up straight and look others in the eye.

• Encouraged your child to have a few different groups of friends.

• Made your child feel, whether they're at that lovable stage or not, they are loved and valued just by your expression when they walked in a room.

There are many more but you know what they are.

And thank you to the organizations who work on bullying issues every day, such as the International Bullying Prevention Association.

Let's really make good things happen in 2010. That means all of you out there with money, start spending it on public service and school campaigns that first and foremost educate and empower the bystander.

Hearing a Message as Powerful as Her Voice

I just read a short celebrity type blurb about Susan Boyle and how bullying affected her life. Of course, it came as no surprise. People were still rolling their eyes at her when they saw her step on the stage before her dynamic performance.

I hear the same story over and over again. When people ask me what I do and I mention my interest in bullying, you can't believe the number of adults who blurt out their story and the pain, not matter the age, is apparent.

Many feel bullying is a "rite of passage." I'm pretty open-minded and perhaps there's some truth to that, but when you see the pain linger for years, the "passage" part never happened.

Why not? I'm sure there's a mix of reasons (once again, a Tangled Ball). It could be personality or other life circumstances or perhaps the fact that no one stepped in, either to stop it or to empathize.

And now with cyber-bullying, watch out! It's only worse. More embarrassing and impossible to escape. Can you imagine if you're a kid who's being mistreated at school and you just can't wait to get home to escape -- but then it starts online? You have no where to go.

Linda Sanford, author of Strong at the Broken Places, was the keynote speaker at the International Bullying Prevention Conference in Pittsburgh several weeks ago. One of her many skillfully delivered messages was that one person can make such a difference in the emotional life of another person going through trauma. According to Sanford, "it doesn't have to be someone who is there all the time." Just someone who supports with words, or gestures, or kindnesses and respect.

Which means we all have the potential of impacting the life of a person of any age who, because of our basic interest in them, may grow to be healthier and happier. I find this hopeful which is perhaps why this conference was titled, Hope.

Just seeing, caring and showing a little outrage -- "You don't deserve that!"-- can go a long way to diminish the long term heartache.

P.S. If you have 5 min. watch Britain's Got Talent video again. Wouldn't it be great to interview those audience members who were dramatically rolling their eyeballs? You never know when 80 million people will end up seeing you look like an insensitive boob.

Eye Contact

Can we discuss one of the most insidious of all bullying tactics? Not giving eye contact. Yep. If you've ever been on the receiving end, you know what I mean. It's a message that you're not worthy. And when done as a group, watch out. You can end up in the fetal position.

It's a tactic not only used by middle and high school girls but by many passive aggressive adults. I've personally used it and it works. But I didn't feel good about it and I'm not doing it again.

It's a great weapon because the perpetrator can get away with it. It's subtle but effective.

I've decided to call people out on it. Why not? And, it's possible to do that without lowering yourself. Most bullying can be stopped with just a few words.

Next time someone doesn't give me eye contact intentionally, I'm going to try to get their eye and say, "Is everything ok?" And if they ask why I ask that, I'm going to reply, "Because you're not looking at me and you seem tense." At the very least it makes them think that they're not as subtle as they thought they were. They'll have to find some other means to make me feel small.

But for kids it's different. A lot harder. I think adults should be aware of the kind of hurt it causes and at least step in with awareness and sympathy.

But that might not be enough. Anyone out there have advice?