Safety in Numbers: Parents and Schools Working Together in Bullying Prevention

Recently, my cousin was telling me about her sixth grade son, Tom, who was being excluded. It seemed to start all of a sudden. A big group of "friends" started to go to Wendy's after school but would make a big point that he wasn't included. I don't have to tell you what that does to not only the child, but the parent. It's so confusing and hurtful. Not only were the kids friends up until now, the parents had always been friends, too.

This is a tough one. Anger is the first reaction. It's incredibly hard to not want to dismember 12 year-olds but my cousin held it together (for the most part -- of course, she couldn't help but give the smug kids the "hairy eyeball" when she dropped him off to school.)

She kept it to herself except to tell a few trusted family members until one day when another mother noticed her change in attitude. She was not as friendly as she usually is to the other moms and a bit sad and frustrated. When the other mom asked my cousin if there was anything wrong, she calmly explained that she was disappointed in the class and explained the facts. (This is an important detail -- stick to the facts.) Of course, she cried a little bit but that's to be expected.

Guess what? It's one of the few times that the other parent did EXACTLY the right thing. It dawned on her that her own son, Conor, was one of the "bullies" and had to be corrected. She corrected her son without making a big deal out of it and made sure he included everyone the next time they got together as a group. It didn't end there, though. The other kids then excluded the TWO of them. Shocked, Conor confronted the group as they sat in a Subway restaurant. Their excuse -- there's not enough seats. Totally untrue.

Next step? One of the popular eighth graders saw this whole thing unfold and invited Tom and Conor to join him and his friends at a pizza parlor.

The eighth grader went home and told his mom what had happened. She encouraged the other moms to talk to their kids and it hasn't happened since. They all gather after school and go to a local fast food restaurant. They may not all be best friends, but they all feel included.

The moral of this story: When parents ban together to do the right thing and in the right way, kids do the right thing... and cool eighth graders should be cloned.

After the White House Summit on Bullying last week, the PTA announced new materials that parents can use to help their schools diminish the incidences of all types of bullying.

Parents are absolutely key. Hopefully, these materials will be a helpful FREE Resource for parent groups who want to step in.

Schools, Parents, Internet Safety and the New Year

Internet Safety! Horrors! Where do we begin?

Recently, I noticed a few basic disconnects when it comes to elementary school-aged children and teaching Internet Safety basics. There's an information gap between school and home. Most schools now have a computer class. The computer teachers I spoke with talk about Internet Safety in class. But where is there a need to actually practice Internet Safety? In the home, of course. Who is the teacher in the home? The parent, of course.

Many parents are tech savvy but many more are not and it's created a generation gap of sorts. It may close as younger parents come up the ranks but in the meantime, it's a dangerous gap. Although it's a big scary subject, it can be manageable with the right tools and good basic information, especially if parents and schools communicate.

In preparation for a parent workshop, I came across this "one-stop shopping" resource: Net Cetera. Their downloadable tools are awesome and I also ordered the booklet for several schools to share with parents at workshops and to send home to parents who couldn't attend. It's not People Magazine but it's an easy read. It's free and I've been able to order 500 at a time.

Parenting is so crammed with things we should do: immunizations, reading, test scores, sports, hygiene, cleaning, play dates, haircuts, feeding, clothes buying, washing and folding. (Who am I kidding? The folding doesn't actually get done in my house but you get the drift.) Sometimes it's too much in a day to do but unfortunately, just like teaching our kids "stranger danger," Internet Safety is on the "must do" list.

I've done a little work for you. Here's a sample letter that can be sent home from school with the Net Cetera booklet and bookmark. It can be signed by the principal, assistant principal, computer teacher or PTA President. It's a start to closing the gap in a simple, effective way.

Dear Parent,

A brand new year is a good time to set priorities and to focus on all the good things we want to achieve for our children and ourselves.

In that spirit, we are sending home this booklet from Net Cetera, which is full of information and tips regarding online safety.
As your children get older, their dependence on technology for help with schoolwork and connecting with friends becomes stronger. In most cases, the Internet is a fantastic resource.

Realistically, though, we can’t be 100% comfortable with all it has to offer. For example, statistically, one out of four children are bullied online. There’s also the issue of “digital literacy,” predators and privacy issues. In other words, you can’t believe everything you read – or trust everyone you meet -- on the Internet. Our children will be safer and happier if we take the time to be informed. Simple tips, such as where you place the computer or rules on cell phone usage, will help protect them and help you sleep better at night, too.

Students at (name of school) learn about Internet Safety issues in computer class. Since the majority of their computer and cell phone time is outside of the classroom, we want to ensure you have the proper information to reinforce these lessons at home.

We hope you find this booklet helpful. It doesn’t take long to read but it may save you hours of worry.

Sincerely,


(Principal, Parent Coordinator, PTA President, or Computer Teacher)


It's amazing what can come from one little letter bridging the most important teachers in a child's technology driven life.

Bullying, Cyber Bullying. Where Do We Start?

The Phoebe Prince story still has me reeling. And unfortunately it's not the first suicide of a young teen that has had me perplexed, horrified and saddened. It's so preventable... but where do we start?



I have had two very good experiences in schools over the past week: one small Catholic elementary school and a fairly large public middle school. In the former, I gave a parenting workshop on bullying and online safety. My theory is that both have to be addressed at once. It's one world -- schoolyard to cell to home computer -- for kids. Although adults tend to think of being online and offline, it's one line for kids.

Treating peers well, therefore, is an option no matter where kids are at the moment. Notice I said, "treating peers WELL is an option." In my experience, if you make kids feel like a hero, they will rise to the occasion. Especially if you start early.

Bullying and cyber bullying are out of hand. Where do we start? Community by community until a national leader(s) steps up to create a thorough national campaign that makes treating others poorly very uncool.

That brings me to the second school. I was impressed. A young principal and his assistant principal and other interested professionals in the building became aware of cyber bullying. They pulled out all the stops. Sent numerous email blasts regarding to make parents aware, had a representative for the local district attorney's office come to speak to all 1500 of the students and then held a parents' meeting at night. Turnout was fairly low but that's not the point. They held it not knowing what the turn out would be. And they encouraged those who did come (in all fairness, a big snowstorm was coming) to get involved and HELP the school HELP the kids.

That's putting yourself out there. And that's what we need. Schools to be open and say, "Everyone under the tent. We're in this together."

It's no one's fault that there's a generation gap but it is our fault if we recognize the gap and don't try to close it.

As a first step, I ask all schools to do what this school did. Put it out there, start the (tangled) ball rolling. For schools that don't know where to begin, put together an objective (or as objective as humanly possible and be a parent) committee to start doing research for the school. The goals of the committee could be researching good resources, including speakers, free, age-appropriate, researched and downloadable product, thorough programs such as Olweus that involve the entire school community -- including parents, lunch ladies, teachers and coaches. Whatever fits the personality, mission, and budget of the school. Speaking of budget, a secondary goal of the committee could be to raise funds for high-quality programs.

Caution: The committee should act as an information gatherer not a complaint department for individual incidences.

Hosting events that train parents on research-based solutions would be a huge step in the right direction.

You catch my drift (the snowstorm made me say that). Start somewhere. Parents and witnesses/bystanders are a good place to start.

To help get you started, click on prior post: Helpful Links. Here are just a few that endorse wholeheartedly. If you want more, let me know.

And Congratulations to both schools. You're brave but you won't be sorry.