Bullying: A Case Study in Ostracism from Facing History

Facing History and Ourselves recently launched their new online resource, Bullying: A Case Study in Ostracism. Based on their other initiatives, including their core curriculum, I knew it would be good but it exceeded all my expectations. Before I get into why you'll thank me for bringing this to your attention, especially if you're a parent (of any age child), principal, teacher, counselor or mentor, it might be helpful to understand Facing History's mission and why they're such a strong resource as a whole:



The Ostracism Case Study evolved as part of research conducted by Harvard and Facing History and Ourselves and funded by the Carnegie Corporation of New York. At it's core, are riveting interviews with girls regarding a simple problem that began among 7th grade friends that escalated into a complicated and serious ostracism issue. (I urge you to listen to the overview of the study. Fascinating.)

A Guided Tour Through The Minds of Middle School Girls

It's also worth the time to listen to the transcripts of the girls' interviews. Like me, you may not be able to stop thinking about these word for word transcripts from girls who are only 12 to 14 years old. This is the best tool I've come across to help adults understand the world and relationships of middle school girls. I'm going to urge the schools that I work with to consider using this online and free curriculum and to include it as part of their professional development but I think it's helpful for parents at home, too. The discussion questions are simple but extremely thought-provoking and make a great platform for discussion for girls (and probably boys, too) during their middle through high school years.

An Important String in the Tangled Ball of Bullying

The girls' descriptions of what happened to cause the complete ostracism of one of the once popular girls -- to the point that she was contemplating suicide -- reminded me of a recent situation I came across involving 7th and 8th grade girls ignited by Facebook. Both situations involved feelings about a boy, the "pack mentality," cliques, self esteem, miscommunication, harshness, and cluelessness. They both escalated very quickly and by the time adults were brought in, the situation was so muddy, that it was difficult to actually help. In fact, the involvement of some of the adults at that point actually hurt the situation.

This curriculum would have been useful at the time. Facing History and Ourselves has expertly brought the global history lesson of the devastating affects of ostracism home. Thank you, Facing History.

Secret Bullying Prevention Weapon? Friendship.

How to Make and Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges is a new book out by Massachusetts based founder of Social Smart Kids, Nadine Briggs and director of the Peter Pan Center, Donna Shea. The book is one of their many collaborations, including their recently announced Social Success in School, a bullying prevention training initiative for teachers and administrators. Social Success in School was developed in direct response to Massachusetts' new bullying law. If that wasn't enough, they're hosting a conference on March 5th: How To Make & Keep Friends: Partnering with Children for Social Success and in the summer they run a social skills camp together.

Bravo! With these seemingly separate projects, this dynamic expert duo (and obviously good friends) are aiming at the heart of the problem and coming up with solutions.

Let's talk about the book first. Friendship is the secret weapon. If we can connect with others, not much can keep us down. Friendships can carry us -- and our children -- through most situations, including bullying. According to the authors, "Parents care more about their kids making friends than their grades." I completely believe that and although many children have difficulty creating friendships for a variety of reasons, Nadine and Donna say it can be learned. They should know. They've been teaching it with success for years.

This gives me hope. It's heart-wrenching but common to see children having trouble socially. I'm thrilled that they've come up with a book that kids can read on their own with little but effective tips like instead of asking on the playground, "Can I play with you?" and possibly getting rejected, they can say, "I'd like to join in."

Sometimes having one friend can give a child, or anyone for that matter, the resiliency to get through life's curve balls. Teaching social skills is an admirable vocation. When I asked Donna and Nadine why they do what they do, they simply and powerfully said, "Every kid should have a friend." And when they say, every child, they mean every child, including kids with physical and emotional challenges.

Based on what they've learned, Nadine and Donna recently launched their school training program, Social Success in Schools, developed for grades K-6. Built upon the same premise that social aptitude creates a better school climate, the tools were designed to build empathy and tolerance.

Fascinated by their tagline, "dedicated to educating and supporting kids with social challenges," I asked them:

To date, what is the most satisfying part of your work?

We get a tremendous amount of satisfaction when we see one of our friends in a social skills group learn a new way of interacting with others. For example, when we hear them say “how about we…” when they would have previously said “you have to….”.

What's the most important thing parents can do to help their children have a friend and be a friend?

Schedule playdates. We understand that parents are busy with work, siblings, and life in general but the single most important thing that they can do is create social opportunity for their children. The second most important thing that a parent or educator can do is understand that children who are socially awkward need an adult partner to help them navigate social situations with patience and understanding.

I wish them luck with book sales, conferences, training programs and summer camp but mainly I thank them for stepping up and identifying one of the most important things in every single child's life: friendship.

Taking Action in Bullying Prevention

More people are getting involved in the bullying issue. Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, even celebrities are stepping up to tell us how they really feel about the whole culture of mean. Listen. Whatever works. Bullying is such a messed up and difficult problem to tackle that I personally applaud anyone who tries to untangle one string at a time.

It's always compelling to see "stars" speak from the heart and it's really helpful for awareness. Go Ellen, Madonna, Jaden, Greyson, Tracy Morgan...

It's even better if we're prepared for solutions. Multiple solutions.

The National School Climate Center provides free bully prevention resources, classroom activities, and supports to schools and students-in-need through their national BullyBust campaign. I asked the center's co-founder, Dr. Jonathon Cohen, the following question:

Is it possible to actually improve school climate?

Yes! Educators, parents and students can learn and work together in ways that actually make schools significantly safer, more supportive, engaging and helpfully challenging. And, when they do so, academic achieving increases, student dropout rates and teacher retention rates increases. However, improving school climate is – necessarily – a multi-year effort that needs to be a central goal for the whole school community.

As we have recently detailed in ‘School climate reform: Mobilizing and supporting the whole village to support student learning and positive youth development (Cohen, J.[2010] in Principal Leadership, September) there are five important lessons that we have learned that support effective and sustained school climate improvement efforts:

Lesson #1: Principal as leader: School climate improvement efforts need to be fully supported and led by the principal.

Lesson #2: How to measure school climate? School climate data provides the “anchor” as well as direction for school climate improvement efforts and the actualization of the school climate standards. It is important that school use a school climate survey, like the Comprehensive School Climate Inventory (http://www.schoolclimate.org/programs/csci.php) that is valid and reliable; recognize student, parent/guardians and school personnel “voice”; and assess all of the major areas of school climate (safety, relationships, teaching and learning and the environment).

Lesson #3: On the value of school climate improvement road maps: The vast majority of principals recognize that school climate matters. However, we discovered that many principals are not sure how to best support effective school climate improvement efforts that build on past successes and challenges. School climate improvement ‘road maps’ that included specific tasks and challenges that shape each of the five stages of the school climate improvement process provide an essential foundation for change.

Lesson #4: Creating school policies that support safe, engaging, healthy and helpfully challenging schools: Educational research should shape policy, which in turn dictates practice. When schools adopt or adapt the National School Climate Standards (www.schoolclimate.org/climate/standards.php) they are setting a social, emotional and civic as well as intellectual or ‘academic’ bar that schools must strive for.

Lesson #5: Educational practice that support the whole child: School leaders face an almost impossible task. It is an admirable – and essential – goal that no child be left behind. But to insure this we must understand and address a myriad of needs and barriers to learning.

Pass this info on to your schools and check out their resources. Now that we know better, we can do better.

Thanks to Those Who Care about Kids and Bullying

Thanks to all those who spend their time, money, and expertise to help kids have a lighthearted and bully-free childhood.

There are so many great experts doing good work. There are also great parents paying attention to raising compassionate kids. And to parents who also volunteer in schools, you're awesome. Parents can't do it alone and schools can't do it alone. When we work together we have a shot at preventing and/or blunting the long tail of pain that bullying creates.

Is there a one-size fits all solution? Absolutely not.

I really like the list at the top right when it comes to training, research and tools. There are many others which I'll continue to share in future posts but... who -- and what -- would you recommend?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and the readers of this blog are my favorite people. (Other than the ones I lugged around for 9 months. Oh, and of course the guy that's my friend and husband.) So thanks for your interest in pulling out one damn string at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving.

When Siblings Are Bullies: 10 Seconds in Bullying Prevention

Most people with a sibling can relate to sibling rivalry. It's not unusual. In fact, it seems quite natural.

Many experts say that siblings should work things out for themselves. It teaches them how to resolve conflict on their own. That's somewhat valid.

BUT...when does sibling rivalry become bullying?

Scenario 6:

Your kids bicker and sometimes get physical. Most of the time it blows over but it's escalating. It seems like every time they walk in the house, they're at it.

Although there's a two year difference, your younger child really has the upper hand. As she's getting older, she knows how to push her brother's buttons.

You try to give them a little space and handle it on their own but one day your son comes out of school feeling dejected. He was one of the few kids not chosen for the science fair. When he tells you what happened, his sister sort of laughs and says "That's because you're stupid."

Here's where the 10 seconds comes in. When you get in the house, you ask to see your daughter privately. Then you tell her in no uncertain terms that what she said crossed a line. You tell her that you would never let anyone get away with saying that to her and the same goes for her brother. You then tell her to sincerely apologize to her brother...and then figure out some appropriate punishment...and then FOLLOW THROUGH.

Why be so firm? It's important for BOTH kids. This is what bullying prevention expert, founder of Bully Safe USA and author, SuEllen Fried had to say,

Research indicates a strong connection between sibling bullying and peer bullying. More than half of victims of bullying by siblings were involved in bullying behavior at school. The sibling relationship is the most long lasting of all relationships and according to studies, the most violent. Fifty-three out of every 100 children abuse siblings. As our society was in denial about peer bullying for centuries, so are we in denial about the devastation of sibling bullying.

So it's not o.k. to let them truly be mean to each other. It can affect both negatively for a lifetime.

So enough bullying talk. Thought a perfect way to end this post is to make the family smile. You can't bully while you watch this. It has over 3 million hits for a reason:

Who's Making A Difference...and Why?

One more day until October's Bullying Prevention Awareness Month...and the beginning of Tangled Ball's month long shout out to people stepping up. On each of the 31 days, Tangled Ball will feature an expert in the field whose work benefits parents, schools and most importantly, kids.

There are great experts out there doing fantastic work. You should know about them.

How were they chosen? Completely and unapologetically subjectively. Through conventions, research and word of mouth, Tangled Ball found professionals in their fields that are proactive, inclusive, smart, realistic and compassionate. Included in the bunch are authors, researchers, Ph.Ds, filmmakers and speakers. The one thing they all have in common is they're brave. Bullying is a Tangled Ball issue. It's not easy to fix but it hasn't stopped these advocates. The more we know, the better the chances that kids will have an easier time of it. These award winners deserve our attention and applause because every child has the right to feel good about themselves.

In addition to these professionals, Tangled Ball will be featuring regular folks who perhaps don't start their name with Dr. but who in their own way and in their own world are stepping up. It could be a teacher, coach, parent, crossing guard, lunch lady, aunt, uncle, grandparent and/or especially a kid! (And hey, I didn't mean to discriminate against doctors, if you know one who deserves it, go ahead and nominate.)

Their name and a brief description of what makes them special will be added to a post every day. In other words, every person you submit will get a shout out during October. It's not the Oscar, but sometimes people need a high five, slap on the back and a big fat Thank You. That's the Tangled Ball Award! These are the people that will inspire others to be upstanders.

Nominations can be sent to thetangledball@gmail.com or you can scroll down and talk about them in the comments box. I'll publish the comment during October. Can't wait to hear from you!