Getting Creative and Teaching Leadership at P.S. 55

Students are learning that One Can Count at P.S. 55 on Staten Island.

Fifth graders are the experts as they partner with the Kindergartners to reinforce the message, "Everyone Counts."  After reading Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One, the mentors got together with their younger counterparts to lead them in an activity that demonstrates that everyone is unique, beautiful and valuable.  (One is an ageless children's book which beautifully and simply inspires kids -- and adults, too -- to step up for themselves and for others.)

A One Can Count team of teachers and staff came up with the idea of doing something seasonal that expressed the importance of respecting each other's differences.  As the partners created their own snowflakes together, the students had fun getting to know one another as well as crafting something that they could display with pride.

There are so many positive things about P.S. 55's efforts.

Using a Simple Tool

NYS Senator Andrew Lanza provided 30 copies of One and 30 copies of it's companion book, Zero, to each elementary school in his district on Staten Island.  Inspired by the book and the gift, P.S. 55 set out to ensure that each student received their own personal copy of One.

Mentoring

The message of One is for all ages but when you make the older students the teachers, they take ownership of the concepts of kindness, empowerment, and positive action.  There are countless benefits of mentoring but perhaps placing students in a leadership role is the most powerful.  Leadership is the Anti-Bully.

Staff Involvement

When administration, teachers, guidance counselors, parent coordinators and other staff members get together to promote leadership, it's a message to students that they're important.  In essence, it demonstrates leadership and students learn by example.

Enthusiasm

Think about it.  Children learn more when they feel emotionally safe and when they're having fun.  The fact that Kindergartners have a friend in the 5th grade is a big deal.  Add to that, the time spent doing a creative activity brings joy to both.

Compassion

Empathy is easier to teach when students are asked to look out for someone younger.  Compassion helps students become "upstanders," the secret weapon against bullying.  When kids step up for one another in mean situations, the bullying stops in seconds.

Hats off to Principal Sharon Fishman, Guidance Counselor Arlene Donnelly, staff members Juleah Bracker and Julia Lucchese and of course and most importantly, the brilliant students at P.S. 55.  Getting creative and teaching leadership helps create a school climate of cooperation.

In other words, P.S. 55 itself is like a snowflake -- unique and beautiful.

Inspiration at the 7-Eleven: #Leadership

When we tell people to do their jobs, we get workers. When we trust people to get the job done, we get leaders. -- Simon Sinek

I've been lucky enough to hang out in San Diego for the past month.  I have my new granddaughter, Lucy, to thank for keeping me out of the harsh NewYork cold.

My daily routine includes getting up early and going to the 7-Eleven on the corner of Beech and State to get a cup of coffee and it always includes nice conversation with the people working there.  For example, early Christmas morning, I happened to ask the cashier how his Christmas Eve had been and then he gave me the most spiritual description of Midnight Mass at St. Paul's Cathedral.  He was so peaceful telling me about the music and the lighting of candles.

It seemed as if he was totally in the moment and appreciating every aspect of life.  It suddenly dawned on me that if he was at Midnight Mass, he must have only had a couple of hours of sleep.  He happily told me that four hours of sleep was fine and he was able to get off in the afternoon to celebrate the holiday with his family.  Not one complaint.  Not one.

I don't know what it is, but every employee there is exceptionally nice.  They're not just nice to me. A handful of homeless individuals frequent this store -- begging outside on the corner before they go in. They are also treated with kindness.

It's gotten to the point that if I'm feeling a bit blue or sleep deprived, I look forward to going in there for a boost.  And it's not the caffeine because I only drink decaf.

It's a culturally diverse group of employees but they all seem to have one thing in common.  They know how to treat people and seem to be genuinely interested.

As I was fumbling around with the simple but complicated process of pouring that first cup, I asked the 20-something guy who was efficiently restocking creamers, if it was a good day.  "It has to be," he said.  I wasn't 100% sure of what that meant so he explained, "It's my choice to make it a good day and so it has to be a good day."  And by making it his choice, he made me aware that it was up to me, too.

As I was leaving, he said, "Have a good one."  And I replied, "Now I will."

Leaders work everywhere and do every type of job.  Doing a good job takes commitment and a positive attitude.

Good lessons for our children.  (And speaking of children, there's an awesome woman there who has 5 children, two grandchildren, and looks 20 years younger than her actual age and I think it's because she has an optimistic attitude!)

Look for leaders wherever you go.  You can even get inspired at a 7-Eleven.

Although Isolating, Feelings About Bullying Are Universal

I was writing about this Beat Bullying You Tube video from the UK and then I heard about the shooting in Ohio. Can we fathom the pain that some kids are going through?

It's a terrible question, but for every child who gets pushed far enough to take out a gun, how many others are taking it out on themselves, either by alcohol and drug abuse, cutting, or just good 'ole self loathing and sometimes suicide?

I talked to a group of 10 and 11 year olds yesterday. It was a really positive experience except for one small disturbing thing. At the end of the workshop, the kids are asked to think of an adult they would go to if they had an issue with bullying. Nearly all of the girls had someone in mind right away. Some even had several in mind. But there was one girl who calmly but directly, said she wouldn't talk to anyone. Absolutely not. I asked her why not and she said she "doesn't trust anyone." And just the way she said it, I knew she wasn't trying to be dramatic. She believed it. I didn't know what to say.

That's my fear. That for a variety of reasons, kids emotionally go through life alone. The world gets distorted when you do everything on your own.

Bullying is epidemic but so is "aloneness." It's not just "lonely." It's feeling like you're an island and you have to go through life trying to figure it out all by yourself.

Even as adults, we shouldn't be trying to figure it out all by ourselves. How do we help children connect? It's the disconnect that causes so many problems.

I'm horrified for the poor families who lost their children because another child suffering from "aloneness" pulled out a gun. We'll find out more as the story unfortunately unfolds, but they are all children.

Parents and the Pain of Bullying

My heart aches for all parents who are suffering watching their child be ostracized, physically bullied, called names or hurt online. It's one of the hardest things a parent can go through. It causes a flood of negative emotions.

The frustration is enormous and the fact that there is no crystal ball indicating when and how it will get better is so discouraging. Sometimes the anger is hard to manage. You may be wondering, "How did I get to the point where I'm furious with a child that was once my child's friend? Or with the parents who don't step in?"

You work so hard to build your child's confidence over the years and someone comes and steals it. That's what it is. A theft. When others don't care, it's an insult.

I hear over and over how parents of children who were once close, are now enemies because of the change in behavior their children have towards one another. I've noticed that when girls start forming cliques and start leaving one-time friends out, the mothers of the girls in the clique turn a blind eye. I often wonder if it comes down to something as simple as they are secretly pleased that their daughter is perceived as popular. No one wants a child to be perceived as a "loser." Parents are supposed to be mature. It's not always the case.

This goes for boys as well. Why upset the apple cart when the apple of your eye seems to be the one everyone wants to be around? Negative or positive attention -- it doesn't matter. It's attention.

Sometimes it just takes one parent of one of the popular kids to step up. I recently heard of one of these moms. She heard that her son and his friends were cutting out a couple of the boys in their class. Why? Because they could. The mom confronted her son and asked him why certain boys weren't invited to go get pizza. The boy's answer was lame and the mom knew it and straightened it out. It didn't happen overnight, but the situation definitely improved.

That's a cool mom. She was realistic about her own child's behavior and instead of being defensive, she was objective. She felt it was a teachable moment and the way her son was "leading" was not the desired type of leadership.

Every once in a while, you meet someone with a backbone. It's so refreshing.

To all the moms and dads out there who could be helping, please step in. It's good for you, for your own children and for your community. Kids are not going to magically do the right thing. You have the power to blunt the suffering of others.

And to all the moms and dads out there who are suffering along with your child, I hope you meet someone with a backbone and a capacity for compassion. In all the heartache, don't lose heart.

If I Was Asked to Give a TED Talk about Bullying

My daughter, Alice-Kate, just sent me this TED Talk with Ric Elias, who survived the Hudson River plane crash in January 2009. Like most TED Talks, it's thought provoking and it made me wonder what I would say in a TED Talk about bullying prevention.

My talk might start with something like this:

The pain of feeling insignificant is almost impossible to describe. People who fill whole do not understand this but people who have had love and respect withheld know exactly what this means.

It doesn't matter what you look like, how much education you've had, how many people physically surround you or how well you try to hide it. You can be an adult or a kid. It makes you feel small and the smaller you feel the less joy you have. Without joy there is very little reason to get up in the morning. Your life is diminished. This is when bullying leads to suicide...or at the very least, a slow dying inside.

Is it my imagination or are people less compassionate? When did we become unplugged? Withholding compassion can be terminal. It's torture.

Make no mistake, listening to someone with heartache today can save their life.

If you are a parent, this is your job. Do not let your child feel alone. And if you're the one withholding unconditional love or if you're showing favoritism, or not giving eye contact or criticizing them in front of others, than make no mistake, you're doing permanent damage. You are definitely not being the best parent you can be.

If you let a sibling, a spouse, a co-worker, a friend or just an acquaintance, suffer in silence, than you're not being the best human you can be.

My posts are usually more positive but I know what heartache can do. It's crushing. But help is only a kindness away. It's at the tip of your tongue and the warmth of your heart.

Just A Kind Word

My husband's Uncle Jim Regan passed away last week. He was the President of the Board of Education in New York City during one of the most tumultuous times in its history. During his tenure in the early 1970's, the system almost went bankrupt, the mayor laid off over 10,000 teachers and the city was in turmoil. Who would want that job? Uncle Jim.

Even during the most divisive times, each day Uncle Jim would enter the downtown offices of the Board of Ed through the basement. Holding a styrofoam cup of coffee in his hands, he would have a light-hearted morning chat with the maintenance workers, then the receptionist and work his way up to his office on the upper floors. When his actual work day began, he was prepared to handle anything thrown his way.

Always the Irish charmer, Uncle Jim had a way with stories. During his last six weeks of life, though, there were no stories. Barely a syllable. Within hours of his passing and unclear as to how much he was understanding, one of his daughters asked him if he needed anything. Surprisingly and out of the blue, he said:

Just a kind word.

In a recent post, I shared Alye's video. Silently, she was asking for the same.

Many responded online but I was incredibly touched by the kind words shared on the video below created by students at Ramapo College.



These students took the time and effort to reach out. Their direct messages to Alye have probably helped thousands more. Uncle Jim would have approved.

As the President of the Board of Ed, he touched the lives of hundreds of thousands of students and teachers but you never know how he may have touched the lives of the workers in the basement or the receptionist on a bad day. He always made it clear that their kind words on some of those tough mornings gave him courage.

James F. Regan was always a good teacher. He will always be loved.

Kids, Bullying, and the Holidays

This is a challenging holiday season for me and my family. It's been a season of loss. No matter what, loss makes you sad and there's no room for sad during the Christmas season.

When things are going well, the holidays make everything that much brighter. But when that's not the case, the holidays somehow make your lows feel lower.

Then I started thinking about how kids feel when they're being ridiculed or ostracized or physically pushed around. Are the holidays a needed diversion or are they hard? Isolating? Lonely?

When kids are happily buying gifts or making cards for their friends, do bullied children feel worse? When kids are getting together to go to the mall or go ice skating or caroling -- or whatever the traditions are for whatever religion you are -- or whatever region you live in -- do kids on the outside looking in, feel despondent?

I love the holidays but this holiday has made me more aware of kids who don't have the skills yet to understand that it's not their fault.

The point of this post is simply to say that during the holidays, perhaps we could give the gift of awareness, eye contact, interest, time, or just a kind word. Every child deserves the warmth of friendship.

It's too embarrassing for kids to admit that they're not happy during the holidays. Perhaps we can help lift that burden. Even if we can't fix their problem completely, we can remind them that there's still a reason to smile. Can compassion be wrapped? No, thank goodness. It's a gift that doesn't need tape and nice neat corners...but it does need an open heart and maybe a little glue.

Teaching Empathy and Bullying Prevention

My last post talked about the elementary school "One for All" Leadership campaign. It's simple goal is to have older kids mentor younger children. It's not the whole answer by a long shot but it's one of the answers in creating a more positive school climate. Although the older grades are asked to teach the younger ones lessons in friendship and respect, the overriding lesson is compassion.

You can't talk about compassion. You have to demonstrate it. As the "buddies" get to know each other, they learn to listen to each other. Why is this so important? Because some types of bullying make kids feel invisible. No one should suffer with the feeling that they're not important enough to be seen.

Why do we need to teach young kids empathy?
According to an article in Time Magazine's August issue, How Not to Raise a Bully: The Early Roots of Empathy:

Increasingly, neuroscientists, psychologists and educators believe that bullying and other kinds of violence can indeed be reduced by encouraging empathy at an early age. Over the past decade, research in empathy — the ability to put ourselves in another person's shoes — has suggested that it is key, if not the key, to all human social interaction and morality.

Someone commented on the post that a leadership campaign is "good in theory" but there are "mean teachers and mean kids out there." I agree with three quarters of that comment. Meanness is the enemy and that's why this fight is worth it. If part of the answer is making sure that there is someone in the building that "sees" each child, it's worth a shot. Building compassion takes a lot of effort. It doesn't happen overnight but the benefits get passed along for generations. It's also fun and we could all use a little of that every day.

The most surprising part of seeing these partnerships in action? In the process of helping to build self confidence in the younger kids, sometimes it's the older kids that benefit the most. When a first grader looks up to them as an eighth grader, it doesn't matter if they're the most popular in the class or if they were just ignored at lunch. All that goes away at the moment when a 6 year-old thinks you're the coolest thing on earth.

Compassion: The Anti-Bully

The horror in Haiti is unreal. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. The compassion we feel for every one suffering is palpable.

Compassion.

At the very least, perhaps this is a teachable moment to pass along to our children. To honor all those in Haiti, perhaps we can be more compassionate toward our peers.

A friend of mine seized the moment when her sons, ages 9 and 11, asked what could be done for the people of Haiti. They decided to ask for pledges for "silence." In return for a small donation, they are going to sit in silence for an hour this coming Saturday. Brilliant.

Building on that teachable moment, we can encourage our kids to be silent instead of saying something to a classmate that might be hurtful. In a small way, it may help teach compassion.

Gossip Girls and Boys Get Lessons In Empathy, a New York Times article from last April made me think of all the simple ways we can teach kids empathy. Not expensive but the most valuable.

For all those involved in helping the people of Haiti, thank you. It's humbling.