Young Kids, Bullying Prevention and Inspiring Leaders

What perfect timing.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month and this morning I had a great conversation with an elementary school principal.  She brought up a great point.  She was worried that kids seem to react the opposite way when they host a bullying prevention assembly in the school.

She says that during the days immediately following the assembly, she gets a flood of kids coming to her telling her hat they've been bullied but  somehow, the kids it was supposed to affect -- the kids who are actually being mean -- don't get the message at all.

This is not to say that all assemblies are bad.  It's possible that the messages that experts are delivering in assemblies are getting through to a certain number of kids but how do you make sustainable change in a school?

Just as there are multiple problems complicating the bullying issue, there are multiple solutions.  When I talk about solutions, I'm talking about ways to improve the school climate.  I don't think "bullying" can be wiped out completely but I do think we can change the balance in the school to one that feels safe and somewhat nurturing.  We also have to know how to help when a child has been bullied because it will continue to happen no matter what prevention measures you put into place.  The goal is to have every child feel confident -- but they will never be totally immune to mean behavior.

I think the focus has to change from "bullying" to "leadership," especially when you're talking to kids K-8.

Last week, my friend Nancy and I went to an evening sponsored by NBC's outreach effort, Education Nation.  The topic was bullying and it was co-hosted by correspondent, Kate Snow.  One of the guest panelists was Izzy Kalman, founder of Bullies2Buddies.  He is a self-described opponent of the anti-bully movement.  His theory is that we have to start teaching kids to stand up for themselves.  He says it's the frustration of being a victim that leads to bad things -- like mass shootings and self harm.

His counterpart on the panel was Thomas Krever, Executive Director of the Hetrick-Martin Institute and although they disagreed on some of the approaches to kids being bullied, they seemed to come to a similar conclusion.

Although they didn't say it in these exact words, it comes down to teaching kids to be leaders.

Sound simple?  Simple concept and a lot of hard work to get there.  It has to start really young.  Pre-K and Kindergarten are not too early.

Leadership is the anti-bully.  If we can teach children from a young age how to be leaders,  there will be a better climate in the classroom.  A happier place leads to a more thoughtful place.  I really think all teachers and parents should read Stan Davis's book,  Schools Where Everyone Belongs.

In a way, I wish October could be We Need More Leaders month.  To that end, there are free materials and suggestions on the Tangled Ball site.  Free because it's really important that we work together to give children back their childhoods.

(By the way, I hope Kate Snow has recovered.  Ms. Snow is no stranger to news stories about bullying but I don't think she could have been ready for the raw emotions that spilled over that night.  Although kids were in the room, it was the adults that shared the most about the scars that cruel behavior has left behind.  It was a reminder why it's so important to keep going.)

How To Help Prevent the Pain of Bullying

How is it that it's become almost common to read about young kids who have committed suicide due to bullying. Just this past weekend, it only took me a couple of minutes to find three news stories relating to three different kids growing up in three different places -- The Wall Street Journal, The Irish Times and KLAS-TV -- but who have one horrible thing in common. They took their own lives.

Are we in danger of thinking this is normal? Bullying is so complicated. A tangled mess of factors make it hard to tackle -- but there are things we can do.

A leading problem:

#1: Kids Feel Alone

Kids feel alone when they are bullied. For every horrible extreme tragic story of suicide, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of kids who are walking around with similar pain and are struggling to figure it out for themselves.

Experts usually advise kids to go tell someone -- a trusted adult.

Why is it that many kids don't tell an adult? Answer: They're afraid we don't really understand the situation and we'll make it worse. They are often right.

Part of a Solution?

Be the One Go-To Adult

We can start bridging this gap between adults and kids when they're young. We can empower them in school and home with an expectation on how to treat others and how to be treated, set a school climate where it's not cool to be the bully, and engage adults by guiding them in some basic "do's" and "don't's" when communicating with -- or acting on behalf -- of a child.

If kids feel we're not going to overreact -- or under react -- or not judge them -- or embarrass them, then they might start sharing more. We might be able to hear the pain in their voice and at the very least reassure them that they are valuable. If kids understand early on that they can get the validation they need to stop their emotions from spiraling, that skill may be invaluable as they get older.

I once heard an expert say, that as a child, you only need one person to get you in order to be ok. (It was Gary Neuman who helps, among others, children of divorce.) That's so hopeful, especially if we all understand that we can be that one person who makes a child feel like they're ok.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Kathryn Otoshi, author of One, and I are proud to have created materials for elementary schools that allow kids to identify their "Be the One Go-To Adult," (hopefully in advance of a problem) and provide the adults in their life with some basic tools and advice to help them "Be the One BEST Go-To Adult" possible.

We would be honored if you downloaded the Be the One Go-To Adult Certificate and the Be the One Go-To Adult Congratulatory Letter for your school or after school program. Could it mean life or death to a child? Maybe by using tools like these and working together we won't find out.

Sometimes It Just Takes One.

Kudos to KooDooz for Bullying and Cyberbullying Prevention Efforts

KooDooZ, a new kids' site using "social media for social good" is going directly to the source to help untangle one string at a time in this whole bullying mess. On Friday, September 23rd from 5:00 pm to 7:30 pm (PST) which of course is 8-10:30 (ET), KooDooz is presenting a unique panel discussion encouraging participation from children and adults from around the country. The event will be livestreamed. The live and livestream audiences can ask their questions through Twitter with the hash-tag #SMWLAyouth.

I asked Lee Fox, founder of KooDooZ to fill me in on the event:

Our format invites 6 youth panelists who have either been bullied; initiated an anti-bullying campaign; or been a bully in the past with hindsight.

In addition to the panelist participation, we have also been video interviewing over 40 kids and have compiled video clips of answers to 5 specific questions about bullying. Moderators asks a question, we run the video clip, the panel discusses. We then invite our live & livestream audiences to ask what's on their minds.

As a TownHall meeting, all concerned citizens and community members are encouraged to join in this conversation. We even suggest organizing sleep-outs and dinner parties from the comfort of your own homes, youth group centers and schools.

YOUTH PANELIST BIOS:



Kylie Morgan, 16yrs
Special guest singer / Song-writer Kylie Morgan dedicated her song, "Phoebe (It Matters What We Do)" to Phoebe Prince who tragically took her life after being bullied by classmates. Kylie is also a key spokesperson for PACER.org and will be performing her music live.

Faith G., 12
Faith moved around a lot after her parents got divorced at the age of 8. Once she settled into a new school, she became bullied because of her red hair and her pigeon toe condition. Sometimes the bullying got so bad, she didn't want to go to school. She found strength in her horse, Smartie and started using horse therapy to cope with the teasing at school.

Maya M., 12
Friends describe Maya as strong. She has to be-she's overcome a lot. Growing up with a mentally ill mother, Maya was abused and put down a lot by her. It got so bad, she contemplated suicide. Maya confided in her dad and began going to therapy. Now Maya uses art as a way to express her feelings.

Malik W. 15yrs
Malik has been on both sides of bullying. He's been bullied and he's also found himself being a bully. Through guidance and leadership programs, Malik was able to pull himself out of the vicious cycle of youth violence.

Alyssa P., 13yrs
Alyssa is often seen talking with people who seem lonely and is a valued member of the Bully Prevention Club at her school. Additionally she was selected as one of the finalists in this year’s TEEN TRUTH Film Festival for her video, “STAND”.

Tyler Page, 14yrs
Tyler asked youth in his leadership academy, Kids Helping Kids to adopt Rachel's Challenge, a bullying and violence abatement program after he experienced bullying abuse.


Funny. We often talk about bullying but we don't ask the kids directly, so by the time we offer advice, it's already out of touch. I encourage everyone who is interested in the subject of bullying to watch the livestream and if you have middle and or high school kids, watch with them. (And tell your school and/or youth group.) It's a great time to get their perspective. Invaluable!

Blood is Thicker than Water: Bullying Prevention and Intervention

Family Discusses WH Bullying Conference: MyFoxTWINCITIES.com

The role of the sibling is so powerful. A caring sibling can make all the difference and is one of the roles that doesn't get enough attention. Siblings are often better positioned to understand the subtleties of bullying. If they are compassionate, they can be confidantes and allies. Maybe they aren't on the scene when bullying happens, but they may be that one person that makes the target feel ok about themselves.

By now, most people are aware of the story of the Australian boy slamming another boy to the ground. There's a lot of talk about who's the villain and who's the victim but it sounds like neither one of them was having a good time of it at school. After watching an Australian talk show that interviewed both boys, I was really struck with one of the side stories. Casey Heynes, the bigger bullied boy who threw his much lighter bully to the ground, talked about how bad the bullying had been affecting him, including contemplating suicide. When the interviewer asked him what saved him, he said "my sister."

Unfortunately, bullying prevention can't prevent all bullying but if a child has anyone in their life that makes them feel safe and important, then the bullying will have less of an impact.

Sibling issues are hard but it's also part of early prevention. If we compliment our children when they're good to each other, perhaps they will continue to value that role.

In a recent post about PACER, it was mentioned that the organization was invited to the White House Summit on Bullying Prevention. One of the PACER parent advocates, Lynn Miland, was asked to attend with her two girls. Kelly is 19 and on the autism spectrum and was bullied a lot in school. Her 16-year old sister, Maggie, is a junior in high school and is obviously an advocate. They both deserved to be invited to the WH. It represented the power of family.

This is what they had to say about the summit:

Kelly: It was so amazing you had to be there to believe it!! The President wants to prevent bullying in any way, shape or form. It will definitely make a big difference in this world. If you want to make a difference, then you need to hear about what people like me have gone through. We don't want any more kids to take their lives because of bullying.

Maggie: People think that bullying is a normal part of growing up, however I know that isn't true. I am thankful that President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama agree. I am confident that we have only seen the beginning of the fight to end bullying and the rest will come as more people become aware and involved.

Siblings can also watch each other's backs online. If we teach our children to look out for each other, it's amazing what they can accomplish-- and we can't. Older responsible siblings may have a bigger impact on teaching the younger ones the rules of the online road -- and we may never know about it. Were you ever the brother or sister who had to warn a sib about drinking? Were you ever the sibling that stopped a rumor about your brother or sister...or told them to stay away from a certain crowd...or were you ever a sibling that benefitted from a kind word when you were feeling like a loser?

Things haven't changed all that much. Blood is still thicker than water. A good sibling can be a lifesaver.

Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper. Ever Heard of Them?

Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper definitely deserve a Tangled Ball Award. Tangled Ball is all about engaging more people in this dialogue, raising awareness and inspiring folks to actively do what they can to blunt the long tail of pain that bullying causes.

This issue has needed high profile celebrities to step up and Ellen and Anderson have done just that. It's great to have that power to reach so many people. If I could choose a super power, that would be it.

Ellen is encouraging people to donate to three different organizations. All of them are good. Tangled Ball particularly likes Pacer. (More on them in a future post.)

And Ellen and Anderson, if you read this, contact me. The more people we reach, the better off kids will be...and Tangled Ball is ready, willing and able to help.

Who's Making A Difference...and Why?

One more day until October's Bullying Prevention Awareness Month...and the beginning of Tangled Ball's month long shout out to people stepping up. On each of the 31 days, Tangled Ball will feature an expert in the field whose work benefits parents, schools and most importantly, kids.

There are great experts out there doing fantastic work. You should know about them.

How were they chosen? Completely and unapologetically subjectively. Through conventions, research and word of mouth, Tangled Ball found professionals in their fields that are proactive, inclusive, smart, realistic and compassionate. Included in the bunch are authors, researchers, Ph.Ds, filmmakers and speakers. The one thing they all have in common is they're brave. Bullying is a Tangled Ball issue. It's not easy to fix but it hasn't stopped these advocates. The more we know, the better the chances that kids will have an easier time of it. These award winners deserve our attention and applause because every child has the right to feel good about themselves.

In addition to these professionals, Tangled Ball will be featuring regular folks who perhaps don't start their name with Dr. but who in their own way and in their own world are stepping up. It could be a teacher, coach, parent, crossing guard, lunch lady, aunt, uncle, grandparent and/or especially a kid! (And hey, I didn't mean to discriminate against doctors, if you know one who deserves it, go ahead and nominate.)

Their name and a brief description of what makes them special will be added to a post every day. In other words, every person you submit will get a shout out during October. It's not the Oscar, but sometimes people need a high five, slap on the back and a big fat Thank You. That's the Tangled Ball Award! These are the people that will inspire others to be upstanders.

Nominations can be sent to thetangledball@gmail.com or you can scroll down and talk about them in the comments box. I'll publish the comment during October. Can't wait to hear from you!