Anderson Trying to Untangle Messy Issue of Bullying

Anderson Cooper should get a Tangled Ball Award for putting so much effort into trying to untangle the complicated mess of bullying through his series this week: Bullying: It Stops Here. He is definitely a Be the One Go-To Adult.

If you missed the televised town hall meeting that he hosted on CNN from Rutgers last night, tune in to AC360 for the next 5 nights as he, along with expert guests, shave away at this tangled up problem affecting the emotional and physical health of so many kids.

Rosalind Wiseman, Dr. Phil, Lee Hirsch of The Bully Project and even mom and celebrity Kelly Ripa and Jane Lynch were on hand but clearly, the stand out experts last night were the kids and clearly the stand out message was "Listen."

Bullying is such a huge issue. There are three strings in this knotted mess that I would like to address: Early prevention, parenting and the role of the bystander (or a better term -- upstander.)

Early prevention:

We need to start young. Waiting until middle school is too late. Even waiting until middle school to encourage kids to talk to a trusted adult is often too late. They're self-conscious at that age and it helps if they've established trusted relationships with adults they can talk to before they have an issue.

Parenting:

• We need to encourage young parents to prepare their kids for school and then set the expectation with their children that they need to be treated well and they need to treat others well.

• We need to bridge the gap between the school and home. What's wrong with having mandatory school-wide meetings at the beginning of the year to discuss the school's expectations when it comes to bullying? Often it's only addressed after a problem arises.

• As they get older, we need to know how to respond when they come to us with a problem.

Bystander (Upstander):

Money, time and effort have to be spent creating school climates where you feel like the outsider if you treat others poorly. Train kids how to -- and expect them to -- step up. Make them feel good that they have that power. (There are plenty of great organizations that help with school climate. The National School Climate Center is one.)

There are dozens of other tangled strings and I hope some are going to be discussed this week on AC360. On my wish list is the role of media. Literally, our kids are surrounded by mean.

Tonight Rachel Simmons will be on talking about the role of the counselor. Tune in.

What would you like to see addressed?

Is Television Making Us Bullies?

There is one big factor in the bullying conversation that hasn't made it's way into all the media attention. It's the media.

I like reality shows as much as the next shallow person but there's SO much of it! I actually heard Bobby Flay call a weeping young chef out on a food challenge show, telling her that her cupcakes were crumbly and this is the FOOD Network, not the FUN Network. I thought food was supposed to be fun.

(I don't want to necessarily pick on The Food Network because I had hours of joy watching it with my beloved mother-in-law during the last year of her life, but I think she would even say that some of the shows have gotten a little too mean-spirited. God save the poor chef who doesn't know what to do with the secret ingredient!)

But food competitions are the least of it. Just turn on Bravo or MTV and hold on to your seats. All fun and games until you realize that kids are watching the same shows: Jersey Shore, The Housewives of Everywhere, etc., etc. Screaming, cursing, hitting, stomping, blasting, blood vessels popping and manic texting.

This is what concerns me. We can deliver great school programs to help combat peer to peer cruelty from elementary school on up, but what is really influencing our kids and our culture? How do we stop this deluge of mean?

And as a side note, some of these programmers are getting in on the bullying prevention band wagon, but is that a good idea, either? Here's author and expert Rosalind Wiseman's blog post about the rather odd partnership with the NEA (National Education Association), the Creative Coalition and the WWE.

I'd really welcome your thoughts.

White House Summit on Bullying: What Can We Do?

In President Obama's opening remarks at the White House Summit on Bullying, he said, "No child should feel that alone." That just about sums up why I'm involved.

In the closing remarks after all the true but tragic stories, the overwhelming statistics and expert advice had been shared, the audience was asked to ask themselves, "What more can I do?"

In answer to that question, I want to share with you what others are doing in the field of bullying prevention and online safety and who are dedicated to providing real help...but first, I want to share a couple of things I personally took away from the conference.

This is such a huge issue but I constantly come back to three things that I think are critical in making a positive impact:

• Early Prevention

Bottom Line: If we start very young -- PreK and up -- and create the expectation of respect, we have a shot at changing the balance when they get older.

• Parenting

Bottom Line: Parents are where it's at. Kids need to be prepared at home for social interactions. Parents can acknowledge and encourage their children when they treat others well and correct them when they don't.

• Bystander (or Upstander):

Bottom Line: When you think about it, the bystander is everyone. Compassion and leadership skills can be taught and we can teach kids how to step up for others in ways that are comfortable to them. (If you ask kids, they know that their peers make the biggest difference.)

If you want to start somewhere, there are so many resources. Stopbullying.gov was announced yesterday and there are others listed to the right. Not every community, school or home is the same so tailoring campaigns or materials to fit your needs is really important. In my community, I, along with the support of the principal and the help of other interested parents, started the Be the One mentoring campaign because it suited the needs of the school and it appealed to both the adults and the age span of the children. I also wanted it to be fun which is very key to holding the kids' attention (and mine, too!) It has created an infrastructure that allows parents and teachers to introduce curriculum they come across and activities that promote friendship and respect. As a matter of fact, next Tuesday, we'll be using some of the tools from Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Center. (I'll be posting more about their fabulous work next week.)

Best Advice from the Summit: My favorite was expert Rosalind Wiseman's advice to any adult on what to say when a child comes to them about being bullied:

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Thank you for telling me. I'll stand by you.

"What more can I do?" We can all help by sharing ideas and keeping the conversation going. Let me know what you're doing and I'd be happy to share it with others.

10 Seconds in Bullying Prevention

Today starts a series on what can be done to stop bullying incidences in just 10 seconds.

It's like an infomercial...

In Just 10 seconds YOU can help stop mean behavior that leaves a long tail of pain. In just 10 seconds...and if you call now (whoops, forgot that this is NOT actually an infomercial).

First 10 Second Tip:

Scenario 1:

You overhear three tween girls do what many tween girls do so well. Talk about other girls. It almost seems like a sport and it doesn't matter if the girls are basically nice or not. They usually are nice. You happen to be one of the tween's parent. It's awkward because you don't want to embarrass your child and you hate to admit it but you're just a little bit relieved that she is not the one being discussed. She has friends.

But is it good for your daughter to continue doing this or is it a really important teachable moment? I'm fairly certain that girl relationship experts Rachel Simmons and Rosalind Wiseman would say... step up. It's just as important for the girls who are gossiping as much as it is for the girl being verbally dismembered. Girls need to learn how to be loyal. Those qualities strenghthen them through life, including careers.

In ten seconds, you can step in, look them in the eye and say,

"Girls, I don't know if you realize it but that's mean and I don't think you girls are actually mean. So, how was school today?"

(In other words, make your point and get out.)

They might not show it but they will hear your message. And maybe you're the only one brave enough to say it. When your daughter is older, more mature and has her own tween, quite possibly she will be stepping up to a group of three tweens and saying,

"Girls, I don't think you realize it but..."

Life is funny. It sometimes only takes 10 seconds to make a lifetime impression that gets paid forward. And who doesn't have 10 seconds to spare an unsuspecting target as well as help young fairly clueless girls become mature adults?