Bullying Diminishes the "Inner Resume"

Claire, the well-spoken teen who appears with author, expert and founder of Girls Leadership Institute, Rachel Simmons in this Tedx Women Talk, beautifully describes the irrational acts of exclusion and the fallout of real pain due to bullying in middle school.

Rachel goes on to talk about the inner resume. Although I had never heard that term, it's a great one. We can either add to the proud inner resume of a person or diminish it and make someone feel worthless.

She also talks about the classroom of relationships. Another great term. When hearing it, it reminded me of all those times my kids talked to me about relationships. It's a hard thing for a parent. Sometimes you feel like you should let them alone to figure it all out -- but other times, you feel like this is a teachable moment being handed to you.

I think the world has gotten a little harsher. Although I was a little unsure at the time, I'm happy that when they talked to me about something callous that a "friend" had done, that I called it out. I didn't say it was ok. I didn't say "you're being too sensitive." I said it was bad. It's not that the person was evil but it was a bad thing to do. It's not ok to do or say something harsh and feel normal about it.

Sounds simplistic but I think that's part of the message. As parents, teachers, and mentors, we have to understand the power of the "relationship classroom." Kids are watching, learning, listening all the time. Eventually they will be talking to their own kids and remembering the time that you called out mean behavior and my guess is, they will do the same for their own kids.

We are helping them build up their inner resume and reminding them that they have no right to diminish someone else's resume or have their own resume damaged in any way. That's power.

Expert Father & Son Share Their Thoughts on Internet Safety Equation

When looking back on 2011 and all the speakers I've heard on the issue of bullying and Internet Safety, a couple of them stand out. They happen to be related and were on the same panel at this year's International Bullying Prevention Association (IBPA) Conference in New Orleans.

Father and son duo, Gary and Aidan McDaniel, kept the crowd of nearly 500 riveted as they talked about their two perspectives on the issues of Internet Safety and Cyberbullying. At the age of 14, Aidan was one of the best speakers I've ever heard. He basically said what I've been thinking for a long time: there is no online world and offline world. It is now all one world and as adults, we have to understand that the culture we nurture offline is the same culture that develops online.

In other words, if a home and/or a school nurtures kindness and basic decensy, then you can expect that online, the same kind of courtesies will be there. As Aidan said, "A plant can't grow in the climate that doesn't support it." Aidan described that although he was homeschooled for part of his education, he is now in a high school that values how students treat each other.

Aidan doesn't have an online issue because his friends are his friends online and off. As a way to demonstrate how the attitude of the school spills over, he described an outreach effort that he's involved with in school and as he put it, it's goal is to "launch people into the friend zone." When someone new comes into the school or if a fellow student is having a rough time socially, they are befriended until that person is comfortable.

That school is obviously growing a lot of healthy plants.

Where are we, as adults, going wrong in this whole Internet Safety equation?

Our Problem and Your Solution

This is one of those tangled strings that Aidan just skillfully untangled in one short sentence. As adults we are taking on a teen issue that we don't fully grasp.

We don't really understand a world where the cell phone is as important as seeing someone in the hall or that facebook is simply an extension of your day. So how can we solve anything when this is not the way we, as adults, live? But if we concentrate on our main job of nurturing good citizens, then good citizens will be good citizens whether they're texting from the mall or sitting in the lunchroom.

In other words, Aidan says, "It's everyone's problem and everyone's solution."

Next up was his Dad, Gary, a clinical social worker for the Morgan County, West Virginia schools. Gary supports the 7 schools in their county in their efforts to meet the psycho-social needs of the students. That ranges from developing bullying prevention programming to suicide prevention, to family work, to crisis management, to reconciliation work, training faculty and staff, coordinating counselors, and providing direct care to students. Needless to say, Gary is up close and personal to what's going on in the lives of students and schools.

As soon as he started to speak, the light bulb went on. No wonder Aidan is so cool, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At his son's request, Gary threw out his formal talking points and spoke from the heart. He talked about two simple equations:

Citizenship = Relationship

Digital Citizenship = Relationship Amplified

That's it!!! It's not different. It's just amplified....so if it's a good relationship offline then the communications online will most probably be fine or even better than fine, but if it's a bad relationship, watch out. Technology can make it much worse.

Why is this important? Because as parents and teachers, we have to understand that the good behavior, attitude and respect that we instill in our children will be amplified. Or if we turn our backs and don't pay attention to our children's every day peer to peer relationships and we don't stop bullying in it's tracks, it will also be amplified.

Thanks, Gary and Aidan. You both just told us like it is...and my gratitude is amplified.

Accepting Others is the Anti-Bully

Single Dad Laughing blogger Dan Pearce wrote a piece about acceptance titled "Im Christian, Unless You're Gay." It's not really about religion or homosexuality, it's about acceptance, in general. It's a powerful blog with powerful messages, which is why I wanted to share his follow up vlog.

My immediate takeaway? Make someone's holiday this year and just accept them whether or not they're "like you." That's all. Accept them. Give them eye contact. Engage them in conversation. Have a laugh. Treat them like equals because, of course, they are.

If you have kids, it will be the best Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanzaa gift you can give. Kids become bullies when they get in the habit of judging others. They either hear us doing it or they're not stopped when they try it on their own or they copy their peers to fit in.

There's no time like the holidays to change how we treat others...and to show our kids the power of simple love.

And after you've done something you're proud of, take a page from Ellen DeGeneres or Single Dad Laughing, Dan Pearce...and Just Dance...

In case you were wondering and according to a study by the Girl Scouts Research Institute, yes, reality shows can make girls more mean.

We can put all the bullying prevention campaigns in place that we want, but when teens are surrounded by mean, it's hard to prevent it. People often say, "What's the big deal? Bullying has been around forever", but with the dawn of the reality show phenomenon, being mean has helped create a new low. Now, it's "funny" or "cool."

Are you reading this producers of Bad Girls Club? Do you care? Probably not, but it's ok for us to care. Ask your kids if they watch it. If they watch it and laugh at it, worry...and say something. Somewhere along the way, we have to get the message across that if it is reality, in any way shape or form, it's a very sad reality.

There's another aspect to this story. Often when we see someone doing something so extreme, we feel we're not as bad as and that gives us permission to be mean but not that mean. In other words, many popular reality shows lower the bar. It's not ok to be mean, even if it's not as mean as what we're watching for "entertainment."

When did it become ok to watch people, including teens, assault each other?

For Jamey Rodemeyer's Sake, Listen

It was reported today that the kids that taunted Jamey Rodemeyer, calling him a f---t and telling him that he should kill himself got off with a slap on the wrist. This is a particularly disturbing case because the taunting and brutality didn't stop after the suicide. Jamey's sister was taunted even after her brother took his own life. The same kids that taunted him in life chanted at the Homecoming Dance -- when a Lady Gaga song came on -- and during the same weekend as Jamey's wake, "You're better off dead, we're glad you're dead."

This is not unique to the Buffalo area. Other families grappling with the suicide of a child due to bullying have experienced the same thing. That scares me. A lot. It's one thing for kids to not understand what their brutality does to another human being but it's exponentially worse when they still don't get it after a child hangs himself.

I once heard that young teens are wired for the "pack mentality," meaning they like to be in groups and what the group thinks and does rules. But to this degree?

Are we're losing it? Are we losing our outrage? Are we losing our ability to teach kids empathy? Because even if they do run in packs, this horrible outcome should have stopped them in their tracks.

This should be sending up a flare.

Jamey also said in a video shortly before he died that "I was always saying how bullied I am, but no one listens." If there is only one thing we can do as a result of this poor child suffering so deeply, we can listen.

Each one of us can listen. It should be without interruption. Turning off cell phones, TV, and all the other clutter and just listen. And if what that child is telling us is bad, we can be outraged for them. We can validate what they're going through...or just sit in interested silence.

And Jamey's Dad has this piece of advice for parents who are worried that their kids are being bullied, "Badger your kids and make them talk."

I think most of us have experienced the relief of having someone understand. Sometimes it was from someone you didn't expect.

Experts tell children to "tell a trusted adult" when they're having a problem with bullying. Listening is usually a sign that we can be trusted.

Thankful for the People Who Step Up: ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition

Are you ever curious how and why certain people become involved in the bullying prevention issue?

Recently, I became aware of a great site and facebook page for ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. It's really inclusive. It made me wonder who started it and why. When I found out the founders, Cari, Candice and Aunt T, are based in Michigan City, Indiana, I almost fell off my chair. I grew up in Michigan City (Long Beach, specifically) and although I was 13 when we moved and I have no family there, I still consider it "home."

Their Mission:

We are passionate about implementing pro-active anti-bullying solutions into our school system and as far around the world as we can grow! We have found such need in our community to advocate for families as well as help change the belief that "kids will be kids" and "it makes them stronger" with the knowledge that even one bullying episode can have life long negative effects. And although our program is currently focused on school time bullying, we hope to spread the word; bullying is a personality and it spans all ages and crosses all boundaries; race, religion, size, gender, socioeconomic status, educational level, sexual orientation and does not stop in High School but continues on to the workplace, retirement homes, private clubs, organizations, it's everywhere.

Why They Stepped Up:
Cari’s Story:

There are moments in life that change us, define us for the next chapter, and it was one of those moments that inevitably led to the creation of ABC. I am a mom of three children, distinct and wonderful in their individual ways. When people ask me why I started ABC, they are always surprised when I tell them it’s not because I was bullied, or because my own children have faced it…. Is it a factor behind it? Yes, of course…. But it was not the inspiration. Instead the inspiration came in a defining moment, when I found myself openly crying in my office after reading yet another story of a child who had taken their own life due to bullying. I empathized with the child that felt it was their only escape and as a parent, who cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It is my greatest fear. Right then, I decided I would do “something” in the fight against bullying.

I researched it heavily, wrote letters, connected with teachers and friends… I talked with my fiancé of knowing this was “something” I was meant to do, but I didn’t know what that “something” would turn out to be. The “something” became clear, when my best friend, Candice, put me in touch with moms locally whose children were facing bullying and were being silenced by the school system. ABC was created within days and I continue to look forward to a future so bright “I have to wear shades.” ☺ I am determined to end bullying…. That is my goal, and while there may be those who scoff and say, “That’s never going to happen,” it only makes me that much more determined. Each time I learn of another child’s death, I cry tears… tears for the child, tears for the parent, the family and the friends… and my resolve strengthens. We CAN change this society from one of cruelty and violence to one of kindness and empathy. We CAN stand up, band together and have our voices heard. We CAN do all of these things….. together.

Candice’s Story:

I am involved with ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition for many, many reasons, but the main desire to help end bullying stems from experiences I had during my high school years.

When I was younger, I was teased, bullied, and sexually harassed beyond belief because of my large breast size, which lead to taunting and malicious rumors being spread about me. Because of the extreme personal nature of the bullying, I was too ashamed to tell my parents, a teacher, or an adult about the harassment. I am still ashamed about it to this day.

As a result, I developed severe anxiety issues relating to school, especially the classes that included my tormentors. Eventually, I had skipped so many classes, and missed so much school that I had to be pulled out and “homeschooled” for the remainder of the school year, and the administrators recommended that I attend the city’s Alternative High School the next school year. This “punishment” ended up being my salvation.

The alternative high school’s atmosphere was completely different from that of the public school. It was more family oriented, with students comfortable enough to stick up for fellow students when issues would arise, and teachers and administrators sincerely cared for their students, which was constantly demonstrated through their actions. Here, my self-confidence flourished, here I thrived. The shy, quiet, self-conscious girl who was so ruthlessly tormented at her previous school found herself standing up for others, and standing up for herself. The Alternative School was not perfect by any means and issues of bullying DID go on, but incidents were not swept under the rug and were dealt with by the administrator’s head on. Because of their actions, I have experienced a school environment that did not tolerate bullying on any level; I know from experience that such a place CAN exist. I also know how a school like this can heal a person’s soul.

Aunt T’s Story:

I have always had extraordinarily strong feelings about right vs. wrong. I am frustrated by injustice in this world and voice my opinion frequently. They are not always popular or well received, but I have always felt it is vital to not just sit back and watch someone be treated as inferior. To me, this is condoning the behavior/treatment.

Sometimes it is very hard to look someone in the face and ask them to not use a derogatory slur or questions their strong beliefs if they differ from my own. But I am confident enough in my beliefs that I usually don't let intimidation hold me back. The same cannot be said for all people I am friends with or even folks in my family. I would sit back and watch people laugh off comments that I know for a fact they do not believe or feel acceptable. I would question them later, inquiring as to why they didn't "correct" the person or verbally "defend" their beliefs? Without fail people would say; "What good would it do? It won't change their beliefs". While I understand why people feel this way, it is an unacceptable belief. It falls into the "If not now, when? If not me, who?" philosophy.

If I don't highlight right from wrong, I am NOT honoring my beliefs. If I don't fight to keep our children safe from the torture of bullies, who will? If I didn't help change peoples view, language and level of acceptance... I am condoning, therefore perpetuating, the prejudice. This crosses over into bridging the communication gap between school systems and families.

I do not believe our school systems are ambiguous. I believe most teachers and administrators care deeply about our children. Likewise I believe parents are acutely aware of their children's physical and mental well being. But so many people seem to get stuck on the accepted bullying wheel. Many beliefs and sayings are widely accepted by society; schools and homes are just microcosm of society. Bringing schools and families together to work through bullying issues changes society.

One child, one family, one school, changes society. That is why I am part of ABC: Anti-Bullying Coalition. Even one family helped, one mind changed, one school made more aware - profoundly impacts society. I stand up for what I believe in. I fight for what I feel is right not only for my own but for those who are unable or unwilling to do so for themselves. "Prejudice is learned. Teach acceptance" is my gospel. Aunt T~

Inspiration from Michigan City makes me thankful. (And wonder what the MEAN on their t-shirts mean? It's "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" Where does your inspiration come from? Would love to hear your story.

P.S.: The "MEAN" on their t-shirts stands for "Moms Expecting Acceptance Now!" (Moms are so "mean," and in this case, it's a good thing!)

New Study: Teens, Kindness & Cruelty on Social Network Sites

I read about the recent findings from the Pew Research Center study on Cyberbullying and Internet safety -- Teens, Kindness & Cruelty on Social Network Sites -- but before I could write about it myself, I discovered this article and low and behold, it's by my cousin-in-law, Warren Raisch, an expert in all things online. Thank you, Warren, for allowing me to share this:

The Dark Side Of Social Networking – 88% of Teens Witness Online Cruelty on Social Networks.
Posted on November 14, 2011 by Warren Raisch on his blog Think Conversation!

An entire generation is growing up with the Internet as a central part of their daily lives. Social Networking is a big part of that daily experience. As social networks mature, it should probably be no surprise that they will start to reflect both the good and the bad elements of the societies that they operate in. Unfortunately meanness and bullying is a growing issue for teens according to a new report out from Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project, which surveyed 799 kids ages 12 to 17 and a parent or guardian.

As a parent, I struggle with how much access to provide to my children on the Internet in general and with Social Networks. Being in the industry I recognize the power of the Internet and all of the wonderful access there is to knowledge, entertainment and connectivity to family and friends. But as a parent I also recognize the danger of too much access and lean towards controlled and supervised access for my children. My general practice has been to provide one computer to the kids with child protection software located centrally in our home in our Kitchen/Family room area where my wife and I can supervise all Internet access.

We monitor the sites they visit and the content they interact with. We are just entering the Social Networking participation with our oldest daughter and we have allowed her to set up a Facebook account with my wife and I included as friends and with us monitoring the activity. To be honest, I was very uncomfortable with the decision but since we know all of her friends and the family members on her Facebook account it is going fine so far. But I encourage parents to stay involved and don’t be afraid to monitor your kids. It is our responsibility to monitor them and guide them. If we don’t someone else will.

KEY SUMMARY FINDINGS FROM THE STUDY:

The majority of social media-using teens say their peers are mostly kind to one another on social network sites. Their views are less positive than those of social media-using adults.

Most American teens who use social media say that in their experience, people their age are mostly kind to one another on social network sites. Overall, 69% of social media-using teens think that peers are mostly kind to each other on social network sites. Another 20% say that peers are mostly unkind, while 11% volunteered that “it depends.” At the same time, in a similar question asked of adults 18 and older, 85% of social media-using adults reported that people are mostly kind to one another on social network sites, while just 5% felt that people are mostly unkind.4

88% of social media-using teens have witnessed other people be mean or cruel on social network sites.

Among social media users, 88% of teens have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on a social network site. Asked, “When you’re on a social networking site, how often do you see people being mean or cruel?,” teens who use social network sites say the following about how frequently they witnessed such behavior:

12% say they witnessed cruel behavior “frequently.”
29% say they saw meanness on social network sites “sometimes.”
47% say they saw such behavior “only once in a while.”Overall, adults are less likely to say they have seen meanness on social media; 69% of adult social media users say they have seen people being mean and cruel to others on social network sites.
7% of adult social media users witness meanness or cruelty “frequently” on the sites.
18% say they saw meanness on social network sites “sometimes.”
44% say they saw such behavior “only once in a while.”15% of social media-using teens say they have been the target of online meanness.Some 15% of teen social media users have experienced such harassment themselves in the past 12 months, while 85% of them have not.

“Online lives and offline lives are now merging more and more, and that’s something parents have to be aware of,” says Jim Steyer, founder of Common Sense Media, a non-profit that educates kids and families about media use. “There is still so much we don’t know about how (social media) affects teens’ social and emotional development.”

About 93% of teens surveyed say they have an account on Facebook, and 62% say the profile they use most often is set to be private so only their friends can see what they post.

86% of teens say they have received advice from parents about how to be safe online.
55% of teens say they don’t post content that might reflect poorly on them in the future.
22% have had an experience on social media that ended a friendship with someone.

To read more, check out the full report.