Bullying: Overreacting vs. Under Reacting

I've been trying not to share all the brutal bullying stories or at least, not to make it the focus of this blog because I don't think it goes anywhere.  Solutions, including encouraging leadership skills, is my main interest.  That being said, I had to share this story of the 13-year-old who was getting beaten up every day while another bully would take a video and post it online.  This child -- barely a teenager -- is in the hospital after trying to kill himself.

Yesterday, I read the story of a 22-year-old who jumped off a the George Washington Bridge in New York after writing a suicide note asking that her "frenemies" not be allowed to come to her funeral.  It seems that they were embroiled in an online fight and Ashley Riggitano ended up taking her own life.

What is happening here, people?  Are we becoming so desensitized that we no longer think this is a big deal?  For every extreme story that ends up in the news, there are thousands of kids and adults trying to survive this pain.  Are we at the point that we're shrugging our shoulders and saying this is bigger than us or are we willing to drill down and get involved?  Every single person can do something about this.  You don't have to be the parent of a child that is affected by cruel behavior to be outraged.

One of the problems is that there has been so much "bully" talk that schools and parents are getting mixed messages.   In his recent article, John Rosemond, syndicated columnist and parenting expert brings up a good point and one that I hear from schools, as well.  Some parents are overreacting and because they are in constant fear that their child will be bullied, they claim that every interaction is bullying.  (That's why I don't even like the term "bullying."  It's all just repeated mean or cruel behavior.) This is true but I fear that this minority will give schools a chance to under react.

A group of parents overreacting does not mean that there aren't real problems going on with other kids. Some parents are too vocal about perceived problems while others don't say anything because they don't know or they're afraid of being labeled themselves.  (How many times have you heard a child that is on the receiving end of mean behavior called "too sensitive" or a parent who is advocating for their child "overbearing?")

What's a parent to do?   No doubt there are "helicopter" parents but if you truly have an issue, where do you turn?

Parents going overboard is annoying.  Not paying attention to real situations whether they're on the walk home from school or online is a serious problem.   Every school staff member, including lunch monitors, and every parent should have some training.  Seriously.

Sandy...and One Million Acts of Kindness

Can't type too much today.  Sandy is upon us.

Since this has to be brief, I wanted to tell you about someone really cool who we can all support, even in stormy weather.  He's riding his bike as part of the One Million Acts of Kindness Campaign.

Beginning in New York City in mid-October 2012, I will ride The Kindness Bicycle
and Kindness Bus around the perimeter of the United States. This 9,000 mile ride
will take one year, ending in New York City in October 2013. I will visit schools
along my travels, addressing school bullying, cyber bullying and adolescent suicide.
On a personal note, this ride is also to honor the 3 students killed at Chardon High
School in Ohio on February 27th 2012, which is only 10 miles from my home. I will ride
in their honor along with 3 young adults I knew from my hometown, who took their lives.
My mission on this ride has but one focus: To save kids lives.

Isn't this amazing?!  Go, Bob.

I love it.  Hope you do, too, and I hope he makes a lot of money.

If you're in the East, BE SAFE!

And if you're everywhere else, enjoy your day.

Trusted Adults Can Be the Difference Between Life and Bullycide

A new study was released regarding bullying of gay and lesbian kids and suicide. Once again, it was good to have a study to back up what we already know. Perhaps this way, people will start really paying attention to solutions.

What I want to discuss here is something that I think is key -- and perhaps hopeful -- in this tangled mess. It's the power of support from a trusted adult. From the report:

However, those who had social support -- "support from family and peers, meaning that the young person would say they have someone to go to when they have a tough time, someone is looking out for them" -- were less likely to be suicidal, Mustanski added.

Trust needs to be built over time. All kids need to learn how to communicate and share what's on their minds from an early age.

This is one of those tangled strings we can untangle if we just take the time to think about it. Raising awareness in kids and parents from Pre-K will help them in middle and high school with communication and trust. This is not to say that they won't go through the surly pre-teen and teen years but it will be easier to understand the concept of going to someone when they need help.

In middle and high school, it's even more important for adults to ignore annoying behavior and step in to ask if a child is ok. Ask and then listen. Advice may not be as important as sympathy.

Even as adults, when we suffer in silence, bad things happen. Our judgement is clouded. Our emotions run high and we go to a darker place. When someone else seems to care, it's like magic. The load gets lighter, the spirits get lifted and the power returns.

Kathryn Otoshi, the author of One, and I have talked about this gap. It's the gap of the trusted adult. If the advice we're giving to kids is to "go tell a trusted adult," and they don't have one in their lives, where does that leave them? Worse off than they were before.

(We came up with the Be the One Go-To Adult certificate and letter for elementary schools. They're free and downloadable.)

Any other ideas out there on how to inspire parents, teachers, coaches, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends to be that Go-To Adult? Would love to hear about them and share the ideas, tools, books, etc. on this site.

Thanks -- and now go listen to a kid today! You never know what's going on inside and you might be their lifeline today.

If I Was Asked to Give a TED Talk about Bullying

My daughter, Alice-Kate, just sent me this TED Talk with Ric Elias, who survived the Hudson River plane crash in January 2009. Like most TED Talks, it's thought provoking and it made me wonder what I would say in a TED Talk about bullying prevention.

My talk might start with something like this:

The pain of feeling insignificant is almost impossible to describe. People who fill whole do not understand this but people who have had love and respect withheld know exactly what this means.

It doesn't matter what you look like, how much education you've had, how many people physically surround you or how well you try to hide it. You can be an adult or a kid. It makes you feel small and the smaller you feel the less joy you have. Without joy there is very little reason to get up in the morning. Your life is diminished. This is when bullying leads to suicide...or at the very least, a slow dying inside.

Is it my imagination or are people less compassionate? When did we become unplugged? Withholding compassion can be terminal. It's torture.

Make no mistake, listening to someone with heartache today can save their life.

If you are a parent, this is your job. Do not let your child feel alone. And if you're the one withholding unconditional love or if you're showing favoritism, or not giving eye contact or criticizing them in front of others, than make no mistake, you're doing permanent damage. You are definitely not being the best parent you can be.

If you let a sibling, a spouse, a co-worker, a friend or just an acquaintance, suffer in silence, than you're not being the best human you can be.

My posts are usually more positive but I know what heartache can do. It's crushing. But help is only a kindness away. It's at the tip of your tongue and the warmth of your heart.

Bullying Can Stop a Soul from Singing

There's a line from another Rascal Flatt's song, "I'm Movin On," that says "you find strength in your moments of weakness."

If we can teach kids to find their strength even when others try to make them feel weak -- and to help others do the same-- we might save some lives.

One of the most difficult parts of working on the bullying issue is that you don't know who you're helping. You can look at a whole classroom of kids and not know who is hurting inside. That's why a mentoring program seems to be helpful. It's a way to cover everyone. It's a way to make sure that each child has someone that looks them in the eye and is happy to be with them --and it goes both ways. Sometimes it's the eighth grader who needs the validation from the first grader.

I knew I had to use this video when I saw the lyrics referring to the tangled thoughts. One of the questions asked is Was there anything more I could have said or done? Maybe it's about saying, doing -- and seeing. Making sure that someone sees and validates a young child's worth on a consistent basis is so important.

Why? It might be the reason someone stays on stage and finishes their beautiful song.

Bullying Makes Kids Feel Desperate

An eight-year-old boy jumped out of a second story window at his school this past week because of bullying. Eight.

He was repeatedly teased. Told over and over again that he was stupid. He is dyslexic.

The last straw was when a few other kids pulled down his pants. How demeaning. Hard to imagine the embarrassment he felt.

And check this out. He was asked by the school to sign a "no suicide" contract. What??????? He's in elementary school!!!!! And how does that help any child at any age anyway?

What can we learn from this? Kids with disabilities such as dyslexia, Asperger's or other challenges have it extra hard in school. In trying to get a "normal" education, they are being ostracized, teased, and made to feel different. It's not a question of mainstreaming kids, it's a question of awareness and compassion in education.

Teach tolerance at home. As parents, we have to stick up for other parents who have children with struggles. Insist that your children and their classrooms are tolerant. It shouldn't all be on the shoulders of the poor parents whose children are vulnerable. Stand up for them. Let them feel your support.

The fact that struggling kids are fair game among school bullies is the elephant in the room. Don't turn the other way.

Lessons From Ryan's Story...Step In

At age 13, Ryan Halligan had enough of bullying and took his own life. His parents did everything they could to blunt the effects of bullying on their kind, sensitive son but he was surrounded. It happened in school and it happened online.

According to a recent study led by “Harvard University’s Berkman Center for Internet and Society, 42% of kids bullied on the Web are also harassed at school.” (Parents, June 2009).

Where do you start to tackle the issue; to make a difference? John Halligan, Ryan’s dad, started by going to middle and high schools himself and telling Ryan’s story. Eventually, he was in such demand that he had to make the choice of giving up a long career as an engineer at IBM and devoting all his time talking to as many kids, parents and administrators as possible.

His mission is personal. Bullying is personal. And bullying is a hurt that sometimes doesn’t get healed.

What John Halligan is doing is admirable. It must be painful every time he gets up to address an auditorium full of kids that remind him of his own. His presentation is addressed to bullies and victims, but maybe most importantly, to the bystander. The bystander is the key to stopping repeated mean behavior. Bullies bully because they can. John Halligan is empowering kids to step in. It’s the most powerful anti-bullying tool around.

A letter from a middle school student after one of John’s presentations:

“Dear Mr. Halligan,
I have learned from our assembly to not be a bystander. Our school gave us papers about your unfortunate situation. I instantly went on the internet to learn about Ryan’s story. After I finished reading me and my mom were in tears. My mom tells me things happen for a reason, although I don’t know what the reason is. I know that Ryan wouldn’t want you to stay sad. Your story has inspired me and hopefully it will inspire others. I hope you go around different places and teach others NOT TO BE A BULLY!!”

The Halligan family is brave and their bravery is making a difference. Now we should all step in.