Don't Let Anyone Call You Stupid: A Lesson in Bullying Prevention from Michael Angelakos and P.S. 22

(If you saw the Oscars last night, you'll understand why I am re-posting this story about the boy from P.S. 22 who needed a kind word and a little reinforcement from a compassionate adult. The adult who paid attention just happened to be Passon Pit's lead singer Michael Angelakos. This little boy is probably now in middle school but hopefully Michael's words will stick with him throughout life. And just as a side note, I was proud of the Academy for including Staten Island's pride and joy!)

Experts agree that the role of the "bystander" is key in blunting the affects of bullying. The Center for Social and Emotional Education and other experts in the field refer to the key role of the bystander as the upstander, to indicate that standing "by" is not helpful...but standing "up" can make all the difference.

You could just be minding your own business and WHAM, there's a need to step up and support someone who is being mistreated. In that moment, a decision has to be made. Do I step in to the problem or do I just let that person/child fend for themselves? Do I care enough to lend a sympathetic ear, or tell the bully to "stop," or get additional help... or do I just stand by?

During this recording with the chorus from P.S. 22, Michael Angelakos, lead singer of the award-winning band Passion Pit, proved he is an UPSTANDER. In under 30 seconds, he could have possibly changed this lucky child's life.

Do we have to be a celebrity to be an upstander? No way. In that moment and in that child's eyes, it's extremely likely that Angelakos was just a person saying the right thing at the right time.

So to every upstander out there, ROCK ON.

Jennifer Aniston Proves that It Takes Seconds to Stop a Bully

Dr. Michele Borba, a renowned parenting expert, speaker and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, recently outlined her list of 6 Teachable Skills to Stop a Bully. In it she describes a study that indicates that when a bystander (or better yet, upstander) steps in to confront a bully, in over half the incidences, the bullying stops in 10 seconds. Imagine that. 10 seconds.

Recently, a megastar proved that point. Although this is fairly old news in the world of celebrityhood, apparently Jennifer Aniston stepped up to ask Perez Hilton to stop saying nasty things. Very, very tricky. It could have gone very well or very badly. What if Jennifer approached him and he used it against her? There are no rules when you make your dough dishing the dirt. But apparently the self proclaimed "Queen of Media" took it like a man and has promised to tone it down a bit. Risky for him as well, because being mean has been part of his schtick and even poor Perez has to eat at 5 star restaurants. (Not sure I still trust the guy but I have to give him credit for listening.)

This may be old star watching news but it deserves to be discussed a little more. What if we can train kids from young ages to step up? That's what I'd like to accomplish in one school with a mentoring program called Be the One, based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One. It's important to give kids skills to help stop bullying situations in ways comfortable for them -- directly confronting the bully, getting an adult to help, not participating or laughing when someone is being mistreated, using humor, showing compassion, etc.

This recent article in the New York Times describes how often bullying happens within the popular crowd. Anyone who's involved in a school knows that there's a lot of truth to that...and it makes stepping in even harder. It makes me think that this training has to start early -- kindergarten on up -- before kids get too sucked into cliques.

So Jennifer is an upstander. A well paid, well publicized, glamorous super star... UPSTANDER!.

More on How Young is Too Young On Facebook: Michelle Obama Weighs In

Why Is 10, 11 or 12 too young to be on Facebook?

Isn't it obvious? It's not about giving our kids permission to do something that all of their "friends" are doing, it's giving them permission to do something that may be hurtful. I'll agree, that some kids may never experience a problem but you wouldn't give them a glass of beer and say, "Well there's a good chance they'll never be alcoholics." I know this sounds extreme but it's really not.

The one statistic that blows my mind is that 84% of kids that are bullied online don't tell an adult. That means that unless you supervise like a hawk (and not many parents have the time for that), you may not know it when something has been said to hurt them...or if they've said something that might hurt another. The damage is done in seconds. Kids have a hard enough time in middle school navigating the ever changing landscape of friendship. It is sophisticated stuff to do this online.

Do such young kids need it? No. And if your answer is yes because a.) everyone in their class has it and he/she feels left out than I have a suggestion. It might be a good idea to talk to the other parents and decide together that at least some of you won't let them. Of if b.) my child is shy and has a hard time making friends and this makes it easier for them, I understand because shyness is painful -- but this may not be the solution. The old-fashioned way of helping them make one or two friends outside of school might be a safer, more long-lasting way to go.

What's the risk? Check out Ryan Halligan's story...or Phoebe Prince...or the many other tragic suicides of kids who were being hurt online and couldn't take it anymore.

In all honesty, I think 13 is too young, too. And something I really don't understand is why as parents do we give ourselves one more thing to worry about? My youngest son didn't go on Facebook until he was almost 17. It was his decision. He's a social guy and has a lot of friends but for some reason he didn't want it. It got to the point that he felt like he was missing out on knowing about events, parties, things going on in general so he now has an account. He's happy with it and it's added something to his life. I'm not anti-Facebook but I'm very grateful for the many nights of peaceful sleep I got because I wasn't worried about his online life. I know I'm lucky because he wasn't badgering me for it but I know what that's like, too. I have four kids and know how hard it is to say no.

Not that it counts for much, but if you do say no, you have a fan in me. I would be happy to hear from you and if I had the money, I'd throw you a parade or send you to DisneyWorld. At least there, you could let your kids just be kids.

Dear Parents, Why Do You Let Your Young Kids Have Facebook Accounts?

After witnessing what is happening to so many kids online, I wanted to write a really preachy post about not allowing young kids to go on Facebook. Instead, I would like a parent to enlighten me on why they think it's ok.

I've had a really bad couple of days, including not sleeping, because I've become aware of "nice" kids being totally cruel online. The kids I'm referring to are 12. The minimum age for Facebook is 13. In my opinion that's way too young, too, but letting kids under the age of 13 have an account is telling them to lie.

I know all the excuses. "My child wore me down. EVERYONE is on Facebook. He/She is a nice kid and can handle it. He/She has nice friends. It's cute."

Parents, get your head out of the sand. When you finish reading this post, go "friend" your child or somehow get access to their account and check it out. You may not like what you see. If you don't like what you see, make it a teachable moment. Kids need to be supervised online. That's the bottom line.

Cyberbullying is NOT about technology. It's about building judgment. If you see stuff you don't like, take it down and don't let them go back until you feel they have the maturity to handle social networking. I know what you may be thinking. "They may just go over to a friends house and go online. They'll be impossible to live with. I feel so bad for them because they're the ONLY kid in 7th grade that's not on it."

If you don't think it's a problem, you haven't been looking hard enough. And if it's not a problem today, it may be one tomorrow. Kids do not know how to handle tough social situations in writing. They don't know enough to stop before they click.

My analogy is that internet safety is like building a pool in your back yard. You build it because it's fun but you wouldn't let kids use it unless you give them swimming lessons, have them wear flotation devices if they don't swim, have rules, buy an alarm and build a fence around it. Same thing with the internet.

Although I said I didn't want to write a preachy post, I just did. Couldn't help it. What I saw this week is a recipe for ruining childhoods.

I started with a question and I'll end with a question. Parents, why would you let your kids drown?

What Happens? A Girl's Heartfelt Question About Bullying

This original poem was read as part of a presentation on bullying prevention at St. John's University. When I told the presenter, Ariel, how much I liked the poem, she introduced me to the author, Alexandra, her twin sister. Alexandra told me that she changed the ending after having a discussion with her mom. (Look for the explanation below.) After knowing the full story, I was even more impressed. Alexandra is a talented girl who wrote the poem; Ariel is a supportive sister who shared it in her class; and Denise is an awesome mom whose interest in her child turned a hopeless ending into one of inspiration.

What happens when you reach and no one is there
what happens when everyone's expectations are unfair

what happens when all you face is disappointment
what happens when you're the one they're annoyed with

what happens when you can't understand why
what happens when no one can hear you cry

what happens when you're just a kid
what happens when you can't figure out what you possibly did

what happens when your love isn't reciprocated
what happens when you wake up to hatred

what happens when you realize you're not free
what happens when you're prone to just flee

what happens when they control your every move
what happens when sadness is a permanent mood

what happens when you want to just go away
what happens when no one wants you to stay

what happens when you finally give in
what happens when you don't care if they win

what happens when now it's too late
what happens when their remorse is fake

what happens when this is a continuation
what happens when it's all over our nation

what happens when we realize lives are on the line
what happens when we start to fight bullying, one at a time...change happens

What was the original title and ending?
They Win.

What happens when you finally give in, I'll tell you what happens, They Win.

Alexandra explained, " I decided to change the ending because my mother had challenged me when I read it aloud to her. She asked,

Well do you think their biggest concern at that point is winning or losing? These people are on the peak of suicide and I'm not sure someone would even think about who's winning. It’s not about that. It's not a game

... I really liked when she went back at me and questioned me because I think perhaps while writing that last sentence I was no longer expressing my initial reason for doing it, my initial passion. Although it was an effective ending punch line I wasn’t trying to express that people who take their life are weak and letting everyone win. I was writing it purely to show the harsh and sometimes fatal reality of bullying. I was writing to show the struggle of a victim. Often with bullies it's about them, they take out how they feel on others. Bullies probably don't wonder if that person had a bad day or maybe that kid might be going through something within their life. If I were to keep the 'They Win' ending, it would leave the lasting thought about the bully and that was not my intention."

When asked why she thought it was important to challenge her daughter and take an interest in the poem, Alexandra's mom explained it this way:

I feel it’s very important for me to take an interest in my daughter’s poetry because as a mother my role is to encourage my children in all that they do, and all that they are interested in. As far as the topic of bullying as sad as it is I think many people ignore it and hope it will 'go away'. For Alexandra to write such a powerful and moving poem acknowledging the issue is amazing. I think many parents struggle with getting their children to open up to them. I consider myself lucky that my daughter wants to express her opinions and feelings and I would be foolish not to encourage and support that. I also feel many children’s talents are suppressed in school alone (by bullies) but also not fueled correctly by caretakers within the home. Negligence of any talent is a shame. It’s sad that some amazing writers, singers etc. go unnoticed and never have the chance to flourish.

Wow. We can all learn something from the poem...and a mother's interest.

Mrs. Behrens, Goldie Hawn and The Optimistic Classroom

Mrs. Behrens is probably 110 years old now but wherever she is, God Bless her. She was my third grade teacher and she introduced my class to mindful education. But Mrs. Behrens didn't know it.

I just spent a weekend at a MindUP Curriculum workshop, a collaboration between The Hawn Foundation (as in Goldie!) and Scholastic. The concept behind MindUP is a bit revolutionary. It's goal is to introduce more joy of learning in the classroom. Joy in the classroom? Is that allowed?

All kidding aside, I was fascinated and inspired by the presentations by impressive experts, including social scientists, neuroscientists and educators. Over the course of the two days, I learned more about my brain and was thrilled to find out that it doesn't look exactly like my Tangled Ball logo. Not at all. It's probably fairly ordered like everyone else's. It has a compartment that reacts to fear and novelty, it has a fairly big part that stores info, it has a part that makes me aware when I've had one glass of wine too many, and it even has a filter.

It was explained in a way that a first grader could understand (except for the bit about the wine) and that's the point. The more kids know about how their brain works, the more they understand themselves and can adapt to different situations and to each other.

Less stress. As a matter of fact, the exercises that teachers introduce in the classroom through this program include stopping to mindfully breathe several times a day to relax the students, help them push away the clutter, find a little peace and help them become aware of the moment.

This brings me back to good ol' Mrs. Behrens. I went to Notre Dame Elementary School in Long Beach, Indiana. It was absolutely wonderful but I can't say that in the 1960's it was very progressive. There was a lot of discipline and memorizing and general fear when you didn't do your homework, but Mrs. Behrens' class was safe. She would have us stand up and stretch every once in a while. She would encourage us to look out the window. She would speak in such a way that you felt that she liked you. And my absolutely favorite thing she did was asking us to clean off the top of our desks, then take out a pen, pencil or crayons. In a soothing voice, she would instruct us to draw or write or just sit and think as she would turn on the record player and introduce Bach or Beethoven or some other amazing piece of music.

It was no wonder that we had such a nice class. That type of atmosphere nurtured inclusion, happiness, and understanding. (Not a lot of bullying went on that year.) It's funny because I always thought that I was an outstanding student in her class but when I found my old report cards, I really got average grades. She just made me feel extraordinary and I went on to get very good grades.

Introducing evidence-based curriculum like MindUP in the classroom makes so much sense to me. Positively changing how children approach the academic learning process as well as developing greater social and emotional intelligence will change school climates and the rewards of an Optimistic Classroom will last a lifetime.

Secret Bullying Prevention Weapon? Friendship.

How to Make and Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges is a new book out by Massachusetts based founder of Social Smart Kids, Nadine Briggs and director of the Peter Pan Center, Donna Shea. The book is one of their many collaborations, including their recently announced Social Success in School, a bullying prevention training initiative for teachers and administrators. Social Success in School was developed in direct response to Massachusetts' new bullying law. If that wasn't enough, they're hosting a conference on March 5th: How To Make & Keep Friends: Partnering with Children for Social Success and in the summer they run a social skills camp together.

Bravo! With these seemingly separate projects, this dynamic expert duo (and obviously good friends) are aiming at the heart of the problem and coming up with solutions.

Let's talk about the book first. Friendship is the secret weapon. If we can connect with others, not much can keep us down. Friendships can carry us -- and our children -- through most situations, including bullying. According to the authors, "Parents care more about their kids making friends than their grades." I completely believe that and although many children have difficulty creating friendships for a variety of reasons, Nadine and Donna say it can be learned. They should know. They've been teaching it with success for years.

This gives me hope. It's heart-wrenching but common to see children having trouble socially. I'm thrilled that they've come up with a book that kids can read on their own with little but effective tips like instead of asking on the playground, "Can I play with you?" and possibly getting rejected, they can say, "I'd like to join in."

Sometimes having one friend can give a child, or anyone for that matter, the resiliency to get through life's curve balls. Teaching social skills is an admirable vocation. When I asked Donna and Nadine why they do what they do, they simply and powerfully said, "Every kid should have a friend." And when they say, every child, they mean every child, including kids with physical and emotional challenges.

Based on what they've learned, Nadine and Donna recently launched their school training program, Social Success in Schools, developed for grades K-6. Built upon the same premise that social aptitude creates a better school climate, the tools were designed to build empathy and tolerance.

Fascinated by their tagline, "dedicated to educating and supporting kids with social challenges," I asked them:

To date, what is the most satisfying part of your work?

We get a tremendous amount of satisfaction when we see one of our friends in a social skills group learn a new way of interacting with others. For example, when we hear them say “how about we…” when they would have previously said “you have to….”.

What's the most important thing parents can do to help their children have a friend and be a friend?

Schedule playdates. We understand that parents are busy with work, siblings, and life in general but the single most important thing that they can do is create social opportunity for their children. The second most important thing that a parent or educator can do is understand that children who are socially awkward need an adult partner to help them navigate social situations with patience and understanding.

I wish them luck with book sales, conferences, training programs and summer camp but mainly I thank them for stepping up and identifying one of the most important things in every single child's life: friendship.