Expecting More of Each Other

Life is funny.  Sometimes you meet the most interesting people in the most random ways. A few months ago, I was helping my friend Gary Russo (a.k.a. Second Avenue Sinatra) with organizing a singing appearance at a fundraiser in  Texas.  The Westlake Academy UNICEF President, Qaleb Pillai, reached out to Gary to ask him to help with the annual event.  Without ever meeting Qaleb, Gary, an ironworker and entertainer, said yes to donating his travel, time and talents.  As Qaleb and I were emailing back and forth, I noticed the quote that was always attached to his signature. 

"It seems to me that more and more, we've come to expect less and lessof each other, and I think that should change." - Aaron Sorkin

I asked him why he felt that quote was so important:

Aaron Sorkin is one of my favorite screenwriters and he is the man that said this quote. I choose to share this in every email I send because I think it’s an important problem that in society that needs to be addressed. I feel that society has allowed people to become more selfish and lazy. 

I believe that many people will only help others if there is something in it for them. In other words, a person will only help another for personal gain. I don’t feel that this is right because I do not want to live in a world where it’s uncommon to help others out of kindness. I am aware that there will most likely always be personal gain and that nothing can be truly altruistic, but a person should not do something like giving to charity just to get attention. He or she should do it because it is the right thing to do and the attention is just a bonus. 

The mindset of doing things solely for personal gain leads to nothing being accomplished. As president of my school’s UNICEF club, this is unacceptable.  Knowing that others are stepping back is motivation to keep stepping in.  We can't all step back or there will never be any progress.  I know and feel it’s important to help those who are less fortunate. By doing so, a person shows he/she is trying to be altruistic and is aware of the fortunate life he/she was born into. 

Due to the selfishness and laziness, we have come to expect “less and less” of each other because how much can you possibly expect from a selfish or lazy person? Not much at all. The bare minimum is nothing to aspire to.  

Why are kids being raised to celebrate mediocrity? They should reach for the stars because maybe then, they’ll do something to truly be proud of. Maybe that will pave the way to expecting more and more of each other rather than less and less." 

Interesting question from a 16 year-old leader.  Are kids being raised to be mediocre?

Let's raise leaders.

Bullying, Forgiveness and a Little Summer Reflection

When someone hurts us or even worse, hurts our children, the anger can run deep.  Legitimately deep.

One of the knotted strings in the tangled ball of bullying is how our anger can eat us up.  It takes up our brain space and holds us back from anything positive.  The reality is, it's like being the target twice.  When you can't let it go, the resentment can have a negative life all its own.

Superstorm Sandy didn't bring many positives but it did bring me a new friend.  Maryann and her husband Ray are still trying to cope with rebuilding not only their home but their daughter's and Ray's brother's homes, as well.  In the midst of it all, they keep the local church (also damaged) going so that the community doesn't lose it's foundation, its rock.

Ironically, after many good discussions about tough transitions, Maryann saw that I needed as much help in coping with change as she did...and I still had my house.

She lent me T.D. Jakes book, Let It Go, and I stumbled upon some truly great advice.  I hope it helps you as much as it did me...

Similarly, when you allow someone else's reaction to determine your mood, you have built a room where you are helpless to control the climate.  When you forgive them and move on you bring the thermostat back into your room and you leave them in the hands of the conscience and their God!

 Of course you want to respond with grace to the repentant but the question begs an answer:  What do you do when the persons who caused you the most pain have not and will not admit, acknowledge, or repent for their part in your pain?  Simple answer, take the power back over your life and write it off.  Demanding that they make things right or have the quality of character to apologize also leaves them controlling the thermostat to a room you have to live in.

Mean people don't often apologize.  Ever.  That's why I think this is great advice for ourselves and a good lesson for our kids.  Sometimes people -- even if they've had a mean moment -- will say I'm sorry.  That's wonderful but others won't.  To expect that they will do the right thing will just fuel our rage even more and make the pain continue.

Something to ponder this hot summer:  Who's in charge of your thermostat?

It made me realize that some damage is more obvious than others and every house needs a "thermostat check" every now and then.

Maryann and Ray:  We're sending you good thoughts as you rebuild.

Siblings, The Summer, and Bullying

This week's anti-bullying buzz is about siblings.  A new study published by the journal Pediatrics, reveals that sibling bullying can be just as harmful as peer bullying to children's mental health.

When kids are out of school and spending more time as a family, it's an important thing to be aware of.  How brothers and sisters treat each other can either have a lifelong positive effect or do a lot of damage.  Parents set the tone.



Bully, the movie, will make you want to do something. You may wonder what that "something' could be? It may be as close as your own home.

In one of the scenes from the movie, it's painful to watch Alex get bullied by his younger sister. She basically calls him a loser and you can tell that it's not the first time.

We always focus on bullying in the schoolyard or online, but we rarely talk about sibling bullying.

In her book, Bullies and Victims, SuEllen Fried describes it this way,

Some conflict between siblings is normal and unavoidable. Sibling conflict is viewed as abusive when the interaction becomes violent, when one sibling feels powerless to stop the interaction, when the conflict persists over extended periods of time, and when the conflict is lopsided so that one sibling is singled out consistently.

Do we tune this out as parents? Do we get so sick of the kids "fighting," that we don't pay attention anymore?

A few years ago, I was at the International Bullying Prevention Assoc. conference and one of the most impressive workshops was led by this very serene looking woman. She started out by talking about sibling abuse and bullying. By the end of it, I noticed that all the attendees (mostly principals, teachers, coaches, security officers, counselors), including the men in the room, were emotional.  It seemed that each person could relate to the subject of sibling to sibling meanness. 

Last fall I was visiting a classroom. We weren't even talking about bullying but there was a little boy who raised his hand and then popped out of his desk to tell me that his bigger cousin was beating him up. When I asked him if his parents knew, he said that they told him to get over it...his cousin was just "horsing around." This child was clearly afraid of his cousin.

Sibling (or family) bullying often gets swept under the rug and often the pain of that bullying never goes away -- as was seen on the faces of those men in that workshop. (Not all siblings will like each other growing up, but they shouldn't be allowed to hurt each other.)

Letting our own children cross the line with (or against) each other is not good. That line is the line between "getting on each other's nerves" to constantly belittling, demeaning or physically hurting each other.

SuEllen suggests,

In general children should resolve differences on their own. When children are unable to do so, adults should intervene...

Good tips from Dr. Barbara Greenberg on how to handle sibling bullying.

Leadership: Josh's Example

Leadership.  It's so powerful but it can be so simple.  Josh's story is proof that it can also be catching.  In his case, it was also the answer to overcoming the long tail of pain that bullying causes.

If you have children, I encourage you to show them Josh's story.  My favorite part is hearing his fellow students' reactions.  Although kids hear and see so much "mean," they gravitate to "kind."  Kind can be very cool.

Kids are also the best teachers.  I'll be interested in hearing what you think of Josh's way of stepping up after he was stepped on.

Bullying: Are Schools Entirely to Blame?

The last post was from the perspective of a parent.

It's also fair to look at things from the perspective of the school.

What I hear from many elementary school principals is that "bullying" has become such a talked about subject, parents and kids are confused by what it means.  I was told by one principal that after the school hosts an assembly about bullying, she gets barraged the next day by kids complaining that if another child bumps into them in the hall or looks at them the wrong way, they've been "bullied."

It's hard for schools to keep up and parents don't always make it easy.  Often parents don't admit to the role they play in making the problem worse.  Parents flying off the handle can do a lot of damage.  This is not to say that parents can't feel frustrated and protective but berating a teacher or school secretary isn't teaching the child anything.  Correction.  It is teaching them something.  Either 1.) they'll start to over react themselves and learn that screaming is communication or 2.) they'll never tell you again about a problem...and that's a serious issue.  Kids should not try to handle everything alone.  

Believe it or not, handling conflict is a teachable moment and children learn by example.  It's called leadership.

Schools are also fighting an uphill battle and our pop culture is the biggest challenge.  Kids are being exposed to so much meanness and violence in what they watch and hear outside of school that it's almost impossible for them not to bring some of those behaviors into school.

Are we in denial?  Even young kids are playing inappropriate video games, watching reality shows,  are allowed on Facebook and have smart phones before they've developed good judgement.  For some reason, companies are getting away with marketing irresponsibly to our children and as parents, we are afraid to say "no."

We can't depend on schools to raise our kids.  

Any thoughts on how we build better parent-school relationships? 

Little Upstanders Make a Big Difference

Bullying prevention is complicated.  Sometimes it seems that it's bigger than all of us but it's not insurmountable.  We have an untapped army out there.  If we start training bystanders to start stepping up from an early age, we've got a shot at creating safe and caring school climates.

Read on.  We can learn from the pint-sized upstanders in this story.

I was talking to a mom of a six-year old yesterday.  Believe it or not, her first grader has been on the receiving end of true bullying behavior since Pre-K.  Everything from emotional manipulation to punching and kicking.

She admitted that in Pre-K her daughter was "a biter."  She didn't feel she could address this situation appropriately in Pre-K because she had to work on her own daughter first.  (Don't you love honest and realistic parents?) She was also a teacher before having children so she knew that what you do at home directly affects how a child acts in school.

Seems as if her own child matured beyond the biting stage but another little girl in her class didn't.  Now that they are in first grade, her little girl had already been this other girl's target for two years.  Once a light-hearted child ready and willing to go to school, my friend's daughter was having stomach aches.

The mom went to the teacher many times and although the teacher promised to keep an eye on it, the problem continued.  Like many bullying incidents, most of them were being done behind the teacher's back.

This seemed like a hopeless situation.  My friend was projecting a long and miserable school experience for her daughter.

The teacher was beginning to treat my friend like one of those moms.  She and the counselor started to blame the problem on her daughter being too sensitive.  (As my friend pointed out, anyone becomes sensitive after being mistreated for two years.)

What turned this bad situation around?  The little upstanders in the classroom.  Without "tattling," the other classmates set the teacher straight.  They told the teacher the truth.   Everything that my friend's child was trying to communicate to the teacher and counselor was true.

Then the principal stepped in.  She took the 6 year-olds at their word and the little girl was suspended for a few days. They're working on a strategy for the rest of the school year and next year.

Encouraging Our Little Bystanders To Be Upstanders  

Number One:  Make sure they know the difference between tattling and reporting.  The first is something you do to get someone in trouble; the second is telling the truth to make sure someone doesn't get hurt (emotionally or physically.)

Number Two:  Children know how to manipulate their parents.  Make sure they know that "telling" on a sibling or friend isn't cool if it's solely to get their brother, sister or friend in trouble.  Telling you about something that will be helpful to correct a situation is very different and should be encouraged.  (If you have siblings, I don't need to explain any further.  Most of us let a little jealousy get the best of us when we were kids.  That "green-eyed monster" is part of growing up but it needs to be called out.)

Number Three:  Catch them in the act of doing something good.  The children in that first grade class should be complimented for stepping up.  Of course, not at the cost of hurting their classmate's feelings (kids shouldn't be labeled as "bullies") but because they told the truth and it helped the situation.

Principals, teachers and counselors should be trained in nurturing little "upstanders."  It's called leadership.

Leadership is the anti-bully.

Parents and Children: Lessons on Leadership from Boston

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers

Boston.  Poor Boston. Poor parents trying to explain this to their children, especially after Newtown.

I am truly empathetic because, as a family living in New York, one of the hardest things about 9/11 was trying to steady myself so I could help my four children.

As a child, I was terrified about communism.  Truly terrified.  I didn't share how scared I was with my parents because everyone else seemed ok.  My seven siblings played and my parents went to their usual parties.  I, meanwhile, was convinced that communists, dressed in black, of course, would come in by boat (we lived on Lake Michigan) and would crawl up our yard from the beach and storm the house.  The Cuban Missile Crisis was probably what inspired my terror.  It's difficult to know how kids are affected by the news.

I understand how hard it is to be traumatized by the awful events this week in Boston and then help your kids with their fears.  It's the kids who don't say how scared they are that you might be worrying about most.

Here's a simple lesson I learned: Be active in the recovery.  When awful things like this happen, it can paralyze you and make it even harder to parent.

Kids also need to witness your empathy and strength and then be given a chance to practice leadership.   It can be as simple as drawing pictures or writing letters to the victims or their families or making a meal for someone who was somehow affected.   It can also be helping your child's school with some type of outreach campaign.  Let them help you.   Kids need to know that we can make things better even in small ways.  It gives them hope.

In hindsight, there probably wasn't a need for the thousands of pairs of socks or face masks that I helped my children's elementary school collect after 9/11 but it gave families a reason to snap out of their shock and do something.  More importantly, their kids were now shopping with them, away from the television and engaged in something positive and getting their power back.

I'm not a child psychologist but I'll tell you why I know this is important.  I was in an awkward position the Monday after the World Trade Center bombing.  I had some checks for the Red Cross that I had collected and I just wanted to deliver it to the principal and then "try to get back to normal (ha!)."  Since I lived across the street, I risked just throwing on sweats and running over to the school. No shower. No makeup. I don't think I even really had combed my hair.  (All things that I should have known better but I think a lot of moms can relate to that split second decision..."I won't run into anyone.  I'll just run in and out.")

The school secretary said the principal was in the gym.  What she didn't tell me was that she was holding an assembly for the 500+ students.  The principal was struggling.  It was eery because the kids weren't acting like kids.  They looked like little zombies.  Stunned and silent.  None of the usual squirming or smiles or bright eyes.

Mrs. Macula asked me to say something.  I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me?"  At that time, I was also afraid to do any public speaking and on top of that, I'm aware that I'm not looking much like an authority figure...and two of my kids are in the audience.

I literally prayed.  Please let me say something that will help.

I swear I had no control over the words coming out of my mouth.  I simply said,

You've already made things better.  There's evil in the world but you're good.  There are more good people than bad. 

I could literally feel the mood change in the gym.  As I was leaving the building, a young girl stepped up to me and said, "Mrs. Raisch, that was a good speech."

If it was comforting, I can't take any credit.  I'm being honest when I say that I was panicked but to this day, I'm grateful for those words.  All the kids had heard about for nearly a week was that people can be evil.

Kids can be reminded during these horrible times that they are leaders and they have power.  The smallest thing or person has the power to make things better.

Fred Rogers' mother knew the same thing.

God Bless You, Boston.