Listen to Ally: When It Comes to Being Bullied, She Knows What She's Talking About

Several months ago, my friend, Nancy, and I attended a bullying and cyberbullying panel discussion featuring some of the top names in the field...but the most impressive by far, was an expert sitting in the audience. The most riveting remarks were by a young well-spoken girl by the name of Ally. She began to speak honestly and openly about her own experience:

Allyson is a 21-year-old from Franklin, NJ who was cyberbullied, bullied, and harassed in high school after an ex-boyfriend forwarded a topless picture of her to her entire school. She has since done multiple interviews, goes to schools and talks to students about the dangers of sexting, and educates others on digital abuse awareness. She also appeared in the MTV News special "Sexting in America: When Privates Go Public." She is currently attending school for Vascular Sonography and is writing a book about sexting and the severe repercussions she had to overcome after high school.

I reached out to Ally to ask her to share her three top tips for parents and teens:

1) Do not ever put anything in writing or pictures that you wouldn't want your parents, teachers, or family to see. Once something is sent it can never be taken back. It is virtually out there forever, and it CAN haunt you for the rest of your life.

2) If you are a parent or guardian and you suspect something is up with your teen, TALK TO THEM. Keep your eyes open to warning signs of bullying. i.e drop in grades, isolation, sudden personality changes.

3) If you are a teen who is being bullied online or off, GET HELP. Be it through your parents, a trusted friend, or a teacher, find someone you trust who is reliable enough to help you. You can not deal with it on your own.

Ally taught me so much in just a few minutes during that symposium. She was immediately likable and made me realize that this momentary lapse in judgment can happen to anyone and the fallout is cruel and brutal. (I always say that "even nice kids" can run into trouble on the internet but no one deserves to be tortured.)

October's National Geographic cover story, The New Science of the Teenage Brain, as well as CNN's story, Why Teens Are Wired For Risk explain why teens do things that seem risky and thoughtless. They mention 2 things: 1.) they don't think about the risk, they think about the reward (such as having a boy really like you) and 2.) they are preparing to leave the nest and become independent (from what I understand, kind of testing things out.)

Knowng this doesn't make it any easier to parent teens, but it may make it easier to understand why even "good" kids push the envelope (and actually most kids are good). We cannot abandon them.

Thanks, Ally, for being brave and sharing your story. It's noble that you're willing to help others.

And, thanks to my dentist, Dr. Tricorache. Have you noticed yet that your October issue of National Geographic is missing? (Some brains actually never fully mature.)

Cyberbullying: Two Things Schools and Parents Can Do

At last night's cyberbullying summit sponsored by the New York City Council, two things struck me: 1.) It's great that the room was full and there's clearly more interest and awareness on the subject and 2.) We don't quite get it yet.

Hearing From the Real Experts: The Kids

ENACT, an awesome NYC high school performing group, opened the night with a fantastic short play about sexting. That woke everyone up. It got our attention because it skillfully showed how even good kids can get pressured and send provocative photos of themselves.

One brave girl was there to tell her real story. She was a good all around student but in a spur of the moment act -- it took six seconds --sent a photo of her breasts to a guy which he forwarded and it spread like wildfire. Her mother was nearly in tears talking about the bullying and harassment her daughter received for four years after the incident. It was heartbreaking to hear her mother talk about the fact that kids are being charged as sex offenders. It's true. Think about that. They have to sit in the same room as rapists and pedophiles in court ordered therapy sessions. They can't live near a school, for example, for 25 years.

Another highlight was listening to a Wired Safety panel of teens and tweens (and even an eight year-old) talk about the various ways that the internet, and particularly cell phones, are being used as weapons. Among the 77 ways (yes, they said that 77 ways had been identified) that kids use technology to hurt each other were things like picking up someone else's phone when they're not looking and sending mean messages or pretending that others sent you harassing messages to get them in trouble. Then the drama starts, which is why a lot of cyberbullying is done in the first place. Teens love drama.

The reasons and the perpetrators can be categorized in a variety of ways. Some are mean girls (and boys); some have been bullied before and want retaliation; some are shy offline and are flexing their muscles online. But the bottom line here is that all kids are capable of doing this. Many just don't know better. Most are just kids.

Tangled Ball Problem Needing Many Solutions

Next steps? A panel comprised of reps from Common Sense Media, NYC Dept. of Ed, MTV, Facebook, Microsoft, AT&T, and the Relationship Abuse Prevention Program were on hand to report on what they were doing as organizations to help stop the epidemic. Unfortunately, it's not enough. Two basic things are missing. We need a reporting infrastructure in middle and high schools that can handle sexting and cyberbullying incidents. Schools literally do not know how to handle this issue -- and the policies and laws are not clear, which is scary. We need to help them out by untangling a few of these strings. (An organization in D.C., iKeepSafe, has an initiative called Generation Safe which is trying to do just that.) Secondly, we have to start teaching internet safety as young as kindergarten and include parents. (Common Sense Media and others mentioned to the right have fantastic and often free materials.) No two ways about it.

Other Countries Struggling With Same Issues

Just saw this piece from Australia this morning on this very subject. I'm with you, mate.

If you had two suggestions, what would they be?

Is Television Making Us Bullies?

There is one big factor in the bullying conversation that hasn't made it's way into all the media attention. It's the media.

I like reality shows as much as the next shallow person but there's SO much of it! I actually heard Bobby Flay call a weeping young chef out on a food challenge show, telling her that her cupcakes were crumbly and this is the FOOD Network, not the FUN Network. I thought food was supposed to be fun.

(I don't want to necessarily pick on The Food Network because I had hours of joy watching it with my beloved mother-in-law during the last year of her life, but I think she would even say that some of the shows have gotten a little too mean-spirited. God save the poor chef who doesn't know what to do with the secret ingredient!)

But food competitions are the least of it. Just turn on Bravo or MTV and hold on to your seats. All fun and games until you realize that kids are watching the same shows: Jersey Shore, The Housewives of Everywhere, etc., etc. Screaming, cursing, hitting, stomping, blasting, blood vessels popping and manic texting.

This is what concerns me. We can deliver great school programs to help combat peer to peer cruelty from elementary school on up, but what is really influencing our kids and our culture? How do we stop this deluge of mean?

And as a side note, some of these programmers are getting in on the bullying prevention band wagon, but is that a good idea, either? Here's author and expert Rosalind Wiseman's blog post about the rather odd partnership with the NEA (National Education Association), the Creative Coalition and the WWE.

I'd really welcome your thoughts.