Siblings, The Summer, and Bullying

This week's anti-bullying buzz is about siblings.  A new study published by the journal Pediatrics, reveals that sibling bullying can be just as harmful as peer bullying to children's mental health.

When kids are out of school and spending more time as a family, it's an important thing to be aware of.  How brothers and sisters treat each other can either have a lifelong positive effect or do a lot of damage.  Parents set the tone.



Bully, the movie, will make you want to do something. You may wonder what that "something' could be? It may be as close as your own home.

In one of the scenes from the movie, it's painful to watch Alex get bullied by his younger sister. She basically calls him a loser and you can tell that it's not the first time.

We always focus on bullying in the schoolyard or online, but we rarely talk about sibling bullying.

In her book, Bullies and Victims, SuEllen Fried describes it this way,

Some conflict between siblings is normal and unavoidable. Sibling conflict is viewed as abusive when the interaction becomes violent, when one sibling feels powerless to stop the interaction, when the conflict persists over extended periods of time, and when the conflict is lopsided so that one sibling is singled out consistently.

Do we tune this out as parents? Do we get so sick of the kids "fighting," that we don't pay attention anymore?

A few years ago, I was at the International Bullying Prevention Assoc. conference and one of the most impressive workshops was led by this very serene looking woman. She started out by talking about sibling abuse and bullying. By the end of it, I noticed that all the attendees (mostly principals, teachers, coaches, security officers, counselors), including the men in the room, were emotional.  It seemed that each person could relate to the subject of sibling to sibling meanness. 

Last fall I was visiting a classroom. We weren't even talking about bullying but there was a little boy who raised his hand and then popped out of his desk to tell me that his bigger cousin was beating him up. When I asked him if his parents knew, he said that they told him to get over it...his cousin was just "horsing around." This child was clearly afraid of his cousin.

Sibling (or family) bullying often gets swept under the rug and often the pain of that bullying never goes away -- as was seen on the faces of those men in that workshop. (Not all siblings will like each other growing up, but they shouldn't be allowed to hurt each other.)

Letting our own children cross the line with (or against) each other is not good. That line is the line between "getting on each other's nerves" to constantly belittling, demeaning or physically hurting each other.

SuEllen suggests,

In general children should resolve differences on their own. When children are unable to do so, adults should intervene...

Good tips from Dr. Barbara Greenberg on how to handle sibling bullying.

Leadership: Josh's Example

Leadership.  It's so powerful but it can be so simple.  Josh's story is proof that it can also be catching.  In his case, it was also the answer to overcoming the long tail of pain that bullying causes.

If you have children, I encourage you to show them Josh's story.  My favorite part is hearing his fellow students' reactions.  Although kids hear and see so much "mean," they gravitate to "kind."  Kind can be very cool.

Kids are also the best teachers.  I'll be interested in hearing what you think of Josh's way of stepping up after he was stepped on.

Bullying: Are Schools Entirely to Blame?

The last post was from the perspective of a parent.

It's also fair to look at things from the perspective of the school.

What I hear from many elementary school principals is that "bullying" has become such a talked about subject, parents and kids are confused by what it means.  I was told by one principal that after the school hosts an assembly about bullying, she gets barraged the next day by kids complaining that if another child bumps into them in the hall or looks at them the wrong way, they've been "bullied."

It's hard for schools to keep up and parents don't always make it easy.  Often parents don't admit to the role they play in making the problem worse.  Parents flying off the handle can do a lot of damage.  This is not to say that parents can't feel frustrated and protective but berating a teacher or school secretary isn't teaching the child anything.  Correction.  It is teaching them something.  Either 1.) they'll start to over react themselves and learn that screaming is communication or 2.) they'll never tell you again about a problem...and that's a serious issue.  Kids should not try to handle everything alone.  

Believe it or not, handling conflict is a teachable moment and children learn by example.  It's called leadership.

Schools are also fighting an uphill battle and our pop culture is the biggest challenge.  Kids are being exposed to so much meanness and violence in what they watch and hear outside of school that it's almost impossible for them not to bring some of those behaviors into school.

Are we in denial?  Even young kids are playing inappropriate video games, watching reality shows,  are allowed on Facebook and have smart phones before they've developed good judgement.  For some reason, companies are getting away with marketing irresponsibly to our children and as parents, we are afraid to say "no."

We can't depend on schools to raise our kids.  

Any thoughts on how we build better parent-school relationships? 

Little Upstanders Make a Big Difference

Bullying prevention is complicated.  Sometimes it seems that it's bigger than all of us but it's not insurmountable.  We have an untapped army out there.  If we start training bystanders to start stepping up from an early age, we've got a shot at creating safe and caring school climates.

Read on.  We can learn from the pint-sized upstanders in this story.

I was talking to a mom of a six-year old yesterday.  Believe it or not, her first grader has been on the receiving end of true bullying behavior since Pre-K.  Everything from emotional manipulation to punching and kicking.

She admitted that in Pre-K her daughter was "a biter."  She didn't feel she could address this situation appropriately in Pre-K because she had to work on her own daughter first.  (Don't you love honest and realistic parents?) She was also a teacher before having children so she knew that what you do at home directly affects how a child acts in school.

Seems as if her own child matured beyond the biting stage but another little girl in her class didn't.  Now that they are in first grade, her little girl had already been this other girl's target for two years.  Once a light-hearted child ready and willing to go to school, my friend's daughter was having stomach aches.

The mom went to the teacher many times and although the teacher promised to keep an eye on it, the problem continued.  Like many bullying incidents, most of them were being done behind the teacher's back.

This seemed like a hopeless situation.  My friend was projecting a long and miserable school experience for her daughter.

The teacher was beginning to treat my friend like one of those moms.  She and the counselor started to blame the problem on her daughter being too sensitive.  (As my friend pointed out, anyone becomes sensitive after being mistreated for two years.)

What turned this bad situation around?  The little upstanders in the classroom.  Without "tattling," the other classmates set the teacher straight.  They told the teacher the truth.   Everything that my friend's child was trying to communicate to the teacher and counselor was true.

Then the principal stepped in.  She took the 6 year-olds at their word and the little girl was suspended for a few days. They're working on a strategy for the rest of the school year and next year.

Encouraging Our Little Bystanders To Be Upstanders  

Number One:  Make sure they know the difference between tattling and reporting.  The first is something you do to get someone in trouble; the second is telling the truth to make sure someone doesn't get hurt (emotionally or physically.)

Number Two:  Children know how to manipulate their parents.  Make sure they know that "telling" on a sibling or friend isn't cool if it's solely to get their brother, sister or friend in trouble.  Telling you about something that will be helpful to correct a situation is very different and should be encouraged.  (If you have siblings, I don't need to explain any further.  Most of us let a little jealousy get the best of us when we were kids.  That "green-eyed monster" is part of growing up but it needs to be called out.)

Number Three:  Catch them in the act of doing something good.  The children in that first grade class should be complimented for stepping up.  Of course, not at the cost of hurting their classmate's feelings (kids shouldn't be labeled as "bullies") but because they told the truth and it helped the situation.

Principals, teachers and counselors should be trained in nurturing little "upstanders."  It's called leadership.

Leadership is the anti-bully.

Parents and Children: Lessons on Leadership from Boston

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers

Boston.  Poor Boston. Poor parents trying to explain this to their children, especially after Newtown.

I am truly empathetic because, as a family living in New York, one of the hardest things about 9/11 was trying to steady myself so I could help my four children.

As a child, I was terrified about communism.  Truly terrified.  I didn't share how scared I was with my parents because everyone else seemed ok.  My seven siblings played and my parents went to their usual parties.  I, meanwhile, was convinced that communists, dressed in black, of course, would come in by boat (we lived on Lake Michigan) and would crawl up our yard from the beach and storm the house.  The Cuban Missile Crisis was probably what inspired my terror.  It's difficult to know how kids are affected by the news.

I understand how hard it is to be traumatized by the awful events this week in Boston and then help your kids with their fears.  It's the kids who don't say how scared they are that you might be worrying about most.

Here's a simple lesson I learned: Be active in the recovery.  When awful things like this happen, it can paralyze you and make it even harder to parent.

Kids also need to witness your empathy and strength and then be given a chance to practice leadership.   It can be as simple as drawing pictures or writing letters to the victims or their families or making a meal for someone who was somehow affected.   It can also be helping your child's school with some type of outreach campaign.  Let them help you.   Kids need to know that we can make things better even in small ways.  It gives them hope.

In hindsight, there probably wasn't a need for the thousands of pairs of socks or face masks that I helped my children's elementary school collect after 9/11 but it gave families a reason to snap out of their shock and do something.  More importantly, their kids were now shopping with them, away from the television and engaged in something positive and getting their power back.

I'm not a child psychologist but I'll tell you why I know this is important.  I was in an awkward position the Monday after the World Trade Center bombing.  I had some checks for the Red Cross that I had collected and I just wanted to deliver it to the principal and then "try to get back to normal (ha!)."  Since I lived across the street, I risked just throwing on sweats and running over to the school. No shower. No makeup. I don't think I even really had combed my hair.  (All things that I should have known better but I think a lot of moms can relate to that split second decision..."I won't run into anyone.  I'll just run in and out.")

The school secretary said the principal was in the gym.  What she didn't tell me was that she was holding an assembly for the 500+ students.  The principal was struggling.  It was eery because the kids weren't acting like kids.  They looked like little zombies.  Stunned and silent.  None of the usual squirming or smiles or bright eyes.

Mrs. Macula asked me to say something.  I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me?"  At that time, I was also afraid to do any public speaking and on top of that, I'm aware that I'm not looking much like an authority figure...and two of my kids are in the audience.

I literally prayed.  Please let me say something that will help.

I swear I had no control over the words coming out of my mouth.  I simply said,

You've already made things better.  There's evil in the world but you're good.  There are more good people than bad. 

I could literally feel the mood change in the gym.  As I was leaving the building, a young girl stepped up to me and said, "Mrs. Raisch, that was a good speech."

If it was comforting, I can't take any credit.  I'm being honest when I say that I was panicked but to this day, I'm grateful for those words.  All the kids had heard about for nearly a week was that people can be evil.

Kids can be reminded during these horrible times that they are leaders and they have power.  The smallest thing or person has the power to make things better.

Fred Rogers' mother knew the same thing.

God Bless You, Boston.

Everyone Needs a "Blocker": Leadership Lessons from Nebraska

Friendship.  It's a life saver.

I've been lucky.  I've had many friends but I've also gone through times in my life when people who I thought were my friends were somehow absent when I really needed one.

I've also had the situation when people who I didn't think I knew well, stepped up and really showed genuine friendship.  These are the unexpected "blockers" in our life.

The Nebraska football team is a great example of what we can all be -- people who offer an assist with enthusiasm.

Imagine if everyone, including and especially kids,  had this magical thing called support.

Be the magic today for someone who secretly needs a "blocker" but doesn't know how to ask.

Leadership is the anti-bully.

Untangling the Mess of Bullying

When Emily Bazelon's new book, Sticks and Stones, recently came out, it reignited the bullying prevention conversation.  It comes in ebbs and flows.  I can't comment on the book yet.  I'm hoping to get my copy soon but a recent interview in the Huffington Post made me want to pick up the phone and call her.

Why?  Because her answers were very balanced and reinforced the feeling I have about the entire subject.  She actually said "untangle" and of course, that made me want to read on.

We're doing our children a disservice if we look at this as a problem that we can just use a check list to fix.

Please read the piece.  It's short and to the point.  One of the questions asked is about the role of parents and I couldn't agree more.  We are giving the majority of the blame to schools and not talking about parents or the home...or I dare say, EARLY prevention.

So many books have come out lately about bullying.  I think that's great.  Awareness is the key but the next really important step is to start using ALL the tools at our disposal and start YOUNG.

There are so many reasons to start instilling leadership skills when children first start coming to school.  We can talk about bullying until we're blue in the face but if we don't start giving children skills to help them step up for themselves and for others when they're young, it's difficult to turn that ship around when they're in middle school.  Not impossible...but very difficult.

It's also a perfect age to engage parents in the leadership and learning process.  Parents tend to pay attention when their "little cupcake" is just starting out.  If we can help them make it a priority and part of school readiness, we'll be ahead of the game.  Parents grow right along with their kids.

As Ms. Bazelon points out, kids know the difference between "drama" and "bullying."  But do they know the difference between indifference and stepping up?  That's where we need to place our energies.

Leadership is the anti-bully.