Plz Help Me

I've taken my foot off the pedal the past few months.

I have to admit to fatigue.  At times, I feel like a cheerleader for a team that only wins a few games a year and can't seem to fill a stadium.

The issue of bullying finally started getting some attention for, unfortunately, tragic reasons. First there was Columbine, then national stories of young kids and suicide and then along came Bully, the documentary that exposed some of the unthinkable ways peers treat each other.

Politicians, including the President, jumped in, laws were created and companies started sponsoring bullying prevention initiatives.  All good but I fear bullying will become the latest issue to fade into the background of the national consciousness just like homelessness or AIDS or the environment.  In other words, if you're in it for the long haul, you have to deal with the boomerang effect.  When I talk about bullying prevention, I can now see that dreaded look in people's eyes that say, "Been there, done that."

Plz Help Me

Just when I started thinking that I was wasting my time,  I opened my email and there was an anonymous message that simply read, "Plz help me."  I tried to reach back but there was no way to do it.   It originally was sent to me through a thread on The Bully Project web site.   Luckily I saw that they list a help line and because I haven't stopped worrying about this person, I hope they reached out.

It doesn't matter if bullying is the topic du jour.  It is still a source of incredible pain for thousands of kids and their parents. Missing out on a lighthearted childhood is it's own tragedy.

My area of interest in this big tangled ball of a mess called "bullying" is the bigger topic of resilience and leadership.  My theory is that we have to start focusing on character education at a much younger age and parents need to be at the center of the effort.  It needs to be simple, affordable, sustainable, creative and positive.

In the fall, I will start a series for young parents on how to nurture leadership skills at home and encourage it in school because the more "little leaders" in the classroom, the less likely bullying will be a big problem.  Good all around.

In the meantime, I like to share really good resources.  My pick of the day is the book "Wonder," by R.J. Palacio.  The truth is that kids perceived as "different," whether it's a learning, physical or emotional challenge are picked on.  Wonder will inspire you to be a better parent and will give you an insight to the true meaning of leadership, resilience and spirit.

If you're reading this, it means you care, too.  Thank you.

No Such Thing As A Bully

The reason I invested so much of my time in The Bully Project in it's development stage is because I feel strongly that people need to see the problem in order to fix the problem. Bully allows us to see and feel a child's pain and now we need to do something about it.

My goal is to share info on good tools and resources for homes and schools so that after the movie leaves the theaters and the press around the issue dies down, you'll have what you need to make a difference.

I've been following the "No Such Thing As A Bully" campaign for a while. Founders Kelly Karius and Ron Graham have a compelling approach. Their tag line is Shred a Label, Save a Child. They clearly focus on the behavior and allow children to grow in the process. They feel that so much can be accomplished through skill building. It's one thing to tell a child to not to bully -- or to stick up for themselves -- or step up for one another, it's another to train them how to do those things.

Check out their resources. The introduction to the parent's resource guide says that it's a lifetime resource. Bravo Kelly and Ron. This is a lifetime issue and in just recognizing that fact alone and helping a child develop lifetime skills, gives me hope.

I've never met Ron but have talked to Kelly several times and follow her on Facebook. She has great perspective and (thank, God!) a sense of humor, but she got serious when talking about their new No Such Thing As a Bully program:

What inspired you to create your own bullying prevention program?

When I was a brand new social worker, I was asked by 20 sets of parents to advocate for their children, who they felt were being bullied by an adult in the school. What I lived for the next two years astounded me. I saw bully actions in every level of the school, from students, to adults, to bureaucracy, to government. I saw a lack of skills like listening, problem solving, negotiating, empathizing, and understanding. It made me realize that we can't focus a resolution to bullying on what we think kids need to learn. Walk away, ignore and tell someone....those are tools that only work if the adults around children have a certain skill set. I saw the need for a program that was not only comprehensive, but also easy to use and integrate into every day life.


What is at the core of the program?

The bystander is at the core of this program. Which means every child. When I talk to students I don't seek to find out who the 'bullies' and the 'victims' are. I seek to encourage children to become strong bystanders. I tell them, "It doesn't matter if you've used bully actions, or been on the receiving end of bully actions. It's time for a clean start. You are all BYSTANDERS, and I'm going to teach you how to be good bystanders. The program is about skill building, self knowledge and self regulation. When we (adult AND child) can recognize a bully action and feel strong enough to step up and say "Hey, it's not okay to treat (her, him, me) like that", then we're well on the way to solving the problem. The other core part of the program is skillbuilding. When anyone is able to communicate well, manage their fight or flight reaction, balance their thinking and build their own confidence then they are less likely to use bully actions or victim responses, and more able to stand up for others.


What are students getting from it and were you surprised by anything that came out of the program that you didn't expect?

I've been planning really well for this, so there aren't too many surprises, but there are a lot of things that I love. When we piloted our first Community Immersion (a whole week in a school!), the kids were incredible. I love the girl that came up to me and said "Look! Here is my list of 30 ways that I'm going to use the anxiety equation!" I loved teaching for three days, and then hearing the bullying prevention team that was being created use the words "bully action" and create role plays that focused on being a great bystander - without my help. I loved the final assemblies where hands went up and up and up about what they'd learned over the week. I loved hearing children say "I don't have to believe the negative things I think about myself." The screaming applause at the end - THAT was a surprise. I appreciated that for myself because it meant they liked me, but I appreciated it even more because it meant that the kids accepted and needed the material.

And best of all, in follow-up with the school, I know the material is being incorporated into the classrooms, the lessons plans, and one-on-one with students. The solution isn't in the one time appearances. It's in our every day.

So true, Kelly. IT'S IN OUR EVERY DAY.

You Won't Forget The Bully Project

The Bully Project premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival this past week. Since I had been involved with the film in its early stages, I took my 17-year old son to see it. It got a standing ovation.

It got a standing O for a couple of reasons, I suspect. First, it's an outstanding piece of cinematography and the audience of film lovers probably appreciated the talent of director Lee Hirsch. But above and beyond the beautiful camera work, the subject matter and the subjects themselves -- a handful of families and kids deeply and sometimes tragically affected by bullying -- took your breath away. You wanted to crawl into the screen and hug the kids and their parents and beg the misguided school administrators to stop talking and tie back the hands of the bullies on the bus.

It got to everyone. We sat in the front row but you could tell how deeply affected the audience was by the gasps, jeers and the constant sniffling that comes with tears.

This is a brave film, not only from the standpoint of the director's work but also by producer Cynthia Lowen's ability to convince the families of the bullies that this needs to be seen. Although there are definitely villains and victims, I applaud the Sioux City, Iowa school system for being the ultimate brave souls in this film. It reminds me of ABC's Hopkins 24/7 that aired several years back. As I worked on the promotion of that groundbreaking documentary series, I couldn't help but be in awe of Johns Hopkins Hospital for letting the country inside a very reputable -- but not perfect -- hospital. I feel the same way about Sioux City. It's a sacrifice to be vulnerable.

So if you're interested -- which there's a good chance you might be if you're one of the caring souls that follow blogs like Tangled Ball -- go to their facebook page or The Bully Project web site. We can figure this whole tangled mess out together.

The Bully Project

I defy you to look at this trailer for The Bully Project and not understand that our kids are suffering.

Sometimes it's hard to walk into a classroom and be able to identify who, along with their backpack, is carrying this heartache around with them.

Is it necessary? I really don't think so and if you don't think so, either, consider making a donation to this film. I'm thrilled that the White House hosted a bullying summit. I have confidence that good things will come from that meeting...but I think this documentary will make the biggest positive impact to date. FYI: The Bully Project will be featured at the Tribeca Film Festival on April 23rd.

We need to untangle more strings faster because at the core of this tangled ball mess of an issue, is the heart of a child. We can either stand by and watch it break or we can step in and make sure it remains whole.

The Bully Project and All the Families Affected by Severe Bullying

The Bully Project will be featured on tonight's 20/20 on ABC at 9/8C.

Award-winning director Lee Hirsch and co-producer Cynthia Lowen were featured in a Tangled Ball Award post at the beginning of the month. I think the Long family and all the others featured tonight and in the film deserve one, too.

Tune in but grab some tissues first. Then go for your wallet and contribute to this film. As a country, we have to engage more people in creating more solutions in this escalating and damaging issue. A film goes a long way to help. Let's honor all the families who will never be the same.

Seriously, we can all do SOMETHING.

We won't be sorry we stepped up.

The Bully Project

Some are Waiting for Superman. I'm waiting for The Bully Project.

Award-winning filmmaker Lee Hirsch's The Bully Project is a labor of love and promises to expose the true nature of bullying. Lee, and co-producer Cynthia Lowen, had unprecedented full access to the schools in Sioux City, Iowa and have travelled the country following stories and talking to the families of kids pushed beyond the brink.

A documentary goes a long way in making people pay attention. To fix it, you have to see it and feel it. Having been bullied himself as a child, Lee is determined to make a film that accurately portrays the pain it causes. The film will be accompanied by a thorough outreach campaign to maximize it's impact and to offer solutions to this insidious problem.

What's really admirable is that Lee and Cynthia set off on this journey before this rash of recent bullycide incidents happened and before the media started to pay attention. Their commitment has never wavered. The Bully Project is down the home stretch but like any good film, it needs financial support to hit it home. And boy do we need it now.

Want to donate? You won't be sorry. Go to IndieGoGo. It's really easy.

Even though they've been in the editing room 24/7, they were kind enough to answer the following questions:

After travelling and filming so many kids, what do you find is the most discouraging part of this problem?

I think the hardest thing about bullying is the scope of the problem. This is violence that crosses gender, racial, socio-economic boundaries, it is something that is found in every school in every community in the United States. After filming with four families who lost their children to suicide over the 2009/2010 school year, and in the wake of three more suicides just this past month, I don't think there could be a greater sense of urgency that this is something we have to start working to find solutions to. I think something else that is difficult about bullying is that when things get out of hand, it is often the failure of good people, who are trying their best, who don't necessarily have the tools they need to effectively deal with bullying, or who don't have the capacity to deal with the issue until there is a crisis, as has been the case with some of the communities who have tragically lost children to suicide. What we are in part trying to do with this film, is to give kids and adults the opportunity to talk about bullying and find solutions out of something other than crisis to positively effect change and implement great school climates.

What's the most encouraging?

One of the most encouraging things we saw over the course of this school year is the difference one person can make in the life of a bullied child, and that kids who are empowered to intervene in bullying situations have a huge capacity to make the conflict stop. While the scope of the bullying problem might seem huge, a big part of the solution is creating school climates and a broader sense in our culture, that it is not okay to stand by and watch someone be bullied, and that every child and adult has the power to effectively intervene and prevent it from taking place.

Agreed. And one film can make a HUGE difference. We need The Bully Project. It will save young lives and spare families.

Head's Up: Lee will be interviewed tomorrow morning (Monday, Oct.4th) on CNN's American Morning (show airs from 6-9am). Check it out.

Who's tomorrow's Tangled Ball Award winner?
Hint: School climate is where it's at...and this group is getting us there. They're "upstanders!"

The Bully Project: Alex

Alex is one of the featured students in the upcoming feature-length documentary, The Bully Project. It's hard not to feel the pain of bullying after seeing this clip.

Plain and simple: Kids like Alex need someone -- anyone -- to step up. It's our job to teach our kids to step up. It's our job to step in.

Alex from The Bully Project: "Some Kids Get Enjoyment from Seeing Other Kids Hurt."

If you saw Alex Perry in the school hallway, you might not guess that this is what she was thinking.

There are many kids like Alex in schools. We just have to see them, step up and not let other "kids get enjoyment from seeing other kids hurt."

It doesn't matter whether it's a teacher, coach, counselor, peer, or parent. You don't need a degree to help. You just need compassion and a willingness to step up. Or in other words, be an "upstander."

Kids with special needs are more likely to get bullied. That doesn't say much for our society. If you are a parent of a child with special needs, a good resource is Smart Kids with LD. It has good information on how to help your child interact with peers which increases the chances of a positive school experience.

The "Alex" clip is from The Bully Project, the first feature length documentary about peer to peer abuse. If you want to donate to The Bully Project, IndieGoGo makes it easy.

The Bully Project: Alex

When I get a little tired and think, "Why did I decide to take on bullying? This is too big and too hard. My career in television and public relations was fine," I think about Alex.

Alex has Asperger's and although I don't have a child with Asperger's, I feel responsible for all the kids that do who go to school and are bullied. Kids with Asperger's are 6 times more likely to be bullied and it doesn't make sense.

The Bully Project is the first feature length documentary to take on this issue. It provides an insight into what kids go through but it's goal is to provide solutions as well.

If you want to be a part of the success of this film and care to donate, IndieGoGo makes it easy. Alex and all the kids profiled in the film are worth it.

Bullying: My Name is Alex...

Currently in production, The Bully Project is the first feature documentary film about bullying. Bullying numbers are big: over 5 million kids per year get bullied; over 160,000 per day don't go to school because they're afraid, more than half of the kids online say they have been harrassed.

But numbers are numbers. Here are some of the faces.

When problems are so big, so tangled, so insidious, it needs a powerful film to get people out of their comfort zones and create change. I know the kids featured in the film would appreciate your help, as well as the other 4.999 million kids who are suffering due to peer abuse. It doesn't make sense to let this continue.

Some of us feel like this problem is so big that we can't make a difference. Here's how each one of us can make a statement about helping kids and protecting their physical, mental and emotional well being. Go to IndieGoGo and donate: The Bully Project