Bullying, Forgiveness and a Little Summer Reflection

When someone hurts us or even worse, hurts our children, the anger can run deep.  Legitimately deep.

One of the knotted strings in the tangled ball of bullying is how our anger can eat us up.  It takes up our brain space and holds us back from anything positive.  The reality is, it's like being the target twice.  When you can't let it go, the resentment can have a negative life all its own.

Superstorm Sandy didn't bring many positives but it did bring me a new friend.  Maryann and her husband Ray are still trying to cope with rebuilding not only their home but their daughter's and Ray's brother's homes, as well.  In the midst of it all, they keep the local church (also damaged) going so that the community doesn't lose it's foundation, its rock.

Ironically, after many good discussions about tough transitions, Maryann saw that I needed as much help in coping with change as she did...and I still had my house.

She lent me T.D. Jakes book, Let It Go, and I stumbled upon some truly great advice.  I hope it helps you as much as it did me...

Similarly, when you allow someone else's reaction to determine your mood, you have built a room where you are helpless to control the climate.  When you forgive them and move on you bring the thermostat back into your room and you leave them in the hands of the conscience and their God!

 Of course you want to respond with grace to the repentant but the question begs an answer:  What do you do when the persons who caused you the most pain have not and will not admit, acknowledge, or repent for their part in your pain?  Simple answer, take the power back over your life and write it off.  Demanding that they make things right or have the quality of character to apologize also leaves them controlling the thermostat to a room you have to live in.

Mean people don't often apologize.  Ever.  That's why I think this is great advice for ourselves and a good lesson for our kids.  Sometimes people -- even if they've had a mean moment -- will say I'm sorry.  That's wonderful but others won't.  To expect that they will do the right thing will just fuel our rage even more and make the pain continue.

Something to ponder this hot summer:  Who's in charge of your thermostat?

It made me realize that some damage is more obvious than others and every house needs a "thermostat check" every now and then.

Maryann and Ray:  We're sending you good thoughts as you rebuild.

The Storm: Ray and Maryann's Story

Our House, Our Home from Jika González on Vimeo.

I'm so happy Jika Gonzalez, the creator of this piece, came to Staten Island to use her talents to tell the story of the Egers.  Nothing I can say can add to what she's already captured.  I asked her to tell her story and to share her thoughts since she followed the Egers (a four hour round trip every week from Manhattan's Upper west Side) and what it meant to her.

I was on assignment to tell a story about the rebuilding process in the aftermath of Sandy.  The Egers were the first family I met on day six after the hurricane, and I just decided to go with it. I wasn't really sure what the story I was going to tell was about, but there was something about the Egers that I was drawn to. They are incredibly strong and positive and they had an amazing attitude towards their situation.

A lot of the stories that came out after Sandy were about the insurance companies and FEMA, but what I felt was so powerful about the Egers was their history with New Dorp Beach. This story is about the emotional loss, and while there is a huge financial burden on them I wanted the viewer to understand what the family was going through.This story is not about losing the house or material things, but about the process of dealing with losing a home where you build your life in. I am really grateful that the Egers were so open to share the incredibly difficult process.

The Egers are natural leaders in their community, and the way they took on the rebuilding process is exemplary. Something incredible about the Egers and the New Dorp Beach community in general, was how everyone came together and helped each other out.

The media coverage of Sandy has withered as it always does but the victims of Sandy are still dealing with both material and emotional losses, and they will for a very long time. I am currently working on a story about the effects of Sandy on undocumented immigrants, which is a story that I don't think we have hear enough of.

Sometimes telling other people's stories with real grace, dignity and compassion is leadership, too.  Thanks, Jika!

When a Company Takes Leadership Seriously

As we begin 2013 with hope, it's ok to admit that the end of 2012 left the country, especially the Northeast, shaken.  The destruction of Sandy and the horror of Newtown, left a wake of uncertainty, a feeling of powerlessness, and a craving for leadership.

Sometimes, it's individual heroes that emerge and other times it's the leaders in the boardrooms who make the right decisions and offer the right direction to help us where they can.  

In response to these two separate tragedies, Scholastic stepped up.

Sandy Relief

Thanks to Scholastic, one million new books are being donated and delivered to affected schools who were in Sandy's path.  Although books are desperately needed in these communities, it is boilers, sheetrock, and basic equipment that need to be purchased first.  Dazed and strained, schools still need to do their job every day.  Education has to continue... but how do you encourage children to be lifelong readers and achievers if there aren't enough books?  Who is going to replace them when every dollar is already spoken for?  Enter Scholastic.  Books are on their way to these communities.  Sounds simple but as anyone knows who has worked on any type of relief effort, it's hard work to get to the point where trucks can be loaded up.

Unthinkable Connecticut Tragedy

How will we ever get our arms around what happened in Newtown?  Scholastic reacted quickly.  As a trusted source for teachers, Scholastic provided a steady hand and solid advice to teachers who had to walk back into their own schools to try to explain the inexplicable and to provide comfort to children and peers.  

President and CEO Dick Robinson's letter to teachers about Newtown is worth a read.  It's insightful and strikes me as a message of respect for their dedication and courage. 

Our hearts go out to the 20 families who lost their dear first-grade children. We mourn for the six adults — teachers, principal, and school psychologist — who gave their lives to protect their students at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Our shared grief is not enough, however, to honor their sacrifice. We ask our political leaders to take action against the presence of assault weapons so we can take at least one step toward ensuring a society where children and teachers are free to learn without concern of deadly attacks.  We also must work to mitigate the gun violence that affects some urban children on their way to school every single day. We count on teachers and public servants to shoulder the responsibility for our children’s safety, but we do not give them the support they need. Our society needs to increase the availability of school health resources, and to pass laws that will protect schools and children against gun violence.  

If you're a teacher or know one, you may also appreciate Scholastic's fantastic advice and resources, which I think would be helpful for any tragedy affecting the minds and hearts of school-aged children and everyone who works in schools.

The longer I live, the more I appreciate the value of leadership.  It comes in all forms and this time it came from a company who believes it has a responsibility to their customers because they're not just any customer.  They are the men and women who are leading our children in the classroom. 

Leadership and Friendship After Sandy: Tory's Kindness

As we think about the good and the bad of 2012, I wanted to share the much needed rays of hope and the stories of leadership that even in the bleakest times, give us reason to keep believing that people are good.

Why does someone who has no obligation to help others and who could easily just write a small check and send it to charity, feel compelled to go the extra mile?  Or better yet, the extra 150 miles, which is what Tory Johnson and her family did as they shuttled back and forth from the comfort of the Upper West Side of Manhattan to the bleakness of post-Sandy Staten Island to help people they had never met.

I was lucky enough to work with Tory years ago and if there's one thing I know about this dynamo is that she gets the most done in the shortest amount of time in the biggest way.  When she got inspired by Jon Bon Jovi's post storm tweet -- "We may not have electricity but we have power" -- she sprung into action.  Tory raised over $100,000 online. She promised to make sure that the money was spent directly to help the immediate needs of hard working families who lost everything in an instant on that scary October 29th.

Most people know Tory for her regular "Steals and Deals" segments on Good Morning, America and WABC.  Others know her as the founder and CEO of Women for Hire and Spark and Hustle or have read one of her books, but there are over 125 families on Staten Island who know her as a friend who stepped in when they needed it the most.

Tory and her husband, Peter, and their twins, did it the hard way.  After the money was raised, they came themselves to meet the families, listen to them, and then purchase what they needed to start the recovery process.  For many, buying a stove meant that they could finally have heat.  Purchasing tools meant that sheet rock could be replaced or a mechanics career could be saved.  Buying bedding finally meant a decent night's sleep.

But perhaps more importantly, asking questions meant someone was listening proving that they really weren't forgotten.

So many things struck me about their kindness.  Tory and her family are successful in their careers and their lives because they work at it.   They gave back to others the same way.  They didn't do it the easy way because they knew that to be a real help, they had to see it for themselves.   They gave it over 100%.

The result?  During the time I was with them as they walked down the aisles of Home Depot and handed out $500 gift cards to shocked but grateful affected families at an elementary school, I heard person after person, inviting Tory and Peter and their kids to come back after they've (hopefully) fully recovered to go to their block party or their holiday dinner next year or a barbecue in their back yard.

They are unexpected friends for life.  Sometimes it just takes one to get you through.

That's leadership.

Sandy Volunteers: Why I Came

Volunteers from Hudson Valley Community College

Troy, New York

How They Came?

After a student tried to get funding to bring a group to Staten Island and it fell through, the Hudson Valley Community College stepped up with the funds.  They were able to hire a bus to make the

 6 hour round trip.  

Why they came?  

"We just couldn't stay away."

Yesterday was a dark, rainy day which makes the destruction on Staten Island look even worse.  Bleak.  Seemingly unsurmountable.

It's the volunteers who just show up that provide the few rays of sunshine.

They come from all over.  A few blocks away, a few hours away, a few states away.

Most of them come in, help, and get out.  Never asking for a thing.  Not even a thank you.

These volunteers are the glue holding our affected neighborhoods together.

It's been six weeks since the storm and they still come.  As time goes on, it's even more important that they show up.  Some families want to give up until someone says two simple words:  "Need Help?"

I'd like to share some of the faces of those rays of hope.

Thank you to all who keep coming while much of the world moves on.

Thank you, Hudson Valley Community College!  Hope you had a warm and satisfying trip back to Troy.

If you have a volunteer you'd like me to highlight, please send along their story of kindness.  You can email me at thetangledball@gmail.com.

A Tree of Hope In a Sea of Sadness

These are not ordinary times on Staten Island.  For my neighbors in New Dorp, the days are full of feeling overwhelmed.  It's getting colder and confusion and sadness are growing deeper.  You would think, though, that as the holidays approach, the residents would give into despondency.

Uh-Uh.

Yesterday, I went to the sweetest Christmas decorating ceremony I've ever been to, and that includes the year that I was standing next to David Rockefeller as THE tree was being delivered to Rockefeller Center.

First, there was a Mass at Our Lady of Lourdes Church on Cedar Grove Avenue, which now looks like a war zone.  It was the coldest (still no electricity in the building) -- but yet the warmest -- Mass I have ever been to.  Storm or no storm, the church bells were rung at 9:30 am.  Those parishioners sticking it out in their homes all gathered.  We could literally see our breath but no one seemed to mind.

Immediately following, we went to the parking lot where a small plain tree just stood there waiting for about four dozen of us. There was no music and the scene in the background was impossible to describe.  Homes and delis that were there a month ago were gutted, torn apart by the surge of water and kneeling on the ground.  It was cold and dark but spirits lifted when ornaments were taken out of packages and passed around.

Other than a handful of us, most everyone else placing an ornament on the tree will not be able to have Christmas at home. And for some, not be able to celebrate at home ever again.

That didn't stop them from smiling, laughing and loving this little tree.  As we placed gold, red, blue and green balls on the tree and grown men strung the garland,  people forgot for a minute what they were going to do, where they would be and how they would get through that day and the next.

As a joke, two men had strung together an empty six pack and placed it at the bottom of the tree.  Nope. Sandy didn't rob them of their spirit!

It doesn't matter what holiday you're celebrating or what symbol you use to unify, please remember the people gathered around that little tree of hope.

Hurricane Sandy Comfort Campaign

If you want to do something to help someone who has been devastated by Sandy, consider donating to Tory Johnson's Hurricane Sandy Comfort Campaign, inspired by Bon Jovi's words, "We may not have electricity, but we have power."

No other words needed...except Happy Thanksgiving.

Sandy and Teaching Kindness

The date of my last post was October 29th.

Since then, things have changed on our Island of Staten.

I feel as if the Island has been through a war and everyone is shell-shocked.  Kindness hasn't been so important to our oxygen since 9/11.

As I walked this desperate neighborhoods a few days after the storm, it was amazing how many kids I saw helping out.  They came from all over -- grade schools, middle school, high schools and colleges.

This is a fine teachable moment and since kindness, empathy and leadership are the "anti-bully," I applaud each parent who is encouraging their children to help.

Our kids had so many happy moments in our former beloved beach house.  Many days of no tv, hanging out, being lazy, and just being kids.  It was supposed to become part of the NYC Parks Department.  Sandy had other plans.

Just being kids is such a gift.  Don't let anything take that away -- a storm -- or even a peer who decides that taking someone down a notch is a fun game.

It's a good time to get kids involved in helping others less fortunate.  It makes them pause before they diminish someone else's chance for a light-hearted childhood.

Thanks for all of your kindnesses in the past two weeks.  It's everything.