Bullying Can Stop a Soul from Singing

There's a line from another Rascal Flatt's song, "I'm Movin On," that says "you find strength in your moments of weakness."

If we can teach kids to find their strength even when others try to make them feel weak -- and to help others do the same-- we might save some lives.

One of the most difficult parts of working on the bullying issue is that you don't know who you're helping. You can look at a whole classroom of kids and not know who is hurting inside. That's why a mentoring program seems to be helpful. It's a way to cover everyone. It's a way to make sure that each child has someone that looks them in the eye and is happy to be with them --and it goes both ways. Sometimes it's the eighth grader who needs the validation from the first grader.

I knew I had to use this video when I saw the lyrics referring to the tangled thoughts. One of the questions asked is Was there anything more I could have said or done? Maybe it's about saying, doing -- and seeing. Making sure that someone sees and validates a young child's worth on a consistent basis is so important.

Why? It might be the reason someone stays on stage and finishes their beautiful song.

Blood is Thicker than Water: Bullying Prevention and Intervention

Family Discusses WH Bullying Conference: MyFoxTWINCITIES.com

The role of the sibling is so powerful. A caring sibling can make all the difference and is one of the roles that doesn't get enough attention. Siblings are often better positioned to understand the subtleties of bullying. If they are compassionate, they can be confidantes and allies. Maybe they aren't on the scene when bullying happens, but they may be that one person that makes the target feel ok about themselves.

By now, most people are aware of the story of the Australian boy slamming another boy to the ground. There's a lot of talk about who's the villain and who's the victim but it sounds like neither one of them was having a good time of it at school. After watching an Australian talk show that interviewed both boys, I was really struck with one of the side stories. Casey Heynes, the bigger bullied boy who threw his much lighter bully to the ground, talked about how bad the bullying had been affecting him, including contemplating suicide. When the interviewer asked him what saved him, he said "my sister."

Unfortunately, bullying prevention can't prevent all bullying but if a child has anyone in their life that makes them feel safe and important, then the bullying will have less of an impact.

Sibling issues are hard but it's also part of early prevention. If we compliment our children when they're good to each other, perhaps they will continue to value that role.

In a recent post about PACER, it was mentioned that the organization was invited to the White House Summit on Bullying Prevention. One of the PACER parent advocates, Lynn Miland, was asked to attend with her two girls. Kelly is 19 and on the autism spectrum and was bullied a lot in school. Her 16-year old sister, Maggie, is a junior in high school and is obviously an advocate. They both deserved to be invited to the WH. It represented the power of family.

This is what they had to say about the summit:

Kelly: It was so amazing you had to be there to believe it!! The President wants to prevent bullying in any way, shape or form. It will definitely make a big difference in this world. If you want to make a difference, then you need to hear about what people like me have gone through. We don't want any more kids to take their lives because of bullying.

Maggie: People think that bullying is a normal part of growing up, however I know that isn't true. I am thankful that President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama agree. I am confident that we have only seen the beginning of the fight to end bullying and the rest will come as more people become aware and involved.

Siblings can also watch each other's backs online. If we teach our children to look out for each other, it's amazing what they can accomplish-- and we can't. Older responsible siblings may have a bigger impact on teaching the younger ones the rules of the online road -- and we may never know about it. Were you ever the brother or sister who had to warn a sib about drinking? Were you ever the sibling that stopped a rumor about your brother or sister...or told them to stay away from a certain crowd...or were you ever a sibling that benefitted from a kind word when you were feeling like a loser?

Things haven't changed all that much. Blood is still thicker than water. A good sibling can be a lifesaver.

Brother, We're Too Young For Facebook!

Kids are asking to be on Facebook younger and younger these days. Although some people think these twin babies are talking about the cobra escaping from the Bronx Zoo, I think it's about Facebook. It may sound far-fetched but I also think parents letting their nine year-olds have a Facebook account is far-fetched -- and it's happening.

Hello, people. The minimum age for Facebook is 13 thanks to COPPA, the children's privacy act. And in my opinion, 13 is still too young. Can 13 year-olds really handle it when a "friend" online doesn't act like a friend?

Newsflash. Kids are not only going on too young but they're creating multiple accounts so no one can look over their shoulder. This falls into the same category as when your teen says "I promise, I'm at the library" or "I'm not going to drink at all at that party, but don't wait up for me because I'm going to spend the night at a friend's."

(Just so you know, I love kids and I don't think they're all sneaky but we have to get real.)

Anti-social media you ask? Not at all. I actually think it's really cool and can help a child feel connected to others but it has to be age-appropriate.

This brings me to Yoursphere.

Since I'm told by it's founder, Mary Kay Hoal, that 87% of the kids on Yoursphere find it themselves, your kids may already know about it. When I heard that Mary Kay, a mother of 5, took matters into her own hands and built a safe social media site strictly for kids -- as young as 5 but not older than 17 -- I had to check it out for myself. (Note: The average age of the kids on Yoursphere is 11 or 12.)

Once I did, I had to agree with the bottom line in a recent PC Magazine review:

Bottom Line
If you're looking for a kid-centered social network that has all the features of a Swiss Army Knife but none of the sharp edges, make Yoursphere your choice.

So before you get worn down by your 10 year-old begging you to go on Facebook because "everybody is," check out Yoursphere. By creating "spheres" of interest, kids get to pursue their hobbies and learn how to interact with others in a safer way than social media sites meant for adults. (Note: I say safer because there is no guarantee that kids won't trip over something that another child has said that is not age-appropriate, but the folks at Yoursphere have gone the extra mile to make it as safe as possible. When I went through it, I felt it was fun and respectful. As parents, though, we need to be going online with our young kids when we can and of course, keep the computer in a public area in the house.)

By the way, you'll thank me for telling you about Yoursphere for Parents. Fantastic resource that helps keep parents up to date on the pros and cons of the online world.

It doesn't do the site justice to say that it's like having training wheels, but it's the training wheels I think kids AND adults need. Kids have to learn how to navigate and build judgment and parents need a tool to help them start to build that judgment. Online safety is a little about technology and a lot about maturity.

So one of the twins is right, "Brother, are you crazy? We're babies. Facebook will make us cry."

Bullying: This Video Needs No Explanation

This video doesn't need explanation but it does need action. Let's fix the disconnects here. How did we get to be a country that accepts such meanness in our children and for that matter, in ourselves?

Here's an idea. Teach them when they're young.

As part of a pilot leadership (bullying prevention) mentoring program in a local school, the seventh and eighth grade kids play word games with 3rd and 2nd graders. The goal of the game, created by one of the school's dedicated parents, is to introduce words like leadership, kindness, and generosity. The point is to make sure that all the kids know that these aren't just words. They're actions. The older kids are instructed to compliment their young partners when they seem to get the concept of friendship and respect. This is a long process, but the idea is to set help set the tone from as early as Pre-K about the school's expectation: Not everyone has to be your friend but everyone IS expected to treat others well at school. This includes on the bus, in the cafeteria, schoolyard, hallways, and even the bathrooms.

Even after setting this expectation in multiple ways, bullying will still happen, especially from 6th through 8th grade, but it won't be quite as acceptable. Kids may feel more comfortable about getting help if they know that adults in the building care and steps will be taken to make it stop.

When parents create this same type of expectation at home, as well, we all benefit. Here's a hopeful story to demonstrate this point. One of the volunteer moms, Cathy, told me that she was already starting to see some mean behavior bubble up in her daughter's fourth grade class. She and her husband sat their fourth grade daughter down and spelled out their expectation: she is to treat others the way she wants to be treated. Mean behavior would absolutely not be tolerated.

Recently, Cathy overheard her daughter talking to a friend on the phone. She was telling her friend that she wasn't going to participate in gossip about another classmate. She said that she didn't feel that what was being said was true and the other girl didn't deserve it.

Cathy walked past her daughter's room, asked her if everything was OK, and then gave her two thumbs up. Her little girl was caught in the act of stepping up and later, Cathy made a point to tell her how much she admired how she handled it.

If this was an Olympic event, Cathy should get a gold medal. She set an expectation and stuck to her guns. Then when her nine-year old rose to the occasion, she recognized it and gave her daughter a chance to feel proud and empowered. Her daughter is now part of the solution and not part of the problem. A great step in changing the balance in the classroom.

Young kids want to make adults proud at home, in school, on the field, in band practice or anywhere they get an adult's attention. Now let's set clear expectations and watch them rise.

What We Can Learn From PACER: A Great Bullying Prevention Resource

I love the midwest. I've lived in New York for 35 years but I'm still a midwesterner at heart...and the PACER Center, a national organization based in Minnesota, is just one more reason to love it. Who knew that one of the most successful organizations in the bullying prevention field is rooted in one of the most successful resources for families with children with disabilities?

PACER doesn't talk about the problem. They step up.

I learned about PACER when I was researching the National Bullying Prevention Month last fall. As I followed the trail to the organizers of this campaign, it turned out to be PACER.

I had to ask them the obvious question and Julie Hertzog, director of PACER's National Center for Bullying Prevention, explained:

Why did PACER become involved in the bullying issue and how does it tie in with your original mission of being a resource for parents of children with disabilities?
Around ten years ago, PACER began receiving more and more calls around the bullying of children with disabilities. The stories were very sad, heartbreaking. When we found that statistically children with disabilities were considerably more subject to bullying than their peers, we knew that we needed to take action around education and awareness.

Who would you consider to be your most important audience and how do you reach them?
The students themselves are the key, as they are the ones experiencing the bullying, they know the social hierarchies and dynamics, involving them in the solution is critical - but, they can't do this alone, bullying prevention is everyone's responsibility, students need to know that they are supported by adults and teachers, that there is an infrastructure in place through legislation, policy, and education. They can't do it alone.

We reach them through KidsAgainstBullying.org and TeensAgainstBullying.org which are sites designed for the specific audience – information is presented in a way that is relevant to kids.

PACER was recently invited to the White House Bullying Prevention Summit. Isn't that amazing? Ten years ago, PACER got involved in the bullying issue because it was "heartbreaking" and needed to be addressed. Ten years ago, bullying wasn't in the national news. They weren't responding to the bullying issue for any type of attention. PACER stepped up because in their journey to help kids with disabilities, they realized that bullying was diminishing the lives of kids in all types of circumstances. Once again, families with kids with disabilities, have inspired change and are teaching all families a thing or two.

If your child or teen is being mistreated, encourage them to visit the Kids Against Bullying or the Teens Against Bullying websites. In addition to good information, young stars Demi Lovato and most recently, MICHAEL and MARISA are adding their voices to help PACER reach kids by getting the point across that "we all are the same."

They're right. No one can do it alone. Thanks, PACER.

The Bully Project

I defy you to look at this trailer for The Bully Project and not understand that our kids are suffering.

Sometimes it's hard to walk into a classroom and be able to identify who, along with their backpack, is carrying this heartache around with them.

Is it necessary? I really don't think so and if you don't think so, either, consider making a donation to this film. I'm thrilled that the White House hosted a bullying summit. I have confidence that good things will come from that meeting...but I think this documentary will make the biggest positive impact to date. FYI: The Bully Project will be featured at the Tribeca Film Festival on April 23rd.

We need to untangle more strings faster because at the core of this tangled ball mess of an issue, is the heart of a child. We can either stand by and watch it break or we can step in and make sure it remains whole.

Safety in Numbers: Parents and Schools Working Together in Bullying Prevention

Recently, my cousin was telling me about her sixth grade son, Tom, who was being excluded. It seemed to start all of a sudden. A big group of "friends" started to go to Wendy's after school but would make a big point that he wasn't included. I don't have to tell you what that does to not only the child, but the parent. It's so confusing and hurtful. Not only were the kids friends up until now, the parents had always been friends, too.

This is a tough one. Anger is the first reaction. It's incredibly hard to not want to dismember 12 year-olds but my cousin held it together (for the most part -- of course, she couldn't help but give the smug kids the "hairy eyeball" when she dropped him off to school.)

She kept it to herself except to tell a few trusted family members until one day when another mother noticed her change in attitude. She was not as friendly as she usually is to the other moms and a bit sad and frustrated. When the other mom asked my cousin if there was anything wrong, she calmly explained that she was disappointed in the class and explained the facts. (This is an important detail -- stick to the facts.) Of course, she cried a little bit but that's to be expected.

Guess what? It's one of the few times that the other parent did EXACTLY the right thing. It dawned on her that her own son, Conor, was one of the "bullies" and had to be corrected. She corrected her son without making a big deal out of it and made sure he included everyone the next time they got together as a group. It didn't end there, though. The other kids then excluded the TWO of them. Shocked, Conor confronted the group as they sat in a Subway restaurant. Their excuse -- there's not enough seats. Totally untrue.

Next step? One of the popular eighth graders saw this whole thing unfold and invited Tom and Conor to join him and his friends at a pizza parlor.

The eighth grader went home and told his mom what had happened. She encouraged the other moms to talk to their kids and it hasn't happened since. They all gather after school and go to a local fast food restaurant. They may not all be best friends, but they all feel included.

The moral of this story: When parents ban together to do the right thing and in the right way, kids do the right thing... and cool eighth graders should be cloned.

After the White House Summit on Bullying last week, the PTA announced new materials that parents can use to help their schools diminish the incidences of all types of bullying.

Parents are absolutely key. Hopefully, these materials will be a helpful FREE Resource for parent groups who want to step in.