Young Kids, Bullying Prevention and Inspiring Leaders

What perfect timing.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month and this morning I had a great conversation with an elementary school principal.  She brought up a great point.  She was worried that kids seem to react the opposite way when they host a bullying prevention assembly in the school.

She says that during the days immediately following the assembly, she gets a flood of kids coming to her telling her hat they've been bullied but  somehow, the kids it was supposed to affect -- the kids who are actually being mean -- don't get the message at all.

This is not to say that all assemblies are bad.  It's possible that the messages that experts are delivering in assemblies are getting through to a certain number of kids but how do you make sustainable change in a school?

Just as there are multiple problems complicating the bullying issue, there are multiple solutions.  When I talk about solutions, I'm talking about ways to improve the school climate.  I don't think "bullying" can be wiped out completely but I do think we can change the balance in the school to one that feels safe and somewhat nurturing.  We also have to know how to help when a child has been bullied because it will continue to happen no matter what prevention measures you put into place.  The goal is to have every child feel confident -- but they will never be totally immune to mean behavior.

I think the focus has to change from "bullying" to "leadership," especially when you're talking to kids K-8.

Last week, my friend Nancy and I went to an evening sponsored by NBC's outreach effort, Education Nation.  The topic was bullying and it was co-hosted by correspondent, Kate Snow.  One of the guest panelists was Izzy Kalman, founder of Bullies2Buddies.  He is a self-described opponent of the anti-bully movement.  His theory is that we have to start teaching kids to stand up for themselves.  He says it's the frustration of being a victim that leads to bad things -- like mass shootings and self harm.

His counterpart on the panel was Thomas Krever, Executive Director of the Hetrick-Martin Institute and although they disagreed on some of the approaches to kids being bullied, they seemed to come to a similar conclusion.

Although they didn't say it in these exact words, it comes down to teaching kids to be leaders.

Sound simple?  Simple concept and a lot of hard work to get there.  It has to start really young.  Pre-K and Kindergarten are not too early.

Leadership is the anti-bully.  If we can teach children from a young age how to be leaders,  there will be a better climate in the classroom.  A happier place leads to a more thoughtful place.  I really think all teachers and parents should read Stan Davis's book,  Schools Where Everyone Belongs.

In a way, I wish October could be We Need More Leaders month.  To that end, there are free materials and suggestions on the Tangled Ball site.  Free because it's really important that we work together to give children back their childhoods.

(By the way, I hope Kate Snow has recovered.  Ms. Snow is no stranger to news stories about bullying but I don't think she could have been ready for the raw emotions that spilled over that night.  Although kids were in the room, it was the adults that shared the most about the scars that cruel behavior has left behind.  It was a reminder why it's so important to keep going.)

First Tangled Ball Award Ever Goes To...Stan Davis!

Stan Davis deserves an award just for the title of his first book alone: Schools Where Everyone Belongs. Isn't that a beautiful concept? As a resource for schools, this book, co-authored with his daughter Julia, does not disappoint. It's hopeful and compassionate at the same time realistic and thoughtful. It gets to the heart of how kids really feel and not just how adults assume they feel.

Stan is a teacher, therapist, presenter/entertainer, researcher, activist and father. Although soft spoken, his International Bullying Prevention Association (IBPA) workshops are standing room only. His presentation is built on real research, experience in the classroom and a genuine respect for teachers and kids. (And, yes, there really is an international conference where everyone gets together to try and figure this darn thing out!)

His second book, Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention, is awesome, too. Everyone's a bystander in one way or another. If everyone was taught to step in, a lot less kids would feel alone in their pain.

And one more thing to check out: Youth Voice Project. Stan, along with another well-respected researcher, Dr. Charisse Nixon, had the brilliant idea of throwing out preconceived notions of what works and doesn't work in bullying prevention by asking kids themselves -- over 13,000 of them. Brilliant!! Check it out because the results are surprising.

In preparation for this post, Stan was kind enough to answer two questions:

What inspired you to devote your time and talents to bullying prevention?

My time in the Civil Rights movement taught me two things: positive change is possible, and it comes when people work together. If everyone is doing positive things, no one person has to do it all. Gandhi said "Everything you do will seem unimportant. But it is very important that you do it." I just retired from counseling children after 41 years; during that time I learned over and over that small acts of kindness make a big difference, especially when a school is a place where those acts of kindness come from many adults and peers.

What has been the most satisfying aspect of your work?

Seeing the Bean School where I worked for the last 18 years become a place where every student and every adult could count on support. Building a network of colleagues in this work who inspire and teach each other, including Denise Koebcke, school librarian in Indiana who involved a majority of her middle school students in helping others, Wayne Sakamoto, the School safety officer in southern California who gets members of different High School cliques and gangs talking with each other, Dee Lindenberger in Michigan and Michelle MacPherson in New Brunswick, Canada, who empower youth to help each other, Chuck Saufler in Maine who integrates bullying prevention and restorative justice, Stuart Green in New Jersey who organized a powerful statewide coalition for change, Celia Arriaga who has brought bullying prevention interventions to Latin America, and..... The list goes on.

I would also add the work Dr. Charisse Nixon and I are doing in surveying more than 13000 teens to bring their voices into this discussion.

Then I think of the abused child at my school who made all my and our work worthwhile by her summary of how she has become a strong, positive, kind person despite years of abuse and neglect. She said:"I bring the way school is home with me." I feel blessed to have been part of the work educators do in making schools places of healing, safety, and growth for all.

Standing ovations are hard to pull off online but you deserve one, Stan. Although, having met you several times, it's doubtful that you would consider that important.

Who's tomorrow's winner?
Hint: One thing that Stan and tomorrow's featured expert have in common: they're both fathers.

It's a Good Time to Talk to your School About Next Year's plans for Bullying Prevention

Some schools around the country are already out for the year. In the East, where I live, they only have a couple of more days before they're free!

Even if your school is already in vacation mode, it's a good time to send them an email or a note to ask "What's up?" for next year.

If you don't already have a bullying prevention program in place, here are a couple of suggestions to get started.

Programs have to engage the following stakeholders: Principals, teachers, after school staff, lunch monitors, parents, and finally, the kids.

Here are some simple and cost efficient ways to get started:

Principals and Teachers: Check out this three day conference in NYC hosted by the Center for Social and Emotional Education and suggest that someone in the school or school district go for professional training. I've met with this group and I have a lot of respect for their work. School climate is a critical and complicated subject which requires professional guidance. Information learned at the conference can be shared with all other adults in the building that interact kids, including after-school staff. If it's not possible to come to NYC, there are other organizations that host them in different parts of the country.

Parents: Enlist the support of the other parents while you're at barbeques or the pool. Believe me, it's a subject that hits a nerve with more parents than you would have guessed. There's safety in numbers and instead of complaining about kids bullying other kids, do something about it. Start forming a group of interested parents to come up with resources and age appropriate ideas that the school can incorporate when the new school year comes around.

A book I found inspiring is Schools Where Everyone Belongs by Stan Davis. I love the title. It's a positive message that he reinforces over and over again with good clear examples of the challenges and how to overcome them.

And since we can't forget that the kids also live in an online world, I suggest the following web sites: Common Sense Media and iKeepSafe. They have tremendous resources for homes and schools. The government also offers free booklets about online safety and they're great: Netcetera.

Students: Two great books that can jump start an anti-bullying or leadership campaign in elementary schools: Have You Filled a Bucket Today and One. It's amazing what happens when you put older kids together with younger kids to read these two books and discuss them. With a little guidance, kids mentor each other better than we ever could.

There are dozens of ways to approach school climate and bullying issues. Just start somewhere. Something unexpected happened when I started a home grown campaign at a local school. Kids weren't necessarily expecting miracles but things seemed to improve simply because someone was paying attention to the problem. Some kids were relieved that we were bringing up the subject. Once again, it was proof that we don't always know what's going on in their minds or their world.

So have a frozen concoction, preferably with a little umbrella, and starting getting creative.

What Happens When You Turn Away?

I was sick this past week and wanted a good book to distract myself. A friend suggested "Sarah's Key," The New York Times bestseller by Tatiana De Rosnay. Sounded light and just what I needed. I was probably the only one in the world who didn't know it was about the Holocaust. I didn't know if I had the energy to take on such a heavy subject but the way the author weaved the story connecting the past with the present was so engaging. I finished it in a day.

Although, over the years we've learned so much about the extreme nature of people's behavior during that horrible time in history -- those that hated and caused pain and destruction and those that risked their lives to help -- Sarah's Key made me want to honor those compassionate souls who didn't turn the other way. It was so difficult for them.

Don't we want to raise heroes? Compassionate souls who don't turn away. I suppose we have to lead by example and say "Not on my watch will I let another person cause anguish." It's a lesson we can learn from the past.

What is our role as bystanders? I came across a great expression coined by a group called School Climate. It's "upstanders." An upstander is a bystander who steps up. I really like that distinction because bystanders come in different forms:

Assistants - who actively join in the attack
Reinforcers - who give positive feedback to the bully, perhaps by smiling or laughing
Outsiders - who stay back, stay quiet and thereby condone the bullying behavior
Defenders - who try to intervene to stop the bullying or comfort the target. (Upstanders!)

There is a long list of ways that kids can be an "upstander." They can help by going to an adult or surrounding the target, or not participating in the mean-spirited behavior. Whatever their comfort level is. It's important not to force a child to do something they don't feel capable of such as confronting the bullies but it is important to empower them by giving them choices of ways they can help. Witnesses, like victims, feel the affects of bullying: stomach aches, lack of concentration, sadness. We have the power to empower them.

A book I'd like to suggest is Stan Davis' Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention.

And as I tell the kids, "The best leaders teach by example." We can all brush up on our upstander skills.

What Really Works When You're Trying to Stop a Bully?

A really cool survey just came out. Youth Voice Project is the first known large scale research project reaching out to kids to specifically pinpoint what strategies work and which ones make things worse when it comes to bullying. More than 11,000 teens in 25 schools have participated.

Kids were asked about the possible ways of handling bullying. If you were ever bullied, you might identify with the following choices:

• Hit Them or Fight Them

• Make Plans to Get Back at Them

• Tell the People to Stop

• Walk Away

• Pretend It Didn't Bother You

• Tell an Adult at School

• Make a Joke About It

• Remind Yourself that It's Not Your Fault

• Tell a Friend

• Tell an Adult at Home

Read Youth Voice Project and find out which one of these works and which don't. Fascinating.

Stan Davis, author of two great books, "Schools Where Everyone Belongs" and "Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention" is co-author of this study. After reading his first book, I thought there's hope to improve this situation. He's never shy about getting down to the misconceptions and telling you what it's really like in a school.

This study is rather brave. It's honest and gives incredibly helpful information. The take away for me is that adults need to know a lot more about handling bullying if we're going to be the ones that kids come to for guidance. Some of the things we've been doing or saying don't work. Plain and simple.

Just one example: after reading this and especially if you're a teacher, you'll never want to tell a child "not to tattle" again. The numbers don't lie. It backfires.

School Bullying Expert Weighs In!

Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs: Practical Strategies for Reducing Bullying stopbullyingnow kindly agreed to give his expert opinion on Tricia’s bullying situation. His book is extremely well researched; he actually works in a school, actually likes kids and has actually lowered the bullying rate at his and other schools.

Stan’s thoughts on Tricia’s mom’s approach:

Be Careful How You Advise
First, he cautions, kids go to adults only because they’ve tried to handle the problem in multiple ways first and couldn’t. Adults have to be very careful on how to advise kids who’ve already tried different approaches, such as “yelling back and not taking any nonsense.” You don’t want to make them feel like they’re failing at the solution.

Don’t Empathize with the Bully
But, he told me, it’s great that Tricia’s mom didn’t empathize with the bullies. So many parents make the mistake of explaining the bully’s behavior in kind ways, such as “they didn’t mean it,” or “they were feeling bad about themselves.” As Stan puts it, “tormentors don’t need that type of support.” Reserve that empathy for the kids being tormented.

Bullying Can Drive Parents Crazy
Stan also understands why Tricia’s mom stood up and confronted the kids on the bus. She was desperate to solve something. Since the school’s actions were ineffective, Tricia’s mom needed something to happen. But, Stan says, “It probably won’t work.”

Schools Should Mirror Workplaces
Schools have to create strict guidelines that mirror the workplace where workers are not allowed to impede the work process and adversely affect the financial bottom line. The bottom line at schools is the learning process.
Just having teachers randomly talk to kids about bullying goes nowhere. As Stan says, “That’s like having Nancy Reagan stand up and tell people not to take drugs.”

They don’t listen.

Tangled Ball’s bottom line: The school needs Stan’s book