THINK Before You Speak

A friend of mine who has three young daughters just sent "THINK" to me. Nancy is a believer in teaching her children from a young age to respect others and to expect respect in return. To do this, it takes the 3R's we don't normally think of when we think about elementary school education: reflection, relationship and resilience. Seems like these are sophisticated concepts for little kids but it's amazing how much they absorb and how simple the messages can be, for example:

THINK before you speak:

T - is it True?
H - is it Helpful?
I - is it Inspiring?
N - is it Necessary?
K - is it Kind?

Is it possible to teach young kids in school to be "mindful" before they speak or act? According to The Hawn Foundation (as in Goldie!), yes.



Post 9/11, Goldie was thinking about her legacy and after some mindful thought, decided that she had to make an effort to introduce something important but generally missing in the classroom. JOY.

Mindfulness curriculum, called the MindUP Program, is now available through Scholastic. It sounds very "new age" to talk about social emotional learning (SEL) and particularly mindfulness but it's just common sense. (MindUP is the cornerstone of the initiative, The Optimistic Classroom.) Teach children about the brain when they become school age and they will develop more of an understanding about their emotions, their behavior and their stress levels. It should come as no shock that stress makes it harder for kids to learn.

What's so cool about this training is that it's simple. Although many teachers may be resistant, in the end it's as much a benefit to them as it is to the student. A calmer, more thoughtful class is so much easier -- and much less draining -- to teach.

I sat in on one of the trainings and the teachers on hand who used the tools, were quite enthusiastic. One of the trainers was a principal in a high risk school. She said that incorporating simple techniques throughout the day, made even the emotionally challenged students able to control some of their aggressive impulses. One of the techniques is ringing a hand-held gong three times a day (or anything that makes a pleasant noise) and upon hearing that, the students stop everything and push all thoughts out of their brain in order to catch a breath and re-focus. Sound crazy? I don't think so. If adults did this at work, we wouldn't get so burned out.

Check it out. These techniques can even be used at home. Most of the time, "bullying" behavior is impulsive behavior gone unchecked. What if we taught our kids how to be in charge of their own feelings and behavior?

I think you're on to something, Goldie!

Parents and the Pain of Bullying

My heart aches for all parents who are suffering watching their child be ostracized, physically bullied, called names or hurt online. It's one of the hardest things a parent can go through. It causes a flood of negative emotions.

The frustration is enormous and the fact that there is no crystal ball indicating when and how it will get better is so discouraging. Sometimes the anger is hard to manage. You may be wondering, "How did I get to the point where I'm furious with a child that was once my child's friend? Or with the parents who don't step in?"

You work so hard to build your child's confidence over the years and someone comes and steals it. That's what it is. A theft. When others don't care, it's an insult.

I hear over and over how parents of children who were once close, are now enemies because of the change in behavior their children have towards one another. I've noticed that when girls start forming cliques and start leaving one-time friends out, the mothers of the girls in the clique turn a blind eye. I often wonder if it comes down to something as simple as they are secretly pleased that their daughter is perceived as popular. No one wants a child to be perceived as a "loser." Parents are supposed to be mature. It's not always the case.

This goes for boys as well. Why upset the apple cart when the apple of your eye seems to be the one everyone wants to be around? Negative or positive attention -- it doesn't matter. It's attention.

Sometimes it just takes one parent of one of the popular kids to step up. I recently heard of one of these moms. She heard that her son and his friends were cutting out a couple of the boys in their class. Why? Because they could. The mom confronted her son and asked him why certain boys weren't invited to go get pizza. The boy's answer was lame and the mom knew it and straightened it out. It didn't happen overnight, but the situation definitely improved.

That's a cool mom. She was realistic about her own child's behavior and instead of being defensive, she was objective. She felt it was a teachable moment and the way her son was "leading" was not the desired type of leadership.

Every once in a while, you meet someone with a backbone. It's so refreshing.

To all the moms and dads out there who could be helping, please step in. It's good for you, for your own children and for your community. Kids are not going to magically do the right thing. You have the power to blunt the suffering of others.

And to all the moms and dads out there who are suffering along with your child, I hope you meet someone with a backbone and a capacity for compassion. In all the heartache, don't lose heart.

Bully Free Summer Vacation

Summer has such a nice ring to it. It conjures up wonderful thoughts of lazy days and relaxed fun -- unless you're working and your child is having friendship problems. The pain that bullying brings during the school year can spill over to vacation time and not only cause continued heartache but a practical problem, as well.

What do your kids do during the summer if they can't rely on friends to help fill up the time?

Summer can be difficult and if your child isn't having fun, there is nothing light hearted about the season for you, either. It's a constant reminder that off time isn't easy.

The upside is that it may be a good time to build your child's confidence and help them find another group of like-minded kids. It's worth the time to seek out programs -- free or otherwise -- that will give your child new skills or build on the ones they already have.

Sometimes they only need one other person who likes what they like.

In our area, there's a day camp for kids who like to hike. It's great for both girls and boys. Sometimes boys who don't like traditional sports are stigmatized but hiking can be a great alternative. Even guys who like arts and crafts are often given a hard time in school but in a program that uses sticks, leaves, and bugs as materials, the stigma is gone. And girls who don't fit it with certain cliques may actually click with others on the trail.

This is just one example. There are countless programs that may appeal to kids who's interests may be on the "fringe." All that being said, I KNOW what a hassle this can be. Getting a child to and from camps or activities during the summer while you're at work can be brutal...and if your child is having a problem with other kids, you can't rely on their parents to help you out, either. In other words, it's a lot of effort for parents, but doing your homework for summer can really pay off. It may be a time when your child's confidence can actually be the project which may lead to a more positive school year in the fall.

It's also a good time to help them with their social skills. Since they'll be meeting new people, remind them how to make and keep friends.

If you ARE working (and most people are), it's also a great opportunity to set ground rules and time limits on computer use. If your child is one of the over 7.5 million kids under the age of 13 on Facebook, consider taking them off for the summer. A lot can happen when you're not home and according to statistics, over half of the kids harassed online DON'T tell a parent. (They're probably afraid that as adults, we won't handle it right -- and they may be correct.)

The bottom line is that it's nearly impossible for a good parent to have a good summer themselves when their child is miserable. Do yourself a favor and organize a summer that will give both you and your child a vacation from the fallout of bullying. Life should be a beach.

Elementary School Graduation and Teaching Gratitude

My husband and I call this the "Season of Clapping." Between graduations and awards ceremonies, your hands start hurting.

It can also be a season of gratitude and a good time to teach kids to be thankful for the people in their lives.

As part of the Be the One leadership program at Our Lady Queen of Peace School, students in the older classes mentor the younger children on messages based on Kathryn Otoshi's award-winning book, One.

The eighth grade mentors the second graders and it's been a good partnership. They've read books, played word games, created Venn diagrams, decorated ornaments together and in general got to know each other while building a relationship of respect.

It seemed a good idea to use the eighth grade graduation as a time to teach gratitude...and who said these lessons have to be boring? As a farewell, the second graders organized a surprise party for their older counterparts. On a day that the eighth graders were off campus, the second graders went to work making cards and signs and practicing "You've Got a Friend in Me."

In the process, we were able to talk with them about gratitude. They talked about what made their Be the One partner special.

(When the seven-year olds were asked how we should fool the eighth graders in going to the party, they suggested things like, "Tell them Jesus is in the gym," or "Tell them to come look at the two-headed bird.")

When the big day came, the second graders hid on the stage and when the curtain opened they yelled SURPRISE! The eighth graders genuinely seemed happy in a "I have to still look cool" kind of way.

They ate cupcakes and drank juice and did an activity together. Using a template of a shamrock, they were asked to wish four things for each other. One of them said, "I wish you could come to high school with me to hang out."

Understanding is the anti-bully. Gratitude is the anti-bully. Really getting to know a person that you didn't know before is the anti-bully. Listening to someone younger than you and remembering what it was like to be 7 is the anti-bully. Having someone look up to you -- hanging on every word -- can be a life saver.

Introducing these concepts in the early years is One of the ways we can change the culture of mean.

Facebook Is OK for Kids: LOLJK

You're a fat pig. LOLJK*

You're so gay it makes me sick. LOLJK

What's wrong with you? LOLJK

You smell. LOLJK

What kind of outfit is that? Loser. LOLJK

You are soooooooooo stupid. LOLJK

Want to be my friend?

Over 7.5 MILLION kids under the required minimum age of 13 are on Facebook, according to a recent Consumers Union study. According to this article in the LA Times, parents with children on Facebook and under the age of 10 do not even "friend" their child on Facebook.

If you are one of those parents, I would really like to hear from you why this is ok. Are you certain that your child or your child's "friends" aren't saying stuff like this online? Are you sure it's a child talking to your child?

I hear from parents that their kids tell them "it's not fair" that they can't get a Facebook page. What's really not fair is to put kids in sophisticated situations before they're able to handle it. In all honesty, 13 is even too young.

The LA Times brings up a several key points:

For minors who lack the experience or judgment to use a social network, this raises the scary potential of sexual predators tracking down kids who reveal their age in an online chat, cyberbullying and more.

“A million kids were bullied on Facebook in the last year," Jeff Fox, technology editor at Consumer Reports, told FoxNews.com upon the release of the study. "A 10-year-old is not well-equipped to deal with those things.”

"Friending" your child isn't the complete answer, either. What do you do when you "friend" and you don't like what you see? Do you take your child's page down when you don't like what the other kids are saying? Are you sure an adult isn't posing as a child? When do you step in?

I do believe that kids need to learn how to handle social media but that is best done on sites that are kid-friendly, like Yoursphere, and others. And even then, it's only ok if it becomes a "teachable moment" and you sit next to them and guide them. How did you teach them how to cross the road safely? Did you stay in the house reading a magazine and tell them to come and tell you if they got hit by a car?

*LOLJK: Laugh Out Loud Just Kidding

Step up parents. This is no laughing matter. Your kids are hiding behind their LOLJKs. And who's hiding behind the kids?

If I Was Asked to Give a TED Talk about Bullying

My daughter, Alice-Kate, just sent me this TED Talk with Ric Elias, who survived the Hudson River plane crash in January 2009. Like most TED Talks, it's thought provoking and it made me wonder what I would say in a TED Talk about bullying prevention.

My talk might start with something like this:

The pain of feeling insignificant is almost impossible to describe. People who fill whole do not understand this but people who have had love and respect withheld know exactly what this means.

It doesn't matter what you look like, how much education you've had, how many people physically surround you or how well you try to hide it. You can be an adult or a kid. It makes you feel small and the smaller you feel the less joy you have. Without joy there is very little reason to get up in the morning. Your life is diminished. This is when bullying leads to suicide...or at the very least, a slow dying inside.

Is it my imagination or are people less compassionate? When did we become unplugged? Withholding compassion can be terminal. It's torture.

Make no mistake, listening to someone with heartache today can save their life.

If you are a parent, this is your job. Do not let your child feel alone. And if you're the one withholding unconditional love or if you're showing favoritism, or not giving eye contact or criticizing them in front of others, than make no mistake, you're doing permanent damage. You are definitely not being the best parent you can be.

If you let a sibling, a spouse, a co-worker, a friend or just an acquaintance, suffer in silence, than you're not being the best human you can be.

My posts are usually more positive but I know what heartache can do. It's crushing. But help is only a kindness away. It's at the tip of your tongue and the warmth of your heart.

Thoughts on Early Bullying Prevention from the Street -- Sesame That Is.

All roads lead to Sesame Street. Last week, a colleague/friend of mine forwarded a link to me about bullying. I had worked with Allen at Nickelodeon and again at Sesame Workshop. When I opened the link, it was the Sesame Family Newsletter and low and behold, it was an article written by another Sesame Street buddy, Elana Halberstadt. Little did I know that since working with Elana, she had gotten married and had a little boy, Max.

Elana and I had a fantastic catching up session on the phone. We always had a good working relationship but it was even more fun to get to know Elana as a mom.

Max, now 4, is already experiencing the joys of pre-school and also some of the challenges, as well. And so is Max's mother. Elana is already up close and personal with some of the gaps in the bullying prevention issue. What I was impressed with is that she seemed to have a handle on walking into the situation and addressing the right things for her son. First and foremost, it was to reassure her son that he's not stupid. Secondly, that he needs to learn as early as 4, to tell the child being mean to STOP. It was important for her to go to the school and discuss the issue with the teachers and they happily worked with her.

It didn't surprise me that she wrote about it for Sesame Street. I worked on many public affairs campaigns while I was a consultant there. One of my favorites was Sesame Street PEP (Preschool Educational Program), which focused on training day care providers on how to help teach very young children. This is their genius. As you may know, Sesame Street was co-founded by Joan Ganz Cooney to help reach and teach children, particularly the underserved, during the tremendously important ages from 2-5. Kids were at home and television (aha!) could be used as a tool. The humor and music on Sesame Street is skillfully scripted to not only delight the child, but to entertain the adult caretaker. Without realizing it, the parent is interacting with their little one which helps their developing minds grow. Brilliant!

And speaking of brilliant, hats off to their top-notch research department. When the numbers starting showing that kids were more likely to be in day care, PEP was developed. (Although it no longer exists in that form, it looks as if it has been replaced by high quality online resources.)

How does this all loop back to bullying prevention? Training, trust and toddlers. I think what Elana's Sesame Family Newsletter article says is that it's never too young to set healthy expectations about respect. It's important that from as early as the toddler years, if kids are in school, a parent-teacher relationship needs to start. It's not just about numbers and colors, it's about behavior at home and in school. Learning happens no matter where they are or who happens to be the teacher at the moment.

It doesn't matter how old I get, I hope I never forget the lessons from Sesame Street. And Cookie Monster, I miss you! Give me a call.