Cyberbullying: Two Things Schools and Parents Can Do

At last night's cyberbullying summit sponsored by the New York City Council, two things struck me: 1.) It's great that the room was full and there's clearly more interest and awareness on the subject and 2.) We don't quite get it yet.

Hearing From the Real Experts: The Kids

ENACT, an awesome NYC high school performing group, opened the night with a fantastic short play about sexting. That woke everyone up. It got our attention because it skillfully showed how even good kids can get pressured and send provocative photos of themselves.

One brave girl was there to tell her real story. She was a good all around student but in a spur of the moment act -- it took six seconds --sent a photo of her breasts to a guy which he forwarded and it spread like wildfire. Her mother was nearly in tears talking about the bullying and harassment her daughter received for four years after the incident. It was heartbreaking to hear her mother talk about the fact that kids are being charged as sex offenders. It's true. Think about that. They have to sit in the same room as rapists and pedophiles in court ordered therapy sessions. They can't live near a school, for example, for 25 years.

Another highlight was listening to a Wired Safety panel of teens and tweens (and even an eight year-old) talk about the various ways that the internet, and particularly cell phones, are being used as weapons. Among the 77 ways (yes, they said that 77 ways had been identified) that kids use technology to hurt each other were things like picking up someone else's phone when they're not looking and sending mean messages or pretending that others sent you harassing messages to get them in trouble. Then the drama starts, which is why a lot of cyberbullying is done in the first place. Teens love drama.

The reasons and the perpetrators can be categorized in a variety of ways. Some are mean girls (and boys); some have been bullied before and want retaliation; some are shy offline and are flexing their muscles online. But the bottom line here is that all kids are capable of doing this. Many just don't know better. Most are just kids.

Tangled Ball Problem Needing Many Solutions

Next steps? A panel comprised of reps from Common Sense Media, NYC Dept. of Ed, MTV, Facebook, Microsoft, AT&T, and the Relationship Abuse Prevention Program were on hand to report on what they were doing as organizations to help stop the epidemic. Unfortunately, it's not enough. Two basic things are missing. We need a reporting infrastructure in middle and high schools that can handle sexting and cyberbullying incidents. Schools literally do not know how to handle this issue -- and the policies and laws are not clear, which is scary. We need to help them out by untangling a few of these strings. (An organization in D.C., iKeepSafe, has an initiative called Generation Safe which is trying to do just that.) Secondly, we have to start teaching internet safety as young as kindergarten and include parents. (Common Sense Media and others mentioned to the right have fantastic and often free materials.) No two ways about it.

Other Countries Struggling With Same Issues

Just saw this piece from Australia this morning on this very subject. I'm with you, mate.

If you had two suggestions, what would they be?

Schools, Parents, Internet Safety and the New Year

Internet Safety! Horrors! Where do we begin?

Recently, I noticed a few basic disconnects when it comes to elementary school-aged children and teaching Internet Safety basics. There's an information gap between school and home. Most schools now have a computer class. The computer teachers I spoke with talk about Internet Safety in class. But where is there a need to actually practice Internet Safety? In the home, of course. Who is the teacher in the home? The parent, of course.

Many parents are tech savvy but many more are not and it's created a generation gap of sorts. It may close as younger parents come up the ranks but in the meantime, it's a dangerous gap. Although it's a big scary subject, it can be manageable with the right tools and good basic information, especially if parents and schools communicate.

In preparation for a parent workshop, I came across this "one-stop shopping" resource: Net Cetera. Their downloadable tools are awesome and I also ordered the booklet for several schools to share with parents at workshops and to send home to parents who couldn't attend. It's not People Magazine but it's an easy read. It's free and I've been able to order 500 at a time.

Parenting is so crammed with things we should do: immunizations, reading, test scores, sports, hygiene, cleaning, play dates, haircuts, feeding, clothes buying, washing and folding. (Who am I kidding? The folding doesn't actually get done in my house but you get the drift.) Sometimes it's too much in a day to do but unfortunately, just like teaching our kids "stranger danger," Internet Safety is on the "must do" list.

I've done a little work for you. Here's a sample letter that can be sent home from school with the Net Cetera booklet and bookmark. It can be signed by the principal, assistant principal, computer teacher or PTA President. It's a start to closing the gap in a simple, effective way.

Dear Parent,

A brand new year is a good time to set priorities and to focus on all the good things we want to achieve for our children and ourselves.

In that spirit, we are sending home this booklet from Net Cetera, which is full of information and tips regarding online safety.
As your children get older, their dependence on technology for help with schoolwork and connecting with friends becomes stronger. In most cases, the Internet is a fantastic resource.

Realistically, though, we can’t be 100% comfortable with all it has to offer. For example, statistically, one out of four children are bullied online. There’s also the issue of “digital literacy,” predators and privacy issues. In other words, you can’t believe everything you read – or trust everyone you meet -- on the Internet. Our children will be safer and happier if we take the time to be informed. Simple tips, such as where you place the computer or rules on cell phone usage, will help protect them and help you sleep better at night, too.

Students at (name of school) learn about Internet Safety issues in computer class. Since the majority of their computer and cell phone time is outside of the classroom, we want to ensure you have the proper information to reinforce these lessons at home.

We hope you find this booklet helpful. It doesn’t take long to read but it may save you hours of worry.

Sincerely,


(Principal, Parent Coordinator, PTA President, or Computer Teacher)


It's amazing what can come from one little letter bridging the most important teachers in a child's technology driven life.

Thanks to Those Who Care about Kids and Bullying

Thanks to all those who spend their time, money, and expertise to help kids have a lighthearted and bully-free childhood.

There are so many great experts doing good work. There are also great parents paying attention to raising compassionate kids. And to parents who also volunteer in schools, you're awesome. Parents can't do it alone and schools can't do it alone. When we work together we have a shot at preventing and/or blunting the long tail of pain that bullying creates.

Is there a one-size fits all solution? Absolutely not.

I really like the list at the top right when it comes to training, research and tools. There are many others which I'll continue to share in future posts but... who -- and what -- would you recommend?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and the readers of this blog are my favorite people. (Other than the ones I lugged around for 9 months. Oh, and of course the guy that's my friend and husband.) So thanks for your interest in pulling out one damn string at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving.

If You Were Bullied, Would You Tell?

A huge percentage of kids don't tell an adult when they're being bullied. Fox News' story, "Why Bully Victims Suffer In Silence" prompted me to repost an interview I did several months ago with a very wise teenager. Bottom line, for so many kids, telling an adult doesn't help. In fact, so many times it makes it worse.

If the main piece of advice we give kids is "tell an adult," then we better kick it into gear and start funding training from Pre-K and up.

This is what a very wise high school student told me several months ago:

Rashidat Encarnacion participated in last year's Family Online Safety Conference (FOSI). She was one of a group of Girl Scouts asked to be on a panel moderated by Marsali Hancock, President of iKeepSafe, a well-respected national online safety organization. The panel was a chance to hear about online safety issues from the perspective of teens. I was very impressed with the girls' comments, and in particular, with then 16 year-old Rashidat's sage advice.

Sometimes 'friends' on Facebook are not your friends. Know the difference and don't 'friend' anyone you can't trust.

Believe it or not, as fate (happily) would have it, I ran into Rashidat several months later. I asked her if she could explain why kids don't tell an adult when they've been bullied. This is what she said:

Well, I feel children do not tell their parents because they are afraid of the way their parents will react to the situation. Maybe the parents’ reaction to the situation can cause further bullying of the child. Personally, when I was bullied in school the bullying would cease for a little bit. Then it would become worse than before, because I decided to tell an adult. Not only that but we want to feel independent …so we don't want to tell our parents about what's going on, especially things that are hurting us. In other situations pertaining to bullying, it can seem like a sign of weakness when you tell an adult. I remember fellow classmates calling me a "tattle-tale" and not wanting to hang around me if I told a teacher about someone else or myself being bullied. That is also another reason - the child being bullied does not want to lose their friends. Therefore, they keep quiet and do not tell others when they are bullied.

There are numerous reasons why children do not want to talk with their parents about bullying. When children do approach an adult, the adults should not pressure the children. If the child feels that there is no reason to worry, they feel that their situation is under control. Maybe you should respect your child’s wishes and not make a big deal of the problem.

At the same time, do not take the issue lightly. No matter what, you are the parent and you have the right to intervene in your child’s problem when it is necessary.

Like it or not, these comments are real and represent one of the core issues. Kids should not be left alone in their misery but this will continue to happen until there are many more trained adults that kids can trust. States, such as New Jersey, are slowly waking up to the fact that bullying laws don't work if they don't require high quality training for schools.