Bullying and the Brain

This week's Boston Globe article, "Inside the Bullied Brain" is riveting. Although many people don't consider bullying dangerous and are of the opinion that it's actually a normal part of childhood or a "right of passage," this article comes to a completely different conclusion:

A new wave of research into bullying’s effects, however, is now suggesting something more than that — that in fact, bullying can leave an indelible imprint on a teen’s brain at a time when it is still growing and developing. Being ostracized by one’s peers, it seems, can throw adolescent hormones even further out of whack, lead to reduced connectivity in the brain, and even sabotage the growth of new neurons.

Read it. Really.

Studies researching the long term effects of peer to peer abuse suggest that the brain may actually become altered and the side effects range from depression to memory loss.

It's so sad but not shocking. It's obvious that when a child or teen is consistently mistreated, eventually their outward personality often changes. Those are the things we can see. What about all the things going on in a child's brain that we can't see? Children can function but they may be suffering. What IS shocking is that we continue to let it happen.

Early prevention should be a priority. If we catch kids at young ages, we may be able to prevent some brain damage. Sound dramatic? Not when you have studies like these to back you up.

Childhood Obesity and Bullying

In doing a little channel surfing today, it seemed like everyone was talking about childhood obesity and bullying. If you're an overweight child, you know they go hand in hand. Everyone from Rachel Ray to Dr. Oz to Dr. Phil mentioned this issue today. Although this post was written in September, I thought it would be an appropriate day to re-post this information. (Is that as bad as re-gifting??)

It's something to pay attention to for a variety of reasons. Kids who are overweight have long term emotional scars from the teasing, bullying and downright abuse of their peers.

That's a total bummer for kids with extra pounds. Physical AND mental health are at risk. It's also a total bummer for parents who worry about them.

Naturally, it's important for parents to take the reins and help their children with good nutrition and exercise. According to the Mayo Clinic: "Childhood obesity is particularly troubling because the extra pounds often start children on the path to health problems that were once confined to adults, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Childhood obesity can also lead to poor self-esteem and depression."

So speaking of self esteem and depression, what can be done about the put downs from peers?

No. 1: If you're a parent or any adult with kids in your life who are NOT overweight, don't allow them to call other kids Fat...or Tubby...or Blubber. Seriously, it's in the same category as saying "You're so gay." You may not think so, but just read the study and think again.

No. 2: If you're the parent of a child that's overweight, let this be motivation to you to start helping them with their health. It's hard, I know. Weight, like bullying, is complicated. It's a Tangled Ball. It's not just about restricting calories, it's about emotions which makes it one of the hardest parenting issues to handle. More often than not, there's a lot of frustrating baggage that makes it hard to help a child with a weight issue.

There's a site for teen girls who struggle with their weight called Fitsmi, as well as a companion separate site, Fitsmi for Moms. Fitsmi recognizes that girls need to have a safe place to be teens first. Girls with extra pounds have the same interests in fashion, boys, celebrities, and makeup as any girl (as well as sports, academics, etc., etc.). They just need a network of friends who know what it's like to be a plus size in a size 2 world. It's a place online where they're not judged and they can be honest. It's a source for good information, including tips on clothes and relationships as well as nutrition and exercise. (Boys should have their own site, too! But if you're a parent of a boy, advice on Fitsmi for Moms might still be helpful to you.)

Here's the key: no judging.

Nothing about this issue is simple, except this. Kids will bully kids who are overweight. (It's gotten out of hand. A child doesn't even have to be technically overweight to be teased by their peers.) When they do, they are stealing their childhood as well as risking their long term emotional health. It's our job as adults to stop it.

Thanks to Those Who Care about Kids and Bullying

Thanks to all those who spend their time, money, and expertise to help kids have a lighthearted and bully-free childhood.

There are so many great experts doing good work. There are also great parents paying attention to raising compassionate kids. And to parents who also volunteer in schools, you're awesome. Parents can't do it alone and schools can't do it alone. When we work together we have a shot at preventing and/or blunting the long tail of pain that bullying creates.

Is there a one-size fits all solution? Absolutely not.

I really like the list at the top right when it comes to training, research and tools. There are many others which I'll continue to share in future posts but... who -- and what -- would you recommend?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and the readers of this blog are my favorite people. (Other than the ones I lugged around for 9 months. Oh, and of course the guy that's my friend and husband.) So thanks for your interest in pulling out one damn string at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Rock On in Bullying Prevention

Almost everyone has had a great teacher in their lives. One of mine was Mrs. Behrens in the third grade. If you went by looks alone, you'd be terrified. She was an imposing figure. Luckily for the hundreds of kids she taught over the years, that was only a brief first impression.

Although it was a small Catholic elementary school without any type of arts program, she created her own. She would often tell us in the afternoon to clear our desks except for crayons or colored pencils. She would pass out a sparkling white clean sheet of paper to each student and then ask us to just clear our minds. She would put on classical music and simply introduce it by saying, "Enjoy Bach." We just listened to music from a record player (yes, a record player) she brought from her own home and records from her own collection and let our minds just drift as we drew anything we wanted. It turned my whole day around and allowed my 8 year-old mind to relax and expand. We all loved it. Mrs. Behrens was brilliant!

Here's something that's not talked about enough -- music and bullying prevention.

Singing it, playing it, creating it, or listening to it, music is the great communicator. So why don't we use more of it to get messages across in school, lower kids' frustrations and create a better school climate in general?

There are hundreds of reasons why schools are often very tense, especially as kids approach middle and high school. Music is a great tension reliever. It allows all ages to express themselves and being able to express yourself, lowers frustration.

School budgets are always part of the challenge but introducing music in the classroom is easy and doesn't take a big budget. Just ask Mrs. B, now in her eighties and a much less imposing figure. But it's still the size of her heart and her simple wisdom that are impressive.

Here's a little of P.S, 22 Chorus to help drive home the point. It makes me smile that the chorus teacher's name is Mr. B.

If You Were Bullied, Would You Tell?

A huge percentage of kids don't tell an adult when they're being bullied. Fox News' story, "Why Bully Victims Suffer In Silence" prompted me to repost an interview I did several months ago with a very wise teenager. Bottom line, for so many kids, telling an adult doesn't help. In fact, so many times it makes it worse.

If the main piece of advice we give kids is "tell an adult," then we better kick it into gear and start funding training from Pre-K and up.

This is what a very wise high school student told me several months ago:

Rashidat Encarnacion participated in last year's Family Online Safety Conference (FOSI). She was one of a group of Girl Scouts asked to be on a panel moderated by Marsali Hancock, President of iKeepSafe, a well-respected national online safety organization. The panel was a chance to hear about online safety issues from the perspective of teens. I was very impressed with the girls' comments, and in particular, with then 16 year-old Rashidat's sage advice.

Sometimes 'friends' on Facebook are not your friends. Know the difference and don't 'friend' anyone you can't trust.

Believe it or not, as fate (happily) would have it, I ran into Rashidat several months later. I asked her if she could explain why kids don't tell an adult when they've been bullied. This is what she said:

Well, I feel children do not tell their parents because they are afraid of the way their parents will react to the situation. Maybe the parents’ reaction to the situation can cause further bullying of the child. Personally, when I was bullied in school the bullying would cease for a little bit. Then it would become worse than before, because I decided to tell an adult. Not only that but we want to feel independent …so we don't want to tell our parents about what's going on, especially things that are hurting us. In other situations pertaining to bullying, it can seem like a sign of weakness when you tell an adult. I remember fellow classmates calling me a "tattle-tale" and not wanting to hang around me if I told a teacher about someone else or myself being bullied. That is also another reason - the child being bullied does not want to lose their friends. Therefore, they keep quiet and do not tell others when they are bullied.

There are numerous reasons why children do not want to talk with their parents about bullying. When children do approach an adult, the adults should not pressure the children. If the child feels that there is no reason to worry, they feel that their situation is under control. Maybe you should respect your child’s wishes and not make a big deal of the problem.

At the same time, do not take the issue lightly. No matter what, you are the parent and you have the right to intervene in your child’s problem when it is necessary.

Like it or not, these comments are real and represent one of the core issues. Kids should not be left alone in their misery but this will continue to happen until there are many more trained adults that kids can trust. States, such as New Jersey, are slowly waking up to the fact that bullying laws don't work if they don't require high quality training for schools.

When Siblings Are Bullies: 10 Seconds in Bullying Prevention

Most people with a sibling can relate to sibling rivalry. It's not unusual. In fact, it seems quite natural.

Many experts say that siblings should work things out for themselves. It teaches them how to resolve conflict on their own. That's somewhat valid.

BUT...when does sibling rivalry become bullying?

Scenario 6:

Your kids bicker and sometimes get physical. Most of the time it blows over but it's escalating. It seems like every time they walk in the house, they're at it.

Although there's a two year difference, your younger child really has the upper hand. As she's getting older, she knows how to push her brother's buttons.

You try to give them a little space and handle it on their own but one day your son comes out of school feeling dejected. He was one of the few kids not chosen for the science fair. When he tells you what happened, his sister sort of laughs and says "That's because you're stupid."

Here's where the 10 seconds comes in. When you get in the house, you ask to see your daughter privately. Then you tell her in no uncertain terms that what she said crossed a line. You tell her that you would never let anyone get away with saying that to her and the same goes for her brother. You then tell her to sincerely apologize to her brother...and then figure out some appropriate punishment...and then FOLLOW THROUGH.

Why be so firm? It's important for BOTH kids. This is what bullying prevention expert, founder of Bully Safe USA and author, SuEllen Fried had to say,

Research indicates a strong connection between sibling bullying and peer bullying. More than half of victims of bullying by siblings were involved in bullying behavior at school. The sibling relationship is the most long lasting of all relationships and according to studies, the most violent. Fifty-three out of every 100 children abuse siblings. As our society was in denial about peer bullying for centuries, so are we in denial about the devastation of sibling bullying.

So it's not o.k. to let them truly be mean to each other. It can affect both negatively for a lifetime.

So enough bullying talk. Thought a perfect way to end this post is to make the family smile. You can't bully while you watch this. It has over 3 million hits for a reason:

You Don't Deserve That!: 10 Seconds in Bullying Prevention

It would be so great to know the right thing to say ALL the time.
If you're like the rest of us, that's not the case. In fact, sometimes it's a miracle when the right thing comes out. Like the time I asked a 20 something if she'd fallen off a bike, just to realize that she'd had a botox injection.

I meant well. Really.

It's like when kids do open up to us about bullying. It's so hard to know what to say. We want to say something that will help them with the situation but we often start "helping" them by trying to correct their behavior. That's totally justified because if there are ways we can empower our kids so they're not as vulnerable, it's worth a shot.

But maybe the corrections shouldn't be the first reaction. First, we need to tell them, "You don't deserve that! That's awful and I'm mad for you. Now let's have some ice cream (or carrot sticks depending on your parenting style) and let's talk about it." And then instead of talking, we listen.

The words take 10 Seconds. The listening can go on and on and on.